To not go chasing after my mum all the time!

[MotherIssues2025]

I have name changed for this as my problem is quite embarrassing really.

I’m mid 40’s and my relationship with my mother has always been quite superficial. She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body growing up and me and my sister never got shown any love or affection. We were pretty terrified of her really and it felt like we were always walking on eggshells.

About 6 months ago she was really quite cruel and petty towards me about something, and looking back on it her behaviour towards me was quite nasty acrually. She was in the wrong but she ignored me for days and days, and just generally made me feel really shit. Her silent treatment was her method of exerting her power over the situation and her power over me. Ultimately I went chasing after her and she had the satisfaction of knowing she had ‘won’.

Last week a similar situation arose, she was unnecessarily rude and cruel to me (ending up with her hanging the phone up on me) and we’ve had no contact since. We normally speak every other day but since her last ‘strop’ it’s now been 5 days.

I feel so infuriated by it and I know it sounds pathetic but AIBU for saying No More! and not go running after her??!

She has previously made a comment to me about how parents can speak to their adult children however they want and the ‘child’ (even though they are now adults) have no right to stand up to the parent.

She obviously thinks the strict parent-child dynamic I grew up in should remain until the day either of us die. I.e she believes she can speak to me and treat me however she likes and as she’s my mother I just have to take it.

Having lived within this strange parent-child dynamic for over 40 years is making me feel like I should go running after her, even though I have done nothing wrong, but at the same time I just feel so, so angry that she thinks she can keep behaving like this.

It’s just so immature of her. I guarantee that even if I do go chasing her she will make me out to be the bad guy…..then she’ll act as though nothing has happened….and then give it a few months and the same thing will happen again.

I’m in my 40’s FFS - how can my mother still have this hold over me, this level of control over me. Like I said, it’s pretty pathetic.

Thanks to anyone who made it to the end. I just needed to get it off my chest. I’m just so fed up of her manipulation and pettiness.

What are you looking for from this exchange op? To learn what her life was like? What are you hoping to achieve from this knowledge?

And if you are going there to find out all about do and her childhood, and where her abuse of you possibly came from, does that mean as an adult she couldn’t have made kinder choices with you and your sister? Even if she suffered a difficult childhood. As you said you were able to make better choices for your dc.

You are still thinking about dm and her perspective op.

Spending your bank holiday devoted to trying to understand why she is the way she is. It might be unfathomable, or there might be a string of reasons but it would be a good idea to start putting some of this is energy into yourself and your own trauma? Would you consider this?

I don’t even care why she is the way she is, whatever the reason is doesn’t change the fact that because of her I had a bad childhood consisting of various forms of abuse, and there are still controlling and manipulative behaviours that are still ongoing even though I’m an adult.

I feel like a large part of my life is a blank. I have various memories of bad stuff happening but apart from that there is nothing. From various comments I’ve had from family I know that things were much worse than I can recall and I hate the fact that what happened to me as a child, in my life, is being kept from me. I hate feeling like there is some dark secret about me, that everyone is keeping from me. I hate the feeling that my family know so much important stuff about me that I don’t even know about myself. This is my life and I deserve to know what happened to me.

You know when you hear of people conceived by donor sperm/egg and they say that they feel like something is missing? They don’t know one half of who they are? Or where they came from? As though a huge part of their life is just a blank and how it leaves them feeling incomplete? That’s how I feel.

I feel in constant limbo with my mother, and I don’t know how to react to her because I don’t know what kind of mum she really was. I don’t know how to feel about her. I don’t know if I should go NC because everything about our relationship is just a black hole. I am completely lost because for my whole life the truth has been kept hidden from me.

And I need to know how my relationship with my mother came to be like this. I deserve to have answers so I can move on from the questions that go round and round in my head daily. The constant uncertainly of my reality.

I may not hear what I want to hear tomorrow but at least it will give me something to work off. I can’t spend the rest of my life not knowing the background I came from and the reality of what kind of mother I had.

