To not go chasing after my mum all the time!

[MotherIssues2025]

I have name changed for this as my problem is quite embarrassing really.

I’m mid 40’s and my relationship with my mother has always been quite superficial. She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body growing up and me and my sister never got shown any love or affection. We were pretty terrified of her really and it felt like we were always walking on eggshells.

About 6 months ago she was really quite cruel and petty towards me about something, and looking back on it her behaviour towards me was quite nasty acrually. She was in the wrong but she ignored me for days and days, and just generally made me feel really shit. Her silent treatment was her method of exerting her power over the situation and her power over me. Ultimately I went chasing after her and she had the satisfaction of knowing she had ‘won’.

Last week a similar situation arose, she was unnecessarily rude and cruel to me (ending up with her hanging the phone up on me) and we’ve had no contact since. We normally speak every other day but since her last ‘strop’ it’s now been 5 days.

I feel so infuriated by it and I know it sounds pathetic but AIBU for saying No More! and not go running after her??!

She has previously made a comment to me about how parents can speak to their adult children however they want and the ‘child’ (even though they are now adults) have no right to stand up to the parent.

She obviously thinks the strict parent-child dynamic I grew up in should remain until the day either of us die. I.e she believes she can speak to me and treat me however she likes and as she’s my mother I just have to take it.

Having lived within this strange parent-child dynamic for over 40 years is making me feel like I should go running after her, even though I have done nothing wrong, but at the same time I just feel so, so angry that she thinks she can keep behaving like this.

It’s just so immature of her. I guarantee that even if I do go chasing her she will make me out to be the bad guy…..then she’ll act as though nothing has happened….and then give it a few months and the same thing will happen again.

I’m in my 40’s FFS - how can my mother still have this hold over me, this level of control over me. Like I said, it’s pretty pathetic.

Thanks to anyone who made it to the end. I just needed to get it off my chest. I’m just so fed up of her manipulation and pettiness.

My mother used to manipulate the hell out of me too. She was also a cold fish as a parent and played favourites with me and my siblings. She seemed to hate me from a very young age which made me chase her , trying to get the approval and validation I never got as a child. She wasn't outwardly abusive but was always badmouthing me to the rest of the family and her cronies which isolated me. She's a very adept manipulator.

I did eventually wise up and start setting boundaries. Of course that was unacceptable to her and she gave me an ultimatum, do as I was told ie continue chasing after her, or 'don't bother'. I chose 'don't bother', best thing I ever did.

Unfortunately I think with these self-centred egotistical individuals it's a losing 'battle'. You will never be seen as anything other than an extension of them. My advice would be to get out before you become elder care, which is a whole other guilt trip.

I am so far detached from my mother, I couldn't care less where she ends up now. Not how a child should feel about a parent but she barely put herself out for me when I was a dependent child, I owe her nothing.

You say she has no friends. There's your clue to where the problem lies.

It’s all just so draining.

ironically I was the ‘Golden Child’ growing up (which is why my sister has emotionally detached from our mum) yet in instances where she doesn’t get her own way, or if she thinks she deserves better from me, she just turns on me. It makes me feel like she doesn’t even like me. She knows exactly what she’s doing with this game-playing. I feel like I’m being punished when I haven’t even done anything. She just wants attention and sympathy. She’s a complete martyr too. She’s just a very complex woman.

She has told me she had a bad childhood (no details given), hence why her relationship with her own parents isn’t the best, but she can speak about them so maliciously at times. There’s just so much spite within her to the point I can’t believe she’d talk about her parents with such disdain. Sometime it comes across like she hates them.

We were due to drive over to her house tomorrow as she’s got a new pet that she wants to show my children, and they of course are really excited about it. I haven’t even told them yet we aren’t going…..but I don’t know if I should go for their sake? I think the atmosphere would just be terrible though.

