Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

[Cheesehound]

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

Is this really a thing @ConstanceM? Am horrified tbh, if so.

Could you please explain?

It is very important to know for MN users, thank you.

Omg! Maybe you should call the police and report this "fraud" 😂

(disclaimer: I haven't read all 5 pages of comments) I don't understand why the OP wants to continue the friendship after she's been dumped on so spectacularly. If this bride really was a friend she would have said something. Get rid and move on.

I for one am happy to learn about what seems to be a new development in weddings - the pre wedding ceremony legal wedding. It seems to be pretty common.

There seems to be a number of constructed narratives that are launched by admin burner accounts. They are never quite too risky but enough to stimulate a discussion and debate. It absolutely makes sense to do this to drive clicks and to sustain the website, that's why it's important not to get embroiled in a psycho drama that lacks validity. I can't prove this but I have my suspicions.

I've wondered this an awful lot lately about some of the threads on MN. I've been here donkey's years on and off, and there is definitely something happening more and more recently which is a certain sort of thread that always goes a certain sort of way.

It reminds me of the sort of stories that pop up on my FB feed from pages like Five minute crafts and Bored Panda etc. These stories always involve someone behaving outrageously, or finding out some hidden family secret or there is a tricky personal dilemma going on, but they never ring quite true. Often the OP posts a long story full of loads of detail then simply never comes back.

You've absolutely nailed it. Especially when the OP fails to update or reply, they instigate then they disappear. Very sus.

Except, on this thread, the OP HAS been back to the thread.

Not once or twice, but 28 times over the first couple of days.

So it doesn't really fit with your conspiracy theories.

I didn't make any reference to this thread though, and I agree this one doesn't fit that brief. I was just responding to the person who mentioned those 'click driver' type threads which always feel a bit contrived and inauthentic. It's just that I'd noticed exactly the same thing myself quite a bit recently.

No aspersions cast on this OP by me.

Then it’s not a wedding. Weddings are where people get married. And the legal bit is where a couple make their meaningful vows in their own words to each other before the authorised person and in an official meaningful ceremony and it’s where they exchange rings. That’s the bit guests find brings tears to the eyes. Brides can wear their full gear, get walked in by Dad, have bridesmaids, music playing …they just can’t stay for food and dancing

A do for a married couple is just a celebration party .

I’m fascinated by the vehemence of the opinions on this thread and what they say about cultural attitudes to marriage. In France and Belgium, for example, the separation of church and state is so strict that the only way to be legally married is to have a civil ceremony at la mairie, followed by whatever religious or secular wedding celebration the couple wish to have. This is so normal that this thread would be completely baffling to anyone French.

In comparison, the existence of a state church here means that the prevailing cultural norm sees no distinction between a marriage and a wedding, although of course anyone from a faith other than CofE / Judaism / Quakerism who wants a religious wedding knows all about this. I wonder if the angrier responses who consider it downright fraudulent to separate the legal marriage from the wedding celebration realise that they are the unification of church and state personified - or, at least, a bellwether of the depth to which this cultural attitude has cut through. Fascinating stuff.

So, you would cry at a basic civil ceremony with no exchange of rings, where the couple basically say there are no legal impediments to marriage, but would be po faced to be at an event where the bride and groom got to have the wedding they want? With meaningful vows said to each other? Where the exchange of rings happen? Where the only thing missing is a declaration that they can be legally married to each other? That's just bizarre! The legal bit is just a contract.

@justteanbiscuits The legal bit is just a contract.

I wish people would stop saying this.

The marriage contract is the basis of the relationship.

Marriage offers several legal protections and benefits compared to cohabiting, particularly regarding property, finances, and inheritance. These include rights to the family home, shared assets, and inheritance from your spouse upon their death, along with potential tax benefits and ease of parental responsibility arrangements

The legal basis is a contract between two people. The legal requirement for vows is that you are freely and legally allowed to marry. There is no honouring or obeying, or death do we part etc.

