To not go chasing after my mum all the time!

[MotherIssues2025]

I have name changed for this as my problem is quite embarrassing really.

I’m mid 40’s and my relationship with my mother has always been quite superficial. She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body growing up and me and my sister never got shown any love or affection. We were pretty terrified of her really and it felt like we were always walking on eggshells.

About 6 months ago she was really quite cruel and petty towards me about something, and looking back on it her behaviour towards me was quite nasty acrually. She was in the wrong but she ignored me for days and days, and just generally made me feel really shit. Her silent treatment was her method of exerting her power over the situation and her power over me. Ultimately I went chasing after her and she had the satisfaction of knowing she had ‘won’.

Last week a similar situation arose, she was unnecessarily rude and cruel to me (ending up with her hanging the phone up on me) and we’ve had no contact since. We normally speak every other day but since her last ‘strop’ it’s now been 5 days.

I feel so infuriated by it and I know it sounds pathetic but AIBU for saying No More! and not go running after her??!

She has previously made a comment to me about how parents can speak to their adult children however they want and the ‘child’ (even though they are now adults) have no right to stand up to the parent.

She obviously thinks the strict parent-child dynamic I grew up in should remain until the day either of us die. I.e she believes she can speak to me and treat me however she likes and as she’s my mother I just have to take it.

Having lived within this strange parent-child dynamic for over 40 years is making me feel like I should go running after her, even though I have done nothing wrong, but at the same time I just feel so, so angry that she thinks she can keep behaving like this.

It’s just so immature of her. I guarantee that even if I do go chasing her she will make me out to be the bad guy…..then she’ll act as though nothing has happened….and then give it a few months and the same thing will happen again.

I’m in my 40’s FFS - how can my mother still have this hold over me, this level of control over me. Like I said, it’s pretty pathetic.

Thanks to anyone who made it to the end. I just needed to get it off my chest. I’m just so fed up of her manipulation and pettiness.

So if I have got this right -

she is not in contact with her own parents
she is not in contact with her own brother
she is not in contact with her ex husband and presumably not with any of her subsequent partners
she is not in contact with one of her daughters
she has no friends
she is frequently rude and cruel to her other daughter and recently hung up the phone on her - and yet expects that daughter to come crawling back.

If this is correct, surely all those people can't be wrong.

She is NOT a good grandparent - your children will be aware on some level of how she treats you, please don't let them think this is what good grandparents do. Also, how long will it be before she starts treating them the same way? Maybe when they're stroppy teens?

I really would wait for her to contact you, and if she is claiming victimhood again, just remind her of what she said. You (probably quite rightly) didn't give details, but quote what she said - oh no, you told me I was stupid etc, what did you expect? When she comes back with the rot about parents should be able to say what they want to their adult children, just ask her - and how is that working out for you? Tell her you don't want your children to hear the sort of things she says to you or witness how she treats you.

Dh is no contact with his parents. The silent treatment they used to give him growing up was abusive, and their petulant childlike tantrums continued into adulthood. He is happier without them and needed years of therapy. They are still going strong, have never tried to repair the relationship, and haven't once asked what they've even done; this is because they know fine well what they have done. They haven't once met their grandchildren, or asked to. If this was my child I'd be on the doorstep. Meanwhile one of my parents died who meant the world to me, my young dcs lost a grandparent who cared about them. Dh's parents are walking around without a care in the world. Life is unfair.

She sounds very similar to my “D”M right down to creating a golden children/terrible child dynamic. I was the terrible child because I stood up to her from time to time and questioned what I was being ordered to do, my DSis was the Golden Child as my “D”M saw her as more biddable.

You have to make a choice OP. This could go on for another 25 years. I’m currently helping you look after a few relatives, one in their 80s the rest are in their 90s. Do you still want her to have this control over you when you’re 25 years older than you are now?

She’s using guilt to control you. She’s not helpless, I work with people her age and older who are bright, engaged and hold down a job, home, drive a car and in one case look after their own DM as well.

I’ve not read the whole thread but I’m sure that FOG will probably have been mentioned already.

It’s time to decide how you want to continue. You can carry on as you were before where every 3 months or so she behaves utterly appallingly and makes you feel wretched.