I don’t believe that keeping secrets helps anyone and as tough as the truth may be for me to hear, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be allowed to know. In order to look towards my future and see where that leads me with regards to my mum, I need to know what my past is.

I understand why you’ll asking.
Id be exactly the same.
But what ever you learn remember:
It may be the reason , but it NEVER an excuse.
Excusing the ‘Abuse’ just perpetuates it.

It sounds really really distressing. That the abuse has been hidden, that you fear far worse exists but you can’t reach it, and you are living a lie or at least living in the dark.

Op your distress is palpable and understandable. That a black hole exists, and you have never felt you knew the truth.

I hope tomorrow brings the answers you need, some comfort. That some of the gaps can be filled.

I am really sorry you have suffered so much as a child, and still to this day. You deserve to be loved, held and cared fior. You always did.

Is there anything you can do this evening to look after yourself a little more than usual? A warm bath? A hug with your dc? A good film? A chat with a friend?

Omg this.

Mine talks at me. If me or eldest ds are talking to her about something, she will start a conversation with one of the other children. Mid sentence she'll just turn and start her own elsewhere.

However if she's talking and has anything less than a captivated audience, she's professionally offended.

You have a clear eyed view of the acceptability of her behaviour which is great. And there is always a part where this is not clear cut - even monstrously terrible people can have some good qualities (like the anecdotes about Hitler being nice to dogs). And she may not have bad intention - if she does have a personality disorder it is more like she is operating with a piece of what is supposed to be there missing, so has to resort to unhelpful or unacceptable behaviour when she is in a situation where there is nothing there for her to draw from. Life can be very hard and sad for people with PD. BUT, and it is a big one, this does not make the behaviour ok, or mean you have to put up with it. It is ok if you cannot fix her problems or meet her needs.

It sounds like it is the emotion piece which is tripping you up a bit, which is understandable as you sound like a nice, kind person. Emotions are usually there to tell us that something important is going on that we should pay attention to. But some are the result of habits we are taught growing up. Guilt about not giving in to your mum would be an example of the latter. So naming that emotion, observing it with curiosity and then changing your focus to something else could be helpful (look up Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT). We cant help what we feel, and having mixed or unclear feelings can be distressing. But taking that attitude at that time and then waiting for the emotion to pass can help us feel less upset by them. I hope that helps. And that you have support for yourself after you speak to your uncle. And that if it is still all unclear, you are able to put this aside at some point, and focus on yourself for a change.

Edited to insert the word not I had missed out.

I hope tomorrow goes ok for you @MotherIssues2025

There aren’t any “do overs” in parenting and there aren’t really any excuses. Lots if people have difficult and traumatic childhoods but they work hard to overcome them ir, at least, not to victimize new innocents.

I think you are nervous that something that your uncle says will reveal her to have been “the victim” so if you don’t love her enough, or rescue her enough, you are failing her. You are “persecuting “ her.

This is not a court of law. You aren’t the judge or the prosecutor who must establish beyond a reasonable doubt that she was wholly right or wrong. She can have been sinned against by her parents and still be accountable first her own flagrantly abusive treatment of your sister and yourself.

Thinking of you today.

Hope you’re ok op.
Lots to process.

Hope today goes okay!

Thank you everyone.

He was here for 6 hours and unsurprisingly it got very emotional. We were both in tears more than once. We spoke about my mum’s childhood, which sounded horrific, her relationship/marriage with my dad, how she coped when she had me and my sister (a year apart) and how she treated us from when we were toddlers right through until we were teenagers. I knew what I would be told would upset me, but it was worse than I thought. So much generational abuse and trauma and dysfunction…. It was just so hard to listen to. I’m glad I know now though.

You are breaking the cycle so much to think about.

Thanks for the update. Sounds like a lot to
take.
While your mum’s childhood doesn’t excuse her behaviour now, it probably does explain it.
My mum had an awful childhood but decided to break the chain with her own children, as you are doing with yours. Her mother was incapable of love, sadly.
It might be a good time when you are able to
access some trauma therapy.
I hope in time what you experienced today helped.

