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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum won't accept I don't want someone seeing my child so now I've said my mum can't either.

186 replies

RachCmomma · 14/04/2025 16:19

For context I don't have a great relationship with my mum anyway.

I have fallen out with my brother and SIL and in retaliation they made a malicious social services report accusing me of physical abuse of my 1 year old. The police checked him over, spoke to childminder and his father ect and it was un founded.

It transpired that SIL had sent social services doctored photos of my child and a photo of him having a bruise on his eye- luckily I had a video of his injury happening as it was his first walk outside and he got too excited and fell....
Anyway understandably I have said I don't want the around my child since this happened.

My mum keeps manipulating me into letting my child see them- for example inviting them out on days when she has my son I've made it clear thst I do not want this to happen under Amy circumstances.
I've told her she needs to respect my decision and stop trying to guilt trip me into doing what she wants.

She has my son on a Tuesday and today she rang me to tell me she's planned a family day out tomorrow at a park...but SIL amd her child will be there...I've said no.. she's started shouting at me and we've had a row I've now said that as she clearly can't respect my boundaries and she isn't willing to tell them what they did was disgusting she won't be having my child on her own, as I don't trust her not to do it anyway.

Obviously now I feel awful and she's making me out to be the vilan
.. what do people think?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/04/2025 14:21

RachCmomma · 16/04/2025 14:08

Thanks everyone..
I've decided to go low contact she will not see my child unsupervised. I will try and keep out of her way. She will not text/ message or phone me.

I've already had people phoning me trying to I've me the "but she's your mum" bullshit..m and I've said then she should know not to be abusive to me... no one says she's your daughter, please stop saying vile things to her....

Yep, the flying monkeys are out in force. Handle them as you are; coolly, calmly, and truthfully. Some will stop after a couple of calls, others will be 'more persistant'. Don't be afraid to be stern, or even angry, with those who will not leave you be. And don't be afraid to put them on the LC/NC list.

This is your and DD's lives. You get to call ALL the shots!

RachCmomma · 16/04/2025 14:23

AcrossthePond55 · 16/04/2025 14:21

Yep, the flying monkeys are out in force. Handle them as you are; coolly, calmly, and truthfully. Some will stop after a couple of calls, others will be 'more persistant'. Don't be afraid to be stern, or even angry, with those who will not leave you be. And don't be afraid to put them on the LC/NC list.

This is your and DD's lives. You get to call ALL the shots!

Thank you xxx

OP posts:
PotatoLove · 16/04/2025 18:57

Don't listen to any Flying Monkeys trying to guilt trip you. Stick to your guns OP.

RachCmomma · 16/04/2025 22:05

PotatoLove · 16/04/2025 18:57

Don't listen to any Flying Monkeys trying to guilt trip you. Stick to your guns OP.

My aunties are coming to see me on Friday. I'm quite nervous... I get on really well with them but I know they'll stick up for her. I'm going to write a few things down and just stick to the facts. Basically I'm not doing it anymore and no one can make me.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/04/2025 23:17

RachCmomma · 16/04/2025 22:05

My aunties are coming to see me on Friday. I'm quite nervous... I get on really well with them but I know they'll stick up for her. I'm going to write a few things down and just stick to the facts. Basically I'm not doing it anymore and no one can make me.

Don't be afraid to ask someone to be with you when they visit, if that's possible. There's safety in numbers and it may make the aunties hold their tongues.

RachCmomma · 16/04/2025 23:20

AcrossthePond55 · 16/04/2025 23:17

Don't be afraid to ask someone to be with you when they visit, if that's possible. There's safety in numbers and it may make the aunties hold their tongues.

Thanks
My sister lives round the corner and said she will come over if I need her and just to text- she'll be on stand by xx

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 17/04/2025 14:13

RachCmomma · 16/04/2025 14:08

Thanks everyone..
I've decided to go low contact she will not see my child unsupervised. I will try and keep out of her way. She will not text/ message or phone me.

I've already had people phoning me trying to I've me the "but she's your mum" bullshit..m and I've said then she should know not to be abusive to me... no one says she's your daughter, please stop saying vile things to her....

Do these people messaging you know the whole story? If so, I don't understand how they don't see it from your perspective.

