AIBU? Babysitters

[YourPinkBeaker]

I'll preface this by saying I don't think IABU.

Why do so many people trot out the 'hire a babysitter' line whenever people complain about parental burnout? Are people really doing this?

My child attends nursery and that feels difficult enough in terms of trusting strangers with my children - and that is with multiple trained professionals and widespread CCTV. Are people really finding strangers on the Internet and letting them into their homes to mind their children?!

I feel like our kids are young for such a short period of time and we can survive without an evening out together for a few years.

We have 0 childcare options outside of nursery, and until my kid is old enough to stay over with family (school aged/when they can consent and ask for sleepovers) my thinking is that we just don't get to go out and socialise together at night. That's the compromise I feel like we have to make. I just can't imagine farming my kid out to someone from a bloody website and given the judgemental takes on this site from people about daycare, I can't believe others are too. The only exception I couldnimagine is if your childminder offered babysitting services - outside of that rare option, are people really doing this?

What risk?

Yeh, my kids' first nursery offered that too. Really useful. I really liked and trusted the staff there and they lived locally so it was ideal as a babysitting arrangement. Now we use our next door neighbour who us also lovely and nworks with children for her career.

So weird that people would be happy to put their child in nursery but not allow a nursery worker etc to babysit!

The risk of a stranger looking after your child. You know, what the post is about.

I don’t know, I think it sounds like you’re fairly difficult and particular. I’m thinking of a friend of mine who I would dread to have as a daughter in law. Extremely high maintenance. Everything has to be done in a particular way. Everything is done wrong. Everything about her behaviour is anxiety inducing. I hate going to her house or buying her child a present. She finds problems with ridiculous things. I can see her poor child looks like oh oh, my mums upset again. Her way is always superior. Everything is a problem. She writes lists for her parents and wants regular updates. I keep saying to her that they had her and she survived and is fine. But no, she needs to be in total control. I’m pretty relaxed and would consider the benefits of my children having a great relationship and good memories with their grandparents as being far more important than them missing a meal or having a slightly red bottom. I mean, that sounds a bit silly. But I’m guessing you’re going to disagree with me as you sound like her.

Yes, but I'm asking you what risk exactly. Because the risk to your child is far higher from your/ their dad or brother or uncle than a professional child carer or teenage female babysitter.

So again, what risk?

I don't find a stranger on the internet I couldn't manage that. But we have used the girls from nursery before and they have babysat and we pay cash in hand £11 an hour which is more than they are paid at nursery and I provide tea.

It's perfect for us. We don't do it often but we know the kids are in safe hands they know my kids my kids know them and I am confident in their abilities. Win win win.

We probably do it every 4 months/special birthdays or so as we have no other childcare.

But... who said the babysitter has to be a stranger?? We use babysitters. They're not strangers though! 😂 My children are probably at far more risk going to school or Beavers than in our house being looked after by our friends babysitting 😀

Are you deliberately being pedantic?

Okay- 100% agree. Its not worth the risk, if the babysitters are strangers.

The op literally says strangers.

Again, your children are much more at risk from men they know than women they don't know.

I wouldn't have used a babysitting service for mine either tbh. We were lucky that one of the senior staff members at the nursery we used would do babysitting. It was expensive though, so think we only did it once! A neighbour watched them too once or twice and luckily for us my mil is great with kids (primary teacher) so when she was able to she would watch them, but only special occasions.

All that said though, I don't think it's completely bonkers or unusual to use a service. We just didn't choose to ourselves. We got through it, but I would say it definitely put strain on our relationship as we never had date nights, or very, very rarely did. Not sure I'd do anything differently though

I used a stranger to babysit from a website- she provided a CV with references, her DBS check and I interviewed her in advance. My DD met her at the end of the interview. We then used her as a regular babysitter. She was lovely and it was a very professional arrangement. All seemed very normal to me. I wonder if this is more common in cities which have transient populations, as opposed to in regional areas where parents may have wider family support?

If by, "I sound like her", you mean, "I don't like my son to be left sitting in his own poo until his bum is sore and he won't eat" then I'm very glad that the woman you know has basic hygiene and comfort standards for her child.

My son has a lovely relationship with his grandparents because he's too little to know that Nana and Grandad should have had the common sense to change his nappy when they smelled poo rather than expecting him to sit in it.

But I suppose since you don't like the sound ofy standards then one day you can go into a nursing home where they leave you in a nappy for a while, right?

(I'm also interested to know how you think it would hurt their relationship for them to change his nappy? What are the BAD outcomes of performing a basic bit of childcare if they want to see him?)

Yeh the OP does refer to strangers. And has had it pointed out over and over again that a babysitter does not necessarily mean a stranger... try reading the thread (or re-reading it if you already have). 🙈

Yeh, I keep needing to be reminded of this. The stats are frightening.

So did we. You collected points when you sat. I don’t understand why people don’t do this these days. As for children being school age before they stay over with GP or other family - mine started at a few months old and always loved it. They grew up to be independent.