She's not a great Nan to them when she treats their mother like this. How long is it before she treats them the same?

It is so sad that your mother was unable, for whatever reason, to step out of the cycle and do more to protect and shield you from the generational trauma.

I hope you can find some comfort in changing your own life now you know the truth, and protect your children from the poisonous legacy that you are now aware of.

I can tell you with some certainty that the feeling of relief and gratitude having protected and prioritised your own children will be like nothing else when they reach adulthood full of vitality, healthy and full of love.

You were only tiny and not old enough to change anything in your own childhood, but you can damn well make sure your dc will not suffer the same outcome, and nor will you in your adult life.

By keeping everyone toxic and dysfunctional away from them and you, by leading by example and showing them healthy, relaxed relationships that grow from mutual respect, trust, care and security. Unconditional love. The kind that you never had.

I am so sorry your day was so hard and so painful, and no one helped or stopped what happened to you as a child. A failing of every adult around you.

Take care of yourself now op. Try to focus on the love you have, and not what will never be. Refuse to play the games or play a role. You can be true to yourself at all times, and look after your own needs from now on op whatever you wish to do around contact with your mother 💐

That must have been very difficult for you. Well done for facing things head on. While your mum’s awful childhood does make her deserving of sympathy, it does not excuse her treatment of you.

I hope it went well with your uncle.
Happy Easter lovely xx

If it’s any help, we have generational trauma in my family, my parents generation was neglected and physically abused in poverty, that generation treated my siblings and me badly too, but really it was only 10% of what they had had. It was very diluted.

I haven’t gone NC, but i also appreciate that that 10% has left a mark on my parenting and I have reacted differently under stress to how I would like, but it’s only 10% of what my parent did (if that) and I have got much better as I have reflected on things.
I have to keep an emotional distance from my parents though. It’s all very superficial between us, dont get dragged into the trauma and chaos they live on again.

generational trauma really is a fucker.

@MotherIssues2025 im glad you were able to get answers but dont rush into anything from this point. It can be easy to feel sympathy for your mother for what she experienced but it doesn’t excuse her abuse of you. You are proof of that as it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job breaking the generational trauma with your children. You can continue to protect them further by not exposing them to your mother’s continued poor treatment of you. This will be more obvious to them as they get older.

You would likely benefit from seeking out trauma therapy to help you process all you have experienced and what has been shared with you by your uncle. EMDR is recommended for this type of therapy as it helps you process but also let go of the pain.

Thank you all. I’ve had a good cry about it to my husband tonight and he’s been so supportive. He said that our children couldn’t ask for a better mum so I’m never to worry that I’m going to mentally damage them in the way my mum has to me.

When I was telling my uncle about things I remember between the ages of 10-14 he got really upset and he said he had no idea things were that bad. He said that at one point when we were very young he had applied for some form of guardianship over me and my sister so we could live with him (and his wife) but it was denied. Apparently my mum cut off contact with lots of her family on purpose so that nobody could see what was going on. My uncle said that my dad had absolutely no idea how bad things were at home (after their separation of course) and that as me and my sister had been groomed into believing that our mum’s method of parenting was normal, it probably didn’t even occur to me and my sister to tell him. He obviously still doesn’t know now about the kind of home life we were exposed to as it’s not something I have ever spoken to anyone about until today.

Apparently my mum just couldn’t cope and when I was 2 years old (and my sister was 3) she walked out on us all, left my dad and moved in with another man. She stayed living with that other man for 3 years whilst me and my sister stayed with our dad. She saw us during that time period (not sure how often though) but we didn’t live with her. Apparently she broke my dad’s heart.

It’s just such a complicated mess. My uncle did suggest getting some trauma based therapy but I imagine it’s not cheap.

I’m going to research books to see if there any that talk about growing up with abusive parents etc to see if they can help me in some way.

OP there's a list of some of them on the stately homes thread.