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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

506 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 09:10

Shaniva · 13/04/2025 08:59

Do talk to her about this. I think you need to hear her side. 15 years of friendship, you shouldn't be assuming the worst.

There is a good chance she doesn't consider the "legal bit" the wedding, just admin, and she didn't like to impose the trip on you on top of everything else you are doing. I think it's much more likely she was trying to save you a job than trying to exclude you.

@Shaniva - Yes, I am absolutely considering this being the reason. Thankyou. It does sound like something she will have thought about.

OP posts:
Horses7 · 13/04/2025 09:12

I’m so sorry you must be very hurt. This woman doesn’t see you as a friend in the same way as you see her and probably never will.
It would be enough for me to let the friendship go, I wouldn’t feel comfortable at the hen do or a wedding after being treated like this. I’m sure you’ve got better friends. Your husband is right to feel angry about how you’ve been treated.

NetZeroZealot · 13/04/2025 09:13

We had a legal wedding in registry office with a few friends and no family followed by a big traditional church blessing and reception a month later with a huge gang.

The non-legal church event was the bit I consider my actual wedding.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 13/04/2025 09:16

Drivingmissrangey · 13/04/2025 08:41

OP it sounds like you are making a bigger deal out of it than the bride is. It’s very common if marrying abroad for people to have a small legal ceremony followed by a meal but typically the bride and groom see the big celebration day as their actual wedding day. It’s often hardly mentioned because it’s not the important bit for them.

Odd she didn’t mention it but if people start travelling from far and wide it makes it into a much bigger deal.

She’s not getting married abroad. She’s in a different part of the UK to OP, and Op says she has travelled with no problem for other occasions.

RadFs · 13/04/2025 09:16

It’s not about how far she lives . It’s being left out and not being told about it. If it’s about distance leave it on the person to decide. This whole thing about not being told because you know the person won’t make it leaves a sour taste. It happens a lot in in friendship circles. I may not go to something but doesn’t mean you don’t tell me of your plans.

MistyMountainTop · 13/04/2025 09:20

I understand, on one occasion a group of friends made a decision not to invite me to something, like you, because they thought it was too far for me to travel (it certainly wasn't) I was very hurt and it added a level of wariness from me into the friendship from then on

Duckiess · 13/04/2025 09:23

Even if she couldn’t invite you or thought it would be too far, why didn’t she or the other bridesmaids tell you about it? What is she normally like with friends? Have you known her to cut people out or play favourites with other people?

Minnie798 · 13/04/2025 09:25

How many people attended the legal ceremony? You've never met the other bridesmaids , so won't know the dynamic of their relationship with the bride. Perhaps she has a closer friendship with them.

Gemmawemma9 · 13/04/2025 09:27

It’s weird. It’s weird that she wore hers wedding dress and had all the other bridesmaids there. If she didn’t want to inconvenience you, why not casually mention it? Sounds like she’s purposely kept it a secret.
I would be hurt too, OP.

roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:31

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill, I've been to several weddings like this and also had one myself as DH is not from the UK.

There is the legal bit where everyone wears nice clothes, goes to the registry office, signs the papers and goes for a meal with a small group of people.

Then there is the "wedding day" where everyone gets dressed up in bridal wear, photographers, make up, large party etc.

I wouldn't be put out by her approach - completely normal.

diddl · 13/04/2025 09:32

So she is married & is still to have a hen night & wedding celebrations?

I don't think I'd bother going now.

I think it's terrible that she didn't give you the choice.

Maybe it didn't mean anything to the bride but she can't expect others to feel the same or to spend time & money afterwards celebrating a past event.

TwentyTwentyFive · 13/04/2025 09:32

I wouldn't be put out by her approach - completely normal

It's really not normal for the whole wedding party to keep it hush hush that they are attending the ceremony.

AprilBunny · 13/04/2025 09:33

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:54

I feel the same. The more I think about it the more I feel pretty crap about it. At least ask me and if I couldn’t make it for whatever reasons ( money, time, kids etc) then at least I have felt considered.

Show quote history

Are you the only bridesmaid who isn’t local, do you think the others know each other? If so your friend may have different groups in her head and thought I’ll have my old school/local work friends watch me do the legal bit and it didn’t even occur to her to have her ‘faraway’ friend there.

Funnywonder · 13/04/2025 09:33

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:36

Reply @AprilBunny - yes, they’re all local. I’m thinking that perhaps she didn’t invite me as it would be a journey for me, but one I would have been more than happy to make - she had a very important personal ceremony some years ago and I travelled for that.