The requirement of vows is:

I declare that I know of no legal reason why I (full names) may not be joined in marriage to (full names).

And

I (full names) take you (full names) to be my wedded wife/husband.

That's it. Plus a wet signature on the contract Nothing of love or sentiment. It's a contract in order to receive certain legal protections.

You find it sus that an OP doesn’t come back to respond? I’m sorry I didn’t realise once you’ve posted on here you must sit and watch it constantly for updates.
People have a life, and work and possibly family.
They're not going update just to satisfy you

@justteanbiscuits You are mistaken - there are alternatives:

Choice C

• Declaratory words
• I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I (full names) may not be joined in matrimony to (full names).
• Contracting words
• I call upon these persons here present to witness that I (full names) do take thee (full names) to be my lawful wedded wife/husband. I promise to care for you, to give you my love and friendship and to respect you and cherish you throughout the rest of our lives together.

And the legal bit is where a couple make their meaningful vows in their own words to each other before the authorised person and in an official meaningful ceremony and it’s where they exchange rings.

The LEGAL vows are "there's no reason we can't marry and I take them as my spouse". There does NOT have to be any rings swapped and they don't have to make the more wordy vows which include loving and respecting each other. They just have to confirm they can marry and sign the paperwork

The legal bit is, in essence, the same as signing a new job contract or the deeds to a house

You can do the legal bit entirely separately from any of the "romantic" bits

At most weddings you won't see the legal bit, other than the legal vows being hidden in the much more meaningful words, as the bride, groom and witnesses will go off into another room to sign everything whilst the guests sit there waiting.

But those aren't the DEFAULT and are more likely to be chosen by a couple who are ONLY having the legal wedding rather than a couple who are having a full wedding elsewhere

The marriage contract is the basis of the relationship.

You can have a long term relationship without marriage. You can put in place a cohabitation agreement to offer some legal protections or you could enter into a civil partnership rather than a marriage.

Marriage is, indeed, at its core merely a legal contract between 2 people which offers some legal protections.

It's why couples might live together for years and only marry when one becomes ill to give their partner some legal rights.

Are you saying their years together are not a relationship because they didn't sign the paperwork until later?

They ARE the default. Literally. Every ceremony has to contain this (though the wording can be a bit fluffier). Anything else included is just for niceness. No other reason.

They're what my husband and I had as our vows. 25 years ago I didn't think of the option of having a separate quickie registry office ceremony followed by the wedding we would have liked. We had a civil ceremony in a hotel as that seemed, at the time, to be out only real option. But we'd have LOVED to have something that was more meaningful to us, using people that knew and cared about us, and in a place that meant something to us.

I am not mistaken. You can say, basically, what ever else you want, as long as the basic legal vow is included. You're not understanding that while there are other options, they only need to include the basic legal statements.

I'm not sure why you're arguing with me..

I was pointing out to that poster, who shared the version of legal vows which included the line about love and care, that those aren't the default legal vows and that people are only likely to chose that if it's the only vows they are making

It doesn’t have to be that basic. That’s my point. My sons were married in the registry office. The brides wore their bridal dresses, there were bridesmaids and they were walked in to the waiting groom by Dad. They had written their vows themselves. The registrar included the legally required bit but made they their own promises too. They are not restricted to just the declaration of no impediment. Then they exchange rings and are told to kiss the bride. They had 40 guests. Granny wept . It’s a beautiful building and the photos on the fancy staircase, in the other rooms and even in the registry office itself are stunning. Then we went on to a venue to eat for one, and the other didn’t want anything more and went home. Kind of mirrored my own weddings..the first was basic us and in-laws for witnesses, because I really didn’t want to get married, and my second had guests and onward celebrations. It was very like the weddings at licensed venues in hotels that I’ve been to, but numbers are more restricted.

But that's not the same thing...

Grow up