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daisychainsandsummerdays · 2025-04-13T07:50:32+00:00

I’ve been planning a trip to see in-laws who live in Scotland, we live in London. The plans were loosely made over a couple of weeks ago- but the plan being we would drive up to them - it’s a 7/8 hour drive with our two little ones, 3 and 6. Yesterday I got a message asking what time would we be arriving …I said not sure exactly. the next morning I got a message saying need to know when EXACTLY and can we be at there’s by midday!!! Brother in law had Boole a family photographer and a day off work, other siblings may not be available other days - need to know out plans ASAP! I replied saying sorry we can’t make it for 12 noon and sorry had no idea BIL had taken day or even if there was a photographer!!! after a 7 hour drive with two little children - last thing I want to do is get photo’s done. Also wasnt planning on bringing best outfits and haven’t even had my hair done. so frustrated - feeling like not going at all.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/04/2025 17:15

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 13/04/2025 17:13

They booked it for midday on a day they knew OP was doing a (minimum) 7 hour drive.

They knew they couldn't make that.

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Has been said before, could have been booked ages before OP made her plans.

They mentioned it as they wanted her there, otherwise they would have done a secret photoshoot.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 13/04/2025 17:20

TwentyTwentyFive · 13/04/2025 12:34

So you're travelling all that way and they've decided the only day they could possibly arrange the photoshoot is the day you're travelling? Even though everyone else taking part lives nearby and could therefore do a group photoshoot at literally any other time with minimal effort. To be honest I'm not sure I'd feel like making the effort to go either.

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Exactly this. Why would they not have planned it the day after you arrive if they cared about you being part of it. I’d message exactly that to MIL and the BIL and say they obviously didn’t care about you being part of it so why bother in the first place.

nomas · 13/04/2025 17:21

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/04/2025 17:15

Has been said before, could have been booked ages before OP made her plans.

They mentioned it as they wanted her there, otherwise they would have done a secret photoshoot.

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It’s no good booking it ages ago and only telling OP so late, is it?

How would OP know they booked it, through mind reading?

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/04/2025 17:21

TwentyTwentyFive · 13/04/2025 17:14

You don't have to be a psychic to know how long it takes to travel from London to Scotland or to know when your family is visiting.

Of course they knew they wouldn't be able to get there for midday.

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The plans were loosely made over a couple of weeks ago.....

No psychic powers needed to see that loosely made plans are not set in stone either. 🙄
They may have thought OP was leaving the evening before or early morning, only they know.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/04/2025 17:22

nomas · 13/04/2025 17:21

It’s no good booking it ages ago and only telling OP so late, is it?

How would OP know they booked it, through mind reading?

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Stating the obvious! Only the BIL knows the answer to that doesn't he?

TwentyTwentyFive · 13/04/2025 17:23

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/04/2025 17:21

The plans were loosely made over a couple of weeks ago.....

No psychic powers needed to see that loosely made plans are not set in stone either. 🙄
They may have thought OP was leaving the evening before or early morning, only they know.

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Well presumably the loosy based plans were set for during the Easter holidays so they'd know roughly when the OP and their son would be visiting?

Findmethesmallestviolin · 13/04/2025 17:24

Why is any of this your problem? They are your husband’s parents and brother? It was blindingly obvious you wouldn’t be there be midday so you were never part of the photo shot plan

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/04/2025 17:26

TwentyTwentyFive · 13/04/2025 17:23

Well presumably the loosy based plans were set for during the Easter holidays so they'd know roughly when the OP and their son would be visiting?

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Who knows! Doesn't seem like it. Maybe direct that to OP.
Better yet, if OP's BIL is on here, he may provide clarity.

babasaclover · 13/04/2025 17:27

daisychainsandsummerdays · 13/04/2025 09:09

No we can’t go the day before. Both BIL’s live close by to in laws - half hour at the most!!

