AIBU? Babysitters

[YourPinkBeaker]

I'll preface this by saying I don't think IABU.

Why do so many people trot out the 'hire a babysitter' line whenever people complain about parental burnout? Are people really doing this?

My child attends nursery and that feels difficult enough in terms of trusting strangers with my children - and that is with multiple trained professionals and widespread CCTV. Are people really finding strangers on the Internet and letting them into their homes to mind their children?!

I feel like our kids are young for such a short period of time and we can survive without an evening out together for a few years.

We have 0 childcare options outside of nursery, and until my kid is old enough to stay over with family (school aged/when they can consent and ask for sleepovers) my thinking is that we just don't get to go out and socialise together at night. That's the compromise I feel like we have to make. I just can't imagine farming my kid out to someone from a bloody website and given the judgemental takes on this site from people about daycare, I can't believe others are too. The only exception I couldnimagine is if your childminder offered babysitting services - outside of that rare option, are people really doing this?

Really weird take, OP. It’s not a choice of strangers or nobody! We use: DS’ best friend’s mum (I swap with her), our next door neighbour teenager who we’ve known since she was 10, a kind elderly neighbour for a couple of hours, my daughter’s godmother, my brother and sister in law (who live 2 hours away but are willing to give us a night out once a year when they come to visit). No random strangers in sight! We pay the teenager and gave the elderly neighbour a box of biscuits and a candle. We paid for the godmother’s takeaway and gave her a bottle of wine. Weird marriage if you literally never go out together just because you have kids!

YABU
If i need a babysitter, I get a babysitter, simple. I wouldn't judge someone who didn't but if that meant that we couldn't spend time together, the natural consequence would be that the friendship may drift apart

Weren’t you the person who judged by stating it’s odd thinking not to have paid babysitters and to suggest divorce is on the cards?! And I’ve had times not being lucky enough to live close to my parents - still didn’t use paid babysitters because they aren’t for me - if they work for you that’s great and I wouldn’t dream of saying you’re odd or more likely to end up splitting with your partner.

Yes, we have used an agency for babysitting (if we book in advance, we can use the same person, she's fab). Our baby goes to bed at 6.30 pm so actually all she does is sit in my house....and we have indoor Ring cameras, we can see everything. It's great. We've only done it 3 or 4 times as my baby is 7 months and still wakes so often that we're too shattered to go out. But we've been to a few birthday dinners and had a date night too.

Um, no. No I wasn’t. Didn’t mention divorce anywhere…

@muggart I don't live in the UK and what you are describing is a "domestic helper" here. Very common and a life saver.

I’ve never left mine with anyone other than nursery. Even family. I’ve not seen enough to think they’re capable of taking care of them (and seen plenty to think they’re not). Like you we’re fine with not going out without them- we weren’t party animals before and like having the kids with us, so it doesn’t feel like we’re missing out.

Sorry it was @Carriemac who I had initially responded to and I thought I was continuing that conversation - apologies! It did seem like quite a leap to suggest!

I used to babysit in my early teens for two local families.

One on Saturday nights in exchange for a tenner and some chips when they got home. I did this for about 2 years every week.

The other one I used to care for 3 kids over a weekend fri-sunday and sleep over at theirs. I must have been about 15 then.

This was in the 90s.

My DS is used to being out, his first sleepover was at 3 months old. Being a working single parent i needed this to be a regular occurrence in his life

Haven’t read beyond first page but just thought it was odd there was no mention of technology helping? We used a babysitter from a website once but watched/recorded her on the nanny cam from our phones the whole time 😂

Not judging... but using phrases like 'farming my kids out'?? Sounds judgy to me!

You’ve lived a very sheltered life then. I babysat from the age of 15 for many neighbours and I had babysitters for my children most weekends. We lived abroad so no family to call on and we wanted a social life where it wasn’t always possible to take the kids. All of our friends were doing the same.

I spent years as a paid babysitter from age 14-18 back in the 90s, and my daughter regularly babysits now and has done since age 14. There are plenty of people who regularly use paid babysitters!

Having said that mostly it's for school age kids, especially when you're talking about an unqualified teenager. My daughter has mostly only been asked to babysit babies and toddlers since she has had a childcare qualification, DBS etc and people with younger kids tend to want references and/or to meet her and see her with the kids first, whereas with age 4+ most people are happy for her to turn up 10 minutes before they go out.

This! I use two neighbours, both on our street. They are lovely and my kids love them. Usually at least one of them is available. I trust them and I pay them well. I certainly don't feel like I'm 'farming' my kids out.

Some nurseries will do babysitting too. Our babysitter is from nursery.

