To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

Further to what I posted further up thread.
He shouldn't need poked with a stick to do things,you see it ,you own it, you do it!!
Methinks this one is not capable of change due to deeply held view's on what a woman's role is.

I hope so

But he easily sacked you off for the football last night, then he had to stay out for "one last drink" ........ probably whinging to his mates about you wanting him to do "girl's stuff" like cleaning

He seems to want the teenage life where he is free to do what he wants and has appointed you his new mummy to do the boring stuff like cleaning

Two years' time 'I'm too young to be a Dad, we've got plenty of time for that'

Three years' time 'I'm not going to ask you to marry me, we don't need a piece of paper'

Four years' time 'I was going to ask you to marry me, but you ruined it by making a fuss'

Five years' time 'It's just not the right time to have a baby; we're not married and I need to be certain my job is secure'

Five and a half years' time 'I'm too young to be a father yet, this time next year, we've got plenty of time'

Choice A: Seven and a half years' time 'You're her Mum, she wants you' 'Nah, mate, never changed a nappy, that's Her Indoors' job'/'I'm not babysitting so you can go off on work jollies and drinking wine'. Eight years' time 'You're just like an old woman, nagging away, this is why I don't want to come back straight after work, everybody at work says it's your job to keep the house and do something with yourself' 'I'm doing some work on a friend's car this weekend' '<24 year old woman> at work was spraying some perfume around and I must have walked through it'

Choice B: Seven and half years' time 'I've always told you I don't want children' / 'Just a friend - I'm allowed friends, aren't I? She'd had a row with her boyfriend and I was helping her out, that's what friends do. Oh, you're so controlling, you don't want me to have friends now?'

Choice B: Eight years' time 'You're just an old, bitter woman. No, I'm staying at a friend's on the sofa, this is why, you're so controlling and jealous, you're going crazy, isn't there something you can take at your age?'

Choice B: Nine years' time 'I want what's mine, give me half the value of the house now, I've got a wife and a baby on the way to think of'

Neverdropyourmooncup.
You can see that scenario playing out quite easily.
MN is littered with threads as you described

Are you joking? My partner is “on the spectrum” but perfectly able to clean up after himself, and respond appropriately when discussing household chores.

I wonder how much he is saving each month whilst living in a house which you pay the mortgage for?!

He’s kind and thoughtful, generous and will fix my ancient car when it goes wrong. He’s reliable, he does do half of the cooking.
He honestly is a great husband and we rarely argue but if for instance he would just at least clean the bathroom at the weekend it would be a massive help. I’m not expecting the house to be a show home at all but tidying away our kids toys or cleaning up after himself rather than leaving it for me would make a difference.

It’s going towards his savings pot for if/when he comes on the Mortgage so I don’t have any issues there and it’s how a friend did it with her boyfriend which worked well x

So he thinks cleaning (his shit) is women's work and laughs about it, eats the dinner you have cooked then heads off to the pub (knowing you wanted to talk to him) without doing the washing up (full well knowing you would do it while he was out so him promising to do it later was meaningless), doesn't come home when he was meant to, nor does he reply to your text when you say you still need to have the conversation (can you imagine what he was saying to his mates?) then you seem to be actually grateful he doesn't roll in drunk at all hours 🙄

He really ticks all the boxes doesn't he?

Are you saying that people on the spectrum can't clean toilets? My ASD/ADHD family members would be very insulted that you think them so incapable.

What we have here is a manchild and potential cocklodger who has been brought up to believe that housework=women's work and is prepared to neg op about it. Even when he lived "on his own" - his mummy dashed round to clean every Friday so that the little prince didn't have to. Now he expects OP to take over where mummy left off.

Oh OP it sounds like you’re going to sleepwalk into such a shit relationship long term.

Are you not furious he had the nerve to eat the dinner you made him then fuck off out drinking when you were meant to have a proper talk? And insult to injury he didn’t even clean up before he went out…

You must know you’re worth more than settling for this dynamic? Do your parents relationships mirror this dynamic?

The OP doesn’t owe you / us a response. I find comments like these very irritating. When people are so eager for the OP to return to the thread with a dramatic update showing they’ve immediately taken all advice on board, and acted to upheave their life within hours of first posting. Human behaviour rarely works like that. You want to see the full story arc but this isn’t fiction written for your entertainment, this is a real person simply discussing a problem in their life.

If a friend of yours told you about how crap their bf was would you start to get angry with them if they hadn’t immediately acted to dump them upon hearing your incredible wisdom?

tbh I would be expecting him to pay some sort of rent, or cover all the utilities, because it is only fair. You're not married, so he can leave with the pot he saved at anytime. He is getting a very good deal though.

