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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

506 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
AprilBunny · 13/04/2025 08:33

I wouldn’t say anything but I would completely pull out of the hen do and still go to the party unless she uninvites you to that. The fact that the other bridesmaids witness the legal ceremony would really bug me. Do they all live local to the bride?

Evaka · 13/04/2025 08:34

I would ask her for a chat and try to get a sense of what's happened. I wouldn't be remotely bothered that the legal bits are done in advance, but if it was a bit of a day out with the other bridesmaids and families? Very odd.

I know it's awkward to ask why you weren't included in something but there's only one way to find out.

IntheSpaghetti · 13/04/2025 08:35

That is very hurtful, considering the other bridesmaids and family attended. I would message and ask why.

WimpoleHat · 13/04/2025 08:35

Gosh - this sounds odd. Like @AprilBunny, I wondered if it was because you live a long way away and she didn’t feel it was fair to ask you come for another occasion. But what’s the reasoning behind the “two weddings” thing? Is it a cultural thing for the bride or groom? Is she pregnant? Seems a strange way to do things.

Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:36

Reply @AprilBunny - yes, they’re all local. I’m thinking that perhaps she didn’t invite me as it would be a journey for me, but one I would have been more than happy to make - she had a very important personal ceremony some years ago and I travelled for that.

OP posts:
ichifanny · 13/04/2025 08:36

Why do people do this nonesense with weddings and expect people to fawn over their weddings you get one day anything else is a waste of peoples time and money . I’d be offended too OP , very strange behaviour from your friend .

BlondeMummyto1 · 13/04/2025 08:36

I wouldn’t say anything but I’d pull out of anything that’s going to cost you a lot of money. It’s pointless really.

Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:37

Thanks @IntheSpaghetti - I think I will do this, just planning what/how to say it. I don’t want to make this about me but I am hurt.

OP posts:
AprilBunny · 13/04/2025 08:37

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:36

Reply @AprilBunny - yes, they’re all local. I’m thinking that perhaps she didn’t invite me as it would be a journey for me, but one I would have been more than happy to make - she had a very important personal ceremony some years ago and I travelled for that.

It could be the local thing but it would have been nice to be asked as you are also a bridesmaid.

Mindymomo · 13/04/2025 08:37

Really strange behaviour in my opinion, what did you say when you were told she was having a legal ceremony the next day. I think you need a face to face meet up before spending any more time and money on this.

Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:38

ichifanny · 13/04/2025 08:36

Why do people do this nonesense with weddings and expect people to fawn over their weddings you get one day anything else is a waste of peoples time and money . I’d be offended too OP , very strange behaviour from your friend .

I do agree with you on this @ichifanny - I had a hen do and one wonderful wedding day. My nearest and dearest, including the Bride, saw my DH and I making a commitment to each other and then we had a knees up. Job done!

OP posts:
lemonwrighty · 13/04/2025 08:40

I would have a chat to see exactly what’s happened. A lot of people do get married prior to their “wedding” just because they can’t legally get married where their venue is. But if it is the case that she did invite all bridesmaids, groomsmen apart from you then I think it’s quite disrespectful and I’d pull out the hen and the wedding all together. You’re not spoiling the friendship, she is. Your DH is right to be angry on your behalf and I would be too.

Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:40

Evaka · 13/04/2025 08:34

I would ask her for a chat and try to get a sense of what's happened. I wouldn't be remotely bothered that the legal bits are done in advance, but if it was a bit of a day out with the other bridesmaids and families? Very odd.

I know it's awkward to ask why you weren't included in something but there's only one way to find out.

Same - if it had just been the Bride, Groom and a witness or witnesses (no idea how many you need) then fine - but this sounds like, well, a wedding.

OP posts:
Drivingmissrangey · 13/04/2025 08:41

OP it sounds like you are making a bigger deal out of it than the bride is. It’s very common if marrying abroad for people to have a small legal ceremony followed by a meal but typically the bride and groom see the big celebration day as their actual wedding day. It’s often hardly mentioned because it’s not the important bit for them.

