Page 38 | To regret moving DP in to my house

JadeySmiles · 2025-04-15T18:03:01+00:00

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫 Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc. He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up. I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things. His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing. He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking! He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man. Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

Ladymeade · 17/04/2025 08:25

Huge alarm bells ringing for me..... Lazy dinosaur of a man who will only get worse... I'd be kicking the fukker out ..

CautiousCrafty · 17/04/2025 08:26

I don’t think there is any weight to moving him in too soon. Whether you waited another year or more, his opinions on things like this won’t change.
you just have to decide if that’s how you want to spend the rest of your relationship if he clearly thinks so little of you & your time.
sending hugs x

hazylazydayz · 17/04/2025 08:28

He just can't be fundamentally brilliant if he can publicly mock you in front of his mates ('that's not our job') and privately expect you to clean up his literal shit. Slippery slope. I get that some men feel they've lost all respect and power in society but seriously this isn't how to get it back. Please explicitly tell him this is not normal and is not acceptable.

hazylazydayz · 17/04/2025 08:32

Spankmeonthebottomwithawomansweekly · 17/04/2025 08:10

OP, I’d love to know how many on here are saying ‘bin him’ and yet don’t split the chores themselves. Not relevant really, but…

Anyway, I can tell you my now DH took a bit of training, we even split up (he was in no doubt I meant it when I said stuff), but he realised it was fair, or fuck off. He stepped up.

Sure my OH needed a bit of help with how to do things properly but never would've laughed at me in front of his mates about having to clean the bathroom, nor look me in the eyes and say "I'm male". Those are actually the red flags.

OldScribbler · 17/04/2025 08:39

You are a raving masochist if you want to stay with him. Don't destroy your life, please.

toomuchfaff · 17/04/2025 08:41

bettermumthanyou · 16/04/2025 22:21

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood but if he’s contributing financially could you overlook doing more of the cleaning of the bathroom? It’s not always possible or practical for both parties to contribute exactly equally across every domestic activity. People contribute in different ways but it doesn’t automatically mean it’s not fair or balanced.

Did you read the update where he said his dad was the breadwinner, and his mum did all the household chores so because he bought a load of shopping once, he thought that was their lot now.. slipped into i"m doing fk all women's work ever, leaving you to clean my actual shit skids off the toilet and you best get used to living with a real man?

Gundogday · 17/04/2025 08:45

hazylazydayz · 17/04/2025 08:32

Sure my OH needed a bit of help with how to do things properly but never would've laughed at me in front of his mates about having to clean the bathroom, nor look me in the eyes and say "I'm male". Those are actually the red flags.

Show quote history

Yes, it’s this attitude and lack of respect, and the expectation that it’s ops job. The dp in this question is young enough to know what goes on in modern households, even if it’s not mirrored in the house he grew up with.

Spankmeonthebottomwithawomansweekly · 17/04/2025 08:47

hazylazydayz · 17/04/2025 08:32

Sure my OH needed a bit of help with how to do things properly but never would've laughed at me in front of his mates about having to clean the bathroom, nor look me in the eyes and say "I'm male". Those are actually the red flags.

Show quote history

Well yes, that’s true enough. I’d have ripped my DH a new one. Hmm yes, that’s a point worth remembering

toomuchfaff · 17/04/2025 08:48

Dolly34 · 17/04/2025 06:41

Have any of you considered he might be on the spectrum? And the laugh was because of that, he might’ve thought he was being funny!

I am genuinely aghast by the attitude of people on here - OP has provided limited context yet everyone is adding their two cents to kick him to the curb.

1950’s housewife says her husband is amazing, and everyone is questioning it because he doesn’t do the washing up?? There is more to life than housework, and more to a relationship than just domestic life.

The insults that women on here feel emboldened to throw around after someone provides an alternative perspective is vile - insinuating I must be a man or have very low standards - shame on you. I’m sure all these women who are giving relationship advice, are in fact themselves, single.

