AIBU? Babysitters

[YourPinkBeaker]

I'll preface this by saying I don't think IABU.

Why do so many people trot out the 'hire a babysitter' line whenever people complain about parental burnout? Are people really doing this?

My child attends nursery and that feels difficult enough in terms of trusting strangers with my children - and that is with multiple trained professionals and widespread CCTV. Are people really finding strangers on the Internet and letting them into their homes to mind their children?!

I feel like our kids are young for such a short period of time and we can survive without an evening out together for a few years.

We have 0 childcare options outside of nursery, and until my kid is old enough to stay over with family (school aged/when they can consent and ask for sleepovers) my thinking is that we just don't get to go out and socialise together at night. That's the compromise I feel like we have to make. I just can't imagine farming my kid out to someone from a bloody website and given the judgemental takes on this site from people about daycare, I can't believe others are too. The only exception I couldnimagine is if your childminder offered babysitting services - outside of that rare option, are people really doing this?

I'm with @ttcat37 on this one.

You really don't have any idea on what other people's family are capable of, it has nowt to do with relationships.

My children have a fantastic relationship with their grandparents. They dote on each other and it's always grandparents that my children pretend to call in their play and the first people they ask to visit.

But these grandparents are disabled. They have medical health problems, not mental health problems, that render them unable to care for my children without doing themselves more injury or damage.

They're family for goodness sake. Yes, they are. And that is the reason they will not be caring for my children. Because I value the health and wellbeing of both the children and the grandparents.

Don't be so quick to judge. That is the problem today and the attitude that is misplaced.

Hang on, you despise my attitude? You took a pop at my post based on absolutely nothing, no consideration as to my family situation. And clearly you have disdain for those who (by no fault of their own) come from a ‘broken home’, which is really rather unpleasant of you.

I don’t apologise for keeping people away from my children who don’t add anything positive to their lives or who might cause them harm. I’m sorry if you feel that parents should blindly allow access to family simply because they’re family, without consideration as to whether that is safe or healthy for the children involved.

And I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re not as perceptive as you think you are- you’re wrong on every count unfortunately!

I don’t really care what opinion you have of me. However, you seem unable to cope with someone criticising you.

As I’ve said before, what I find difficult in your posts is the rather horrible way you write about your (am assuming) in laws. The latest highlight in your last being, ‘his grandparents get plenty of opportunities to benignly neglect him’.

I mean, just wow.

It seems, as is so often the case, that you are quite happy to dish it out but far less able to take it.

Since you missed it, that was sarcasm based on your perception of my relationship with them.

But if you're worried about tone and bad language, I would kindly suggest that you turn your attention to the poster you're defending, who has made the most horrible attack at @ttcat37

YANBU.

I’ve no idea who said what and to whom during a completely different conversation on here, and I can’t possibly comment on it - especially as it’s no longer available.

It is, however, completely possible to agree with something someone says and then not agree with something else that person says. Though, as I say, I’m not sure what they said and so I cannot comment on that.

My interaction with you has been based upon not agreeing with your point of view and, in particular not agreeing with the way you speak of your child’s grandparents. Not agreeing with you is fine and indeed surely the whole point of an AIBU thread is that it gathers up a plethora of different opinions?

Now it is absolutely ok for you to disagree with me and to defend yourself. I might though suggest that if you are so sure that the comments and tone of those comments are not as vile as I find them, are in fact absolutely fine, that you have a conversation with you parents and in laws and let them know what you think. Or indeed share this thread with them. Of course you may look at what you’ve written about them and find that, actually, it’s not something particularly palatable and you’d rather not.

I was with you until you said they can’t stay with family until they are old enough to consent, how ridiculous, do they consent to nursery?

We always paid babysitters 25 years ago...usually the teenager down the street .

I'm.not sure how you survive on AIBU of you think my observations about my ILs care for my son were pompous and now vile.

I find it hugely interesting that you make such a strong plea for kindness whilst being happy to dish out personal attacks against me. You say you'd never make such comments about your family online? Well, I think I'd rather be someone who vented in private and was measured in direct contact, in person or online.

