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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum won't accept I don't want someone seeing my child so now I've said my mum can't either.

186 replies

RachCmomma · 14/04/2025 16:19

For context I don't have a great relationship with my mum anyway.

I have fallen out with my brother and SIL and in retaliation they made a malicious social services report accusing me of physical abuse of my 1 year old. The police checked him over, spoke to childminder and his father ect and it was un founded.

It transpired that SIL had sent social services doctored photos of my child and a photo of him having a bruise on his eye- luckily I had a video of his injury happening as it was his first walk outside and he got too excited and fell....
Anyway understandably I have said I don't want the around my child since this happened.

My mum keeps manipulating me into letting my child see them- for example inviting them out on days when she has my son I've made it clear thst I do not want this to happen under Amy circumstances.
I've told her she needs to respect my decision and stop trying to guilt trip me into doing what she wants.

She has my son on a Tuesday and today she rang me to tell me she's planned a family day out tomorrow at a park...but SIL amd her child will be there...I've said no.. she's started shouting at me and we've had a row I've now said that as she clearly can't respect my boundaries and she isn't willing to tell them what they did was disgusting she won't be having my child on her own, as I don't trust her not to do it anyway.

Obviously now I feel awful and she's making me out to be the vilan
.. what do people think?

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 15/04/2025 18:22

Moii · 15/04/2025 17:56

I'd need to hear the other side of the story

Would you? Then why are you on Mumsnet where we only ever get one side of the story?

PotatoLove · 15/04/2025 18:30

Reading your updates OP and I'm so sorry, you are absolutely doing the right thing in going NC with your Mum. Narcissists are evil creatures who will try and lie, threaten and manipulate you, and yes, they will employ "Flying Monkeys" to harass and do their dirty work. Given your SIL'S disgusting behaviour you are well shot of them. Protect your little boy ❤

TwinklySquid · 15/04/2025 18:32

It’s one thing reporting to SS with a genuine concern but to doctor photos is next level crazy! I’d be worried about the stability of someone like that around my child.

I fell out with a family member who then threatened to make up lies to try and help my ex get full custody. Another family member defended them. I haven’t spoken to either in five years. Never will.

You are in the right.

Pinkproseccolady · 15/04/2025 18:58

If you feel brave enough and mentally strong enough I wouldn't engage a solicitor! Can be so costly and often don't turn up with the right papers. You usually have to have a barrister for child related cases and they are horrendously expensive! Let your Mum spend her money on a solicitor but you can go to support groups (Victim support, DV etc) who are well versed in child related court cases and give excellent advice. Get an anti-harassment order in place. The police have to act on that but you need to engage in their process. Also the post about Malicious Communications is spot on. The letter they will receive will put the fear of God in them. In all your dealings with the court make sure everything is centred on your child and what is good for them. They don't listen to anything that is about what the adults want - they will see he's being cared for well and you are concerned about keeping him safe and happy. Good luck.

ZestyJoey · 15/04/2025 19:04

She's trying to guilt trip you?!
After she tried to libel you as an abusive parent?!

Jesus Christ you don't owe her anything besides a smack!

choccytime · 15/04/2025 19:30

This is dreadful. I would go NC with all of them ,they sound dangerous . What if SS had believed them and you had your child taken from you

Therewasacat · 15/04/2025 19:37

I think I'd get a restraining order in all honesty.

BlueFlowers5 · 15/04/2025 19:39

You are totally right.

Carpedimum · 15/04/2025 20:09

Over my dead body would I let them anywhere near my child & actually I’d write my Will to stop them after I’m gone. Absolutely despicable behaviour, totally unacceptable and unforgivable. Look after yourself @RachCmomma

laraitopbanana · 15/04/2025 20:09

Stick to it. Block and ignore.

I’d be tempted to see if there is a way to place a complaint on SIL. Let’s see if she likes it the other way around…

bettydavieseyes · 15/04/2025 20:28

RachCmomma · 14/04/2025 23:52

Yea I hear you. U feel awful because now I've had to block my mum as she won't stop messaging calling me a bitch and how could I do this to her etc.... my kid will notice his nan isn't around... for a little while at least... and it just feels crap that I'm in this situation because my family members can't act like normal decent people. And also when you've been raised in this environment you're kinda hard wired to feel guilty all the time.