RachCmomma · 17/04/2025 14:34

SandyY2K · 17/04/2025 14:13

Do these people messaging you know the whole story? If so, I don't understand how they don't see it from your perspective.

Edited

I've told them. I'm gonna let my aunties read the interaction between us this week and if they can't see how toxic it is then I won't be seeing them either. X

OP posts:
LushLemonTart · 17/04/2025 18:08

@RachCmomma good for you.

Holldstock1 · 18/04/2025 14:52

OP I'm so sorry to hear you've had to go through this. We had something similiar happen from SiL after a stroppy comment from me at a family get together. It wasnt photos but complaints about our house, saying I was suicidal & we were not looking after our dc correctly -neglect & not feeding them. SS turned up when I was about to take my dc to swimming lesson. They made an appointment to come back & I had a friend who knew me well & hubby there when they came. SS looked at our house, our fridge. Spoke to us & the children (together & separstely) & they said it was obviously an unfounded malicious complaint & they would not be taking it any further. I had no idea who had made the complaint (SS keep that confidential), just that from things SS said it was someone who had been in our house.

I was absolutely devestated and so was my husband. I had friends and kids from my sons' primary school & preschool over our house all the time. I was completely paranoid & upset that someone locally I knew was saying all these things. Then I got the written report from SS about what the complainant said & what SS said about their visits & the conclusion it was a malicious complaint. I knew from what they said the complainant said that it had to be from a specific day when the family were at ours. The only people were me, DH, our kids, my DM & DH's DPs (who would not have done that) & SiL & BiL & their DCs. I was bringing my DCs up to write or draw Thank Yous when they were given gifts. My BiL said not to bother, I said our DC were being brought up to say Thank You. That was it. But there was an awkward annoyed pause before things went back on track. Anyway I could tell from the SS report it had to have been SiL (& I then thought BiL).

DH & I talked about it. He wanted to have it out with them but I said no. Mainly because his Sister was his DPs def favourite child & they did everything they could for her & her dcs so I thought it bringing his DPs into it would mean they would side with her & damage his relationship with his parents.

I blanked SiL. They didnt see our kids & his DPs saw them when SiL would not be there. His DPs werent that bothered as our DCs were the wrong grandchildren. They never had our DC over without us or babysat before or after the incident - well maybe babysat 2-3 times as our DCs grew up. My PiL were always quite transactional - visits on their terms when my DH could do something for them. They had a history of being uninterested or unwilling to help with our kids even there were emergencies like my son being so ill with chickenpox I needed to take him to hospital to be diagnosed, or when I was hospitalised with suspected menengitis when DH abroad with work. Hence I felt DH would be the loser in any argument between him & his sister. Which 6/7 years later I was proved right about when his sister was getting a divorce & admitted what she had done. She never ever said sorry.

Decades later I still get upset about it. Angry & upset. OP its really horrible to have that happen. I know how painful it is. I think you are right to block your sister from having anything to do with your DCs. As a parent you have to protect your children which is exactly what I did. If your mum wont accept that then you have to decide if you will only allow her contact with you there. Tnh thats what I would do, & if thats not acceptable to her Id block her.

I would point out to her that not only are you very upset, and that your sister put your DC at risk at being taken away, but that she has put you and DC on notice and flagged up. I say this because SS went & talked to my DCs primary school. I went & spoke go the Head & class teachers sobbing because I felt they needed to know. They already knew. DS services had talked to them. That stayed with their records throughout school. Even at Secondary when my youngest went in with a singed eyebrow from a Scouts outdoor cooking session the school wanted me to explain why & how it had happened.

It doesnt flag up on any DBS checks even Enhanced. Ive had multiple DBD checks over the years because of working with children, teenagers, vulnerable & mentally ill adults & nothing. After all you & I have done nothing wrong.

However with one application the organisation asked separately if I had ever had SS contact me re this. I made mistake of answering truthfully explaining circumstances & was grilled to supply evidence, SS report & details & had an indepth Zoom interview which I have to say brought everything back up again & was really upsetting. I know the organisation were only being really carefull & I still got the position, but the process was just really deveststing all over again.

So be aware to keep your SS report exconerating you in a safe place. At some point it may come up.

