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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 year old son asked for lunch by family member

359 replies

EWAB · 15/04/2025 15:49

i didn’t know how I should title the thread.

My son is 18 so an adult. A man. He lives at home and will go to university in September.

If a kind of family member, a woman, I imagine in her late 60s/70s told him she was going to be in London over Easter and would he meet her for lunch, would you be tempted to tag along?

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 22/04/2025 09:07

Did the lunch happen yet?

Original poster
EWAB · 22/04/2025 10:28

Lunch happened, she was the woman I remembered and brother-in-law was right in that she is fairly well to do herself.

Partner and son arrived and partner’s heart sank when she was sitting there with her nephew thinking they had intended to put screws on son but I think nephew was there to suss them out.

Anyway nephew and partner left.

She appeared to be a lovely woman but clearly wanted to know what he was thinking of doing with the money but also spoke about other things like sport. Then after they had eaten and she picked up the bill, the real reason came out, he wasn’t to share or even lend any money to “Mammy’s other son.”

My beautiful eldest son hasn’t even been told about his brother receiving yet another windfall and he would never exploit anyone. He coaches and taught an instrument for extra money even when he was studying abroad.

So there we have it.

OP posts:
custardcreme77 · 22/04/2025 10:35

What a horrid woman she is, trying to dictate how he spends his inheritance.

StupidBoy · 22/04/2025 10:35

My beautiful eldest son hasn’t even been told about his brother receiving yet another windfall and he would never exploit anyone. He coaches and taught an instrument for extra money even when he was studying abroad.
So there we have it.

Gosh, well there is obviously a huge backstory there. Are you going to tell us what it is? Is your eldest son no blood relative to the deceased man? Is this great half uncle on your husband's side or yours? What do they have against your eldest and why has he been ignored twice in favour of giving money to your youngest?

BlackStrayCat · 22/04/2025 10:37

So we were all right. She was trying to interfere and control DS in some way.
Nasty.

Original poster
EWAB · 22/04/2025 10:39

Youngest is a blood relation whereas eldest is from another relationship.

OP posts:
Reddog1 · 22/04/2025 10:45

We were wrong to jump to conclusions about her motives being self-serving (as a few PPs pointed out, in fairness) but she has overstepped, which is distasteful. It’s up to your son what he does with his money. If he chooses to help out his half-brother with a cash gift that is up to him.

Mosaic123 · 22/04/2025 10:47

This might make him think in exactly the way she didn't want.

A foolish person.

thepariscrimefiles · 22/04/2025 10:49

EWAB · 22/04/2025 10:39

Youngest is a blood relation whereas eldest is from another relationship.

I think you have posted before about how your DH's family treat your eldest son. Whilst they aren't particularly unkind to your son, they don't consider him to be family in any way, because he is not related to them by blood. The difference between your two sons is very stark because this is the second large inheritance your youngest son has received.

StupidBoy · 22/04/2025 11:23

Okay, well he's only a great-half-uncle to the boy he is blood related to, so he clearly doesn't have any closer relatives to leave the money to, or he's done that already and still wants to recognise your son because he can afford to. Given that the connections are distant and tenuous anyway even to the son he's left the money to, I don't think it's particularly unusual or unreasonable to not want to see the money go to another young man who really is nothing to him at all. I wonder why this woman even felt the need to remind your son of this? Have you broached this issue with them before, when they gave your son money previously? I understand why this is tricky to navigate, seeing one of your children being given a huge amount of money for no reason in particular by someone he barely knows, while your other son is given nothing, but that's just life I'm afraid.

I'm now wondering if you might have been putting pressure on your younger son to share his inheritance with his half brother the make it more 'fair' and the deceased and his partner had got wind of it?

If it's not written in the will as a condition then there is very little they can do about it anyway. How would they even know what your son might choose to do in future?

But to be clear, it would be just as wrong for you to put pressure on your son to share his inheritance or constantly expect him to 'help your brother out' with money, as much as the temptation and the motives would be understandable for any mother in this situation.

JustSawJohnny · 22/04/2025 11:30

EWAB · 22/04/2025 10:28

Lunch happened, she was the woman I remembered and brother-in-law was right in that she is fairly well to do herself.

Partner and son arrived and partner’s heart sank when she was sitting there with her nephew thinking they had intended to put screws on son but I think nephew was there to suss them out.

Anyway nephew and partner left.

She appeared to be a lovely woman but clearly wanted to know what he was thinking of doing with the money but also spoke about other things like sport. Then after they had eaten and she picked up the bill, the real reason came out, he wasn’t to share or even lend any money to “Mammy’s other son.”

My beautiful eldest son hasn’t even been told about his brother receiving yet another windfall and he would never exploit anyone. He coaches and taught an instrument for extra money even when he was studying abroad.

So there we have it.

How petty and pathetic.

I'm glad DS doesn't have these people in his life, they sound horrid.

Anyway, it's his money now. They have zero say in what he does with it.

Obviously he is under no obligation to share it with anyone, brother included. It is merely circumstance that means he has come into money and your older son has not.

You need to put your focus onto making sure this doesn't become a point of soreness between them, IMO.

