Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

[Cheesehound]

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

You are entirely missing my point. I have not said that you're restricted to the bare minimum. Just that that is all that is needed. People who say it's not a wedding unless they witness the legal vows which are full of love. The legal requirement isn't. Add what ever the hell you want, but you only HAVE to have the legal bits.

I totally understand, it all seems so deceitful and that you were deliberately excluded from arrangements. Time for an honest discussion

Easier said than done I know but I would really try not to take it too personally OP.
I know when I was getting married my head was all over the place and I was never sure what the right etiquette was. I felt like such an imposition asking people to do things like wedding dress shopping etc and sort of forgot what an honour it actually is to be asked to be involved and how much people actually want to do things. It was a "me" problem rather than a them problem.
As you said you are already spending a lot on her hen do and she may feel she's asking a lot already.
I'm wondering did the other 2 bridesmaids bring their partners as guests or are they joint friends with both the bride and groom? Maybe they are couple friends and that seemed the easiest fairest way to keep it small. Perhaps they wanted to keep it as small as possible and panicked closer to the time that they didn't want to have noone there.
What I'm trying to say is I can see why you would be hurt but I imagine it is totally innocent and I really hope it doesn't impact what is obviously a good friendship long term. Good luck and I hope you do continue to enjoy all the rest of the celebrations.

You're not being unreasonable for feeling hurt but you've already explained her reason without realizing it: You said the other two lived closer while you live far away. That's probably the only reason and she probably thought she was doing you a kindness not putting you in the position of having to decline an invitation or pay travel expenses twice for what sounds like more of a courthouse thing. Maybe they needed to be married by a certain time for some legal reason, maybe they wanted their anniversary to be a certain day but couldn't pull off the wedding they wanted in time, maybe this was just easier for some reason. One of my siblings did this too after she met someone on a college trip to the Netherlands (from Canada) so they had to get married right away so she didn't get booted from the country.

Just a communications breakdown.

Message her, tell her you're really sad you missed her big day and ask her why she didn't ask you to come too, I bet she'll tell you what I just wrote and she'll feel bad she accidentally hurt your feelings. It really sounds like a big accident. Ask her what she wants to do in terms of the side parties that normally go with a wedding and go from there. It sounds like she might want a big to do and I bet it will be awesome. :)

I had a friend do something similar. I found out after the fact that she got married during spring break and claimed “I didn’t think anyone would come”. I just told her “I’m sorry you underestimated our friendship by thinking I wouldn’t want to be there. And unfortunately I apparently overestimated our friendship by presuming you would at least tell me it was happening after implying you wanted me involved. Thank you for confirming where I stand.” We still talk now and then, but it’ll never be the same.

I wouldn’t go! I’d tell her that as you weren’t invited to the legal wedding ( when others were) that you cant justify the huge expense and upheaval to attend a party.