AIBU? Babysitters

[YourPinkBeaker]

I'll preface this by saying I don't think IABU.

Why do so many people trot out the 'hire a babysitter' line whenever people complain about parental burnout? Are people really doing this?

My child attends nursery and that feels difficult enough in terms of trusting strangers with my children - and that is with multiple trained professionals and widespread CCTV. Are people really finding strangers on the Internet and letting them into their homes to mind their children?!

I feel like our kids are young for such a short period of time and we can survive without an evening out together for a few years.

We have 0 childcare options outside of nursery, and until my kid is old enough to stay over with family (school aged/when they can consent and ask for sleepovers) my thinking is that we just don't get to go out and socialise together at night. That's the compromise I feel like we have to make. I just can't imagine farming my kid out to someone from a bloody website and given the judgemental takes on this site from people about daycare, I can't believe others are too. The only exception I couldnimagine is if your childminder offered babysitting services - outside of that rare option, are people really doing this?

I don’t believe my perspective is coloured by my losing my dad. I do believe, however, that having had 3 children and daily grandparent engagement in their lives makes me realise what is important and what is not. No one is perfect. That’s the point - no matter who is looking after your child, they’re not going to do things as perfectly as you are (or think you are). But it’s necessary. Or the child will grow up lacking independence, molly coddled and cocooned by an over bearing parent. That’s the reality. So we have to accept that the people in our lives are not perfect but they provide other things that you can’t provide. You’re going to have club helpers, teachers, nursery staff, other parents on school trips, other parents on play dates..all sorts of people in your child’s life. And they’re not going to do things the way you would do them. So either you battle it out with them all, like the grandparents, or you chill out a little and become more accommodating where possible and save the dramas for the important stuff.

The friend I mentioned nearly didn’t have children because she was so traumatised by growing up with her mum. She said she was worried about inflicting so much pain on her own child, in the way her mum did to her. Her mum’s critical tendencies towards everyone made her childhood very difficult, and continues into her adulthood. Cue eating disorders and anxiety. Her mum is the same as her. She never had therapy so the chain has never been broken. She’s now exactly like her mum, bringing up her own child. I’m fairly certain where it’s all heading for her child. He’s young but I can see it happening.

My babysitter i'd known for years before i had a baby and she started babysitting her at 11 months old.

It's that or never go out as a couple

I never used a babysitter when mine were little but that is because I had my parents. If I hadn't I'm sure I would have. Many of my friends did. They always used someone local and recommended.

I babysat for around 5 families as a teenager and my next door neighbours had a 3 month old and a 3 and 5 year olds as well.
we moved from London when my son was 2 we)ve had a succession of different babysitters one from an agency and then a variety of different teenagers ( as they tend to go off to university). No problem with any of them. I can’t afford to pay someone £15.00 an hour so teenagers are perfect. We pay them well

I’m not sure I called you awful. I called you pompous and suggested that you are being rather harsh in your tone when talking about two people who are trying their best to help you and to have a relationship with their grandchild.

I suspect we all come across situations in which others do things differently or not as well as we would wish for our children. And certainly, it is a very sad thing when we start to realise that our parents- or in laws - are no longer as fit or able to do those things they used to. I’ve certainly had instances when my parents / inlaws have forgotten to do something or done it in a difficult way. Sometimes I bite my tongue, sometimes I have to show them how to do something/ where things are kept, etc. But I always try to do it with understanding and kindness. And I always have to weigh up the (brilliant) benefits of having them available on occasion to do these things/ build their relationship with my child against the less brilliant bits. And sometimes the potential benefits might be outweighed by the potential dangers and by realising that they can no longer do what they once could. And that’s a dreadfully hard thing to discover and a harder thing to then navigate without risking dreadful upset and hurt.

Certainly though, I’d never dream of speaking to them dismissively, being nasty, or going online and writing rather mean things about them. I treat my parents and family and friends, and indeed nursery staff and such with respect and self awareness, and don’t speak to or about them as if they were rather badly behaved irritants.

Looking at things you’ve said your child’s grandparents have done:

• Car seat in the wrong place/ facing wrong way: So easily done. Especially as car seats have changed quite a lot over the years. One car seat I owned I only managed to install after reading the instructions several times and then watching two videos. Did you show them how to do it? Or consider, as I usually do, fitting the car seat for them yourself? They made a very understandable and easy to make mistake.
• They couldn’t keep up with your child when he/she ran away: Ok. Lessons learned all round there. They are getting old and aren’t as capable as they once were. They will probably have been terrified by the event and also have been dreadfully upset by the fact that their age is limiting what they can do. And besides, children are sneaky and fast and I sometimes have to pelt after ours after she makes a dash. Definitely not something worthy of your anger or vitriol.
• The nappy meal: It’s a nerve wracking thing looking after someone else’s child. You sometimes make decisions that seem right at the time and perhaps weren’t, or at least weren’t what the parents might have done. Certainly my experience of being a parent is that it is a series of mistakes, unexpected triumphs, constant compromise and learning and general mild panic. Lower expectations and don’t expect or demand perfection. It’s a tough standard to hold on to.

My point, as before, is that it’s all about tone and how you come across and how you manage these situations. And I stand by my assertion that the tone you use to complain about your parents (in-law?) is pretty dreadful and I really hope that you don’t speak to them in the same way as you write about them. Though I suspect they know how you feel. If pointing out to you that the tone and the words you use when attacking your child’s grandparents abilities are rather uncalled for and nasty, means you label me cold, so be it.

That is so beautifully written and just spot on. Made me quite sad just reading it.

If only everyone was so nice about grandparents. I read some truly stuff on here about grandparents. It makes me so sad and angry on so many levels.