Whattodo1610 · 22/04/2025 12:21

I hope your ds shares his inheritance with his older brother, then tells the horrid woman all about it. It’s entirely up to your son what he does with his money. Clearly the aunt doesn’t like you or your older son. Stupid woman that she is.

2JFDIYOLO · 22/04/2025 12:36

How weird. When he receives the inheritance whatever he does with it is none of her business and has zero effect on whatever she gets.

I wonder if there is some kind of backstory between the deceased and your elder son - or if she is just controlling?

Either way, I'd say best to quietly decline any further invites and absolutely not give any info on what he chooses to do!

TomatoSandwiches · 22/04/2025 12:44

It's just unnecessary and cruel for her to say this because if it were a stipulation great uncle would have made it clear in his will.

What a nasty piece of work she is.

MeridianB · 22/04/2025 12:48

Not really surprised by this because she obviously had an agenda.

As PP said, she is a nasty piece of work. This was SO unnecessary.

I hope your younger son treats her with the contempt she deserves.

StupidBoy · 22/04/2025 12:49

Whattodo1610 · 22/04/2025 12:21

I hope your ds shares his inheritance with his older brother, then tells the horrid woman all about it. It’s entirely up to your son what he does with his money. Clearly the aunt doesn’t like you or your older son. Stupid woman that she is.

Not necessarily. It might be one of those cultural situations where it's seen as imperative that money stays within the family and family means blood only. It may not be personal, even if it seems like it to us.

Original poster
EWAB · 22/04/2025 12:59

My youngest will not be sharing his inheritance with his brother.

My eldest knows nothing about it whatsoever.

@ StupidBoy

I never expected my in-laws to include my eldest in their wills, and have never brought pressure on my youngest son whatsoever and don’t intend to.

Re; the previous will, the proceeds of which he still can’t access, my eldest son was present when my partner’s niece was talking about her new house which she bought from her share of their grandmother’s will. He did ask then whether youngest had a share as well and I was honest. He hasn’t mentioned it since the day after this conversation.

He knows nothing about the latest saga .

OP posts:
redboxer321 · 22/04/2025 13:07

I hope the eldest son wins the national lottery because he doesn't seem to have won the lottery in life.

StupidBoy · 22/04/2025 13:22

EWAB · 22/04/2025 12:59

My youngest will not be sharing his inheritance with his brother.

My eldest knows nothing about it whatsoever.

@ StupidBoy

I never expected my in-laws to include my eldest in their wills, and have never brought pressure on my youngest son whatsoever and don’t intend to.

Re; the previous will, the proceeds of which he still can’t access, my eldest son was present when my partner’s niece was talking about her new house which she bought from her share of their grandmother’s will. He did ask then whether youngest had a share as well and I was honest. He hasn’t mentioned it since the day after this conversation.

He knows nothing about the latest saga .

Okay. It must be very hard. I don't envy you having to deal with this. It sucks all the joy out of your younger son's very privileged situation for you.

StupidBoy · 22/04/2025 13:29

redboxer321 · 22/04/2025 13:07

I hope the eldest son wins the national lottery because he doesn't seem to have won the lottery in life.

To be fair, it's not as if he's monumentally unlucky either. It's just that his brother has been very fortunate, and comparison is the thief of joy, as they say. It's the huge financial imbalance of the two brothers, neither of whom have done anything right or wrong to bring their situation on themselves. It's going to be very hard for the older one to not be painfully aware of this imbalance as the younger boy goes through adulthood and is able to afford things that he himself cannot have. But he never would have had that privilege anyway, whether his younger brother had it or not. It's not as if it's been snatched from him and given to someone else.

All the same, it must just be particularly hard to accept that someone so close to you has been handed an easy life on a plate while you have to do things the hard way like everyone else.

ScribblingPixie · 22/04/2025 13:30

Oh. I imagine the woman's partner wanted her to do this, or expressed how important it was to him. What a shame she agreed/decided to do something so unpleasant. Sorry this is on your shoulders, OP.

Goodtogossip · 22/04/2025 13:44

It all depends on how your Son feels about going on his own. Is he close to this family member? Would he feel comfortable going on his own? Why would you go if you're not invited unless your Son asked you to go with him.

Beeinalily · 22/04/2025 14:27

If I was the younger son I'd now be determined to share it with the elder - but then I'm a contrary mare!

socialdilemmawhattodo · 22/04/2025 20:13

MeridianB · 22/04/2025 12:48

Not really surprised by this because she obviously had an agenda.

As PP said, she is a nasty piece of work. This was SO unnecessary.

I hope your younger son treats her with the contempt she deserves.

The agenda was far less than most people on this thread worried about. Leaving to blood-or-not distant relatives may well have been an ongoing conversation between this woman and her partner for some time. She perhaps just wanted to respect that wish.
Do you have elderly relatives? If not, you may not know that very often they become fixated. On and on, on the same topic. No amount of logic or reason moves them on, sadly. She may have suffered that conversation for a very long time.

Noodlehen · 23/04/2025 05:30

Goodtogossip · 22/04/2025 13:44

It all depends on how your Son feels about going on his own. Is he close to this family member? Would he feel comfortable going on his own? Why would you go if you're not invited unless your Son asked you to go with him.

Why would you not RTFT? Or atleast OP’s updates?