Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

[Cheesehound]

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

@Hillarious - No, not family, just local friends and their partners and kids.

Brides and weddings - what a clusterfuck !

Does it really matter? It’s just saying words out loud. She’s done it once and you weren't there, the next time she’s doing it in front of more people and you’ll be at the big show version. Wedding ceremonies are all a load of silly nonsense if you think about it. Just don’t think about it.

I'm surprised people are telling you this is normal. It's really not normal to have a wedding months before with bridesmaids etc and then pretend to get married again months later and expect people to attend without question.

It's no wonder you're upset. I would do as others have said and pull back, make sure you're not spending money on pointless things like a hen do etc and I would reevaluate the friendship, it's very hurtful that she's left you out of the actual wedding day but still expects you to pretend to be her bridesmaid.

She could have given you the option! My BF got married in her home country (USA) and was going to have a party for UK friends later. I said I would love to see her married. She said I was very welcome, she just hadn't wanted UK friends to feel obliged.

You say she is like a sister to me but clearly YOU are not like a sister to her.

Pick up the phone, be an adult, don't text and ask her straight out if she got married and if so why were you not invited when the other hens were.

I think having the other bridesmaid’s families and DC there makes it really odd.

I would have a chat with her about this and get the full explanation but I can’t think of many scenarios that would result in me wanting to pay any money to go to her upcoming parties.

I feel the same. The more I think about it the more I feel pretty crap about it. At least ask me and if I couldn’t make it for whatever reasons ( money, time, kids etc) then at least I have felt considered.

I completely get why you're upset but I don't think it's occurred to her that anyone would feel as you do. I agree with you. I find it an odd thing to do but it's not that unusual. My best mate had a family wedding like this. She didn't know they'd already got married until the 'wedding'.

I think your mate was just thinking they have to do the legal bit and have a few mates there like it's no big deal, a local night out.

I reckon she doesn't think of it as being her wedding at all and wants you there for the big day.

If she's a close friend I would talk to her about it and not let it spoil the actual wedding event for you.

I know you're calling it the party but she isn't. To her, it is her big day.

Well it is that, not even being considered is the hurtful bit. Were the other bridesmaids in bridesmaid dresses for the 'legal bit' or the celebration?

Thanks @Windywuss and everyone who has commented - all do your replies are helping me to look at this from different perspectives.

Do talk to her about this. I think you need to hear her side. 15 years of friendship, you shouldn't be assuming the worst.

There is a good chance she doesn't consider the "legal bit" the wedding, just admin, and she didn't like to impose the trip on you on top of everything else you are doing. I think it's much more likely she was trying to save you a job than trying to exclude you.

I don’t think so @CaptainFuture - the Bride was in a very bridal looking white dress, that’s all I know.

One more thought OP, you mentioned you've been preoccupied lately with something personal. Any chance she was aware and avoiding adding pressure on you? People do all sorts of weird stuff with good intentions, thinking they know best. I do hope you can talk it out x

She’s treated you very unfairly, especially because you have been arranging her Hen Do which presumably involves a lot of work and coordination.

In your shoes It would make me feel uncomfortable knowing everyone one else who plays a key part in the wedding was at the “real” wedding apart from me, because surely all of the other people who went noticed.

I think I wouldn’t do anything that would cost a lot of money and I think I would pull back on arranging the Hen because she must think the other bridesmaids are a higher priority, let one of them finalise everything. I think your DH is right for not being bothered about the rest of the wedding. That’s how I would feel. It will be a non wedding and you will have a burning feel inside that you weren’t invited to the real thing, it all sounds expensive and pointless.

Oh, you got married! Was is great? I'm so sorry you didn't invite me! I would have come!

I'd say something like this, maybe a phone call, not nastily but pleased for her, eager to hear about it and saying what is true - that you would have gone for her. If you don't it will impact the relationship in a quite insidious way long term.

It is strange behaviour!
So they needed to get married legally before their actual wedding. Not an issue people need to do this sometimes. A work colleague did this, but her , her DH and two witnesses went to the register office to do so, no lies, no secrets, no odd behaviour. Their "wedding" was after this, they had a ceremony and reception.

If your close friends, you should be able to speak to her about it

It's more than likely she didn't want you to make the journey but its the hush hush surrounding it, especially if other bridesmaids went! That would really upset me too OP! She could have been honest and said we need to be married legally its on this day at this time how would you feel about travelling? Then at least you had the option and felt included even if you didn't go!

You could sit on it and continue as you were but would you always wonder? You don't have to be confrontational

Hope it goes ok OP!

I think you need to talk to your friend. Just express you were disappointed to find out that she had a wedding that you weren't invited to yet all the other bridesmaids were and were sad to have missed it.
She can't argue with how you feel about it, most she can do is say sorry and explain why (distance possibly being the main reason).
I would try not to let this spoil the rest of the 'wedding' arrangements.

It's the fact that all the other bridesmaids were going and kept it from you, and you weren't even asked. It's not on.

It wouldn’t bother me at all but I’m just not that bothered about other people’s weddings. People / mumsnet seem to be very invested in them so I think I’m in the minority, but it seems to cause so much upset and offence.

I can see both points of view, I can see why you’re hurt and from your posts it’s clear that you value the legal/ commitment part of the wedding. Some people don’t see this as particularly important, they see the legal bit as just a bit of bureaucracy and value the big celebration with all friends and family. It may be your friend didn’t think the legal bit was a big deal or that you would want to travel to see it. I understand why you wish you’d at least been invited, but on the other hand there are often posts on here from bridesmaids moaning about how much money they are being expected to fork out for weddings and how many different events the bride is expecting them to attend. The bride may have felt it would be cheeky to add another event and expense to her wedding plans and may have been worried you’d feel obliged to go if you were invited, she may have thought she was doing you a favour. She’s asked you to be a bridesmaid and included you in everything else so I wouldn’t think there was anything malicious in not inviting you to the legal bit, my guess would be she doesn’t value it as highly as the main summer event and that it didn’t even occur to her anybody would feel upset they didn’t get to see the boring legal bit.

@Cheesehound , although you are hurt I would let this pass for the sake of your friendship. DS is getting married soon and is having the legal ceremony a couple of days earlier. Only 8 people can attend. He wants that to be it and have a meal together afterwards. His fiancé wants to invite a lot of friends to celebrate…there are a million reasons why neither of them is wrong but planning these events is a bloody nightmare of decisions and it’s impossible to please everyone.

Enjoy the main event. I’m sure the one you are attending is considered that.

I think I would have to ask her why I got downgraded from bridesmaid to not invited at all.

Although I agree with this completely - there’s a bizarre idea that anyone can do a wedding ceremony in England and that simply isn’t the case and they casually mention ‘legal paperwork at the register office’ (ie actually getting married!) as an after thought.

However ….. you’d then expect the ceremony to be a basic statutory one where it’s just bride groom and 2 witnesses. So if she has really had all those guests there then why on earth couldn’t you have at least been invited? Are you certain they were all at the ceremony? If so I’m afraid I’d have to say something.

She could easily have said ‘look this is what we are doing. Totally don’t expect you to come but just wanted you to know if you were able it would be lovely if you came’