AIBU? Babysitters

[YourPinkBeaker]

I'll preface this by saying I don't think IABU.

Why do so many people trot out the 'hire a babysitter' line whenever people complain about parental burnout? Are people really doing this?

My child attends nursery and that feels difficult enough in terms of trusting strangers with my children - and that is with multiple trained professionals and widespread CCTV. Are people really finding strangers on the Internet and letting them into their homes to mind their children?!

I feel like our kids are young for such a short period of time and we can survive without an evening out together for a few years.

We have 0 childcare options outside of nursery, and until my kid is old enough to stay over with family (school aged/when they can consent and ask for sleepovers) my thinking is that we just don't get to go out and socialise together at night. That's the compromise I feel like we have to make. I just can't imagine farming my kid out to someone from a bloody website and given the judgemental takes on this site from people about daycare, I can't believe others are too. The only exception I couldnimagine is if your childminder offered babysitting services - outside of that rare option, are people really doing this?

Having a grandparent babysit 5 times in 18 months sounds amazing - I think our parents have had our kids maybe 5 nights in total in the last 12 years (we are immigrants)

To be honest we very rarely found the sweet spot of my kids being old enough I wasn't filled with nonstop anxiety about leaving them, having trusted people to pay, and having enough money to pay them. We hired someone from the nursery a few times pre-covid, then post-covid my kids were at school. We've hired people from after school club a few times but we really just can't afford to hire a babysitter more often. So we have had a handful of nights out since having our daughter 12 years ago - and our marriage is a bit of a mess for this and other reasons.

At this point I'd leave my kids with whoever - my daughter isn't quite ready to be in charge herself (though we are going to work towards it!) but she and my son can contact me if there are any issues, we know all our neighbours, and they really just need someone physically in charge of them if they fall down and break an arm or something. We just hired a babysitter for a group of them for the first time in years as our friends who sometimes watch them were hosting a birthday party. And yes - the moment we left our friend's son fell on his face and needed a pile of plasters so we were glad the babysitter was there to do it. He's a lovely guy and we will have him back again if there's something super fun we both want to do.

Mostly we take turns and go out with our own friends as it's just a faff to be on a timer.

A lot of my friends are also immigrants so you pay for babysitting or don't have it. We do have a couple of friends we have swapped with but sometimes that's just not worth it.

I've never done it. I've only had family mind my kids and if no one was available then I just didn't go out. I don't know anyone who has either. I see it as a more middle class thing. I'm not knocking anyone who does it, I'm just not part of those circles who hire people for this sort of thing and it's not something I personally would feel comfortable with.

I think the reason why the thread became about the merits of child free time is because of comments in your original post such as :

“I feel like our kids are young for such a short period of time and we can survive without an evening out together for a few years”

“We have 0 childcare options outside of nursery, and until my kid is old enough to stay over with family (school aged/when they can consent and ask for sleepovers) my thinking is that we just don't get to go out and socialise together at night. That's the compromise I feel like we have to make.”

I think the point people are trying to get over is that the “Willy nilly” hiring of babysitters is for a lot of people comparable to sending your child to nursery which to you is completely acceptable. You Ofc don’t know every person intimately who will be looking after your child at nursery. You’re not there to see the interactions and your child won’t be able to tell you in detail what happened. Most of us take recommendations from friends / family and then there is an element of trust that has to take place. Over time you get to know the place and your child gets to know the workers. The same happens with babysitting.

Just last year there was a high profile prosecution of a nursery worker who has been found guilty of manslaughter of a child whilst working at the nursery. She wasn’t a lone worker, and there were cameras but it still happened. It’s shocking and horrific. Most people haven’t removed their children from nursery because the chances of this happening is tiny and people need childcare. I know you’re not trying to come across as judgemental but you’re making it sound like people are mad for allowing babysitters when it is a long-standing, common way of people to have childcare when they need it - just as nurseries are.

100% agree

I mean all childcare is ultimately optional. You can always downsize, go on benefits etc to avoid using it.

If you don't want to trust anyone with your child, you can become a SAHM and home educate. And there are plenty of people on Mumsnet who won't use a nursery like the OP does.

But most people do use some childcare. And babysitters aren't ultimately very different from nurseries or childminders or nannies

Ah I'd love more childcare.
We have children with additional needs so it would be unfair on a teenager and I don't actually see them advertise or know of any where I am. The odd childminder doing babysitting but then are charging accordingly which can get expensive. I think my area is somewhat lacking as our school doesn't offer any holiday club after school or breakfast club.