Nothing you’ve said as out her suggests she had the capacity for self reflection or improvement.

Alternatively, you can start to put sone boundaries in.

"She has previously made a comment to me about how parents can speak to their adult children however they want and the ‘child’ (even though they are now adults) have no right to stand up to the parent."

Anyone who comes out with this kind of thing can 100% get fucked.

I think so too. I definitely wouldn’t be running after her. She sounds really nasty.

I don’t miss the contact but I just have this low level anxiety about the whole thing. I worry about her being lonely…..sitting at home and wondering why I don’t care enough to ring her and see how she is.

But at the same time my logical side is telling me that she’s throwing a complete tantrum and wanting to play the victim and so I need to snap out of it.

As many posters have said, when you’ve been raised to behave a certain way it’s hard to step away from after 40+ years. Worrying about what she’s thinking about me (i.e am I a good daughter or a bad daughter) is my norm. I don’t know anything else.

It’s so pathetic. I feel so embarrassed to admit I have these feelings as a 40+ year old adult ☹️

I remember once when I was young, probably about 13-14, I was sitting downstairs in my living room and I suddenly heard screaming coming from my sister’s bedroom. I could hear my mum shouting at my sister and hitting her so I ran up the stairs and saw my sister sat in a chair with my mother pinning her into it, towering over her and yelling at her and slapping her across her arms and torso. I will never ever forget that. I remember screaming at my mom, telling her to get off my sister and asking her what the hell she thought she was doing! My mom did stop after my outburst and then she simply stormed out the bedroom. That was the first time I had ever raised my voice to my mum, or swore at her, but I was just so sad and scared for my sister.

Apparently family members used to dread leaving us with our mother as they knew how she acted towards us behind closed doors. Well they knew she was nasty and spiteful but I don’t think any one of them even suspected she was physically violent towards us. Well I say ‘us’ - it was my sister who was always on the receiving end of that. I don’t blame my sister at all for having so little contact with our mother, I wish I had her strength to do the same.

I feel like I’m being a bad daughter.
From reading all these replies and seeing how outsiders are interpreting the situation I feel like I’ve been conditioned to feel like this. It’s like my self-worth is dependent on her behaviour towards me.

I’m a generally happy and confident person but her acting like this has made me feel so worthless. It’s like she can change my whole view of myself at the drop of a hat. It’s horrid.

This is exactly it OP and it shows why even the golden child of narcissistic parents suffer.
You have been taught that your mother's emotions matter more than your own which is absolutely not the case. It is not abandoning her, she has taken the path to put you all in this position.
For now, I wouldn't confront, maybe look up the grey rock method and then seek some counselling. If not for yourself, break the generational trauma for your children so that they don't think this is normal. Trust me, even if you think they don't see it, they absolutely will eventually.
You deserve to have a happy healthy life and if that means going low contact or no contact then that's ok.

@MotherIssues2025 I say this kindly- you need to go to therapy. This is not a normal mother/daughter relationship and you shouldn’t feel like this. You shouldn’t feel guilty or like you need to push your own feelings down. Imagine your own children feeling like this at age 40- you’d be horrified.

This will unfortunately only get worse as she ages and needs more and more help. She’s already ringing you several times a week and you are visiting more than once a week. When she needs more support you will have teenagers. They aren’t going to want to visit grandma 3 times a week to
watch her bully their mum. You also aren’t going to want to spend your precious free time on her. Go to therapy and let them help you set boundaries.

You’re not foolish at all but you might need some therapy to help you see your situation more clearly.

The main thing that helped me was realising that whatever I did would not be good enough.

Once I truly understood what that meant for my feelings, the control “D”M tried to exert and how I would te beholden to her and her wishes whilst ignoring everything I and my own family wanted and needed it became really freeing.

If you’re going to be criticised for doing something. You may as well not do it or do it occasionally. I see my “D”M once a week for 30 minutes usually and that’s far more than I’d like.

m

You have to understand that unless you do everything she says at ALL TIMES she’s going to think badly of you. She wants everything her own way, you are there to service her needs - not the other way round (according to her).

it’s just any opportunity to guilt trip you.