Just to say I haven't rtft yet, but we are lucky that our little boy (nearly 6) has been minded twice by his babysitter, and it was the same lady who worked in the nursery he attended, so he has always had a good bond with her. We have used her twice in nearly 2 years, the 1st time was for (an adult only) wedding night time party, and the 2nd was for an evening orchestra concert that was a surprise gift for me and DH.
He adores his babysitter and cannot wait for his next play date. I honestly think it all depends on your preference really.

I remember when he was a few weeks old my mum minded him, so me and my DH could go out for an early bird meal and I was on edge, but it was great!
Also my MIL a couple of weeks later minded him so we could go and watch a live concert, and it was nice to have a date night. But those occasions were one offs, as I got diagnosed with PPD and OCD, then covid hit.

My mum used to mind DS for us on one of my work days, and so did my MIL (I only work 2 days a week PT).
Now sadly, my mum is too poorly to have him for long periods (she has gotten more poorly as time went by) and sadly my MIL passed away after our boy turned 2.

In my circle of friends, generally people use family or children of close friends for babysitting. With my eldest three, that would be absolutely fine and I'd have had no issue with that. With my youngest, however, there's no way that I'd leave him with anyone other than close family - not because I don't trust them, but because he wouldn't cope. However, he's ND and needs a very strict routine and familiarity. My husband and I have had three nights away over the last 7 years. As a couple, we're absolutely fine. I'm sure as he gets older, things will improve, but for now we'll keep things as they are. Absolutely no judgement on other parents though - time as a couple is important and as long as you know your DC are safe and well looked after, I don't see the harm at all.

This is utterly bonkers. You don't know A SINGLE PERSON who was babysat by anyone other than family and you don't know anyone who has used a paid for babysitter? We didn't have grandparents nearby so of course we used babysitters - friends, key workers from nursery, friends' nannies, babysitters from agencies - from a very early age. Having children doesn't mean giving up your life. Weird.

Op to be perfectly being this obsessed over your children does not sound healthy, we didn't hire babysitters but I have no issue to people who do

I do wonder how the mental health of children and adults in relationships are with people who are this obsessed now or in the future

I'm childless and have babysat for friends.
This thread is a weird eye opener to how segregated people become between having/not having kids. I know I'm not the only childless person who's been edged out because I don't have kids yet. It's sad. Including for those who do it, and have missed out on good babysitters as a result!

I can count on one hand the number of times I left my kids with anyone when they were little. Like you, I just really didn't want to leave them with someone I didn't know. And since we'd moved across the country, I didn't know anyone very well. (I usually had a part-time job then, either working from home or one where I could take my kids with me).

Little ones tend to go to bed early, so husband and I had our "date nights" at home, a fancy home-cooked or takeout meal and a movie. We'd also socialize with other couples and their kids. Though going out alone as a couple would have been nice, we found tolerable ways around it for those early years.

Absolutely!

I’m struggling to work out when the OP thinks her child will be able to give consent. Either the grandparents aren’t going to have their grandchild stay until the child is a teenager - 16/18/21??? Or else, the OP thinks it’s when the child starts speaking, in which case they are in for one hell of a shock. Mine is nearly three, and the only thing she gives her consent to is chocolate, extended playtime and more Bluey on TV. I mean even suggesting going to the playground can sometimes be a struggle.

Your point is that you lack the desire / capacity to source childcare you trust outside a nursery setting. As we know from the headlines not all nurseries are safe.

We’ve 3 under 3. Sources of babysitters include - vetted and DBS checked student children’s nurses / midwives who come recommended by other qualified professionals. (Try local university Facebook pages). Teenager from Church for a short period of time but they’re vetted via the Church, have H&S training and are well known to us / kids.

Lots of options that are better trained in some cases than nursery nurses. Most of the time the kids are asleep and aren’t aware we are not in the house. We get to do things completely unconnected to house / kids.

That being said I’d never leave my children for long periods awake not in my or Dads care out of the home. So no nursery for me. But paid babysitters yes please.

Well I have looked after my grandchildren within days of their birth. Tomorrow I will have a 5 year old and a 5 week old …absolutely no consent from them but hopefully they will still be alive when parents pick up 🙏

I babysat from 15 and all my friends did too. All of us could change Terry nappies and warm up bottles.

We used nursery staff who DC knew well, usually their key staff member and in both cases they carried on sitting until DSs were about 6/7. We then used a friend’s daughter who became a nursery nurse. Very rarely did we use DGPs as they simply did not know them as well as nursery staff and basically couldn’t cope if they woke and started crying.