Think of it like a (traumatised) teenager (child) testing how much you love them, because they’re afraid you’re going to leave (like every one else). They might push and push, tell you they hate you and slam their bedroom door. It’s not at all about you but everything to do with how scared of rejection they are. However your mum isn’t a child and you have no responsibility to help her with her emotional problems that she hasn’t tried to fix herself and has instead just inflicted on you as a child and an adult. You do not have to be her emotional punching bag

She doesn’t really have any friends and so it’s just me that she has I guess.
youve learned from childhood that her emotional well-being is your responsibility to manage, (because you seek her love or approval maybe, or you need to be a good, kind girl?) but it’s not.

I would keep your distance for a while. As you say you are a grown up with your own children so your mother should treat you as an equal. She does not have the right to say what she wants and you have the right to respond appropriately. If she has no friends and limited contact with your sister and other extended family it sounds like she is the problem.

OP, the situation with my mother is pretty much the same.

Just yesterday she swore at me and called me a fucking idiot in front my six year old because I was following the SAT Nav, and not her barking directions at me from the back seat of the car. (I was taking her for a hospital appointment)

She's younger than your mother, not even sixty yet, but due to years of alcohol abuse, she now has multiple physical health problems plus depression and agoraphobia. She is completely housebound (as in, she starts drinking as soon as she wakes up and lays in bed all day watching TV, doesn't eat, etc.) and relies on me for everything. I'm an only and we have no other family.

I don't have the strength to walk away, but I really hope you do.

I gave up seeking her love from when I was about 12.

And as for seeking her approval? It’s strange beciase she used to brag about me all the time, to anyone who would listen about how ‘perfect’ I was (her words). She used to parade me around and harp on about my qualities and my achievements but it was never done in a manner that suggested she was proud of me, it was almost like she wanted people to give her a round of applause and praise her for raising such a perfect human. As a previous poster said, it was like she viewed me as an extension of herself, and anything positive about me was her way of seeking approval from others, needing to be seen as the perfect parent, when she was anything but.

It sounds really odd and twisted….but everything about our relationship (when I was young) was like one big performance.

Behind closed doors she was pretty awful to me and my sister and all our family knew it.

The golden child role isn't fixed in a dysfunctional relationship. My brother was the golden child until I ducked out. Now he's gone NC with our mother because she offloaded all her neediness and demands on him. He's golden child no longer.

Ironically I would have ended up caring for her, while he walked off with the inheritance in the old set up.

You are the only person in contact with her because she has driven everyone else away. I can't believe that she said that parents can speak to their adult children as nastily as they want and they can't say anything back.

She sounds absolutely horrible. You had an awful childhood because of her. I think you need some therapy to understand that this relationship is not healthy and that you have every right to step back and stop accepting such awful treatment from her.

You say she is a good grandmother, but I doubt that is really true. Your children will witness her awful behaviour towards you.

I’m the Golden Child as long as I behave towards her in the way she wants me too.

Aside from the issues I’m having with her, she is very controlling in nature. She used to be a college lecturer and I kind of attributed it to that, but now I’m thinking there’s deeper issues behind it.

You're rewarding her bad behaviour. She has no friends because she is a horrible person.

No matter how badly she treats you, there are no negative consequences for her as you will still run round after her so she has no incentive to change.

Best thing i ever did was blow up at my Mum, something i'd always avoided because she can be very high drama & it's not worth the fall out. But she'd said, very spitefully, that she "got pleasure" from winding me up. I heard myself saying that if that was true then she wasn't right in the head, I was 53 and a parent, i wouldn't accept behaviour like that from my children and i was fucked if i was accepting it from her.
I expected her to go through the roof but it took the wind out of her sails beautifully and the spiteful snark has stopped.

Yep, approval is always conditional with these sort of parents. I had loads of therapy to unpick the relationship. Didn't see what was really going on, continued to react to mine until I realised how awful she was. Once seen, can't be unseen. There's no attachment at all between my DM and her children, even her golden child. Luckily my attachment to my own child is very strong, unbreakable.

Would you consider therapy? It's the best money I ever spent.

The dysfunctional dynamic of your relationship with your mother will only change if you change it. Don't go running after her, don't contact her, wait until she contacts you and tell her that her behaviour towards you was unacceptable and you expect an apology. Unless you stand up to her bullying, she will continue to walk all over you.