She craves the drama and negative attention.
Continue to ignore her until she is ready to apologise.
You'll get a different reaction.
I would advise her the next time, you won't be accepting an apology, she is on a warning like a bold child.

Let her. So what.

Just walk away.

Why do you bother?

Please, lose the guilt, you owe her nothing

DO NOT GO AND SEE THE PET!!!!

Take the kids to an animal farm or whatever instwad. At 5 and 3 thry dan easily be distracted and fobbed off.
animal farms are all are filled to the rafters with chicks, bunnies baby lambs and goats right now...

Do not back down on this one.

Let her phone you and unless it's to apologise to you hang up on her.

Also get therapy and read up on FOG.
Fear obligation and guilt

As my kids would say, that sounds like a her problem not a you problem. If she's a cow to others like she is to you, of course she'll have no friends! Not. Your. Responsibility.

Mind yourself op. Mine is 83 still gets in strops. God its draining. Put yourself first

Generational trauma. My parents are the same.

I was in my 40s when I finally broke it off. I couldn't take the neediness and passive aggressive communication, if I didn't do exactly what they wanted and how they wanted it, anymore. They kept dragging me into their fights, even though I live an hour away. The constant guilt-trips. It was already tearing me apart when I was still young. I kept wondering how many more years I had to put up with it. Often just speaking on the phone to them would leave me feeling physically ill.

One day it was the final straw. I did not want their drama and BS in my life anymore. I cut all contact and haven't looked back.

That’s a very good analysis @MotherIssues2025
She has told you, like forever, that you were bad for not doing as she said. That you were responsible for her well-being.
So yes she has conditioned you to be worried and anxious and feeling she only has you - therefore you have to step up because that’s your role and duty as a daughter.

And I get it’s hard to change that (I’m carrying childhood trauma too so I get how hard it is put boundaries).
But I’ve found the best way to do that is do it quietly. No big fall out just no reaction to the tantrums. It doesn’t eliminate them but it does reduce them.
Also I keep repeating to myself ‘this is not mine to deal with’…..

I feel like I’m being a bad daughter.

OP what you need to realise is that with someone like your mum you can never be a good daughter. You could subjugate yourself to her completely, always do as you're told, make sure you apologise to her when she abuses you - and she would still want more. She would actually hate it, she'd have to find more and more things to dominate you because she has to have control, and she has to see she has control.

She won't be sitting feeling sad and lonely, she'll be feeling madder than a wet cat that you haven't come to heel. And if/when you do make contact she'll be worse than ever.

You can't fix her. This is who she is and how she operates. Any of the things you do for her, she doesn't see it as you doing her a favour, or even that you're helping her. As far as she's concerned she is absolutely entitled to as much of your time and effort as she wants, as if you were paid staff.

Don't let her bring you down. Don't let her dictate your life, your moods and your self esteem. It's sad if she's like she is because of a difficult childhood, but you had a very difficult childhood too and you've made sure you don't repeat the pattern. Don't knock yourself out when it will never be enough.

OP just a thought ..she is quite young really now,do you want the next 20/25yrs to be worse than it is now? You know when she is old and infirm and you are expected to be there 24 hrs a day to wipe her bum and feed her and run yourself ragged to the detriment of your children who will never see you? thats the future there your future..something to think on. Please don't do this to your children

I always had a difficult relationship with my mother. It took until I was almost 50 for me to realise exactly how abusive our relationship was. She was subsequently diagnosed as a narcissist.

It is not your responsibility to ensure that ur mum is not alone. If she’s burnt bridges with people then that’s on her. From what u say about her behaviour I can’t blame people from turning away from her.

She does not have the right to treat u poorly just because she’s ur mum. Please protect yourself and ur children.

I’m 49f and have a similar issue with my mother, have finally had enough and we haven’t spoken in over 3 weeks,

I am definitely not allowing her to have even the slightest bit of control over me from now on, she abused her position as a mother and now I have taken all the control away from her

I will speak to her again but when I’m ready not when she wants

from everything you have written so far she sounds like my mother,
My mother was a teacher and I think because of that she got used to controlling people ( and criticising them) and has to be right about everything, if you ever challenge her opinions / views she gets cross and a bit bitchy…..kind of like how dare you challenge the teachers views, or even speak up to me!