So no your sister & your mum if she supports her deserve NC. Your sister has done lasting damage to you & your DC with this.

RachCmomma · 18/04/2025 18:35

Holldstock1 · 18/04/2025 14:52

OP I'm so sorry to hear you've had to go through this. We had something similiar happen from SiL after a stroppy comment from me at a family get together. It wasnt photos but complaints about our house, saying I was suicidal & we were not looking after our dc correctly -neglect & not feeding them. SS turned up when I was about to take my dc to swimming lesson. They made an appointment to come back & I had a friend who knew me well & hubby there when they came. SS looked at our house, our fridge. Spoke to us & the children (together & separstely) & they said it was obviously an unfounded malicious complaint & they would not be taking it any further. I had no idea who had made the complaint (SS keep that confidential), just that from things SS said it was someone who had been in our house.

I was absolutely devestated and so was my husband. I had friends and kids from my sons' primary school & preschool over our house all the time. I was completely paranoid & upset that someone locally I knew was saying all these things. Then I got the written report from SS about what the complainant said & what SS said about their visits & the conclusion it was a malicious complaint. I knew from what they said the complainant said that it had to be from a specific day when the family were at ours. The only people were me, DH, our kids, my DM & DH's DPs (who would not have done that) & SiL & BiL & their DCs. I was bringing my DCs up to write or draw Thank Yous when they were given gifts. My BiL said not to bother, I said our DC were being brought up to say Thank You. That was it. But there was an awkward annoyed pause before things went back on track. Anyway I could tell from the SS report it had to have been SiL (& I then thought BiL).

DH & I talked about it. He wanted to have it out with them but I said no. Mainly because his Sister was his DPs def favourite child & they did everything they could for her & her dcs so I thought it bringing his DPs into it would mean they would side with her & damage his relationship with his parents.

I blanked SiL. They didnt see our kids & his DPs saw them when SiL would not be there. His DPs werent that bothered as our DCs were the wrong grandchildren. They never had our DC over without us or babysat before or after the incident - well maybe babysat 2-3 times as our DCs grew up. My PiL were always quite transactional - visits on their terms when my DH could do something for them. They had a history of being uninterested or unwilling to help with our kids even there were emergencies like my son being so ill with chickenpox I needed to take him to hospital to be diagnosed, or when I was hospitalised with suspected menengitis when DH abroad with work. Hence I felt DH would be the loser in any argument between him & his sister. Which 6/7 years later I was proved right about when his sister was getting a divorce & admitted what she had done. She never ever said sorry.

Decades later I still get upset about it. Angry & upset. OP its really horrible to have that happen. I know how painful it is. I think you are right to block your sister from having anything to do with your DCs. As a parent you have to protect your children which is exactly what I did. If your mum wont accept that then you have to decide if you will only allow her contact with you there. Tnh thats what I would do, & if thats not acceptable to her Id block her.

I would point out to her that not only are you very upset, and that your sister put your DC at risk at being taken away, but that she has put you and DC on notice and flagged up. I say this because SS went & talked to my DCs primary school. I went & spoke go the Head & class teachers sobbing because I felt they needed to know. They already knew. DS services had talked to them. That stayed with their records throughout school. Even at Secondary when my youngest went in with a singed eyebrow from a Scouts outdoor cooking session the school wanted me to explain why & how it had happened.

It doesnt flag up on any DBS checks even Enhanced. Ive had multiple DBD checks over the years because of working with children, teenagers, vulnerable & mentally ill adults & nothing. After all you & I have done nothing wrong.

However with one application the organisation asked separately if I had ever had SS contact me re this. I made mistake of answering truthfully explaining circumstances & was grilled to supply evidence, SS report & details & had an indepth Zoom interview which I have to say brought everything back up again & was really upsetting. I know the organisation were only being really carefull & I still got the position, but the process was just really deveststing all over again.

So be aware to keep your SS report exconerating you in a safe place. At some point it may come up.

So no your sister & your mum if she supports her deserve NC. Your sister has done lasting damage to you & your DC with this.

Thank you so much for this. Yeah I had to tell work because I work with kids and had to have a safe guarding meeting. Thankfully my manager was aware of the situation with my brother and sil so she wasn't surprised they had done it and I kept my job, but it could have been so different.

OP posts:
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