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AIBU?

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Original poster

To regret moving DP in to my house

1000 replies

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:03

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Silsatrip · 17/04/2025 00:04

Yep, that would be my fear - he will put on a show for a while, make a half hearted attempt to clean a toilet now and then....until OP is pregnant and it's too much upheaval to break up with him.

When they show you who they are...believe them

Catlady63 · 17/04/2025 00:25

Dolly34 · 16/04/2025 23:02

it could be a skid mark, it could be being farted in front off, it could be not picking their shoes up, it could be not taking the bins out. What I am saying is that it could be ANYTHING and the women on here would say to dump him, and he’s a pig.

OP if this is a GENUINE dealbreaker for YOU then fine, break it off. But if you can work through it then please don’t listen to the crazies on here. Sounds like most of the women on here have absolutely PERFECT boyfriends / husbands who clearly don’t have any faults whatsoever 🙄

Show quote history

Your standards are so low, I hope whatever man you're cleaning up after at least pays the bills - OPs boyfriend wants the traditional wife who cleans his shit off the toilet while she also pays the mortgage.
But hey, she's got a man!

uncomfortablydumb60 · 17/04/2025 00:26

He’s talking shit, as well as leaving it in your toilet
Words are cheap. It’s actions that count

Catlady63 · 17/04/2025 00:28

dentalflosser · 16/04/2025 23:09

1950s household here. DH sulks if asked to do housework and does the minimum very badly so I end up doing it myself.
At one point I was working 7 days a week and asked him to at least do the washing up.
Came home to find crockery still piled up in the kitchen and house was a tip. I just cried as it makes me feel that I’m just the cleaner.
I do half of the cooking, all the cleaning and laundry, organise our child’s activities and school stuff.
DH is a fantastic husband otherwise but I wish he would see how I feel insignificant at times. We both work full time.

What are the other bits of being a husband and father that he's great at? Pissing standing up?

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/04/2025 00:34

Catlady63 · 17/04/2025 00:28

What are the other bits of being a husband and father that he's great at? Pissing standing up?

Show quote history

Yeah, all over the bastard floor probably

Mmhmmn · 17/04/2025 00:36

Get him out. You’ll regret letting him stay. He wants a maid. Not a partner. Fucking men.

Middleagedstriker · 17/04/2025 00:56

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:18

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant which makes it the more frustrating. But you are all right , it isn’t normal and seeing it said here in black and white makes it obvious.

I bet he isn't brilliant. Sadly I think you just probably have really low bar.

Rewis · 17/04/2025 01:02

bettermumthanyou · 16/04/2025 22:21

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood but if he’s contributing financially could you overlook doing more of the cleaning of the bathroom? It’s not always possible or practical for both parties to contribute exactly equally across every domestic activity. People contribute in different ways but it doesn’t automatically mean it’s not fair or balanced.

Problem is that he thinks that he is the big man breadwinner because he occationally pays for shopping. Therefore the woman needs to do all domestic chores. Not even just generic hoovering. But literally scrape his shit cause that is how much he respects her. Eventhough she owns the house, works full time and pays equal share of the bills.

Fraaances · 17/04/2025 01:58

So he’s admitted that he’s never cleaned anything because his mummy “loves” to do it for him? Fuck that!
You can expect nothing but weaponised incompetence from this man. “Oh, I didn’t do it properly? You are just too fussy!”, etc… You will also have to buy him a fucking medal every time he attempts a half-arsed job.

PeloMom · 17/04/2025 02:06

I’ve only read the OP’s comments. If he doesn’t want to do chores he can pay for weekly/ twice a week cleaner. Or watch YouTube videos how to clean🙄

AprilshowersOnandOnforHoursandHours · 17/04/2025 02:45

@Moveoverdarlin wroteMy FIL recently lost his wife of 60 years. Their dog shit on the carpet today. He rang me to go and clean it up (they live 125 miles away), he was an intelligent, well respected, professional man.

If you want to be charitable, I’d put that down to his recent bereavement, especially if his late wife died unexpectedly. My dad (born in the 1920s) lost his bearings a bit when my mum died suddenly. He asked for help at home (can’t remember who from, some official organisation) and when asked what sort of help he needed it turned out to be just someone to iron his shirts as he didn’t know how to do that.

He also thought he should be able to pop round to our house every week for Sunday lunch (we lived 300 miles away, so we should move closer) but a few months later he’d worked out how to look after himself. I think many men do. Perhaps your FIL will be the same, I hope so.