She hasn't been a kind and loving mother and you don't owe her your time or attention, especially if she is disrespectful and unkind. Would you allow anyone else in your life treat you this way?

I think you would probably benefit from counselling to address all the issues arising from you childhood and your relationship with your mother.

@MotherIssues2025 you should have gone no contact with her years ago!!!!

I’m just glad I have a very close attachment to my dad, so I have at least one ‘normal’ parent-child relationship.

I have never thought about counselling as this is all I’ve ever known. When other people talk about their lovely relationships with their mothers it is totally alien to me. The relationship I have with mine is ‘normal’ to me because it’s never been anything different. She is emotionally detached from anyone. She cannot cope with any form of tactile or verbal affection. She just completely shuts down.

Sounds like she's avoidant, probably her parents were the same. It's good that you're identifying her traits, putting a picture together. Some people should never be parents but children are programmed to want love and affection from their caregiver. Unfortunately some mother's aren't able to love because of their own trauma.

It doesn't excuse their behaviour however. Weirdly if you do detach from her you'll probably wonder why you ever chased her in the first place. I certainly do. You've been trained to keep drinking from an empty well.

Do you struggle to find mother's day cards for her? I used to look for the most bland, unexpressive cards because I couldn't bare to send cards telling her how wonderful she was and what a great mother😦

You have the power here but you’ve ceded it all to her.

Take it back. Call her bluff. Tell her next time she’s nasty to you, you’ll leave straightaway, and mean it.

YABU. You are expecting her to change and she isn't going to. You must take matters into your own hands. First you have one phone call a week. Keep it relatively short. Don't give her any information about your personal life if possible and just talk abort HER. Similarly keep visits short and less frequent. I was like this because I craved my DM to be the mother I wanted and needed her to be instead of accepting who she was. Don't waste your time trying to make her love you the way you want to be loved. Also get some self help books eg lindsay Gibson. If that doesn't help seek professional help. My DM died several years ago and I feel so less conflicted and rejected. Don't wait to make changes. Good luck.

OP read up on the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. I sense in your posts a sort of desperation to find something to cling to, a reason why she might be like this rather than she's just nasty, sorry for her having no friends so you have to be her friend.

You don't have to do any of that. She enjoys having power over you and she abuses it. Choose how much you want to be involved with her, not how much you think you should be.

And I'd be wary about calling her a good gran. She might be now but I very much suspect she'll change as they get older. She will expect them to behave how she wants, just as she does with you.

Out of the Fog: Moving From Confusion to Clarity After Narcissistic Abuse: Amazon.co.uk: Morningstar, Dana: 9780999593516: Books

I find really bland cards for her because I know she’d spontaneously combust if I gave her a card that had any kind of sweet, caring or sentimental nature to it. She can’t cope with emotions. Even when I get birthday cards from her she can’t write the word “love” in them.

She will just write “Mum” at the bottom of the card.

OP she doesn't have many friends because she is a cow..simple! I would caution you to be on guard as to how great a grandma she is. I am sure she would turn on your children without haste should she see fit. I am another one with such a mother. My dd was 10 years old when out of nowhere she told my mum to shut up and stop bullying me. You see it takes something like that to lift any fog. Your children like mine will notice and it will break their hearts to see how their lovely mum is being treated,be aware. You owe her nothing for all the mental abuse you have had to endure. Life would be so much happier without her I promise you.The egg shells you have to walk on,the geeing yourself up to see her wondering what you are going to walk into,the stress when the phone goes praying its not her again..gone. You reach freedom,its awesome. You endure peace of mind which is beyond words and you stop being judged. its wonderful.You live ...really live surrounded by people who love you unconditionally and suddenly life is good.

I guess I just can’t imagine abandoning her. She is difficult, judgemental and self-centred but she’s still my mum. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m not at work today so I will no doubt keep going over it in my mind and checking my phone, but I’m hoping that being back in work tomorrow will distract me.