Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

[Cheesehound]

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

@roses2 It’s not a new concept to me - I’ve been to celebrations where the couple have got married legally in a registry office beforehand. I think you’re missing the point of the thread - it being that I am a bridesmaid and I wasn’t invited to it but the others were.

My good friend did this. I think the initial idea was a very low key registry office then the big wedding a few weeks later, but it all ended up a bit muddled and the registry office bit had a dress, flowers, fancy lunch for about 15. She plastered it all over Facebook.

when the ‘actual’ wedding came around, they had lots of people drop out, quite a few came in super casual clothes, far fewer gifts etc. People were genuinely of the mind that it was an informal celebration, not the big ‘actual’ wedding. She was gutted, and really quite cross with the drop outs, but honestly I can understand it!

So you thought the summer date was her wedding day

ss most people would for a wedding

and now she’s actually married but then having a fake wedding/party in a few months

I would be pissed off as she asked you to be bm and all the other bm were there

does seem a bit fake to me to do both

what’s the point of A celebrant if they can’t marry you /are married already

just to have a big party ?

then tell people that - wonder if other guests going think they are seeing. Wedding

No issue with having a private ceremony and a party afterwards. I hate all eyes being on me so we will be doing the same. But having the meal with the rest of the bridesmaids is odd.

If you're as close as you say, can't you just ask her why you weren't invited to that?

Feeling like a mug & wanting to know what’s going on isn’t ’making it all about you’. Stop being so wet.

If the b&g decide to separate the marriage from the party - that’s up to them. But they need to be honest about it. And I would have expected her to have at least discussed it with you, if not invited you. The fact it was all kept quiet - probably a separate chat - would majorly piss me off.

I definitely would not be organising a hen-do for someone who was already married. That is really pointless. And I don’t think I would drag my DH & DC across the country for a fake wedding either.

Only 2?

Those were there as witnesses.

It wasn't "let's leave Cheese out maliciously"

It was "we need to do this legal bit which we don't care about. We need 2 witnesses and these 2 bridesmaids are here so they'll do."

They might have then insisted their families had to attend. Might have booked the meal as bride didn't care.

The legal bit needing doing WAS mentioned. You didn't take it in or ask so maybe they felt you didn't care about that bit

I thought there was going to be like 8 bridesmaids and you left out. 2 makes complete sense

This may have LEGALLY married them but they don't see it as their WEDDING

They didn't even have any family there

Are the bride and groom’s parents alive, I’m asking as they weren’t at the legal ceremony, nor any siblings or any of the groom’s friends?
There were two witness (albeit bridesmaids) and their families.

Well, obviously you’re not a bridesmaid any more as the wedding has already happened.

So I would be telling her that as the wedding has already happened you’ll be attending the after party but obviously there’s no longer need for a hen do, dresses and makeup etc. Because it’s just a party now.

This getting married before and then having a party is weird and attention seeking.

If someone posted on MN that a family member was getting married, and they’d only been invited to the evening do and not the actual wedding people would say it’s rude and t not go. This is no different. They’re married. The party isn’t a wedding, it’s a party. I’m assuming she’s going to tell everyone that they’ve been married for months? Because if not then she’s just a pathetic attention seeker.

Thanks - I don’t think there’s a need to call me ‘wet’. I’m trying to safeguard my own feelings as much as my friends. I don’t want anyone to be upset. I don’t want to blow anything out of proportion. I’m considering different perspectives before I have a conversation with her. Just because I’m not blowing up her phone with pissed off messages doesn’t mean I’m a wimp.

@AprilBunny Both sets of parents are alive and well - neither set were there. One lives locally and one further away.

Definitely worth a conversation with bride. Sounds like bride and groom parents and siblings weren't there so perhaps more low key than it sounds. Possibly more than bride expected/wanted.

I would say something like I totally understand doing the legal bit ahead of time but I'm a bit gutted that the other two bridesmaids and their families were invited but I wasn't.

Then I'd carry on with everything else as normal.

I can see this was a shock to you and you feel hurt as the other two bridesmaid were there but honestly I don’t think it was anything other than the legal ceremony and two witnesses. I don’t think there was any intention to hurt you. They only picked two people (plus their families).
The fact that parents weren’t there is massive I think.

OP it’s not normal behaviour. If it was, she wouldn’t have kept is secret from you. She didn’t tell you because she knew you’d be upset (and rightly so). So she avoided it. And she’s now expecting you to as well. It’s frankly bonkers to be planning a wedding and getting bridesmaids to organise a hen do etc and then to pop up with ‘suprise! We got married today and half of the wedding party came too! looking forward to the second phase where I include you!’
And just for context, my mum got married last weekend and didn’t invite me, even though I had been helping her to plan it. She had my step sister as witness. People do some very peculiar things and expect you to be ok with it. I also asked mumsnet about it because I was feeling really hurt by it and it turned into a pile on where loads of people were telling me I was an awful daughter who should respect her choices and that it was ‘just a piece of paper’ and ‘just a normal lunch’ that they had.

The fact that it was all hush hush and you were obviously left out of a different chat all about it, I would be seriously reevaluating the friendship.
However, if you’d been involved in the talk about it and it was all upfront, that would be different.
I would feel well and truly snubbed and a bit like sod you, I’m not going to bother thanks.

I totally understand how you feel and sympathise.
I would be upset too, and it would colour how I felt about the party later on in the summer.
What's the point of having a hen do now though ? I think it's barmy.
However hard it is though I would have to have a word with her about it though.💐

Some of you are just being vile and trying to get the OP to actually cause a fight with Bride when bride probably didn't see this as anything other than registering a birth or death.

Do you not go to a funeral because the legal bit was done in private? Or a baptism/christening because the baby was registered without you?

Are there other groomsmen?

I’d be hurt too
i would totally pull away from absolutely everything and not go tbh,especially as you were paying towards the hen do
she’s really not a good friend.
let her other bridesmaids pay and deal with everything as they are awful too knowing they were all going and keeping it a secret
it’s hurtful and you’ve every right to feel completely upset and I’d message her saying so too and end the friendship

This same thing happened to DH as best man. Wasn't invited to the legal bit but to the party abroad. It cost us ££££ and we didn't know about the legal bit literally days earlier until we were fully committed to going to the party abroad. DH and I work in the same town where they did the legal bit. Could even have popped out of work for an hour if we'd been told! The party abroad felt very flat and to this day DH doesn't know why he wasn't invited to the legal wedding. Honestly some people have no idea how their actions make others feel worthless.

@AprilBunny No, just the one who went yesterday.

Some of the replies here are mind blowing. Calling the actual marriage "the legal bit" and the sham of a pretence later "the wedding"?

It's the legal bit that's the wedding! A wedding is a marriage ceremony ie the "legal bit".

OP I would be very hurt in your shoes and I would have to have a conversation with the bride to find out what had happened and why I had been excluded.

I don't think that's making it all about you, you were supposed to be included and your feelings matter as well.

I wouldn’t spend a cent to attend a reenactment.

I agree with others that it was a distance thing but she should have asked. I bet the parents weren't happy either!

You see her as a close friend

She sees you as staff..

Back way and spend your money on a trip for your own family.
You have missed the wedding no need to fork out anything now...