18 year old son asked for lunch by family member

[EWAB]

i didn’t know how I should title the thread.

My son is 18 so an adult. A man. He lives at home and will go to university in September.

If a kind of family member, a woman, I imagine in her late 60s/70s told him she was going to be in London over Easter and would he meet her for lunch, would you be tempted to tag along?

It could be totally fine and she's a kind but lonely lady wanting a connection with her deceased partner's family?

Could you ask her round to yours and make them both lunch instead, and you of course?

Unlikely that this woman wants to get to know a teenaged distant relative of her late partner.

She might want to tap him for money or drag him into a contentious probate situation. Hopefully he’ll have the sense to keep out of it. He’s a very young adult still in sixth form, so may need some guidance from you/his dad if this happens.

I'm confused. He's your son so what's "kind of a family member" and what do you mean "I imagine her to be 60s/70s"? If this woman is family how don't you know?

This woman who none of you have ever met and is asking your 18 year old son out for lunch is weird.
She’s definitely going to be after money so why is your son going.
Op advise son to not go and tell her he’s going travelling for a while.
I really don’t like the sound of it at all.
Or, if for some reason Ds really want to meet her, then you and Dh should also go with the excuse of wanting to meet her as well and take HER out for lunch.
.

"I am on the point of now advising him not to go"

Stop meddling you absolute loon - find a hobby!

Why does he need to meet her at all? She’s going to ask him for something. I wouldn’t be going if I was him.

I would place bets that she's going to give him a sob story and want something from the estate. He should not go alone.

I used to meet my nephew for lunch when he was in London......sometimes at his request swhen he was short of money as he knew I would pay🤣 We have a lovely, close relationship but it's weird that this request has come out of the blue by a virtual stranger. Weird!

Why not get him to message her and ask if there is anything in particular she wishes to discuss as he's planning to bring you along. That may either cause her to cancel or at least explain. If you're there nothing will happen. Also a coffee rather than a meal would allow you to exit much quicker if he feels uncomfortable. Or she might be just getting to know him and wanting to talk about the uncle.

But he's never met her, and she's only met the mum once, that is a little odd.

She's surely after something. Tell him to not agree to anything. "Sorry I don't understand the implications here, I'll get back to you"

you should advise him wisely: « this week end, I couldn’t but why don’t you come over where I live? »

If she wants trouble, she won’t want to come under your protection… if she is ok, she will accept.

I just think I grapple with him being an adult but still a child. Does that make sense?

Yes, but be advised, my mum still grapples, and I am in my 50s. There comes a time to let it go.

Then if this woman, who was his partner, is neither an executor nor a beneficiary, my concern would be that she's miffed at being left out of the will and wants to give your son a sob story about how she's going to be slung out on the street, penniless and with nowhere to live. I think she might want to strike some kind of a deal with him. I think your DH should probably stay with him just in case things get awkward. Eighteen really isn't all that old to be dealing with something like this.

I wouldn’t go but I would speak to my DS and see how he felt about it and maybe set up a code for if he at any point felt uncomfortable and then if they are local you could possibly pop in as you were passing if necessary.

I agree, but 18 isn't it. They aren't children but they aren't fully formed adults either.

So based on your initial post I said you were being unreasonable, but given the information since, YANBU. I recently went to a conference in the same town as my husband’s niece is attending uni and I was delighted to be able to take her out for a meal because that’s what aunties should be doing for student nieces. But that’s not what’s happening here at all. I appreciate you didn’t think through the drip feed, but the results of your poll will be from your first post so won’t reflect what people actually think of your situation. I think all you can do is make sure he’s on his guard, and tell him that it’s perfectly acceptable to walk out if he feels uncomfortable.

this seems very sensible advice. I have a DC of a similar age, and yes they can be naive at that age.

They're old enough to get married, vote, fight for their country. I was living on my own by 18. It is all relative I suppose.

I think if her intentions were good she would speak to him in the presence of parents.

No.

Totally reasonable. He's barely an adult.

And partner could mean any number of things.

Do you know if his will made provision for this lady? Is it possible it didn’t and she’s angling for the house or some money to buy herself a new one?

Is this family member Joan Collins?

What is the issue with your son saying to this woman something like "given we've never met, I'm curious as to what is the reason you want to meet for lunch without Half Great Uncle Bulgaria present?"

Or basically asking why?

In this context, it's peculiar she wants to meet him alone. He is only 18 and I'd probably be discouraging the meeting alone in the first place given what you've said.

It would be less strange if she'd said Great Uncle Bulgaria and I will be wombling around Wimbledon so if you are in the area, let's have lunch. It's all very odd and I think you are right to be suspicious. If you are at a stage where you are seriously thinking she could be recording him secretly, that's enough of a worry to discourage it.

I'd get him to ask her why she wants to meet and not accept any "I'll tell you when I see you, don't want to discuss it" type flanneling and persist with a 'I just want to know roughly' until you/he gets some idea.