Why does everyone have to "be on the spectrum"?

Reading all the updates, he's lived in a house where mummy did all the chores, mummy came and cleaned his flat once a week. I'm a man - in response to "clean your shit stains off the toilet"

And your first thought is - he could be on the spectrum?

He is managing to maintain healthy friendships down at the pub with his mates?

LoyalMember · 17/04/2025 08:50

Yes, you jumped in far too quickly, and now an immature manchild lives in your home. Bad mistsake, but not insurmountable. Ask him to shape up or get to f#ck.

toomuchfaff · 17/04/2025 08:51

JadeySmiles · 17/04/2025 07:40

It will be tonight and no excuses will be heard believe me!!

oh but its bank holiday weekend babe, and the lads are already at the pub, early finish, suns shining, beer garden, i won't be long, promise, I'll do the pots when I get back...

sigh

JustMy2Pennith · 17/04/2025 08:53

No no a million times no. He’s being a total slob which is a choice not a fixed gender role in 2025. Am I alone in thinking this should be the time when he’s keen on making a good impression and once he gets more comfy it’ll get way worse?! Sorry OP this guy is not house trained!

Poppyseeds79 · 17/04/2025 08:53

I had an ex whose mummy did everything for him too. He would leave his beard trimmings in the sink for me, didn't wash the bath out, couldn't fold washing. Wouldn't wash up...

Pathetic! And very unsexy

eastegg · 17/04/2025 09:11

Dolly34 · 17/04/2025 06:41

Have any of you considered he might be on the spectrum? And the laugh was because of that, he might’ve thought he was being funny!

I am genuinely aghast by the attitude of people on here - OP has provided limited context yet everyone is adding their two cents to kick him to the curb.

1950’s housewife says her husband is amazing, and everyone is questioning it because he doesn’t do the washing up?? There is more to life than housework, and more to a relationship than just domestic life.

The insults that women on here feel emboldened to throw around after someone provides an alternative perspective is vile - insinuating I must be a man or have very low standards - shame on you. I’m sure all these women who are giving relationship advice, are in fact themselves, single.

Here’s a tip. The thread’s not really about housework. It’s about attitudes towards women.

Also, nobody has ‘insinuated’ anything about you. They’ve flat out said it.

Dolly34 · 17/04/2025 09:14

eastegg · 17/04/2025 09:11

Here’s a tip. The thread’s not really about housework. It’s about attitudes towards women.

Also, nobody has ‘insinuated’ anything about you. They’ve flat out said it.

Show quote history

🚮

Inertia · 17/04/2025 09:35

You say you’re going to thrash everything out with him, but in reality you are bargaining with yourself and your own future.

You want to have children. You’ve invested in this relationship. As it turns out, you’re with a man who is openly contemptuous of you, sees women as skivvies, and feels so entitled to your house and money that he doesn’t even pretend to show willing at precisely the time he should be trying to impress you.

It’s your decision. You’ll get the opportunity to have children, but it’ll come at the cost of your happiness and financial security.

BacktoBeginnersFran · 17/04/2025 09:36

eastegg · 17/04/2025 09:11

Here’s a tip. The thread’s not really about housework. It’s about attitudes towards women.

Also, nobody has ‘insinuated’ anything about you. They’ve flat out said it.

Show quote history

Well said @eastegg 👏

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 17/04/2025 09:41

Poppyseeds79 · 17/04/2025 08:53

I had an ex whose mummy did everything for him too. He would leave his beard trimmings in the sink for me, didn't wash the bath out, couldn't fold washing. Wouldn't wash up...

Pathetic! And very unsexy

Yes I’ve seen a mummy tie a grown man’s shoe laces while he was on his laptop.
Oh Wayne, he doesn’t like to do them himself.
Luckily, I was a family friend (my mum and his mum grew up together) but it was awful to see how subservient she was.
And oddly, she was the family breadwinner as well. Worked seven days a week, did most of the housework, cleaner once a week but it was a big house with three messy sons and a messier husband who ordered her about.

