AIBU? Babysitters

[YourPinkBeaker]

I'll preface this by saying I don't think IABU.

Why do so many people trot out the 'hire a babysitter' line whenever people complain about parental burnout? Are people really doing this?

My child attends nursery and that feels difficult enough in terms of trusting strangers with my children - and that is with multiple trained professionals and widespread CCTV. Are people really finding strangers on the Internet and letting them into their homes to mind their children?!

I feel like our kids are young for such a short period of time and we can survive without an evening out together for a few years.

We have 0 childcare options outside of nursery, and until my kid is old enough to stay over with family (school aged/when they can consent and ask for sleepovers) my thinking is that we just don't get to go out and socialise together at night. That's the compromise I feel like we have to make. I just can't imagine farming my kid out to someone from a bloody website and given the judgemental takes on this site from people about daycare, I can't believe others are too. The only exception I couldnimagine is if your childminder offered babysitting services - outside of that rare option, are people really doing this?

YABU in your language. Just because something doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for other parents. “farming my kids out” - get a grip!

Well, you’re the one who seems to be saying nursery is okay because there are cameras.

I’m just pointing out that you can have cameras at home as well.

And then claiming that there’s no judgement, lol.

Aye, right.

I had various babysitters most weeks as a child, but then I was also with a full-time childminder from about six months of age too. The horror 😱

I personally would never use a babysitter from the Internet or anything like that. I would also never leave my very young children with a teenager except possibly from around age 5 or 6 and even at that they would need to be a very mature and responsible teenager and it would be for a very short time.

I would only consider people already known to us like the nursery staff or family who know the kids very well.

Why is it any more "judgemental" for me to prefer not to use daycare than it is for you to prefer not to use babysitters?

As kids in the 90s and early 00s we had babysitters all the time, usually teenagers from the village/ teen children of people my parents knew. They are some of my happiest childhood memories as they were so much fun. I then babysat for local families frequently from about 14 (babies and primary aged kids) until I went to uni. Not sure I’d use someone that young myself but nothing bad ever happened!

We moved away from London and family when our children were babies/toddler so used an NCT babysitting circle with vouchers made up of mums/dads with similar age kids. We all knew each other from mum and baby groups. It worked well but obviously we could only babysit if dads at home to mind our own children. We used our neighbours a few times too. I also had a trainee nanny through a local college as my children had small gap between them so she came one day a week to help me and we paid her to babysit in the evening.

It's obvious that people do because there are so many services!

We do. For the most part, it isn't "strangers", we use the same people again and again who we know and trust. For a long time staff at the nursery - we leave them with them during the day, why would we suddenly not trust them in the evening? At the moment, our regular babysitter found through an agency is a teacher. Why would she be a scary stranger in this context but just find if she was my children's teacher?

I think you also don't understand that some people - we are in this position - have absolutely zero family support. So there isn't the option that you have to wait for a few years (and actually you aren't even waiting now, you have had more grandparent babysitting in 18 months than we will ever have)

The other thing you don't seem to understand is necessity sometimes - next week, one of my children has a hospital appointment at the same time as DH has a job interview. I will try and sort a playdate for the other child but if I can't, I will likely book a babysitter because it's an appointment that would be quite difficult with younger child tagging along.

I kinda see your point OP about strangers having your child. But then my situation is different my parents, sister and my 16 year old niece offer to have our DC so we are fortunate.

But having a night together is so important too! Myself and my husband don't get to do it too often but it's lovely when we do! X

We are in London in quite an affluent area, and it definitely seems quite common here - parents have made recommendations (for childcare websites) on the nursery Whatsapp etc. I've never looked at the websites but they seem to have a feedback system.

We don't have family to babysit except when we visit them abroad (but even then PILs are old and inactive so aren't that helpful). We've never used a babysitter, I am a private person and I dislike the idea of someone being unsupervised in our home (and we don't use a cleaner either). I'm happier with the idea of using a creche though, and there are a few services for that here but we've never used them. I suppose when it comes down to it I'd rather spend our free time with each other and the dcs. DH and I have only had occasional dates when he's had leave while DCs are in preschool/school. People often say it's essential for your marriage but we seem to bumble along just fine. We'll have more time when the dcs are older (I'm a sahm so I will have plenty of time to myself when both are in school/preschool for the full day), and the youngest will be able to access school wraparound care and holiday camps in a few months. I wouldn't want to do babysitting swaps as I don't want to be an unpaid childminder really, I'm happy looking after my own dcs but not others.

we’re very lucky that we haven’t needed a babysitter as family both far and wide that I am happy to leave DC 10 months with. I have started to try a babysitting circle with friends so on alternative months we have a film night at their house and whilst kids are asleep and the other couple go out but never really took off but would definitely try this again in future. As other PPs have said people use nursery staff who children know which would be an option for me. I understand the concern of picking an unknown from the internet which I think I would be uncomfortable whilst she’s this young but if only option when she’s older might be a consideration. My dc does sleep through so oftentimes the person minding her is free from 7pm until the morning and my dc doesn’t even know they’re there.

I think what you’re forgetting OP is the advice of a babysitter that is often given here is usually for posters who are struggling with parenting/ their relationship/ time / MH / trying to do it all and need a break. You’ve said yourself that you are happy to not have a night away from your children for a few years which is completely fine but for me personally if my partner and I couldn’t have a childless night to reconnect or I couldn’t see my friends away from home or have some semblance of me time I wouldn’t be happy and genuinely don’t think I would have wanted to have kids. I think I’ve had the best 10 months of maternity leave precisely because I’ve got the balance right (for me) of putting myself first when needed and enjoying this time off work - and not ashamed to say a lot of that time has not been with my child 🤣 as PP put it different strokes for different folks

You're being very black and white in your thinking here OP. As if there were only two options, a) grandparents or "very close friends" looking after the DC, or b) total stranger picked at random off a website.

