To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

Society does not want or need the children this wastrel would raise, not with any partner. So factor that into your plans. If you won't make good choices for yourself, at least think of the rest of us.

Also it is not your job to tell him what jobs to do. If he sees a job, he does. Out of toilet paper, buy it or put it on the list.
And get him to start cooking too.

What he has done is give you the mental load and he just does the few chores expected (if he does them). Basically the way it should work (esp when you have kids) is that no one gets to sit down till all jobs are done. And so he uses his adult brain and does what needs to be done: laundry, cleaning, wiping the kitchen counter, grocery shopping. And that if you are away for say 72 hours you will come back to a spotless house without his Mum stepping in.

Please don’t get into the full time job of training him. That was his parents’ home and they clearly didn’t do it well.

Get him binned.... immediately.

Oh god, he is just laughing in your face.
Cant believe you did his dishes after telling him you needed things to change. No wonder he isn’t taking you seriously. You’re both saying one thing and doing another.
See you in a few years time when you have children with this misogynist pig and you’re run ragged doing everything and looking to leave.

What happens if he avoids tonight?
He's to tired as he went to work a bit hungover and needs an early night. or another invitation out appears!

Friday it will be - god I'm off work what part of I'm on holiday and don't do anything when on holiday don't you get. - this effectively is a reason to avoid all bank holiday weekend!!
Just tell him it's not working

It will be tonight and no excuses will be heard believe me!!

But can’t you see that his actions last night tell you everything you need to know?

Seriously dump him before your life is seriously disrupted. I have a child with a man who wouldn’t do much I left when she was almost 2. Guess what she is almost 12 and she said he dad does nothing in the house and he is lazy and even she thinks it’s a disgrace her step mother has to do it all and she is losing respect for him and doesn’t want to visit much due to the tension in the house.

Well, he's fed you a load of old bollocks with no intention of doing anything about it, hasn't he?

He just has to do this for a couple more months, bit of 'oh, but I don't know how to do that, my Mum always did it and you're so much better at it than me' then Mummy will give him a few quid so that he can become entitled to half his new Mummy's house when his nose is put out of joint - once new Mummy has a new baby and he can go off after somebody who isn't old and boring and expecting him to do woman stuff like change the baby's nappy, shopping, put a washload on or not go out drinking. Probably throwing in a few 'but I'm a MAN' and 'you're so old and bitter and haggard' statements as he goes chasing after 22 year olds.

He sounds at least partly receptive to learning OP.
I had to learn to be tidier and more organised when I had kids and my husband has had to learn more so. I hope your partner soon learns how to coexist in 2025 instead of 1950. What a baby 😄😄 my husband would have been the same one time.
But recently, since I have been very busy with work, he has taken on the main load of housewor, without me really askin, which was a surprise and very lovely. So fingers crossed for you!

Yep that happened to me 10 years ago I was left holding the baby and he is still going out with his pals like a giant man baby at 42. It’s a mindset and does not change.

Ah that’s really good, I am always one for giving people a chance if they’ve shown me enough to deserve it but I will be judging actions over words now! I hope he doesn’t mess up and ruin what was something special before living together.

Just don’t live together?

@JadeySmiles You have passed 30 without your Bullshit-O-Meter activating. Please, for the sake of your financial and mental health future, move him out now.
If you want to, just date him. Or find an improvement and be wined, dined & adored.

2nd marriage 6yrs together, in our 50s, no kids at home.

So our split is this:

Husband
Friday, he cleans the bathroom
Changes the towels
Changes the bedding
He cooks every night (his choice)
So he does the shopping

Wife
I clear up after his cooking
Put plates in dish washer etc
Do the washing, hang it out or tumble dry
Fold it up on the bed in piles, we put our own away
Polish and hoover the house

We both make the bed when we get up

He sorts his families birthday/Christmas cards presents, and I sort mine.

If he didn't expect to split household chores I wouldn't be thinking of having a baby with this man. A baby would also be classified as 'womens work'. Working and having a family is hardwork and I certainly wouldn't contemplate it with someone with outdated ideas on roles..

That's it OP special before moving in. Now showing his true colours and intentions while living under your roof.

Yes humans can be trained. Personally I feel he has been trained by his mum that this is women's work. That's a lot of undoing of learnt behaviour to untangle.

You say you will judge actions what is your judgement on actions last night's @JadeySmiles

I hope it works out for you OP, but I'm sceptical.

I agree with a previous poster that he's fed you a load of bullshit. I think the truth is that, as he said to you initially, he believes this stuff is absolutely 'women's work'. He plans to make the right noises, make a show of 'helping' you for a bit, then backslide.

Unless he's thick as shit he's perfectly capable of cleaning a bathroom without needing a lesson on it (hands up who ever had a lesson on how to clean a bathroom?), he knows it's not normal for your Mum to do your housework, and he knows that the traditional 1950s housewife/breadwinner is just one 'norm' among many norms.

Maybe he needs to move back out for a couple of years to learn to be a functioning adult by himself without mummy's help.

I don't think I could get past his women's work comments. If you just felt embarrassed, that wouldn't be your go-to excuse just sitting there on the tip of your tongue, he meant it.

you haven't ruined the relationship, you have just been shown what he is truly like. He has no respect for women.

OP, I’d love to know how many on here are saying ‘bin him’ and yet don’t split the chores themselves. Not relevant really, but…

Anyway, I can tell you my now DH took a bit of training, we even split up (he was in no doubt I meant it when I said stuff), but he realised it was fair, or fuck off. He stepped up.

I've just read your OP again. He's vile, seriously. He actually 100% believes it's a woman's job to scrape his shit off the toilet. Don't be a mug OP. He has deeply held attitudes that aren't acceptable, these aren't a mistake, these aren't innocent misunderstandings/immaturity. This is who he has chosen to be.

Wonder what’s tonight excuse will be…?

Don’t let him future fake you, and listen carefully to how he responds. Will he be open to discussion and change, or full of excuses? It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, the past is the past, and this is the future.

This is actually a lesson to all us mothers (and fathers) of boys (and all children ), to make sure our kids know basic housework, and acceptable (and non-acceptable ) standards.

(For the record, one dc living independently away, and another young adult dc at home who regularly cooks etc , and knows to leave the toilet clean!).

‘Made a mess of the bathroom and didn’t use the brush.’ 🤢🤮🤢🤮

Didn't you say that last night though?

Yep