To not go chasing after my mum all the time!

[MotherIssues2025]

I have name changed for this as my problem is quite embarrassing really.

I’m mid 40’s and my relationship with my mother has always been quite superficial. She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body growing up and me and my sister never got shown any love or affection. We were pretty terrified of her really and it felt like we were always walking on eggshells.

About 6 months ago she was really quite cruel and petty towards me about something, and looking back on it her behaviour towards me was quite nasty acrually. She was in the wrong but she ignored me for days and days, and just generally made me feel really shit. Her silent treatment was her method of exerting her power over the situation and her power over me. Ultimately I went chasing after her and she had the satisfaction of knowing she had ‘won’.

Last week a similar situation arose, she was unnecessarily rude and cruel to me (ending up with her hanging the phone up on me) and we’ve had no contact since. We normally speak every other day but since her last ‘strop’ it’s now been 5 days.

I feel so infuriated by it and I know it sounds pathetic but AIBU for saying No More! and not go running after her??!

She has previously made a comment to me about how parents can speak to their adult children however they want and the ‘child’ (even though they are now adults) have no right to stand up to the parent.

She obviously thinks the strict parent-child dynamic I grew up in should remain until the day either of us die. I.e she believes she can speak to me and treat me however she likes and as she’s my mother I just have to take it.

Having lived within this strange parent-child dynamic for over 40 years is making me feel like I should go running after her, even though I have done nothing wrong, but at the same time I just feel so, so angry that she thinks she can keep behaving like this.

It’s just so immature of her. I guarantee that even if I do go chasing her she will make me out to be the bad guy…..then she’ll act as though nothing has happened….and then give it a few months and the same thing will happen again.

I’m in my 40’s FFS - how can my mother still have this hold over me, this level of control over me. Like I said, it’s pretty pathetic.

Thanks to anyone who made it to the end. I just needed to get it off my chest. I’m just so fed up of her manipulation and pettiness.

For some reason, because of a sense of obligation and guilt, you feel that you must pander to your mother in a way that normal, kind, supportive mothers would never expect from their children.

Mums are not automatically good people just because they have given birth. Think about the awful mums who have committed criminal acts such as murder and children abuse. Rose West is still a mum. Obviously your mum is in a different category, but she is still a terrible mum to you.

If you stopped seeing her, can you think of one single thing that you would miss?

You need to protect your own mental health in this OP. In your shoes I would be stepping back and not dancing to her tune. That won't be easy, as you've allowed her to dictate things for so long.

Have you tried stopping contact every time she’s rude? So that she gets the message that poor behaviour results in no attention.

This is the third time she’s been this bad over the course of the last 9 months and the first two times I did go chasing after her, and getting other family members to try and contact her and check on her etc so this episode is the only time where I’ve not done that.

She’s so used to me pandering to it I can’t help but wonder what’s going through her head seeing as I’ve not made any attempt to contact her in 6 days.

I mean don’t get me wrong, aside from the comments I’ve made on this thread, she does have nice and caring traits to her character, she isn’t a tyrant or anything. Yes my childhood wasn’t the best and I have a lot of bad memories, but since I moved out at 20 our relationship dynamic obviously changed as she had far less control and influence over me. She has done a lot of kind things for me over the course of my adult life, she really can be a good person, but these episodes are just unbearable. She never used to be like it. It just makes me feel so controlled and worthless, and I feel like I’m being transported back to how she made me feel as a child. I just feel like a constant weight on my shoulders of how I must behave (in alignment with her expectations) and if I don’t she just turns on me.

Hold tight. Put yourself first. Keep her on a strict "information diet" about your life and what you're up to. You owe her nothing, actually, common human decency is the prerequisite for loving relationships and she's actively going against providing that to you, the person she should cherish the most.

We deserve and should expect better ,but also you've had forty years of blatant examples that she can never be the mum you need. You will never receive what you want or deserve from her, she cannot do it for whatever reasons (in my mum's case it's also linked to childhood abuse, BUT she never chosen to try and improve/get therapy or break the cycle, so I've withdrawn hugely, to protect myself).