She didn’t give you the choice of travelling, assuming that was her reasoning. I would be incredibly hurt, especially as it was all effectively done in secret. Maybe I’m overly sensitive, but I wouldn’t be going to the hen do, party or anything else connected with it all.

Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 09:34

roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:31

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill, I've been to several weddings like this and also had one myself as DH is not from the UK.

There is the legal bit where everyone wears nice clothes, goes to the registry office, signs the papers and goes for a meal with a small group of people.

Then there is the "wedding day" where everyone gets dressed up in bridal wear, photographers, make up, large party etc.

I wouldn't be put out by her approach - completely normal.

@roses2 Were you a bridesmaid?

OP posts:
diddl · 13/04/2025 09:35

I don't think it's normal at all.

Also it sounds to me as if she could have had you there if she wanted to...

roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:35

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 09:34

@roses2 Were you a bridesmaid?

Show quote history

No I wasn't bridesmaid but I was close family:

  • I did this
  • my brother did this
  • BIL did this
  • several friends did this

I didn't go to any of the legal ceremonies except of course my own.

So for me this approach is normal.

Original poster
Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 09:36

Minnie798 · 13/04/2025 09:25

How many people attended the legal ceremony? You've never met the other bridesmaids , so won't know the dynamic of their relationship with the bride. Perhaps she has a closer friendship with them.

@Minnie798 - The Bride, Groom, 2 bridesmaids, their partners and kids and a groomsman/best man.

OP posts:
Funnywonder · 13/04/2025 09:36

roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:31

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill, I've been to several weddings like this and also had one myself as DH is not from the UK.

There is the legal bit where everyone wears nice clothes, goes to the registry office, signs the papers and goes for a meal with a small group of people.

Then there is the "wedding day" where everyone gets dressed up in bridal wear, photographers, make up, large party etc.

I wouldn't be put out by her approach - completely normal.

I don’t think the OP is upset by this approach. It’s more the fact that the legal ceremony involved all the other bridesmaids and not her. If she wasn’t close enough to her friend to be a bridesmaid, then it probably wouldn’t be an issue.

Bigfatsunandclouds · 13/04/2025 09:37

Lots of people do the legal wedding prior to the actual day, very low key but see the actual day as their wedding day! I honestly wouldn't worry, this isn't what they see as their 'wedding'.

TwentyTwentyFive · 13/04/2025 09:37

roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:35

No I wasn't bridesmaid but I was close family:

  • I did this
  • my brother did this
  • BIL did this
  • several friends did this

I didn't go to any of the legal ceremonies except of course my own.

So for me this approach is normal.

Edited
Show quote history

Did you all do it in secret though?

It's obvious this is normal in your family but this is not normal for most people.

AprilBunny · 13/04/2025 09:38

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 09:36

@Minnie798 - The Bride, Groom, 2 bridesmaids, their partners and kids and a groomsman/best man.

Show quote history

This is quite a small number, the bridesmaids were probably the witnesses. In my mind I was imagining four or so bridesmaids and all their families. So no parents, are they still alive?
Thinking about it, this is a shock to you but I think it was more of a two witness thing and she asked her local friends.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 13/04/2025 09:39

Bigfatsunandclouds · 13/04/2025 09:37

Lots of people do the legal wedding prior to the actual day, very low key but see the actual day as their wedding day! I honestly wouldn't worry, this isn't what they see as their 'wedding'.

It doesn't seem like it was all that low key, though.

The Bride, Groom, 2 bridesmaids, their partners and kids and a groomsman/best man. were there. OP is supposed to be a bridesmaid.

shewasasaint · 13/04/2025 09:39

roses2 · 13/04/2025 09:35

No I wasn't bridesmaid but I was close family:

  • I did this
  • my brother did this
  • BIL did this
  • several friends did this

I didn't go to any of the legal ceremonies except of course my own.

So for me this approach is normal.

Edited
Show quote history

You're missing the point.

Leaving one bridesmaid out and keeping it a secret from her is not normal. It is hurtful.

Crazybaby123 · 13/04/2025 09:41

It's weird she didn't mention it to you at all.
I understand there are reasons, perhaps she only paid for a very small registry office wedding, and just invited enough people to fill the slots, and it was not the 'wedding' for her but thr legal formality. But why not mention it??
Maybe call her and say you would have loved to have been there and ask why she didnt invite you. It might be a perfectly rational reason.