If he sees himself as the breadwinner, why is he ok with a 50/50 split in finances?

”I don’t know how to clean a bathroom and was embarrassed to ask how” is probably the most pathetic thing I’ve heard from an adult. How does he function in the real world? It’s not rocket science but if he really needs to be taught, I’m sure there are dozens of videos on you tube. If his mum is desperate to clean up after him, invite her round to yours once a week.

I’d bin such a useless partner tbh. I wouldn’t care if he’d only been there a couple of months. He rented before he can rent again.

His savings pot? That's HIS. Meanwhile he's not paying rent and gets to keep HIS savings if he leaves. He does seem to make a habit of saying he'll do something, then not doing it. I wouldn't bank on him putting his savings towards the mortgage in the future.

Indeed. My ASD 15 year old is excellent at doing housework. Surely an ASD adult could work it out.

Run woman runnnnn.
What an asshole.
My husband doesn't do much but he has the decency to pay a lady to do the cleaning. Negotiate absolutely everything. You can't help? Then pay for it. This applies to cleaning. Cooking. Handyjobs at home. Be smart.
My husband pays me for dropping my job & taking care of our kid . I didn't go to university then do an MBA and invest to be begging for money. He pays me my last salary.
We are equals . Women died ages ago for our rights. Be Wise! & Leave that man. Ew.

Yes, it worked really well for her boyfriend.
Yours is a pig.
It’s highly highly unlikely that he will marry you. You are the holding pen. Where he lives and uses you like a maid until he meets the girl that he’s actually going to Marry and he’ll meet her and marry her within about a year. And he will scrub his shit and hers off with his toothbrush if she asks him to.
Because he will respect her.

Yes. My ASD partner is meticulous about cleaning the toilet. He can be quite messy but if there's something that bothers me, I just tell him and he stops doing it. I do the same for him. It's called cooperation and consideration.

Add to all of the appalling behaviour (he won’t change), is that he took the piss out of you in front of friends. He has no idea and never will - his jokes were not jokes, they were what he believes he and his male peers should expect. Words fail me - complete sh*t at all levels. Get rid of him ASAP.

Op you'll need to start another thread

Op I know you've said he is contributing to bills but is he actually paying you any "rent"? I mean if he isn't, how on earth he thought a sporadic grocery shop by him equalled him being a "breadwinner" is baffling. Regardless as you say he should be pulling his weight re chores.

In terms of chances, you raised serious issues yesterday that could make or break your relationship. You gave him a chance to address those issues by sitting down last night.

Rather than engaging with you and discussing last night as agreed, he unilaterally moved the goal posts to discuss on his timeline because going to the pub to watch football was more important than discussing and resolving this.

Whatever the outcome today think long and hard about whether you want to have kids with this man. He isn't going to change his mindset re roles in the home at this point even if he starts to make the right noises. You could end up doing everything for the house and kids and end up very resentful. I know I would if that happened.

Christ you’re being taken for an absolute mug and you’re more than happy to go along with what he wants.

You’ll be back in a few years with a couple of kids moaning that he doesn’t do anything.

Why do women have such low standards for themselves?

This is what I’ve been thinking. It’s like watching the start of a train wreck in slow motion.

Sorry, OP, but you really need to bin this one.

Much great advice and wisdom on this thread already, but just wanted to bring up a point that I don't think has been made:

"He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up."

A tenancy isn't "up". If he was in a fixed AST, if not renewing on another fixed term, it automatically rolls into a monthly periodic. The only people who can end a tenancy are the tenant themselves, or a court. If the LL gave notice, he'd have had to order an eviction, possibly because he was selling the property.

I am very sceptical here that your boyfriend manipulated you into you then offering him to move in. You're a good person, he knew you'd suggest this as soon as he mentioned his tenancy being "up" soon. He just wanted to save himself hundreds of pounds a month on rent and no doubt have a fanny there full time to fuck.

As others have warned, many of us, me included have encountered at least one of these types of men in our lifetimes, believe us when we're telling you to find someone better. If at only 18 months in you are in the position of posting "to regret moving DP into my house", then you can see that all is not right in this relationship. His male chauvinism is sadly deeply engrained in him. The excuses he's given you are complete bullshit. There is enough that you've posted here that shows this man is not worthy of you giving him another chance to rectify this degrading, sexist, insulting, and disgusting behaviour.

Please do not have a baby with this immature male chauvinist, trust us, you'll deeply regret it.

@JadeySmiles I know you want to see the best in him, I know the future you envisage with him, but trust us, he's red flags all over, and he doesn't envisage the future quite in the same way as you do. The way he has treated you so far has been degrading and a total turnoff, I really hope you develop the ICK ASAP.