To not go chasing after my mum all the time!

[MotherIssues2025]

I have name changed for this as my problem is quite embarrassing really.

I’m mid 40’s and my relationship with my mother has always been quite superficial. She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body growing up and me and my sister never got shown any love or affection. We were pretty terrified of her really and it felt like we were always walking on eggshells.

About 6 months ago she was really quite cruel and petty towards me about something, and looking back on it her behaviour towards me was quite nasty acrually. She was in the wrong but she ignored me for days and days, and just generally made me feel really shit. Her silent treatment was her method of exerting her power over the situation and her power over me. Ultimately I went chasing after her and she had the satisfaction of knowing she had ‘won’.

Last week a similar situation arose, she was unnecessarily rude and cruel to me (ending up with her hanging the phone up on me) and we’ve had no contact since. We normally speak every other day but since her last ‘strop’ it’s now been 5 days.

I feel so infuriated by it and I know it sounds pathetic but AIBU for saying No More! and not go running after her??!

She has previously made a comment to me about how parents can speak to their adult children however they want and the ‘child’ (even though they are now adults) have no right to stand up to the parent.

She obviously thinks the strict parent-child dynamic I grew up in should remain until the day either of us die. I.e she believes she can speak to me and treat me however she likes and as she’s my mother I just have to take it.

Having lived within this strange parent-child dynamic for over 40 years is making me feel like I should go running after her, even though I have done nothing wrong, but at the same time I just feel so, so angry that she thinks she can keep behaving like this.

It’s just so immature of her. I guarantee that even if I do go chasing her she will make me out to be the bad guy…..then she’ll act as though nothing has happened….and then give it a few months and the same thing will happen again.

I’m in my 40’s FFS - how can my mother still have this hold over me, this level of control over me. Like I said, it’s pretty pathetic.

Thanks to anyone who made it to the end. I just needed to get it off my chest. I’m just so fed up of her manipulation and pettiness.

Awful op. I have same Im 50s. Just tighten your boundaries. I told her last year am grown adult I dont need approval.. what age is she? She has this thing trying control us but I tell her very little now. A neighbours kid is abroad. She said they have a duty to their mam. Lol.

It doesnt improve I just try and cope. Very hard work

She’s 69.

She puts all these expectations on me and if I don’t do what she wants I get this cruel and silent treatment response.

My sister however, who doesn’t really make much effort with my mum never has to deal with anything like this. Mind you, that’s probably because she put boundaries in a long time ago about how much contact she’d have with our mother. My sister was affected a lot more by our childhood than I was.

You are an adult now and get to decide how you wish to respond to this. We often forget this with parental figures and end up reverting back to our childlike reactions to their behaviour. The ball is in your court and you do not need to apologise or feel guilty for not putting up with this behaviour anymore.

I’d go no contact for far less. Parents can indeed speak to their adult children however they like, and adult children can never speak to their parents again.

She’s spent 40 years grooming you to believe this is acceptable behaviour so it’s totally understandable you accept it.

As an outsider I’m telling you it’s not. It’s not ok, it’s not normal and you don’t have to put up with it. I have a lovely dynamic with my mother but what it teaches you is that loving relationships are just that, and if she or any adult treated me like this, we wouldn’t be speaking anymore.

Yes its not nice. The moods and silent treatment nasty. 80s. I visit saturdays but sure they never happy anyway. Boundaries the only answer

Do you need her for anything? What does she bring to your life? If she emigrated to Peru tomorrow, what would your life lose? Or, does the very idea of her removing herself give you a fleeting warm feeling inside?

She's an abuser. Mine is too. It took a long time for me to able to say that. I'm taking steps to remove any control she has from my life. It's through my children currently, but that's got a time limit. At 43 I got my first mother's day that wasn't running after her (and her mother!) and actually considering I have children of my own.

Just step away. Bit by bit. And yes, you'll get the silent treatment. Explore what difference that actually makes you your life. Or is it actually a relief?

Drop the rope. Do not put up with her drama. What does she bring to your life besides misery and sulking?

Agree with others. I wouldn't be rushing to get back in contact.

My mother - she took it too far one last time, and I never spoke to her again.

Let your mum come to you this time. You've noticed the pattern, now break it!

Ask yourself, what do you get out of the relationship? Who does it benefit more, you or your mum?

Then let her come back to you. She'll learn. Or she won't, but you have.

You have my full sympathy, OP. YANBU.
I could have written your post. As PP note, boundaries are essential. Difficult to do though. My DH has really helped me with this, I’m not sure I’d have been able without his support and sense checking. Do you have someone to help you through the hard days?

Well I wouldn’t say she ‘brings’ anything to my life as such…..it’s just that she’s my mum. I also have two young children (3 and 5) and she’s a great nan to them.