SoOxon · 17/04/2025 09:41

toomuchfaff · 17/04/2025 08:48

Why does everyone have to "be on the spectrum"?

Reading all the updates, he's lived in a house where mummy did all the chores, mummy came and cleaned his flat once a week. I'm a man - in response to "clean your shit stains off the toilet"

And your first thought is - he could be on the spectrum?

He is managing to maintain healthy friendships down at the pub with his mates?

Show quote history

there should be an ‘on the spectrum’ defining description, like ‘Godwins Law’
when an argument lapses then descends into something-else-entirely - or in
this specific instance, devil’s advocacy

whathaveiforgotten · 17/04/2025 09:43

@Dolly34

If you believe it’s acceptable for a man to laugh in a woman’s face and say ‘what do you expect’ when she says she isn’t happy he’s left his literal shit for her to clean up then you do have low standards.

LemonLeaves · 17/04/2025 09:44

A word of advice for your conversation tonight - when you sit down together, don't jump straight in with a list whilst he nods along. Hold back and see what he offers up first.

If he sits there and expects you to tell him what he needs to do, then it's a red flag. He's got eyes in his head and it's not rocket science for him to be able to have a basic idea in his head of some chores that will need to be done. Or to have googled it in readiness for your chat.

He's an adult, you aren't his mum or his boss so it's not your job to manage him. He's supposed to be a partner, and that means taking on his share of the mental load and using his brain. How he responds to your conversation will be very telling.

SoOxon · 17/04/2025 09:45

Dolly34 · 17/04/2025 06:41

Have any of you considered he might be on the spectrum? And the laugh was because of that, he might’ve thought he was being funny!

I am genuinely aghast by the attitude of people on here - OP has provided limited context yet everyone is adding their two cents to kick him to the curb.

1950’s housewife says her husband is amazing, and everyone is questioning it because he doesn’t do the washing up?? There is more to life than housework, and more to a relationship than just domestic life.

The insults that women on here feel emboldened to throw around after someone provides an alternative perspective is vile - insinuating I must be a man or have very low standards - shame on you. I’m sure all these women who are giving relationship advice, are in fact themselves, single.

Dolly34, you are the only disagreeable poster here in many hundreds

MellersSmellers · 17/04/2025 09:54

You say you have a brilliant relationship so you need to tackle him about this and soon, making sure he knows you are serious. If he can't comply he should move put. He sounds a misogynist OP.

Dolly34 · 17/04/2025 09:54

SoOxon · 17/04/2025 09:45

Dolly34, you are the only disagreeable poster here in many hundreds

Show quote history

I’m offering an alternative perspective.

And FWIW, I actually do think it’s fucking rank he doesn’t feel the need to clear up his shit stains from the toilet - whether he lives with her or not.

But OP has come to MN to get advice she knew she would get. How about be an adult and stand by your own convictions rather than getting ammunition from the MN mob.

SoOxon · 17/04/2025 09:58

Inertia · 17/04/2025 09:35

You say you’re going to thrash everything out with him, but in reality you are bargaining with yourself and your own future.

You want to have children. You’ve invested in this relationship. As it turns out, you’re with a man who is openly contemptuous of you, sees women as skivvies, and feels so entitled to your house and money that he doesn’t even pretend to show willing at precisely the time he should be trying to impress you.

It’s your decision. You’ll get the opportunity to have children, but it’ll come at the cost of your happiness and financial security.

Inertia - great moniker lol, great post -
this thread is now limping along,
no one is really agog, waiting for a denouement -
which you have encapsulated in your comments
we have advised and advised,
950 comments, still the OP is waiting to speak to her live in guest

the early part of this thread threw up the usual wit and wisdom from
experience and exasperation,
but there is a limit to our collective patience : no one appreciates time
and effort squandered when we can be out in Spring sunshine