Show quote history

Please go no contact with your mum OP. You will always have problems with her. She doesn't respect you at all. I went NC with my mum a year ago and now I don't have these crazy dramas and power struggles. When your own mother calls you a bitch, really why do you feel guilty about anything? Your toddler son will soon forget them all. Hugs xxx

asrl78 · 15/04/2025 20:36

I'm with everyone else here, my narcissist alarm is going off. Kick them out of your life otherwise they will emotionally destroy you. Trying to reason with people like that is like trying to reason with the Terminator.

Mayana1 · 15/04/2025 21:01

RachCmomma · 14/04/2025 16:19

For context I don't have a great relationship with my mum anyway.

I have fallen out with my brother and SIL and in retaliation they made a malicious social services report accusing me of physical abuse of my 1 year old. The police checked him over, spoke to childminder and his father ect and it was un founded.

It transpired that SIL had sent social services doctored photos of my child and a photo of him having a bruise on his eye- luckily I had a video of his injury happening as it was his first walk outside and he got too excited and fell....
Anyway understandably I have said I don't want the around my child since this happened.

My mum keeps manipulating me into letting my child see them- for example inviting them out on days when she has my son I've made it clear thst I do not want this to happen under Amy circumstances.
I've told her she needs to respect my decision and stop trying to guilt trip me into doing what she wants.

She has my son on a Tuesday and today she rang me to tell me she's planned a family day out tomorrow at a park...but SIL amd her child will be there...I've said no.. she's started shouting at me and we've had a row I've now said that as she clearly can't respect my boundaries and she isn't willing to tell them what they did was disgusting she won't be having my child on her own, as I don't trust her not to do it anyway.

Obviously now I feel awful and she's making me out to be the vilan
.. what do people think?

I would be furious. Something is severely wrong with them and your mother is in denial. I just can not believe that a brother would do this to his sister (ok, of course if it was real, then it had to be reported for the child well being, but not maliciously!!!!) I do get it, that it must be difficult decision for you, but I think you did it right. Unless you really need your mom to help you with childminding on that day, I would stay away. It is your child and your boundaries.

carly2803 · 15/04/2025 21:05

RachCmomma · 14/04/2025 21:43

It's not so much that I'm using her for childcare, like I said I've stopped working so I can be with my son full time. But she still wants to see him. I've said no unsupervised contact from today. It's hard because she has made me feel like it's me with the problem my entire life. My family (her sisters) will probably stick up for her too and be mad at me but it is what it is. The response has been overwhelming and I'm grateful to have been heard and validated. Xxx

Show quote history

i hear you
so if she wants to see your child, you do supervised on a day out - make it clear its just you two and your child

and if they turn up, leave
be firm, or you will be forever a push over

Crudd99 · 15/04/2025 21:07

Tell them all to FO and go no contact. If they can do that with the SS and risk you losing your child you are best having no contact. If you mother can't see why she's in the wrong she deserves not to be allowed contact. If their are any more malicious reports put a formal complaint in to SS and the police. They've lost the right to be treated as family.

FarmGirl78 · 15/04/2025 21:49

I know quite a bit about the court process for child access arrangements.

Your Mother does not have a right to make an application for access. She has to first formally apply for permission to make an application. It might be refused so not even get to the application stage. If she IS granted permission to apply to the court for access then Cafcass would definitely be involved to get safeguarding checks done. They would check whether any party were known to the Police or Social Services, and they'd also ask you if you had any concerns about your Child's welfare. This would be before any court hearing.

I know you've said that the Police aren't bothered, but I'd really keep pushing that.. Another poster has given you great advice on why and how what they've done qualifies as a crime. Write down what they've done in clear points and go back to the Station and ask to speak to someone again. Email in if you have to buy logging a crime report online. If you do that they HAVE to respond and there's a paper trail. You'll be known to Social Services because of the malicious report (it might not flag up but in theory you WANT it to, because that's great ammo in your corner). And you'll have crime reference number to show that your Mother is aiding criminals.

At the very worst and your Mum asked for permission to submit an application, which was granted, and then the application was approved that she can spend time with your Daughter I've no doubt that the court order would very very strict in saying that she is not allowed to let your Daughter spend time with your Brother. It can be very specific in what's allowed. It could say that all her contact must be supervised by another trusted adult, or must be at a contact centre supervised by a professional, or where your Brother wouldn't be allowed to access the building if he wasn't named on the Court order.

If she ever went against the court order and arranged an event where loe and behold your Brother just happened to be present then she'd be in contempt of court and could risk a fine, Community service or even a prison sentence.