My children wouldn't respond well to an unknown face so it would have to be something built up over time. I'd happily use a nursery worker but one nursery we was at we had to sign a form to say we wouldn't use any of the staff as babysitters and the other one they don't offer it.

It's the cost really that we just don't have we would rather use limited funds for a take away and stay in.

I do understand where you're coming from op it does seem strange to just invite someone in to look after what's most important to you. But that relationship has to start somewhere.

I do think it's important to have someone in your life who can mind your children ie someone you trust.
It's less of an issue when they are very small and rarely not with you, but there may be times when you need short notice or emergency care e.g. someone to watch the child while you're having a filling or smear test during the day when your partner is working. The unlikely but not unheard of trip to A&E.

I think there is a class element to it but it's more correlation than causation

Middle class couples are more likely to have moved away for work and not have parents nearby, similarly they are more likely to have had children later on in life and so grandparents may be too old or have died. And then obviously there is the financial element.

If we waited for family to be available, we would literally never be able to go out as a couple.

Yep, I agree. We have always used babysitters from a young age, sometimes family, sometimes nursery staff, friends teenagers currently and once in an emergency someone recommended online. One child is ND so needs extra patience and reassurance and never had a single problem, ever. All my friends and family have used babysitters.
I had babysitters growing up, my mum was part of a babysitting circle.
It's not at all unusual and you sound very judgemental.

I'm reading the Poldark novels at the moment -they're very well researched, and cover all sorts of aspects of daily life, including regular references to childcare.

The little baby being brought to work with the maid until she starts crawling, then being cared for by her grandmother. The daughter being breastfed in the morning, then having sugar and water at lunch before her mum returns at 5. Governesses, grandparents, maids...

It's far from regular to have babies exclusively cared for by the parents! Even cows have rotas for babysitting calves.

What we do though, for example, is have grandparents over for the afternoon, we go out, come back to do bedtime, then go out for dinner when he's asleep. This minimises some of the gaps in their care, and gives us a nice half day together.

Yes of course they are. I used to use the 16 year old girl from our school (also happened to b the vicars daughter and really fortunately lived a block away as I am a lone parent so would have had to get a taxi home for her otherwise). When small I used a nursery worker, a friend’s friend’s nanny. What’s the big deal? I am not going to be home bound for years! I want to see friends and enjoy myself if an evening, see a play or attend a party. When my DH was alive we (shock horror) would leave our kids for a weekend every year on our anniversary after they hit a year. It’s not ‘farming’ out the children, these people aren’t randoms off the street. And what the hell do you mean by ‘consent’?? Will you be asking if they ‘consent’ to go to school? Bet you won’t!

What are you on about. You are choosing to make those sacrifices for no dates but you are doing so for no reason. What’s different about leaving the house when your kid is asleep vs watching tv? I personally think it’s completely mad. If you have family close enough for a sleepover, you have family close enough to sit in your living room for 3 hours whilst you go out for a meal to celebrate an occasion. Either our parents fly and stay for a week and give us an evening off (are you saying you have no family that have visited your kid?) or we use our local babysitter who does all of our and friends families. It just sounds very lonely and like you have no parent friends or networks - or you just like to pretend you are making a sacrifice for some reason.

Consent is an odd word to use. You’re the adult and you make the decisions. Children aren’t equipped to consent to staying with family. If you’d trust them with your child when they’re school age, why not now? Have these family had children of their own? I think if I felt I was deemed not able to look after a child until the child said they wanted me to, I wouldn’t want look after them. Likewise having had children of my own and someone suddenly asking when they thought the child was old enough…again I’d say no.

we lived abroad when DS was born and family stayed when he was between 4 and 8 weeks. Just before they went back we had a night away in the city. We were very lonely and it was lovely to get a bit of ourselves back. He was absolutely fine, happy and comfortable. Now, I’m not judging folks who don’t do that, or who don’t go out. If like yourself they don’t need or want to…that’s fine. For us we returned before DS2, and didn’t do the same after he was born because support was there so we could nip over the road for a quick drink whilst the in-laws or my parents were staying.

Also, if you don’t want pay a babysitter then don’t do that. Again, each to their own. I did paid babysitting from 14 and we pay a babysitter now and she’s fab! This is until next year when our DS1 is 14 and our DS2 starts high school.