She lives alone so doesn’t really have much help apart from me. She lives about 30 minutes away so I drive over a few times a week just to catch up with her and check she’s alright and just take her out for the day or take her to get her shopping if she wants to etc. She doesn’t drive so I don’t really see her unless I go over to her which I’ve never had a problem with.

I guess I’m really the only person she has close contact with as she is very low contact with her own parents and she has no contact at all with her older brother. They haven’t spoken for about 6 years now but I’ve never had a clear reason from my mum as to why.

I also could have written your post. You have my full sympathy and you are not being unreasonable. I know the anxiety a narcissistic parent can cause as I have also lived with the control/silent treatment my whole life. I am gradually finding it easier to put boundaries in place the older I get but I am still affected by the behaviour and it has a constant hold over my life.

Thanks everyone for all your support. I’m genuinely shocked (and saddened) to see there are others out there having to live with the same issue. It’s helping me to understand that maybe I’m not the problem even if she does make me feel like I’m the one in the wrong.

So from reading your update - your DM needs you more than you need her? She doesn't drive so needs you to do her shopping. How about not contacting her - you certainly don't 'need' her for anything practical. Wait for her to make the first contact. Change the balance of power because you hold all the cards.

My advice would be to let her stew in her own juice for a while.

My DM is a bit like this and fairly recently I wised up.

I used to try and go round once or twice a week (I live fairly close) and phone most days. I felt guilt tripped into doing this. I liked to see her and check in on her after my dad died and like you I didn’t mind.

But I finally realised if she got a better offer by another golden member of the family I was not required and dropped like a hot potato. She would try and play us off against each other (by comparing who had visited and commenting about how long they had visited for and what they had done for her etc). If she wanted to punish me she wouldn’t answer the phone or would wait ages before replying to a text asking how she was etc. Meanwhile I was worrying.

When my DC were little she would go no contact with me (probably to teach me a lesson for three or four weeks before I caved in etc).

I gradually cut back on visiting fairly recently I now go only when it is convenient once every two or three weeks. She never ever phones or texts me so I now don’t bother either. She can get lifts or taxis to visit another family member who lives almost the same distance away as me and she does but never visits us. It got to the point where I would offer to take her out for coffee, for her covid jab, to the hairdressers, to the shops to the doctors and she would agree then say its ok so so is going to take me so that’ll save you. It was almost like she was doing me a favour by her agreeing to let me take her out for a coffee or to an appointment etc.

Like you I was made to feel guilty I am older than you fifties and my DM is older than yours 80’s.

I couldn’t go full no contact my conscience wouldn’t let me but she has others falling about themselves to keep her sweet. I don’t need the agro or approval.

Life is much more pleasant now I tell her very little or only what I want to (that way I avoid the snide comments and I don’t feel guilty because I am doing something nice or something she wouldn’t approve of instead of visiting her at every opportunity when she shows little or no appreciation etc).

You are in the abuse cycle op.
Order the book ‘ You are not the problem’ and read it cover to cover. It will give you so many lightbulb moments.

In the meantime learn about how this works, how it will likely affect you:

https://www.verywellhealth.com/cycle-of-abuse-5210940

Your mother does not deserve the devotion and attention you show her, you are doing everything to please and placate her - what is she doing for you? Nothing at all of value.

She certainly is not a great Nan if she is treating the children’s mother so poorly and creating such awful tension and upset. It WILL start to affect your children. And soon she will use them against you, trust me.

The only way you can protect yourself is to stop pleasing her and running around her, and start looking after your own needs. Start using your time to look after you.

She s 69 not 89 why are you running about after her so much

I think you’re right to shift your own behaviour and break the pattern that you guys have been stuck in. I think your DM will adapt accordingly like she did with your sister.

Because I don’t like to think of her being on her own all the time. She doesn’t really have any friends and so it’s just me that she has I guess.

she is very low contact with her own parents and she has no contact at all with her older brother

Given all this, I wonder if the problem's her, or is it you? 🤔

Leave contact for now. Let her realise she might have pushed it too far this time.

Yep, this.

Plus is it really, really really your problem that she's on her own all the time? No. It's up to her if she wants to sit by herself in front of the TV amd boredly scanning her mobile, rather than get out and try to meet people. She's not even 70 yet, not elderly at all.

Mine is 80s its hard. My friends mam same but my friend lets her dictate. I realised last year I was on burn out. I do what I can now no more. They selfish as they age

I'd let things slide for now - don't contact your DM. Just wait until she needs you for something and if she comments that she has not heard from you then you can begin to put boundaries in place by letting her know that whatever she said or did was unkind/unreasonable and you won't be treated in that way.
If she behaves like this when talking to you on the phone then you can butt in and say Mum!! I'm hanging up now - you can call me back when you're in a better mood and cut her off.
If you are all she really has regarding family and friendships are scarce then she will be feeling very lonely and perhaps bitter. But that isn't fair on you and she needs to realise this.