Odd she didn’t mention it but if people start travelling from far and wide it makes it into a much bigger deal.

Daffodilsarefading · 13/04/2025 08:41

This is the trap people fall into when booking a celebrant. It isn’t legal.
Only a registrar can legally marry you in England ( or a vicar if it’s in a church.) sounds like she has been taken in by the celebrant who has then casually mentioned the bride and groom will still need to have a legal ceremony.
I would feel hurt too if I were you. I suppose the bride and groom have to go along with this now they have paid out ££££ for the celebrant, and probably didn’t want to spend ££££ on the actual legal ceremony.
I wouldn’t do anything in haste.
Think about it and maybe pull out if the hen do if it won’t damage your friendship.
Not a good situation to be in, I don’t envy you.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 13/04/2025 08:42

BlondeMummyto1 · 13/04/2025 08:36

I wouldn’t say anything but I’d pull out of anything that’s going to cost you a lot of money. It’s pointless really.

Agree. I wouldn't be forking out a lot of money when she didn't care about you being there for her actual wedding.

nobodywantsit · 13/04/2025 08:42

I can understand feeling hurt about missing out. How far apart do you live? Was it just that local people came? Maybe she didn’t want to expect you to travel for something that is just the legal bit. The others live nearby.

it sounds like she doesn’t consider that to be her proper wedding, just the legal bit and you are heavily involved in the main event so I definitely don’t think I’d be pulling out or causing a rift over it. I think you’re unreasonable calling her wedding ceremony and reception a party. For her this is the event she wants to celebrate with all her friends and family.

You could let her know you’d have come if you’d known and see what she says.

Newgirls · 13/04/2025 08:42

You need to ask her. You’re clearly an important friend to her so don’t rush to cut her out. Distance might be a factor. The women might have invited themselves along for all we know. DHs aren’t always the best judge of these situations

Ketryne · 13/04/2025 08:42

I don’t think having a legal ceremony separate to the main wedding is that unusual and it wouldn’t change how I felt about the big wedding in the summer. If the legal one was just family, again I wouldn’t mind, but the fact that the other bridesmaids were there would be really upsetting. Are the others all local? Do you think she just thought you wouldn’t want to travel twice?

I think it’s ok to ask her gently why she didn’t tell you till after, but only if you think you can accept her answer without going on the defensive. And speaking from experience, you will need to avoid emphasising how hurt you are in your initial conversation until you know the full story. I went in all guns blazing with a friend when I felt hurt about something and she actually had a really valid reason, but I’d already soured things.

Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:42

Drivingmissrangey · 13/04/2025 08:41

OP it sounds like you are making a bigger deal out of it than the bride is. It’s very common if marrying abroad for people to have a small legal ceremony followed by a meal but typically the bride and groom see the big celebration day as their actual wedding day. It’s often hardly mentioned because it’s not the important bit for them.

Odd she didn’t mention it but if people start travelling from far and wide it makes it into a much bigger deal.

They’re not marrying abroad @Drivingmissrangey. The registry office is in their town which is in another part of the UK to me.

OP posts:
AprilBunny · 13/04/2025 08:42

So do you feel upset not to be invited the legal ceremony or that the actual wedding isn’t legal?

Postitnotess · 13/04/2025 08:43

Don’t pay anything towards the hen do.

Hillarious · 13/04/2025 08:43

Who are the other bridesmaids? Close family members who live close?

DH was best man at a wedding party seven months after the legal ceremony, which he hadn’t attended.

Housemattin · 13/04/2025 08:45

It sounds a bit like she compartmentalised. Had some local people come who all knew each other. Hurtful though especially if you've been arranging the hen party.

Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:46

Absolutely @Ketryne - I haven’t said anything as of yet and honestly may never do. Our friendship is important to me. I would never go in all guns blazing as a) it’s not my way and b) I don’t want to upset her or make this all about me, it’s her thing. I might just have to sit on my feelings really and just enjoy the hen do and summer celebration.

OP posts: