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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go chasing after my mum all the time!

270 replies

MotherIssues2025 · 13/04/2025 20:26

I have name changed for this as my problem is quite embarrassing really.

I’m mid 40’s and my relationship with my mother has always been quite superficial. She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body growing up and me and my sister never got shown any love or affection. We were pretty terrified of her really and it felt like we were always walking on eggshells.

About 6 months ago she was really quite cruel and petty towards me about something, and looking back on it her behaviour towards me was quite nasty acrually. She was in the wrong but she ignored me for days and days, and just generally made me feel really shit. Her silent treatment was her method of exerting her power over the situation and her power over me. Ultimately I went chasing after her and she had the satisfaction of knowing she had ‘won’.

Last week a similar situation arose, she was unnecessarily rude and cruel to me (ending up with her hanging the phone up on me) and we’ve had no contact since. We normally speak every other day but since her last ‘strop’ it’s now been 5 days.

I feel so infuriated by it and I know it sounds pathetic but AIBU for saying No More! and not go running after her??!

She has previously made a comment to me about how parents can speak to their adult children however they want and the ‘child’ (even though they are now adults) have no right to stand up to the parent.

She obviously thinks the strict parent-child dynamic I grew up in should remain until the day either of us die. I.e she believes she can speak to me and treat me however she likes and as she’s my mother I just have to take it.

Having lived within this strange parent-child dynamic for over 40 years is making me feel like I should go running after her, even though I have done nothing wrong, but at the same time I just feel so, so angry that she thinks she can keep behaving like this.

It’s just so immature of her. I guarantee that even if I do go chasing her she will make me out to be the bad guy…..then she’ll act as though nothing has happened….and then give it a few months and the same thing will happen again.

I’m in my 40’s FFS - how can my mother still have this hold over me, this level of control over me. Like I said, it’s pretty pathetic.

Thanks to anyone who made it to the end. I just needed to get it off my chest. I’m just so fed up of her manipulation and pettiness.

OP posts:
Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 18:19

Mary46 · 14/04/2025 16:52

Mind yourself op. Mine is 83 still gets in strops. God its draining. Put yourself first

Mine is 79 and I’ve recently decided to pull away from her as she could potentially live for another 15+ years and If I continue to allow her to do what she is doing, she will have destroyed me by then

BunnyRuddington · 14/04/2025 18:20

Mary46 · 14/04/2025 16:52

Mind yourself op. Mine is 83 still gets in strops. God its draining. Put yourself first

Mines 90. She’s got worse rather than better. Never once heard her take responsibility or apologise ever, no matter what the situation.

Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 18:22

AluckyEllie · 14/04/2025 15:48

@MotherIssues2025 I say this kindly- you need to go to therapy. This is not a normal mother/daughter relationship and you shouldn’t feel like this. You shouldn’t feel guilty or like you need to push your own feelings down. Imagine your own children feeling like this at age 40- you’d be horrified.

This will unfortunately only get worse as she ages and needs more and more help. She’s already ringing you several times a week and you are visiting more than once a week. When she needs more support you will have teenagers. They aren’t going to want to visit grandma 3 times a week to
watch her bully their mum. You also aren’t going to want to spend your precious free time on her. Go to therapy and let them help you set boundaries.

This is not a normal mother/daughter relationship

Unfortunately it’s a lot more common than you think and they seem to get worse with age for some reason

ChangeisntalwaysfortheBetter · 14/04/2025 18:24

Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 18:19

Mine is 79 and I’ve recently decided to pull away from her as she could potentially live for another 15+ years and If I continue to allow her to do what she is doing, she will have destroyed me by then

Show quote history

I understand this well. They like to hold the "I could be dead tomorrow" over you don't they? We could all be dead tomorrow, it doesn't mean you have to constantly appease them, while ignoring your needs. Life is too short, and we count too!

Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 18:26

TheHistorian · 14/04/2025 13:59

This is the issue with a relationship like this. It's very confusing and scary to imagine doing anything as drastic as breaking contact completely despite the level of abuse going on. I went on for years with my toxic mother until I couldn't take it anymore.

I would strongly recommend some therapy to unpick this issue because it's very hard to imagine a way out. It doesn't necessarily have to be NC but there's work to be done to unravel the dysfunction. Op has been well trained by her mother.

As I have said in my previous posts I feel absolutely no attachment to my mother, I couldn't have said that 15 years ago and would have been defending her.

Show quote history

This is the issue with a relationship like this. It's very confusing and scary

Completely agree, unless you are in a relationship like that with your mother it would be very hard to understand.
In some aspects of motherhood they can be fantastic but in other areas ( emotional) they can be abysmal / controlling and abusive

Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 18:30

ChangeisntalwaysfortheBetter · 14/04/2025 18:24

I understand this well. They like to hold the "I could be dead tomorrow" over you don't they? We could all be dead tomorrow, it doesn't mean you have to constantly appease them, while ignoring your needs. Life is too short, and we count too!

Show quote history

Exactly,
I used to think that I could put up with it for a few more years as that’s all she would likely be around for but lately I have come to the realisation that she is actually very healthy for her age and could last many more years and at that stage I dread to think how much damage she would have done to me, I cannot allow that to happen

Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 18:40

BunnyRuddington · 14/04/2025 18:20

Mines 90. She’s got worse rather than better. Never once heard her take responsibility or apologise ever, no matter what the situation.

Show quote history

They definitely get worse with age!

Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 18:42

FrozenFeathers · 14/04/2025 17:02

Generational trauma. My parents are the same.

I was in my 40s when I finally broke it off. I couldn't take the neediness and passive aggressive communication, if I didn't do exactly what they wanted and how they wanted it, anymore. They kept dragging me into their fights, even though I live an hour away. The constant guilt-trips. It was already tearing me apart when I was still young. I kept wondering how many more years I had to put up with it. Often just speaking on the phone to them would leave me feeling physically ill.

One day it was the final straw. I did not want their drama and BS in my life anymore. I cut all contact and haven't looked back.

Show quote history

My situation is a bit more difficult as my father is one of the kindest human beings you could meet so I cannot cut her off as then I wouldn’t see him either

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 14/04/2025 18:48

If you think she's a great nan you are fooling yourself.
She will treat your children how she's always treated you. You'll see it more as they grow up.
She can't be anyone other than who she is so you need to ask yourself are you going to wait and see it start to happen to your children or are you going to prevent it.

Talk to your sister. Ask for her help to change the way you deal with your mother.

Cesarina · 14/04/2025 19:05

@MotherIssues2025 I haven't got the time right now to read the whole thread, but I will do.
I just wanted to beg you not to feel embarrassed about still being in this difficult relationship with your mother in your 40's.
Hopefully other posters on this thread will have assured you that this kind of situation is far more common than you think, and you are very much not alone.
This behaviour has been your experience all of your life, and it is hard, but not impossible, to break the cycle.
She is not going to change, but you can change how you react to her.
I'm another poster who is suggesting therapy to help you through this.
And you are only in your 40's - hopefully decades of life left to live!

VexedofVirginiaWater · 14/04/2025 19:22

You say you feel a bad daughter, that you fret about it. You worry about her being all on her own. She is on her own because she has driven every person who might have cared about her out of her life - and she would drive them out of yours too if she could. Do you suppose she is sitting at home alone (because of how she treats people) fretting about how you are feeling? I think we all know the answer to that. She really doesn't deserve this much compassion from you.

Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 19:41

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2025 16:18

Why do you bother?

Please, lose the guilt, you owe her nothing

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The thing is that people in that situation do actually feel that they owe their mothers something as she brought you up/ raised you, partially funded ( as well as father) all your education etc etc
Its difficult to not feel that you owe them something, on top of that a lot of people ( her friends, people in the community) see these mothers as wonderful, kind, compassionate people and don’t see the way they actually treat their daughters so you potentially look like a terrible human being if you cut them out of their lives

Mary46 · 14/04/2025 20:09

Definitely very hard. My sister is right too much time to think and plot! I told her have my own house to run too. Def very draining. They selfish for sure

Elsvieta · 14/04/2025 21:10

MotherIssues2025 · 13/04/2025 20:40

She’s 69.

She puts all these expectations on me and if I don’t do what she wants I get this cruel and silent treatment response.

My sister however, who doesn’t really make much effort with my mum never has to deal with anything like this. Mind you, that’s probably because she put boundaries in a long time ago about how much contact she’d have with our mother. My sister was affected a lot more by our childhood than I was.

Show quote history

Are you sure about that? (Your sister being affected worse than you)? Because it sounds like you are still scared of her and craving her approval, and your sister isn't.

She's low contact with her parents, NC with her brother (perhaps he doesn't kowtow to her?), your sister avoids her, she doesn't have friends. The common factor here is her. There's a million activities for fit retired people to get out and meet people and make friends - if, of course, they want to treat people decently.

Did you genuinely think you were the only one in this position? Get thee to the stately homes threads...

Twenty years down the line or whenever she's frail and needing care, who do you think she'll be expecting to do it? I think setting some boundaries on how you let her treat you sooner rather than later is the way to go.

Original poster
MotherIssues2025 · 14/04/2025 21:27

Elsvieta · 14/04/2025 21:10

Are you sure about that? (Your sister being affected worse than you)? Because it sounds like you are still scared of her and craving her approval, and your sister isn't.

She's low contact with her parents, NC with her brother (perhaps he doesn't kowtow to her?), your sister avoids her, she doesn't have friends. The common factor here is her. There's a million activities for fit retired people to get out and meet people and make friends - if, of course, they want to treat people decently.

Did you genuinely think you were the only one in this position? Get thee to the stately homes threads...

Twenty years down the line or whenever she's frail and needing care, who do you think she'll be expecting to do it? I think setting some boundaries on how you let her treat you sooner rather than later is the way to go.

Show quote history

Yeah, my sister was the “black sheep” and our mum practically wrote her off when she was about 10 years old whereas I was hailed as the perfect daughter. The rest of our family fawned over my sister to compensate for how badly she was treated by our mum and it was just a really difficult childhood.