I may have it wrong, but this seems like a post to judge fellow parents decisions. I agree with a PP who said kids are the same now as they were years ago when this was more the norm. So it’s nice to build each other up and support each others different ways of life.

Just so you know sexual abuse of children is nearly always committed by a family member or friend. It’s not babysitters. You aren’t taking the risk averse approach you think

No I wouldn’t trust those websites/apps that claim they have done checks or have vetted their babysitters. We have a nanny for our kids and she literally just signed up to a few of those for extra cash and there were no extensive checks done on her. But she is amazing and honestly makes a great babysitter, and has landed a few jobs from there.

I am one of those random babysitters from the internet. I do babysitting through a respected nationwide babysitting company. They only take on childcare professionals. I had to show my teaching qualifications, first aid and DBS.

I go to bookings and I wonder if I will get murdered 😂

I have nervous parents but regular updates etc helps. I have excellent reviews as well. Plus the kids if they are still awake will tell their parents if they didn’t like me.

I’ve babysat for Lords and regular folk in council flats. I do the same thing everytime. Find out about the child and what the parents want me to do.

I think it is important to remember that you are part of a couple and behaving like one rather than the parents is also important as children will model our relationships.

you need to build up your friend network so you at least have an emergency person that can jump in the car and come to yours if say one of the parents was in an accident.

Well we went through a pretty long phase of never having time alone as a couple (no family close by, efb baby, paid babysitters not for us) and it was okay - I think because we have similar values and priorities. I’m not saying it was easy but it isn’t unusual or necessarily problematic - I think the issue would more likely arise if you have two people with very different outlooks on life but that’s the same across a variety of issues!

also I should add that we have left out kids with family or nanny for nights out since they were 4-5 months old. Only with people we trust and always in our house. If we hadn’t done that we wouldn’t have survived as a couple. Also our kids are used to being looked after by others and we have no drama at all when we need to leave before bedtime.
100% you don’t have to sacrifice your mental or physical wellbeing for your kids, as long as they are safe and looked after.

Agree and also it's not all about sexual abuse. Often grandparents are simply not competent to look after young children. I find it a bit ridiculous that there are people I know who will happily leave their toddlers with elderly grandparents who can't hear well or move quickly while boasting about how they would never dream of paying for a babysitter. I really think my kids are much safer left with their babysitter who is a 30 year old teacher..

I did so much babysitting, from age 10 up. Always on the assumption mum was at home and would come and help me if needed.

I can see people might be more comfortable hiring an adult, but I struggle to think of babysitting horror stories either way.

People aren't designed to raise children alone in a nuclear family. It's why only humans (and whales?) have menopause so you have childcare available for your big-brained, slow-growing labour-intensive mammal offspring.

Sure, find someone you can trust. But do find someone you can trust!

Sorry, your child can’t stay overnight with family? Wtf. Your child needs to consent to a sleepover with their family? I hate to think how disappointed this child will be with the world when they grow up.

Either that or this is a wind up post.

People are so odd. It’s your family for goodness sake. No wonder the world is struggling with mental health. There is a complete breakdown of family ties and relationships. How sad for these children 😔

Did they know they were being watched?

We have used babysitters since the kids were about 6 months old including “strangers” albeit through heavily vetted agencies or recommendations. Our kids have never known any different so very relaxed with childcare which is great for their independence and our freedom.

Yes, this is what we did. Kids used to love it when the big teenager came to look after them, they had fun !

You don’t have to use a babysitter if you don’t want to but I loved using them. I had 4 kids close in age and lived far from family so had no family help. Being able to afford to use babysitters was a big deal to me. My husband I got to out out together once every couple of weeks and I got to go out with friends a similar amount. I really valued that time.

My kids were easy kids and well behaved so that made it easier to do. I was 100% confident in the babysitters. One was a trainee teacher - we used her for years and still keep in touch. I paid well but not crazily so. I can’t ever remember any problems but we were only ever a phone call away.
I loved to be with my kids and was a very present Mum but I also valued having some non kid time. Also, my kids loved their babysitters.

One of my daughters babysat throughout her teens and managed to save over £4000 before going to Uni. The kids she babysat loved her. Once they were in bed my daughter would do her homework and said it felt like she was being paid to study.

if people can’t afford to babysit then fair enough but if you can I don’t see why you shouldn’t have some non kid time every now and then.