To not go chasing after my mum all the time!

[MotherIssues2025]

I have name changed for this as my problem is quite embarrassing really.

I’m mid 40’s and my relationship with my mother has always been quite superficial. She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body growing up and me and my sister never got shown any love or affection. We were pretty terrified of her really and it felt like we were always walking on eggshells.

About 6 months ago she was really quite cruel and petty towards me about something, and looking back on it her behaviour towards me was quite nasty acrually. She was in the wrong but she ignored me for days and days, and just generally made me feel really shit. Her silent treatment was her method of exerting her power over the situation and her power over me. Ultimately I went chasing after her and she had the satisfaction of knowing she had ‘won’.

Last week a similar situation arose, she was unnecessarily rude and cruel to me (ending up with her hanging the phone up on me) and we’ve had no contact since. We normally speak every other day but since her last ‘strop’ it’s now been 5 days.

I feel so infuriated by it and I know it sounds pathetic but AIBU for saying No More! and not go running after her??!

She has previously made a comment to me about how parents can speak to their adult children however they want and the ‘child’ (even though they are now adults) have no right to stand up to the parent.

She obviously thinks the strict parent-child dynamic I grew up in should remain until the day either of us die. I.e she believes she can speak to me and treat me however she likes and as she’s my mother I just have to take it.

Having lived within this strange parent-child dynamic for over 40 years is making me feel like I should go running after her, even though I have done nothing wrong, but at the same time I just feel so, so angry that she thinks she can keep behaving like this.

It’s just so immature of her. I guarantee that even if I do go chasing her she will make me out to be the bad guy…..then she’ll act as though nothing has happened….and then give it a few months and the same thing will happen again.

I’m in my 40’s FFS - how can my mother still have this hold over me, this level of control over me. Like I said, it’s pretty pathetic.

Thanks to anyone who made it to the end. I just needed to get it off my chest. I’m just so fed up of her manipulation and pettiness.

The GP is now able to offer free counselling to NHS patients if you are in the U.K. op. You just need to request it.

This is one of best books I have read on the subject below, and has plenty of very good practical strategies and solutions that really appeal. Lots of exercise etc. an interactive, supportive, very well researched book:

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/396241603196?_ul=GB&rb_itemId=396241603196&rb_pgeo=GB&ff=11&mkevt=1&mkcid=1&mkrid=710-53481-19255-0&campid=5339059258&toolid=10044&customid=EAIaIQobChMI3pKt0ujqjAMVL5RQBh18YywFEAQYASABEgKw6fD_BwE&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADA7Q_JpOKFxjY0TQYOBl5tfTsDKW

Amd a ground breaking book - complex PTSD by Pete Walker is an excellent choice if this applies to you. As it does sound like you might have cPTSD and it’s worth looking it up:

https://biblio.co.uk/9781492871842:1678030172?cq_src=google_ads&cq_cmp=22401790487&cq_con=&cq_term=&cq_med=pla&cq_plac=&cq_net=x&cq_pos=&cq_plt=gp&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD_wNd-pxAWigg_NgOyuIpCTcgrLD

iI am so glad your husband is being so supportive op. Take care 🙏🏼

You can access trauma and EMDR therapy via GP. It may take a while but you could definitely qualify. It’s really worthwhile.
You really deserve the help.

This, but most of the services they would refer you to accept self referrals too, so you may be able to refer directly and save trying to get an appointment with a GP.

OP, this was me 5 years ago. Very similar mother, but add in DA, including physical and emotional/psychological abuse too. I hated her, growing up. Regardless, I had some sort of very hands-off relationship with her, punctuated by occasional periods where she'd hang up etc and each time I had to brave the inevitable frost when I (because it was always me) reestablished contact.

Until I stopped. After one hateful, spiteful message from her, I just didn't know how to respond. So I didn't. Weeks turned into a month; the very thought of ringing her and enduring her backlash made me ill.

So I didn't. I dropped the rope. And it's the best thing I've done. 5 years on, I don't regret it. At all.

None of this 'she's your mum' bollocks. You didn't force her to give birth to you. You owe her nothing.

Same in our family. Growing up in the 70s/early 80s. No Childline. Neighbours, family, school, friends' parents. They knew what was going on, but it wasn't the done thing then.

People block out trauma. I know I did. My sibling reminds me of the stuff I blocked out.

Morning all, I just wanted to come and update the thread as you were all so helpful.

I joined the Stately Homes thread and although most of the women have it worse than me, I could still see lots of similarities between their relationships with their mother and the one I have with mine.

I have also ordered some books on dealing with narcissistic parents and surviving childhood emotional abuse and they are really helping.

I have also started counselling and had my first session last week and another session yesterday. It’s certainly helping to give me some clarity.

Up until 2 days ago I hadn’t had any contact with my mother for a month but then she sent me a text in relation to something we had planned for later in the year. Her text wasn’t very pleasant and actually turned out to have been sent for selfish reasons as opposed to being an olive branch so I didn’t engage. I don’t have the energy to get sucked back into it all, and nor do I want to.

Well done OP. You have come so far since your first post about your mum. You sound amazingly resilient despite your difficult childhood and you can now see your mum's intentions clearly and you have developed strategies to stop being sucked back into that really unhealthy dynamic.

It always amazes me when someone sends a text to someone they are supposed to love, especially a parent to a child, and they are mean.
You are being so strong.
I am sure if your mum approached you in a more positive manner you would feel more able to respond.
Right now, and in the future, you can choose your response. And that involves putting your wellbeing first.

That’s great that you’re starting to see a way forward to deal with this. You’ve come a long way and should be proud of yourself.

How are you getting on OP?