I think my sister stopped caring about having a positive relationship with our mother from a very young age because in some ways our mum just ignored her. My mum made sure that my sister knew she was “second place” when it came to the pecking order of her children.

I genuinely don’t know how me and my sister grew up to be so close because when we were children/teenagers she must have hated me or resented me so much.

Plus, as I said, when it came to physical chastisement it was always my sister that was at the receiving end of that, my mum was never physical with me.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 14/04/2025 21:46

Read Toxic Parents by Philippa Forward. There is a lot for you to think about - this will help Flowers

macaroniandcheeze · 14/04/2025 21:46

MotherIssues2025 · 14/04/2025 15:24

I feel like I’m being a bad daughter.
From reading all these replies and seeing how outsiders are interpreting the situation I feel like I’ve been conditioned to feel like this. It’s like my self-worth is dependent on her behaviour towards me.

I’m a generally happy and confident person but her acting like this has made me feel so worthless. It’s like she can change my whole view of myself at the drop of a hat. It’s horrid.

Show quote history

I do feel for you. It really is a case of unlearning that her opinion of you matters.

Original poster
MotherIssues2025 · 14/04/2025 22:01

I feel so overwhelmed by all these responses….. everyone has been so helpful and you have all opened my eyes as to what’s really going on, but with that realisation comes a little bit of sadness to be honest. I genuinely thought the relationship I had with my mother was normal but it seems not. I feel emotionally wrung out.

OP posts:
SendTheNextOneIn · 15/04/2025 07:51

Comtesse · 14/04/2025 21:46

Read Toxic Parents by Philippa Forward. There is a lot for you to think about - this will help Flowers

its by Susan Forward, not Philippa.

Comtesse · 15/04/2025 07:52

SendTheNextOneIn · 15/04/2025 07:51

its by Susan Forward, not Philippa.

Show quote history

Sorry brain fart, you are quite right!

BunnyRuddington · 16/04/2025 07:33

MotherIssues2025 · 14/04/2025 22:01

I feel so overwhelmed by all these responses….. everyone has been so helpful and you have all opened my eyes as to what’s really going on, but with that realisation comes a little bit of sadness to be honest. I genuinely thought the relationship I had with my mother was normal but it seems not. I feel emotionally wrung out.

I totally get that and I think it’s why people were suggesting some therapy so that you can work through your feelings in a supported environment.

Knowing that your relationship isn’t what you hoped can bring sadness and even some grief. My own “D”M simply isn’t capable of forming good relationships with anyone. She has one DF who doesn’t even seem to like her but sees her through some sort of sense of obligation. Nobody else what to be near her. Sad really but I’d feel more sorry for her if she hadn’t been so abusive when we were DC.

Original poster
MotherIssues2025 · 16/04/2025 10:33

l’ve been in tears over all this morning, I feel like I’m looking back on all the ways she’s ever behaved towards me (as a child and adult) and realising how abnormal it is.

So many families members have made comments about how badly we were treated, even being told it was a miracle social services weren’t involved, but nobody has ever told us what she was actually like or what she did to us. Me and my sister only have a few memories of our childhood….its almost like we’ve blocked a lot of it out.

I contacted my mum’s brother today (I still have contact with him) and asked if we can meet. He will know how our mum acted towards me and my sister and I feel like I need to know the truth.

Me and the children are off to see their grandparents today (on my father’s side) so that will hopefully be a nice distraction in the meantime. We don’t see them that often as they live up North so hopefully it will be a lovely day…..if the sun makes an appearance!

OP posts:
Uberella · 16/04/2025 11:02

I’d suspect the reason she doesn’t really have anyone in her life is because she’s just not a nice person;you run around too much after her,she adds little value to your life as she treats you badly and she’s extremely entitled.

Your mum belongs in the stately homes threads.

Hastentoadd · 16/04/2025 11:29

MotherIssues2025 · 16/04/2025 10:33

l’ve been in tears over all this morning, I feel like I’m looking back on all the ways she’s ever behaved towards me (as a child and adult) and realising how abnormal it is.

So many families members have made comments about how badly we were treated, even being told it was a miracle social services weren’t involved, but nobody has ever told us what she was actually like or what she did to us. Me and my sister only have a few memories of our childhood….its almost like we’ve blocked a lot of it out.

I contacted my mum’s brother today (I still have contact with him) and asked if we can meet. He will know how our mum acted towards me and my sister and I feel like I need to know the truth.

Me and the children are off to see their grandparents today (on my father’s side) so that will hopefully be a nice distraction in the meantime. We don’t see them that often as they live up North so hopefully it will be a lovely day…..if the sun makes an appearance!

If her brother is NC with her will he be biased though and describe events as being even worse than they were

Original poster
MotherIssues2025 · 16/04/2025 11:54

Hastentoadd · 16/04/2025 11:29

If her brother is NC with her will he be biased though and describe events as being even worse than they were

Show quote history

I’d rather that then spend my whole life never knowing what kind of mother I had and what she did to me and my sister. I can’t spend the next 40+ years never knowing the true extent of my mother’s behaviour and be trapped in this vacuum and be completely unable to move forward.

OP posts:
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