I would never, ever ask someone I didn't know extremely well to babysit, DBS or not.
Nursery is very different, it's not so you can have a night out. There's cameras and other adults present. Even then mine didn't start until they could speak well enough to tell me things and were potty trained.

So nannies are bad, I guess?

Tell me about how good my family are at looking after kids please? And how a relationship between them and my children benefit my children in any way, seeing as you seem to know them better than I do…?
And what does mental health have to do with it? Are you one of these entitled grannies that thinks that you deserve a relationship and some sort of custody of your grandchildren purely because they’re your child’s offspring?

Thank you.

I’ve always thought that the saying, ‘it takes a village to bring up a child’, is absolutely right.

My parents divorced (and struggled) when I was three and my grandparents were a vital and integral part of my life. They helped look after me, they brought me great comfort and support. They taught me so much and expanded my horizons. They helped make me the person I am. And they helped me have a rather wonderful childhood that really, with all else that was going on, might not have been expected. I was very lucky. I was even luckier that they were all very long lived and I had them into my late twenties and early thirties.

My partner and I left it until our late thirties to start trying for a baby. It is a regret - and one that I can only see in retrospect - because we left it very late for our parents. They are all very wonderful and very proud grandparents, but they are all struggling now with age and health and cannot do what they would have wanted to do as grandparents. My mother has dementia, my father terminal (though thankfully now paused) cancer, my stepmother and in-laws also have various struggles and strains. Keeping the connection and helping them to be as actively involved as they can is the least we can do and watching them with our daughter is nothing but a joy. And my goodness but it gives us a bit of time off too!

I’m sure there’s always been an element of this amongst some, but it seems heightened nowadays, that today’s parents seem to forget that their children’s grandparents have done it all before and have forgotten more about parenting than we current parents know: they’ve seen it to conclusion while we’re just starting out! And there seems too to be some expectation of certain perfectionist ideals (perhaps from books and the internet social media) and a dismissive attitude to anyone who does things differently. It’s dreadfully sad.

Presumably if you employed a nanny you would have some trial runs with them and see how they interact with your child before you employed them. You wouldn't just let them look after your child without getting to know them and spending time with them .. I wouldn't anyway

You can do that with a babysitter too, though!

That's not permitted. Babysitters are exclusively total strangers from The Internet for parents who don't love their children.

Agreed. Some incredibly judges people on this thread, including the OP.

when I was went back to study a few years ago, I joined the Bubble app to make money( I have experience in childcare), I made more money on babysitting than my regular job. A lot of people use babysitters they don’t know, it’s strange that you don’t.

Yes absolutely... we did!

Erm.... sometimes babysitters are used so people can work, you know. My husband and I are both teachers and we often need babysitters when we have to do parents' evenings on the same night.

Equally, some people use nursery to have some time for themselves, not necessarily so they have to work. Do you think the reason for childcare makes a difference to its quality somehow...??

Regarding nursery and cameras etc... have you not seen all the awful things in the media recently about chilsren being abused in nurseries? Yes, there can sometimes be more accountability. But you can also have terrible problems with nurseries. The one we used left a child behind on an outing. My colleague's child choked at hers. It is possible that sometimes having lots of children is less safe than a 1:1 situation. Who are you to judge?

OP, we first started using a babysitter so that my husband and I could attend parents' evening (we are both teachers and often have parents' evenings on the same nights).

Would you prefer not to be able to speak to your child's secondary school academic subject teachers? As that is what would happen if people didn't use babysitters. Loads of my colleagues are in the same position. Please think before you judge people for 'farming' their kids out.

We've always asked our children's nursery key workers to babysit for us, or our neighbour who is a friend and knows the kids well. The nursery key worker gets the kids ready for bed so we can go out earlier as they're used to helping them at nursery but if we use our neighbour friend then we put the kids to bed and to sleep first so the neighbour literally just exists in our house while we're out.

My neighbour friend also works in a nursery too.

I wouldn't ever hire just any Tom Dick or Harry.

Kids are 2 and 4.

We don't have a 'trusted female' either. We use agencies and local teenagers. No different to nurseries. I've never understood why people are so precious about this kinf of thing. Just live your life

Yes people are using babysitters. My kids are 20+ now, but don't think I'd do any different today. For a start, not everyone has family they can ask!

Until our children were about 2, we used nursery staff, our cleaner and occasionally family. But if that hadn't been an option then would have used agency staff.

From about 2, we mostly used a local babysitting circle in the village we had moved to. As children got older, that became less active, so from about school age we increasingly paid teenaged neighbours and teenaged children of friends.

Using family was fairly rare as they did not live locally (ILs in another country, my own parents and siblings 90 mins plus away, but they did occasionally stay over in the holidays).

I'm afraid I don't really believe that you're as nice and kind and beatific as you claim to be, since you were quite happy to describe me as pompous, and to subsequently double down on that in your follow up post by saying that my language is pretty dreadful etc.

I started this thread of conversation to defend someone who was being criticised - you joined in to criticise me. So I'm not sure your lectures on kindness and understanding are very sincere.

Since I gave my examples, I've been told I'm anxious and controlling - which is far from the case. That poster is massively projecting.

In no way do I talk down to or patronise my ILs or parents. Depending on what the issue is, I either address it politely but firmly, or I let it go, or I make a casual nudge.

I'm not going to detail each and every instance to you, but one last example - he has a dairy intolerance, and I told them about how he wakes screaming in pain. MIL still tried to feed him some insisting that "a little bit won't hurt".

You are in danger of sounding pompous yourself lecturing me on your guesses about a situation I was directly involved in myself. I know perfectly well the ins and outs of these relationships, and rest assured, his grandparents get plenty of opportunities to benignly neglect him.

You are being really nasty now. Reported.

That’s called projection. Projection of disgust onto someone else.