My very elderly DM texted me today after a short visit from me at the weekend. It started off nice and chatty but it was sprinkled with elements of sarcasm, guilt tripping, passive aggression and hurt. I really don’t know how she is capable of inflicting so much hurt, pain and punishment on me and if she truly actually is my biological mother. Naturally, I was hurt but sick of being sad, upset and angry tired of her ‘favourites game’ and trying to make her see sense, that I care and appreciate me and my children etc which always leads to an argument and tears. So this time I didn’t bother instead I asked Chat GPT to help me come up with a response text message (even AI picked up the passive aggression and guilt tripping). So no big argument or nuclear fall out and I keep myself worth slightly.

My early adult daughter probably slightly neuro diverse can be hormonal, awkward and hard work at times but I love her, continue to work at our relationship and refuse to let her push me away. I could never hurt DD, try to punish her and make her feel as unwanted and third or tenth best as my DM does to me (I have two other siblings).

Well done you.
You didnt reward her twatty behaviour with attention.
Self preservation is important.
Look after yourself lovely xxx
Hugs to you xx

Well it’s gone a bit shit to be honest. It appears she’s now started being unpleasant to my sister for absolutely no reason (in the same way she was with me) and new measures of manipulation are now coming to the surface too. I’m exhausted with it to be honest ☹️

Im not seeing my counsellor for another week so I’m just trying to block my mother out, as well as all the crap, and focus on getting through the next 7 days without having a breakdown!

I also have a narcissistic parent and everything you've posted rings true with me. Your posts have actually brought comfort to me and made me feel less alone. If you ever need someone to talk to, do not hesitate to PM.
Unfortunately their actions have conditioned us into a constant state of anxiety. I really hope you manage to block your mother out and free yourself of the mental torture.

Your mother has a new target for now. A new emotional punch bag, try to watch neutrally from the side lines. What is she doing? How is she doing it? Notice the lack of remorse. Notice the lack of care.

Support your sister as far as you can without using too many reserves. This is not your fault. It is not your sister’s fault. Neither of you owe her your inner peace and calm.

What kind of mother harms her own children like this?

Continue to ignore her, hold the line and discuss this development with your therapist. Self care and self love in every way possible from warm baths to delicious wholesome food. Nurturing yourself will make a small difference.

Thank you all so much for all the kindness you have shown to me on this thread. It is really helping and having people understand and empathise really means a lot x

You're really doing so well, stay strong and look after yourself lovely 💐

@MotherIssues2025 Maybe if she is starting to get on at your sister in lieu of you, maybe you can see her behaviour is not about either of you, it’s about her. Its all about her own problems. And those are on her to deal with.

I limit my interactions with my parents to when I have the energy to deal with them. And in my mind, they are lucky to get that after the childhood I had, so I don’t feel guilty. Otherwise I just don’t reply to messages, or if I have to it’s very ambivalent and non commital. When I see them I bland smile and grey rock all their dramas and leave early.

You don’t owe your mother anything very much at all, she’s lucky you even acknowledge her as a mother. Im
sorry this drama is continuing into a new phase, it might go on for a bit until she comes to terms with your new relationship with her and sees you as a strong independent person who doesn’t think highly of her.
Im sending you positive vibes to wherever you are 🌈🌈🌈

It’s the hardest thing to deal with. If you have a narcissist for a dh you can get divorced. With children you can guide them to think of others. You can easily find friends that are not like this, you have free choice. Ditto with jobs etc.

When it comes to your parents, your mother especially, you can’t divorce. It’s the only relationship that endures, it is supposed to be a rock, unconditional, a safe harbour from life. The reality is that these relationships are anything but safe harbours. They are incredibly damaging.

This is not about you or your sister. It never was. I think that perspective can really help. It’s not personal. She would be like this regardless.

It doesn’t make the loss any easier to bear though. I don’t know what your relationship is like with your sister?

Maybe there is an opportunity for you both here, to be each other’s priority, to be the rock your mother can’t be.

Your mother may have done too much divisive damage for this to be possible ( the divide and rule starts early) When you are ready, build other strong relationships that can offer the love and care you should have received from your mother.

Allow yourself to grieve, to let go. Watch Mel Robbins on you tube. Phenomenal and empowering. A lightbulb in the darkness and confusion as you navigate this new awareness.

It is deliberate, that can often be very hard to accept. Your mother does this knowingly, and she does not care. As soon as that is realised, things fall into place. She isn’t ill, deranged or otherwise compromised she makes a decision every day to harm her children. She isn’t a nice person. She isn’t going to change, it’s so hard to know this, truly know this, as our instincts are to love but this will only cause you to be further harmed as your love and loyalty is weaponised against you.

It will get easier with time, with therapy, with kindness to yourself and taking the time to recover. You might feel so tired and so drained, you are going through a lot internally. A seismic change, a bereavement of sorts. It will get better ❤️‍🩹

It’s been 5 weeks now since we last spoke and she has made absolutely no effort to reach out. It’s the feeling that she really doesn’t care, and is happy to toss me aside is what hurts me the most. Complete disregard for me and my feelings.

Thankfully I get on really well with my sister, we always have since we were very young children.

My mum and my sister don’t have any kind of real relationship. They see each other maybe once a month at a local pub (they both like to watch one of the local bangs play there), and there is always lots of other people there, and of course loud music, so they don’t really speak to each other. They will sit at the same table but there’s no real talking to each other….it’s all very superficial. They don’t ever text/call each other.

Now that mom has switched her focus from suffocating me, to now taking all her controlling and manipulative mind games to my sister’s door at least means I’m getting a respite.

I feel sorry for my sister though.

She’s going to see a different side to our mother, well not a different side to be exact, more like she’s going to be faced with the true version of our mother, a realisation that she hasn’t wanted to face for the last 30 years.