She's calling your bluff. Even if she does try it she's in for a shock as to what the court process is like and what she's actually get as a result.

Please don't worry.

She's an idiot. A bully, but still an idiot.

Original poster
RachCmomma · 16/04/2025 00:07

FarmGirl78 · 15/04/2025 21:49

I know quite a bit about the court process for child access arrangements.

Your Mother does not have a right to make an application for access. She has to first formally apply for permission to make an application. It might be refused so not even get to the application stage. If she IS granted permission to apply to the court for access then Cafcass would definitely be involved to get safeguarding checks done. They would check whether any party were known to the Police or Social Services, and they'd also ask you if you had any concerns about your Child's welfare. This would be before any court hearing.

I know you've said that the Police aren't bothered, but I'd really keep pushing that.. Another poster has given you great advice on why and how what they've done qualifies as a crime. Write down what they've done in clear points and go back to the Station and ask to speak to someone again. Email in if you have to buy logging a crime report online. If you do that they HAVE to respond and there's a paper trail. You'll be known to Social Services because of the malicious report (it might not flag up but in theory you WANT it to, because that's great ammo in your corner). And you'll have crime reference number to show that your Mother is aiding criminals.

At the very worst and your Mum asked for permission to submit an application, which was granted, and then the application was approved that she can spend time with your Daughter I've no doubt that the court order would very very strict in saying that she is not allowed to let your Daughter spend time with your Brother. It can be very specific in what's allowed. It could say that all her contact must be supervised by another trusted adult, or must be at a contact centre supervised by a professional, or where your Brother wouldn't be allowed to access the building if he wasn't named on the Court order.

If she ever went against the court order and arranged an event where loe and behold your Brother just happened to be present then she'd be in contempt of court and could risk a fine, Community service or even a prison sentence.

She's calling your bluff. Even if she does try it she's in for a shock as to what the court process is like and what she's actually get as a result.

Please don't worry.

She's an idiot. A bully, but still an idiot.

Edited

Thank you so much xxx

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 16/04/2025 06:30

My mom was in DDs life for 9 years regularly and her solicitor told her she didn't have a good case for gaining court ordered contact they told her to try to be nice to me instead as calling me names and making threats wasn't working

FarmGirl78 · 16/04/2025 06:51

To add....most cases for Grandparents being granted access would be situations like...
Child is in foster care due to both parents being on drugs, Grandparents never knew child and would like to get to know them whilst in foster care this is in the child's best interest to have the support of at least some family in their life. Grandparents are not known to police or social services, and do lots of volunteer work in community so would be positive role models in childs life.

Or Child's Father has passed away and Mother is refusing access, Grandparents would like access to maintain a relationship with their Child as it's in the Child's best interest to have support of their paternal family and get to know what their Father was like to help them have a sense of who they are. School have stated to Cafcass that prior to Fathers passing the Grandparents regularly picked the child up from school and child states they have been missing them.

I hope this gives you an idea of what circumstances the Court would usually deal with. "My Daughter allows me to see my Grandchild but not without her being there because I've gone against her wishes and allowed Grandchild to spend time with someone with documented malicious intent proved to be a danger to her future" ain't going to cut it.

FigTreeInEurope · 16/04/2025 07:51

Do your future a favour and never see any of them again.

Willyoujust · 16/04/2025 09:34

I would go no contact with all of them. Family shouldn’t treat you like that.

Lovehascomeandgone · 16/04/2025 11:01

It all sounds very toxic. I think you need to think about moving after away from them all and cutting ties. It’s hard because we are conditioned otherwise but some parents are just toxic and your mum is facilitating your brother. If she isn’t standing up for you then she is playing into it. How can she think what he did was right.

WhatNoRaisins · 16/04/2025 11:03

I get the concept of two sides to a story but I don't think there is any reasonable explanation for sending an edited photo to social services. Agree with PP, I'd consider whether you're better off without them.

pollymere · 16/04/2025 13:51

Your Mum has facilitated them and not advocated for you when you were accused.

I wouldn't want to see any of them tbh.

Original poster
RachCmomma · 16/04/2025 14:08

Thanks everyone..
I've decided to go low contact she will not see my child unsupervised. I will try and keep out of her way. She will not text/ message or phone me.

I've already had people phoning me trying to I've me the "but she's your mum" bullshit..m and I've said then she should know not to be abusive to me... no one says she's your daughter, please stop saying vile things to her....

OP posts: