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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

506 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
Never2many · 13/04/2025 10:02

AprilBunny · 13/04/2025 09:50

I can see this was a shock to you and you feel hurt as the other two bridesmaid were there but honestly I don’t think it was anything other than the legal ceremony and two witnesses. I don’t think there was any intention to hurt you. They only picked two people (plus their families).
The fact that parents weren’t there is massive I think.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh come on. Legal ceremony earlier in the day because the venue don’t do weddings and then the wedding breakfast later in the day, fine, and understandable.

Secret legal ceremony followed by a party several months later during which time bride still wants bridesmaids, hen do’s, dresses, makeup etc, and where the guests are oblivious to the fact they’re not actually attending a wedding. Not fine.

My BIL and his DW got married during COVID, so they had a small ceremony at a registry office which just their parents and kids were at. They then had a wedding celebration some months down the track. But the difference was that everyone knew they were married and that this was a celebration of their wedding, as opposed to it being a fake wedding where people didn’t know.

MsSquiz · 13/04/2025 10:03

roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:31

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill, I've been to several weddings like this and also had one myself as DH is not from the UK.

There is the legal bit where everyone wears nice clothes, goes to the registry office, signs the papers and goes for a meal with a small group of people.

Then there is the "wedding day" where everyone gets dressed up in bridal wear, photographers, make up, large party etc.

I wouldn't be put out by her approach - completely normal.

I don’t think it is completely normal to ask say 4 women to be your bridesmaids for your wedding, but then only invite 3 of them plus their partners and kids to the “legal bit” and everyone keep it from the bridesmaid who wasn’t invited.

if it wasn’t a big deal, why not put it on a chat with all the bridesmaids? Or say to the 1 who lives further away “this is the plan for the legal bit, didn’t want you to feel like you have to travel for that as well as the big day, it’s just a formality”

a bit of consideration to a friend who is planning your hen do (which usually takes a decent amount of organising) would have been nice

Apreslapluielesoleil · 13/04/2025 10:03

So basically she’s expecting you to contribute financially towards a couple of parties she fancies having to celebrate herself?
I’d message didn’t realise you and X were already married. Congratulations from husband and me.
And then a second message backing out of hen do and second party.

Spend the money saved on yourself.

BlushingBrightly · 13/04/2025 10:04

OK so we're still in a cost of living crisis where people are really short of money, but at the same time having two wedding days is now 'normal'? Like hell it is. This is massively self indulgent when you're in a country like the UK that allows you to combine legal and religious ceremonies if you want or just to have a legal one - I appreciate that in some other countries the legal part always has to be separate. If you aren't even having a religious ceremony, this is ridiculous. I can't blame people who then decide to 'downgrade' the later party celebration.

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2025 10:05

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:46

Absolutely @Ketryne - I haven’t said anything as of yet and honestly may never do. Our friendship is important to me. I would never go in all guns blazing as a) it’s not my way and b) I don’t want to upset her or make this all about me, it’s her thing. I might just have to sit on my feelings really and just enjoy the hen do and summer celebration.

Well the friendship may be important to you...

I don't think now is the time to talk about it, but I do think you need to

And I would also be pulling out of arranging anything for her. Leave it to those who were invited

She's hurt you and you need an explanation. And unless it's a good one I would be quietly fading away...

MsSquiz · 13/04/2025 10:05

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 09:56

Some of you are just being vile and trying to get the OP to actually cause a fight with Bride when bride probably didn't see this as anything other than registering a birth or death.

Do you not go to a funeral because the legal bit was done in private? Or a baptism/christening because the baby was registered without you?

Well they’re 100% not the same thing.

A baptism is welcoming the child into the church, not registering their birth, a funeral is a celebration of life not the registering of their death.

A wedding is explicitly the legal joining of 2 people

Drivingmissrangey · 13/04/2025 10:06

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:42

They’re not marrying abroad @Drivingmissrangey. The registry office is in their town which is in another part of the UK to me.

Show quote history

Yes I get that but I was giving a very common example of exactly the same issue: the “wedding” isn’t legal so they need a legal ceremony of some sort.

Foreheadthing · 13/04/2025 10:07

Given that you're the person organising her hen do, I'd presume you to be the "chief" bridesmaid and find it really, really hurtful that you weren't asked to be there for the legal ceremony, whilst other bridesmaids who aren't helping out with the wedding were.

I would talk to your friend and ask what the thought process was behind this, but she's been quite cruel in my opinion. The least she could have done is let you know. To invite the others feels like she's purposely excluded you, even Iif that wasn't her intention.

I'd let her know your feelings are hurt by this, but give her the benefit of the doubt. Not worth losing a friendship over if it's just a difference of perception.

Sunshine1500 · 13/04/2025 10:09

it will just have been a local small day for the legal part. She’ll not have wanted many people knowing and taking the importance away from her unofficial ceremony and party. Some people value this day over the official marriage ceremony. I don’t think it’s personal. Try enjoy the hen and wedding. It be a shame to lose a friend.

grandnational · 13/04/2025 10:11

I haven't RTFT. If I were you - if it's a great friend, just assume there was a good reason for you not being invited. Perhaps they didn't want to put you out - you do live further away. The bride probably sees the celebration wedding as the real wedding.

If they're having something like a humanist wedding they do have to have a legal wedding beforehand.

They may not have wanted to pull a couple of witnesses off the street - which then makes you feel left out. But I would just set it aside. Don't let it eat at you. Situations like this are objectively awkward - people aren't always as good as they should be at managing them and communicating properly in a way that makes everyone feel valued and loved.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 13/04/2025 10:12

Just have a conversation with her. She probably thought it would be too much for you and to make the journey and thought she was being nice. She’s asked you to be a bridesmaid, don’t throw a friendship away over a silly misunderstanding.

Never2many · 13/04/2025 10:18

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 13/04/2025 10:12

Just have a conversation with her. She probably thought it would be too much for you and to make the journey and thought she was being nice. She’s asked you to be a bridesmaid, don’t throw a friendship away over a silly misunderstanding.

She’s demoted OP from being bridesmaid though. Because the wedding is over.

Someone dressing up in an expensive dress for a party isn’t a bridesmaid.

Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 10:18

Thanks all. I really appreciate all of your replies. I won’t be commenting further as I have to go out now and won’t have my phone with me until much later today. I will have a conversation with her - I do think it’s probably that she sees the ceremony in summer as ‘the’ wedding.

OP posts:
unbelieveable22 · 13/04/2025 10:19

Very strange behaviour.
The bride who you presumably have been in regular contact with, mentions the marriage the day before it happens. Plans had to be made well in advance, getting the dress, booking a venue for a meal and inviting her guests.
The other bridesmaids were aware as they were attending yet they didn't mention it in WhatsApp.
The behaviour from all would indicate you were deliberately excluded and of course you feel hurt.

Is it usual to have a hen do after the ceremony? Seems bizarre but gives you the perfect excuse to withdraw. You could put a comment saying as the marriage has now taken place having a hen do is unnecessary.
What you are being invited to is a party. BTW listen to your husband, he knows the dynamics and is less emotionally involved.

Marianwallace · 13/04/2025 10:19

Could it be that for whatever reason she’s done the legal bit separately, I don’t know if it’s the same everywhere but where I live you can have a maximum of 6 people, bride and groom, 2 witnesses, 2 guests , and the local bridesmaids were convenient, and then they wanted to bring partners, kids, and it grew unintentionally? Maybe she didn’t tell you because if people do this 2 weddings thing, unless it’s for religious or other specific reasons, lot of people see the big ‘main’ as less than, as pp have already mentioned.

thedancingclown · 13/04/2025 10:19

OP you are right to feel angry at this. Is it not just what the bride did but also how she did it. Yes, bride entitled to have a legal ceremony with local mates but she should have called you to explain.

Definitely pull out of any hen do arrangements\commitments and consider carefully if you actually want to go to the celebration party at all, by yourself or with the whole family.

XiCi · 13/04/2025 10:20

I think it's a huge overreaction and it's likely that she just wanted to save you a journey for what was a quick legal matter that even her own parents didn't attend. I also think that your DH has no right to be 'really angry' on your behalf. You say that he wasn't keen to travel all that way for the wedding in the first place so he is probably now using this as an opportunity to rile you up and fall out with your friend so you don't go. Convenient for him.

If she's like a a sister just call and say why didn't you ask me, I would have come. I'm sure she has a very reasonable explanation. You're her bridesmaid after all, on on the day she considers her big day. Don't let yourself be wound up by all the frothers on here and wreck a good friendship

PsychoDeMayo · 13/04/2025 10:20

I can understand you feeling left out and hurt OP. However, if there’s no other reason to think like she’s trying to cut you out then I don’t think she’s done this with any ill-will.

It sounds to me like they did the legal bit, but still see the wedding as the big event you thought it was. And then they’ve used it as an excuse to go out for some food with local friends, who just happen to be the other bridesmaids. Were the bridesmaids and their families all actually at the legal bit, or just out for the meal?

I remember going for dinner with one of my bridesmaids to celebrate picking my dress; she just happened to be with me that day and the others weren’t, it wasn’t any shade on them!

incidentally, I was at a wedding once where the bride and groom announced they were already legally married part the way through the ceremony. I think they thought it was going to be a big exciting reveal for everyone, but there were definitely a few eyebrows raised and people joking about why we all had to turn out today then if it’s not even a real wedding!

Anyway, if this is a dear friend and you’re close in all but geography, I’d be really surprised if she meant this as any slight on you. Tell her you’re sad you weren’t there if you like, but I don’t think any of this is worth falling out over.

LuellaB · 13/04/2025 10:27

Hi OP, I’m doing this later in the month before my wedding in June. My sole bridesmaid (my sister) won’t be there, and very likely the best man won’t either - it’ll just be us and a couple of witnesses. I have said to a few other friends “oh if you’re around”, but it’s very much please don’t go out of your way, the wedding (in a church in another country) is in six weeks and that’s the real thing. It does feel odd that it wasn’t at least mentioned at some point, although to be honest I’m not telling my dad’s side of the family about the separate legal wedding to avoid a full palaver. It’s possible she just didn’t want a fuss! And who knows, perhaps she intended it to be very small and the other bridesmaids wanted to bring kids.

Viviennemary · 13/04/2025 10:29

I would just opt out of the whole charade. What a total farce. She's not a friend.

PigletJohn · 13/04/2025 10:30

In some countries people have a religious service plus a registry office at the town hall, but AFAIK it is usually on the same day.

Ophy83 · 13/04/2025 10:30

Registry offices are very strict with numbers of people who can attend. It was a bit rubbish that you weren't told in advance, particularly as you are a bridesmaid, but I imagine she kept it local as to her the main wedding is still to come (even if this was the official one)

NoBodyIdRatherBe · 13/04/2025 10:36

She didn’t invite her own parents, I wouldn’t be offended. She just needed some witnesses so they made a bit of a day out of it.

SlagPit · 13/04/2025 10:39

AprilBunny · 13/04/2025 08:42

So do you feel upset not to be invited the legal ceremony or that the actual wedding isn’t legal?

A wedding is a ceremony at which two people get married. Getting married is a legal arrangement. Anything else is just a costume party - which is fine, but it isn't a wedding.

Hastentoadd · 13/04/2025 10:40

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

This is quite common, she probably didn’t ask you as she didn’t want to make a big deal of it and you don’t live close by.

I was at a friends wedding (church wedding abroad) a few years ago and she told me that they were already legally married before that, hadn’t heard anything about it previous to that comment

I wouldn’t be that upset by it, you will be going to the hen do and the ceremony did you really need another wedding related ceremony to added on top of that

I personally wouldn’t have asked you either as I would feel that it’s too much to expect people ( who especially don’t live close by) to go to another one of my wedding celebrations