For what it's worth, my FIL made actually vile comments to me during pregnancy and after I'd given birth. His comments were so horrible MIL immediately shut him down and apologised, but that didn't stop me wanting to throw myself in front of a bus at the time.

But PLEASE keep telling me that the way I choose to privately vent about his care for my son. It's so enlightening to be told how I should react to the nuances of family relationship you know a few brief paragraphs about.

(You think I can't admit I was wrong - do you think you can confidently say you know enough about the situation to tell me I'm vile now for complaining in private about a sore bum vs comments that made me suicidal?)

Oh for goodness sake - can the both of you just knock this off now? This is really unpleasant - from both sides.

You shared a certain amount of information about how your in laws and parents care for your child and your thoughts on how they often mess up in doing so, and I commented on that. On what you shared. I mostly commented on your tone and how you came across in your posts. And you threw personal comments back at me so it was hardly one sided.

I apologise if my comments hurt you, but that they didn’t take into account your history with your family is not my fault I’m afraid. You chose to share such comments in a public space that invites responses and I responded to those. If you don’t want responses then don’t put yourself in a situation that might set yourself up for such.

I’m very sorry about what has happened to you with your in laws, that you have experienced that is dreadful and that even after such a horrible experience you have decided to put your child’s relationship with his grandparents above their relationship with you and what they did to you is very brave and commendable. It cannot be easy.

Shall we leave things there now?

Wow, so much to unpack here.... We also have limited options for help with our DC, but visiting GP (2hr flight away) would always mind then for a few hours each visit so we could have dinner out once or twice a year. What's the issue?? Why wait until they are teens to do that??

And then...
There is literally an entire genre of books about babysitters (aka Babysitter's Club and the like). How have you missed that? Where is your 'normal' emanating from? Is there a cultural difference here?

I think you are being very judgemental OP. Ironically you have “farmed” your children out to nursery. As you said they are only small for such a short time - a babysitter might be for one evening. Nursery is generally every week day, all day. Let other parents parent and do what’s right for them. Personally I don’t see why you would be on your high horse. Maybe look in before you look out.

No. Of course people are not finding strangers on the Internet and letting them into their homes to mind their children.

I am happy to leave it here.

I understand that posters can only post on what they see in a message, but I also bear in mind that there's naturally and perpetually a whole world of information behind other people's relationships with others that they couldn't post even if they wanted to.

I hope in future you consider that before coming in with a harsh judgement based on a single post.

We do, but our local prison has a getting offenders back into society programme called ‘Second Chances’ so we use that - it’s free!
child care is so expensive these days.

This thread is so long that I know replying is pointless, but what an insane post. I use babysitters, who are qualified DBS checked childcare workers, the exact same people who look after your children at nursery. We use the same people on a regular basis and they don't do any personal care. I do that because I deserve to go out and be a person, not just a parent, and because I value my marriage and I feel that my partner deserves to have my undivided attention sometimes.

Of course! Fair question, though.

😊

This

Sorry but expecting a couple to never go out together alone for a few years is completely ridiculous and unrealistic.

Women who handed kids to strangers in a nursery judges people harshly who hand kids to strangers at home.

Weird.

Super weird.

I think some people are missing the point. Asking people you know/your child knows very well to babysit is absolutely the norm and most people who have the opportunity will use it. Going online finding a stranger (dbs checked or not) and asking them to come to your home and be alone with your child who they have never met before and possibly comfort them when they wake is in my experience not what people do, i can go as far as saying i don't know anyone who has ever used this service and i know a few people who have no help at all. You've gotta laugh because most people on here telling you its fine and don't be so anxious are probably the same people who don't open the door when someone knocks. What people choose to do is no business of mine but its absolutely not something i would do just to go and have a meal and watch and film with my partner.

@Dumbo18

I think what you're missing is the middle ground.

The first babysitter we had, we advertised online (The Internet - The Horror!), met the person who answered, checked her DBS, checked her references (she worked in a nursery), had her round to meet our baby, spend a bit of time with him. Then tried started using her regularly.

She was initially a stranger from the internet but she wasn't a stranger when we started to leave our child with her.