No notice AIBU?

[daisychainsandsummerdays]

I’ve been planning a trip to see in-laws who live in Scotland, we live in London.

The plans were loosely made over a couple of weeks ago- but the plan being we would drive up to them - it’s a 7/8 hour drive with our two little ones, 3 and 6.

Yesterday I got a message asking what time would we be arriving …I said not sure exactly.
the next morning I got a message saying need to know when EXACTLY and can we be at there’s by midday!!!
Brother in law had Boole a family photographer and a day off work, other siblings may not be available other days - need to know out plans ASAP!

I replied saying sorry we can’t make it for 12 noon and sorry had no idea BIL had taken day or even if there was a photographer!!!
after a 7 hour drive with two little children - last thing I want to do is get photo’s done. Also wasnt planning on bringing best outfits and haven’t even had my hair done.

so frustrated - feeling like not going at all.

So why do you think they picked it then?

It's much more likely that they picked it without considering OP, or there was a miscommunication about when she was coming, than that they deliberately picked a particularly awkward date.

I'd imagine they picked it without properly thinking through what time OP would be there and on finding out they fucked it up, tried to put pressure on her to get there early rather than changing or cancelling it.
If this is the scenario, then someone who wasnt a self centred twat would cancel it because of how bad going ahead without them looks.

It's more likely than you'd think that they just assumed everyone would be able to immediately accommodate what worked for them.

My BIL & SIL are like this. They give us (by us I mean DHs immediate family) less than 24 hours notice for things regularly and then kick off so much that it's not possible for everyone else that on many occasions everyone has just made it work. Except the last one where half of us were actually away and physically couldn't make it in time (similar to OPs journey).

They still kicked off but as we couldn't just jump when they clicked, maybe this time they learned?

Anyway, some people genuinely do think that everyone around them will do what works for them because family.

Ridiculous to expect you to arrive by noon with 2 little ones you will need at least a couple of breaks also for the driver/s.
Would your ILs do the journey and get to you by 12.00 ? I would have thought that getting there safely is more important than by a certain time, they are totally unreasonable.

I would be happy to be left out

Why can’t you drive up overnight? We also do that when travelling long distances with little ones makes it so much easier they sleep and don’t get bored and I can drive in peace.

If you were to read the OP's posts, she has already addressed this...

Honestly it is a classic MIL/DIL dilemma.

She wanted to do something and is used to have her kiddos coming in line. Her kiddos went down the hill and met partners. Mummy duck said quack quack quack quack but only one of her little duck came back… 😂😂😂

You will be the faulty one and you will not hear the end of it coz…well there will be an A4 picture to remind it to you. Plus she might turn it into a painting. Anyway, she found something you said no to and is literally framing it. Just don’t go anymore. Life is too short.

Also, book a photographer your side and put loads of them into your nest 😁😏

No, these things only work one way lol.

She would probably also be the bad apple daring asking MIL to get up early. She is old. What a lack of respect. OP is young and fresh, she should be able to take all the burden…with a smile 😁

Not your problem. Your DH's parents let him deal with them. No need for you to be the bad guy, they will always forgive him.

Yabu to be doing the communication for your husband why he can’t talk to his family about the plans?

the rest of it they are bonkers. I’d say oh no worries if you have plans (with the photographer) we’ll leave it this time and come up another time (in the very distant future!).

Not sure why you wouldn’t gi at all? Just say you can’t make it for 12 and leave jr at that, no need to cut your nose off to spite your face and your husband probably wants to go and see his family… just don’t do the photoshoot.

Used to travel to Scotland at lot as a child gave family there used to leave at 5am and arrive at about 3/4pm it’s a long drive and need plenty of stops. South London to Fife.
my mum would ring at Carlisle to let my grandparents know rough ETA. They are being massively unreasonable.
prob for the best you are missing a photoshoot I’m sure you can get some on your phones.
try and forget about it you’ll have a nice time once there.

This.

It sounds as if they are trying to plan things for your visit and you are totally not engaging with them.

What's stopping you just discussing your plans / what's possible and what isn't?

Sorry HRFT but I thought they were expecting you to say you'll travel overnight or stay overnight somewhere en route so you were there for 12.

Totally unreasonable imo, expensive and tricky to organise especially with small children.
I'd probably arrange to arrive the next day saying we didnt want to interrupt your photo day blah blah..

Get the sleeper train.

It sounds crazy but at least you don't have to worry about formal photographs. I would go and you can just take some nice family pix together with your phones - probably will be nicer ones anyway.

We used to do that trip regularly with small children and we would leave around 4am. This meant the kids would be sleeping for some of the journey and, most importantly, we would clear Birmingham/busiest bits of the M6 before rush hour. Worth considering …

althoughYANBU re the photo shoot and expectations…

WOW!!!! Does really sound like your over it. Just explain that you would be setting off at XXtime and taking into consideration some stops along the way you expect to arrive around XXtime. Say sorry you won't be able to participate in family photo shoot but that you are all looking forward to seeing them and grandchildren excited to visit with their grandparents.

If it were me I think I would drive up in the evening- kids will sleep in the car so you might get more journey done with less hassle - perhaps book a lay over in Carlisle area and sleep and carry on in the morning - would.make for a much nicer journey, you would make the family photo which would be lovely for your dc to have as they get older and you would arrive in a much more relaxed state.

They were unreasonable to spring this on you but roll with the punches and it doesn’t mean that you can't make it work even if it is a bit irritating

^ this. I did the exact same thing about 6 months ago. I was fed up of being looked at as the bad guy, even though most of the time we declined was because my DH didn’t want to go and I was the one having to pass on the bad news. Now I literally don’t reply to their messages on our WhatsApp group. If my husband doesn’t respond, they don’t get a response at all. I think MIL has finally started to realise that the only reason we ever went round or did things with them was because I suggested to my husband we should go and see his parents.

Thanks for all your thoughts….

We are staying home. No more driving to Scotland.

there were further messages about driving further and meeting us at BIL home. Lives a further 40 mins away.

not doing that.

staying home with my family. Don’t care what that means or how it comes across.
expecting us to drive all that way whilst others live locally. Nope.
👎

I don't think it is unreasonable to want you to drive up to Scotland once in a while. You live far away and if you are going to see them or have a relationship with them, someone has to travel.

But it is really unreasonable of them to have planned a family photo shoot knowing that you wouldn't be able to make it in time unless you came up the night before. In your situation, if I'd been involved in a discussion about that I might have agreed to drive up the night before or break the journey with a night in a hotel, but also tried to have the photoshoot booked for later in the afternoon if possible. It's this presenting you with a fait accompli whilst knowing that you have a 7+ hour drive which is weird and unreasonable.

What does your husband think?

Glad to read your update @daisychainsandsummerdays - not the further shitty behaviour from them, but that you've drawn a line and are staying home. Enough is enough.

The train from London to Scotland is fast and good. Sleeper train even better.