My DH and I live in a different country to our families. Of course when they visit they always offer a night of babysitting but day to day we need other options. When the older ones were small we hired the daughter of DH’s work colleague who was a medical student. She babysat for us for years and my kids adored her. More recently we’ve hired a uni student we know from our synagogue although given my eldest is nearly an adult and likes to make a bit of extra cash we very rarely need outside help now.

For a few years the only babysitter we had was a mutual friend of me and DH. A single bloke in his 50s which I’m sure many would have been up in arms about (FWIW he was fab, has been a constant presence in our kids lives and I trust him like I would any of my own family members)

I’m not meaning to be rude or unpleasant. I get that you want your child’s nappy changed. And I understand what happens when it’s not changed. I have 3 children. I just think it’s a tiny thing in the grand scheme of things. When they die, which could feasibly be very soon (my dad died when my daughter was 3), I don’t imagine you’ll be looking back thinking they were so rubbish because they didn’t change their nappy often enough. You’ll miss them and feel sad that your child is growing up without them. I feel like you’re blowing it well out of proportion because you’re an anxious person with controlling tendencies. That’s fine. We all have our issues. Just don’t sweat the small stuff so much. There are going to be really huge issues you have to contend with with your child and nappy changes are minuscule in the scheme of things. Hold onto your children’s grandparents as much as you can because they’ll be gone at some point. And let them spend all the time with your child. And relax a little. If you’re like this about small details now, it’s going to have an impact on your child as they grow up.

I feel the same as you! My little boy is 15 months - he does three days a week with nursery and my mum looks after him one day while I’m working. I wouldn’t have a stranger or friend babysit for me at this age, I think he’s too young! We’ve had two meals out where grandparents have come over and put him to bed, but we’ve been back by around 10pm. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him staying overnight somewhere - his grandparents adore him but I think it’s A LOT to ask of someone to have him for that amount of time. When he’s older I’m hoping a sleepover at nanny’s will be a fun thing and he will enjoy it 😊

You seem to be implying that your child’s grandparents purposefully sat him in his highchair in a dirty nappy. Now of course that might be the case, but is it not more likely that they didn’t know? That they hadn’t smelt it? That they, like all of us (apart from perhaps you) are fallible.

I think that @springtimemagic ’s point is more to do with your way of putting your point across, the dismissive and haughty tone you use when talking of the grandparents, something that has only continued in your latest response. Personally, I’d have to agree with them, that you sound a pompous nightmare.

My mother worked in a local teacher training college &, as such, had a ready supply of young people who needed extra money, but also familiar with the needs of young children. My parents had a very active social life & went out at least twice a month. Mum would ask one of her trust-worthy trainee teachers to baby sit for my DB & me. We loved it - they would play with us, tell us stories, let us try their make-up, have discos to the latest music, stay up later than usual etc. It was a bit like having a ready supply of older 'fun' aunts & uncles come to stay for the evening.

No - they actually told me when I came back half an hour later that "they though he might have done a poo, but he really wanted his dinner".

If I sound like a pompous nightmare, then perhaps that's because someone suggested that the constant lack of decent care means that I'm a joyless mum who doesn't let her son have loving relationships?

If you read my first post, I actually make sure my son has lots of nice times with his grandparents, but I make sure I mitigate the fact that they're clearly pretty rusty at childcare.

I'm responding in kind here by saying that YOU sound like a very cold person who likes to dish out insults - from the first part of your message you seemed to be willing to have a conversation, but clearly you prefer to call me awful based on a couple of posts.

Who the hell do you think you are OP saying people 'Willy Nilly' hire babysitters for their children. Since you say you don't actually know anyone that does - how do you know what checks people make before hiring them ???

I've hired local babysitters in the past - these have mostly already babysat friends children, I'd know their parents, etc. They would have spent time with my children with me present before being left alone with them. I'd have built up to it with only being gone for an hour or two first few times, etc.

These babysitters could be as trustworthy and caring as any relative. I did my research and risk assessments and was also guided by instincts and intuition.

My children were always perfectly safe. Myself and DH had some great nights out. I was able to go to appointments when necessary without children and bring one child to appointments without the others. A

Can't speak for everyone but the short version of why not for us is that we have more money than time.

Also we live in London which is quite transient so it would be difficult to make a stable group to do this. Of our NCT group, for example, only one still lives in the area, three have moved internationally and the others out of London

You think not being happy with making a carseat less safe by turning it against the parents wishes and leaving a baby in a dirty nappy for so long that they were sore is being “extremely high maintenance”?
It sounds like you could really do with raising your standards.

I appreciate the more balanced response than your first post.

Some of these issues aren't small though (I didn't want to be more war and peace than I already was...), and my son still is small enough that he's dependent on adults for his safety.

I think your perspective is coloured by losing your dad - it makes you dismissive of perfectly normal expectations like expecting your child to be basically looked after when in the care of loving adults.