I’ve said that it’s not possible to do that and we were not aware there was a photographer booked or BIL had taken time off work.

thinking we will stay in London and not go.

ill end up the bad person here no doubt but it feels like what was a trip to see in laws has turned into what BIL wants us to do..

im sad about it but I’m now over it! 😡

I wouldn’t go at all they are being ridiculous.

tbh they’re lucky you’re even considering it with kids that age - they’ll be climbing the walls and you’ll need at lease 3/4 stops.

i have in laws 4 hours away and used to really stress and my daughter is always car sick and it was such aggro then when we got there they’d spend days telling us we were doing everything wrong ‘back in my day’ etc. I’ve binned it off - don’t even care if I’m the bad person. My husband don’t want to go and it’s his family!!!

RawBloomers · 13/04/2025 17:30

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 16:01

It's the total lack of consideration for the OP's family. I wouldn't take kindly to peremptorily being summoned to a photoshoot in these circumstances and I dare say most people wouldn't. The OP is left feeling that MIL doesn't care whether they are in the photos or not.

Most of us would want to look our best in such a photo too and MIL has not given her son's family the opportunity to get ready.

If I was in this situation and decided not to go, it would be because of the inconsiderate way this has all been handled and the MIL's refusal to even attempt to change the arrangement.

On balance I think I'd go, as I assume the children are looking forward to it and it has the potential to seriously damage the relationship with the ILs.

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Maybe. But from OP’s posts it sounded to me as though the photoshoot is BiL’s idea thrown in at the last minute with him taking time off work? And MiL’s been left scrambling trying to get OP’s family up in time because she’d like them in it rather than being the organizer who didn’t consider them and doesn’t care.

But it’s hard to know as OP has provided more rant than detail (which is somewhat understandable when you’re hassled and about to drive up to Scotland with two small children).

ConnieSlow · 13/04/2025 17:31

What has your dh said?

londongirl12 · 13/04/2025 17:34

Why are you dealing with this and not DP/DH??

Herewegoagain84 · 13/04/2025 17:36

ZZGirl · 13/04/2025 15:43

Why aren't you flying?

How is that any of your business?!

nomas · 13/04/2025 17:41

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/04/2025 17:22

Stating the obvious! Only the BIL knows the answer to that doesn't he?

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Your post doesn’t make any sense? Who is stating the obvious?

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 17:51

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/04/2025 16:59

You can't be in every photo, so missing this one because of travelling is understandable.

Being left out would be them arranging it without your knowledge, but they wanted you there, just plans dont allow.

Your reaction does make you sound difficult.

No one ever knows 100% when they'll arrive at their destination, but you give a eta with a caveat about transport & stops etc.

To say you don't know comes off as rude.

If people knew an estimate, they could run errands and be back in time.

Hang on, they did arrange it without the OP's knowledge?! You have spectacularly missed the point!

And no, the OP does not sound "difficult" at all. Her annoyance is justified.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 17:53

Quiceinalifetime · 13/04/2025 17:02

Keep your cool OP. You could message the parents and the BIL together saying something like: 'That's really sad that we won't be included in the family photoshoot. It would have meant a lot to us. Perhaps when planning the day you weren't aware quite how long our journey is going to be. Even if we leave at 8am we can't possibly arrive before 3pm and maybe later if there's a problem on the roads or if the children are ill or fractious and need to stop for a bit. To get to you by midday we would have to get up at 4 and leave at 5. Then we would probably arrive looking exhausted and awful!
Please change the photoshoot if you can, we'd really appreciate it. xxx

TBH I wouldn't bother my arse. Let them get on with it. Why would the OP want a photo of her bloody ILs which no doubt she would be expected to display? I wouldn't! The only photos I'm in with my in-laws are my wedding photos and I'd have preferred not to have them then either!!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 17:55

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/04/2025 17:07

No, it would be arranging it and going ahead with it without OP knowing, only to see photos on the wall after.

BIL arranged it, maybe as a suprise, maybe didn't think it through, maybe under pressure from in-laws, maybe only time photographer available, we don't know.