DPotter · 17/04/2025 03:14

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 16/04/2025 22:35

Don’t give him an earful, just calmly tell him the trial period is over and you’re better off living separately after all, no hard feelings. Don’t give him the satisfaction of your pent up rage.

THIS !

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/04/2025 04:32

Either its been a VERY long conversation when he got back after a swift post match pint...

Or a very short one when he got back after midnight pissed as a fart having strung out avoiding the OP as long as possible.

Codlingmoths · 17/04/2025 04:33

bettermumthanyou · 16/04/2025 22:21

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood but if he’s contributing financially could you overlook doing more of the cleaning of the bathroom? It’s not always possible or practical for both parties to contribute exactly equally across every domestic activity. People contribute in different ways but it doesn’t automatically mean it’s not fair or balanced.

Absolutely fucking not.

LillyPJ · 17/04/2025 04:40

@OrangeAndPistachio Also - he'll probably prefer the ones that involve tools or gadgets - and the more noisy/complicated/hefty the better. Fluffy duster = 'women's work', expensive vacuum cleaner, too heavy to lift and with many attachments = also 'women's work' but he'll deign to 'help you out' if you can't manage it.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 17/04/2025 05:20

If DH had ever said "I am male" in response to a reasonable request when we moved in together I'd have split up with him instantly.

Muffinmam · 17/04/2025 06:12

JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 19:00

Well, the conversation won’t be tonight as he has had a last minute invite to the pub to watch the Arsenal match. Which came through just as he had polished off dinner 🙄

At what point will you realise you’re being used??

BountifulPantry · 17/04/2025 06:15

JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 22:17

Well I’ve at least heard from him now, says he’s having a drink to toast the win and he will be home. I was gearing up for him crashing in at midnight to get an earful from me!

Why are you doing this to yourself?

The man’s a dud. You deserve better. Get yourself out there and find someone who is respectful.

Anycrispsleft · 17/04/2025 06:35

This is the time in your relationship when you hold all the cards - you're independent, it's your house, and he wants to go on the mortgage. And at this point he won't even take the issue seriously enough to turn down the pub invite - you were supposed to be discussing this stuff in fact and he took a better offer! This is the absolute best it is ever going to be, and he hasn't lifted a finger yet. If you let him on the mortgage, if you have kids (I notice you don't mention marriage, I guess that is not on the table as he doesn't perceive it to be a benefit to him) you might get some more nice words about housework but soon after you won't even get that, and you'll sure as hell not get any "help"/splitting of chores.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 17/04/2025 06:36

At this point I would like to know if OP has lived with a man before? What were her experiences like?
I don’t have kids but have two friends with sons this age. So I can imagine I am a similar age to the mum/cleaner here. The young men I know have been brought up to get stuck in with household chores and be independent.
I think the age gap between OP and this man is very telling here. And he’s basically creating the rules… but has no experience.

Dolly34 · 17/04/2025 06:41

Have any of you considered he might be on the spectrum? And the laugh was because of that, he might’ve thought he was being funny!

I am genuinely aghast by the attitude of people on here - OP has provided limited context yet everyone is adding their two cents to kick him to the curb.

1950’s housewife says her husband is amazing, and everyone is questioning it because he doesn’t do the washing up?? There is more to life than housework, and more to a relationship than just domestic life.

The insults that women on here feel emboldened to throw around after someone provides an alternative perspective is vile - insinuating I must be a man or have very low standards - shame on you. I’m sure all these women who are giving relationship advice, are in fact themselves, single.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 17/04/2025 06:45

I am in a great relationship, thanks.
But I was on my own for 15 years (not even a date) after relationships with two, separate addicts. The second one left me absolutely broken.
My current partner is autistic. He comes out with some shockers and I have learned to accept that.
Still cleans up after himself, though. And he was brought up in an era when men did zilch at home.

ShockedandStunnedRepeatedly · 17/04/2025 06:57

Catlady63 · 17/04/2025 00:28

What are the other bits of being a husband and father that he's great at? Pissing standing up?

Show quote history

And in the fifties at least wives generally weren’t working outside of the home TOO!

Original poster
JadeySmiles · 17/04/2025 07:11

GoodCharl · 16/04/2025 23:49

So is he home op? How did the conversation go?

Because it was late and we were both knackered it wasn’t discussed beyond an agreement to sit down and go through tonight so I’ll see how that goes.

OP posts:
itsmeits · 17/04/2025 07:13

@JadeySmiles
I get it now it, your age biological clock is ticking. Stop wasting time on this one please.

What time did his lordship grace you with his presence?

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