Whereas, as this thread shows, most of us use childcare that's somewhere in between those two extremes: people in our community, who we've known for a while and we trust, whose families or employers we know, but who we're not necessarily close to, and who get paid for their time, because they're looking for a bit of extra cash.

That's very different to "farming out your children".

We used to take days off together when my son was in nursery and we’ve had babysitters from he was very young. We didn’t have family to help so had to use ‘the village’!

I personally wouldn't hire a sitter. But then I don't care much for going out in the evening anyway. My DH does so I'm at home which works out great for us. People can take turns if they both wish to go out.

That being said I was an excellent babysitter/aupair/nanny and all the kids have always been safe and attended to during my watch and I don't think the parents who hired me were irresponsible because references were checked and I was invited to play with the children first so they could see that the children were happy with me and I was able to be kind and firm when needed for their safety.

I babysat for pocket money from 14 to 17.

I never looked after babies, mainly kids aged 6 to 9 and they were usually getting into bed when I arrived and asleep within half an hour.

I just watched tv - phoned my mates. Parents home by 11 usually and made sure I got home ok.

It's fine - they were usually friends of my parents and I could call my mum up the road if I needed anything.

Parents need to get out once in a while - it's not healthy to purely rely on the child's grandparents either - my mum babysat for my child a few times and she was exhausted by the time I got home at 11/12 - she hated it .

Found myself a freindly local teenage babysitter in the end and my son loved her.

I agree about the stranger thing. Someone posted on a Facebook group recently asking for a babysitter to have their child overnight and random people were saying “hi- I’ll do it!”

For you I’d recommend getting to know the workers in nursery better as we used our son’s key worker - she was happy for extra cash and our son loved her.

Both options have positive and negative aspects.

We have lots of friends and neighbours and people we know who have teenaged kids but when the kids were little we would mostly swap with friends who had similar aged kids who we knew as a family. I.e. my friend would come and sit with the kids once they were in bed and we would pop out, very nearby so we could come home quickly if needed. Leaving them with someone you know really well is extremely low risk and has large benefits for you and them.

I know it may be a long way off but it is really, really important for kids to have other trusted adults that they know and can talk to who aren't their parents once they become teenagers. You can't talk to your parents about everything and then issues can get internalised and become really serious and entrenched before they are identified. Examples in my kids friends group who are 12 include self harm, anorexia and suicide and we are in a "naice" middle class area.

The most logical way to decide is to make a list of the benefits of each and then list the possible things which could go wrong and how likely they could be and the long term consequences.

To be blunt, leaving your kids with a well trusted female friend who knows them and has their own kids, the risk of abuse or negligence of any kind is vanishingly small.

What do you think will happen to your child of you leave them for an hour with a babysitter?

What do you think the consequences of your child never having been apart from you in a non formal setting could be when they get invited to a friend's house to play or a birthday party where you are not allowed to stay?

I would have no issue leaving them with a trusted female - we just don't have anyone! We have one set of grandparents who can offer an afternoon once every six months at the moment.

My kid is tiny at the moment, so I think when she's older other family would be happy to have her. Friends all have their own kids and inasmuch as I don't want to look after theirs, they don't want to look after mine! The single friends are all very busy enjoying their childfree lives and have no interest in looking after kids (which i completely support!)

My SIL has said she's excited for when my little one is older and can come for sleepovers and she can mind them - she's vaguely terrified by looking after a toddler on her own.

Either way, this thread isn't about the merits of child free time. As someone who gets basically 0, I can completely understand that it's important.

My AIBU was about the idea that people can just willy nilly hire babysitters who aren't known to them - i just can't get my head around it tbh.

You might be able to " survive," without a night out for years. Might not be the same for someone single with the kids who doesn't get a break and no adult company at home

I was fortunate my MIL was helpful but if she wasn't then I'd have got babysitters.

But then again I wasn't stressed and neurotic about leaving them at nursery either

Why do you get zero child free time? Why on earth don't you go out with your friends while your husband stays home?

Under a year... yeah fine

but after that Yabu...
You dont pick any stranger off the street but you build a network of trusted people you can turn to.

You need to make space for your marriage as well as your children.

So they are still having the kids cared for by others while they spend adult time with each other. Bit different from never having time as a couple alone

Most people don’t hire babysitters who aren’t known to them - we used local nursery staff who offered babysitting in the evenings and also teenage kids of friends as our child got older. It’s a way for them to earn some extra money and we’d only be ten minutes away in town so could come home easily if needed.

YANBU to not want strangers looking after your children, that’s personal choice. You could have phrased it in a less judgemental way though.

I think people only hire randoms when their kids are a lot older and can tell them/ ring them if anything happens. We have to some times as we have to employ carers for my son who has a disability (teenager but more like a 7 year old). I always have them DBs checked and interview them and ask for references. There is a risk obviously but he will always need carers and it can't always be me or his dad so I have had to take the risk.

My parents had no family when me and my sister were young, our grandparents were dead and there was no aunties or uncles. They had a circle of neighbours/friends who they would ask to babysit (and return the favour) we also used to babysit for neighbours when we were 14+.

I'm lucky enough that we have family who babysit for us but if we weren't then I'd happily pay a local teen or ask one of my friends to babysit. I don't think that's odd or risky at all.