Didn't take it as them having the photoshoot because they're annoyed, but because it's already been booked and keeping OP up to date.

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That's absolute nonsense.

The OP's family were only an afterthought at best. They should have been consulted with prebooking. Surprise my arse - doesn't everyone dress up for such photos and this family were not prepared for that?!

Stop making excuses for the ILs' behaviour. There's no excuse.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 17:56

Ener · 13/04/2025 17:09

Why are you saying you won’t go now? You didn’t even know about the photographs and suddenly you’re ’left out’

She does now, and she is!!!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 17:59

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/04/2025 17:21

The plans were loosely made over a couple of weeks ago.....

No psychic powers needed to see that loosely made plans are not set in stone either. 🙄
They may have thought OP was leaving the evening before or early morning, only they know.

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Maybe they could have used their words and you know, asked?

Do you live in Scotland, by any chance?

Motheroffive999 · 13/04/2025 17:59

They sound very selfish and I think it's absolutely ridiculous, it's such a long way , you have 2 little ones and you will not feel like having photos done , I am sure they wouldn't either if the situation was reversed.
Stay at home 🏡 tell them to stuff it.

dimsiaradcymraeg · 13/04/2025 17:59

I might be missing the point but driving up at 5am has always worked for us. Kids are still sleepy, roads are super quite and you could be there by lunchtime depending on where you’re heading. Then you get an afternoon of activities and kids then over the drive and ready for bed at a normal time. Winner winner

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 18:01

RawBloomers · 13/04/2025 17:30

Maybe. But from OP’s posts it sounded to me as though the photoshoot is BiL’s idea thrown in at the last minute with him taking time off work? And MiL’s been left scrambling trying to get OP’s family up in time because she’d like them in it rather than being the organizer who didn’t consider them and doesn’t care.

But it’s hard to know as OP has provided more rant than detail (which is somewhat understandable when you’re hassled and about to drive up to Scotland with two small children).

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You've no idea how far ahead this has been planned. I'm presuming that the BIL booked the shoot and took the day off work to accommodate it.

I'd be ranting too in the OP's shoes. It's a shitshow.

TheEllisGreyMethod · 13/04/2025 18:01

Really hard to tell as you haven't provided enough detail but you said loose plans so I don't think it's unreasonable to assume you could come a bit earlier. As in the day before.
Half your issue seems to be you wouldn't look good which is frankly beyond selfish, you live along way away they are excited to see you and your kids. That's more important that your bloody hair. Every time we see our in laws there are sooo many photos as we love away.
And to throw your toys out the pram and cancel the trip over this is ridiculous and simply depriving your children of that relationship.
I also don't think you can cry about being left out when you're the one who cancelled it.
Drama and queen spring to mind.

lessglittermoremud · 13/04/2025 18:02

What does your DH say about it all, surely he’s still wanting to go and see his family even if the photo shoot is finished by the time you get there?

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 18:05

TheEllisGreyMethod · 13/04/2025 18:01

Really hard to tell as you haven't provided enough detail but you said loose plans so I don't think it's unreasonable to assume you could come a bit earlier. As in the day before.
Half your issue seems to be you wouldn't look good which is frankly beyond selfish, you live along way away they are excited to see you and your kids. That's more important that your bloody hair. Every time we see our in laws there are sooo many photos as we love away.
And to throw your toys out the pram and cancel the trip over this is ridiculous and simply depriving your children of that relationship.
I also don't think you can cry about being left out when you're the one who cancelled it.
Drama and queen spring to mind.

That's a very different interpretation to mine and I disagree wholeheartedly.

It's not "ridiculous" to want to look nice for a staged family photo! A lot of us would buy a new outfit, have our hair/make-up done, not hop out of a car after an 8 hour journey that's left you wrecked. Wise up!

If the ILs had really wanted the OP's family in the photos, they would have checked in advance especially if the plans were "loose"!!!