Bullies can't bully if you withdraw yourself from their toxic little game.

And what helped me was the "Shit sandwich" analogy... If you had a lovely perfect tasty sandwich, all your favourite ingredients, it looks delicious...but there's also a spoonful of shit mixed into it... Well. you wouldn't eat it, would you? The same goes for this situation. The spoonful of shit tarnishes and destroys the supposed good parts. It's not like you can ever just scrape it off.

You are not responsible for her.

She is abusive and you've been conditioned by her to feel responsible for her emotional state.

My dm is the same. I'm in my 50s and wish I'd gone nc years ago, but it now feels pointless as she's in her 80s so I'm lc.

Also, be aware that she might be a good grandmother now but wait until your children are a bit older and they start showing their personalities, preferences etc more. She won't be able to help herself being abusive towards them the same way she was/is to you.

YANBU, hold your boundary op 💐

I just can’t shake the feeling of not wanting her to be abandoned.

She and my dad got married very quickly when they met (met ant the age of 20) and my mum said she did it just so she could escape her own parents. Within 5 years of me and my sister being born my parents had separated (and soon divorced) and she’s never had a ‘normal’ relationship since. She always goes for men that she can control or that she can ‘fix’. It’s like she has to be with people who she thinks need saving as opposed to being in a relationship where both she and the partner would be classed as equals. She needs to feel like she’s a saviour and that she is going to be the one to ‘rescue them’. She would see their successes or achievements as a reflection on her, in much the same way she used to see my qualities and achievements as a reflection of her ‘perfect parenting.’ She has just always needed that kind of validation and praise.

My dad however re-married about 10 years after the divorce and my step-mum is lovely. They’re still together now but they never went on to have children together after the wedding.

It’s just such a mess. I think although my mum puts on this front of being a strong woman she’s actually very troubled.

She has previously made a comment to me about how parents can speak to their adult children however they want and the ‘child’ (even though they are now adults) have no right to stand up to the parent.
She obviously thinks the strict parent-child dynamic I grew up in should remain until the day either of us die. I.e she believes she can speak to me and treat me however she likes and as she’s my mother I just have to take it

I got to this part OP
DHs mother believes the same - they are so very very wrong

We busted her bad mouthing us on our cameras** Her reaction was to blow up about how rude we were to watch our camera footage, she is OWED privacy in our home, in our backyard and we have to just get over what she said

**DH was in bedroom, MIL and her 2 friends out back and he thought he heard her bad mouth us through our open window, went to cameras to confirm before he said anything and found out she said much more

This happened on her last visit last month, the exact situation that started the all out fight where everything came out
We are now NC and she is banned from our house

Your mental health and self worth is worth steeping back for

I know you feel sorry for her but op, what about you? Her feelings and needs are not above yours.
That's what boundaries are for. They help you acknowledge that you love her, care for her and feel sorry for her but also protect yourself.

Your dm has treated you with extremes, either a nice person doing nice things or completely ignoring you. There's nothing in between.

It's hard to maintain the in between. It's uncomfortable to hold two opposing thoughts at the same time.
But unless you want to go NC that what you need to learn tolerance for, that sticky discomfort of feeling sorry for her but also maintaining your own boundary and not letting her abuse you.

Also, be aware that she might be a good grandmother now but wait until your children are a bit older and they start showing their personalities, preferences etc more. She won't be able to help herself being abusive towards them the same way she was/is to you.

100%

DD is 15 and stood up for herself to MIL (promises MIL had made and broke, MIL calling DD names) and instead of MIL thinking oh crap, ive messed up, my fave GD is really upset, she called her a brat and ignored her

You are pretty much backtracking on what you said in your OP. This is your description of your childhood:

She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body growing up and me and my sister never got shown any love or affection. We were pretty terrified of her really and it felt like we were always walking on eggshells.

As an adult, you have described her being cruel and petty to you, giving you the silent treatment and telling you that she can speak to you however she wants and you can't answer back.

The more badly she behaves, the harder you try to please her. She has complete power over you and will never change her behaviour if you don't change yours.

I doubt she’s ’very complex’, she’s just a mean old baggage who is using and abusing you as she has trained you to accept/

get some therapy quick ! Stop driving over there ! You are wasting your life on this AND she’s a bitch to you and has no friends !

wise up !!!

Grey rock good yes no short answers. I find when my mother bored she starts demands. Carers for our hols for her that type of thing if nobody calling. She fitter than me lol. Find she would be over involved if I let it I dont.

“She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body growing up and me and my sister never got shown any love or affection. We were pretty terrified of her really and it felt like we were always walking on eggshells.”

How has my latest post backtracked?

What I said above is exactly how our childhood was.

Backtracking in the sense that everything in your OP was negative about your mum' behaviour and treatment of your and your sister and in subsequent posts you are making excuses for her behaviour.

This is the issue with a relationship like this. It's very confusing and scary to imagine doing anything as drastic as breaking contact completely despite the level of abuse going on. I went on for years with my toxic mother until I couldn't take it anymore.

I would strongly recommend some therapy to unpick this issue because it's very hard to imagine a way out. It doesn't necessarily have to be NC but there's work to be done to unravel the dysfunction. Op has been well trained by her mother.

As I have said in my previous posts I feel absolutely no attachment to my mother, I couldn't have said that 15 years ago and would have been defending her.

You had a horrible abusive childhood. You’re now having a horrible, abusive adulthood

she is not a ‘good Nan’ to your kids, they see this behaviour

you are being gaslighted constantly. A woman with no friends, who doesn’t talk to her parents or brother and relies solely on someone she groomed to run around after her is a MASSIVE ARSEHOLE.

drop her or put mega boundaries in place, get some therapy if you can afford it to process you being frightened and walking on eggshells and never being hugged or told you were loved

OP, putting some healthy boundaries in place and maintaining the relationship on your terms is not the same as abandoning her. If she distances herself that’s her doing.

My mother also has an unstable personality and can’t maintain civility to a level I respect. She is far too old to resolve her failings now and no doubt her own childhood left her with the scars damaging her ability to interact well. I ignore her problems in order to model well balanced adulthood. I just always carry on normally despite her spikiness and oddities. I’m sorry your mother is similarly disadvantaged. It’s not nice having a cold mother who is hoity toity, is it. It does tend to hurt every time. But it isn’t personal as such, it’s just someone not relating in a considerate way.

That doesn’t mean I’m backtracking though. I do try and find reasons to explain why she parent in the way she did, but that doesn’t mean the negative behaviours didn’t exist. I think I have just misunderstood, or I don’t understand, the point you are trying to make.

I just know that the longer and longer I leave it before I contact her the more the victim she will make herself out to be. I’ll just be the awful daughter who ignored her mother.

In whose eyes? You already said she has little friends and family, so she is hardly likely to be bad mouthing you. She already thinks badly of you and behaves accordingly anyway. What harm will it really do to just wait for her to reach out first?

And?
You will know this is not the truth but a story she is telling herself/you and probably others too. A story there to show her in a good light because that’s how she can get a self esteem boost. Where she can play the victim etc….

You don’t have to agree to play that game.

And one way to refuse playing is to not jump as soon as she asks you to (like calling her to smooth over things).

I mean let’s be very honest there. Do you miss you every other day phone calls?
Apart from the anxiety now of how she’ll react to you not contacting her, how do you feel? Relief? Sadness? Like a weight has been lifted? Or you actually miss her?
How you feel will tell you a lot about how to handle things tbh. Because if you’re not missing her phone calls, and you’re actually relieved to not speak to her, what is the point of running around to keep her happy ahd you unhappy - just playing a to,e you dint want.

Write down and articulate carefully exactly what the problem with what she’s doing is. Spend time rewording it until your points are the clearest they could be.

Then say this to her.

Ask her directly why she is acting this way.
If she deflects, keep asking. Hold her to account.
If she keeps deflecting, avoiding, denying or changing the subject, just say to her directly that until she addresses this exact point you will no longer be speaking to her.