Page 8 | To think cheating is understandable if your partner lets themselves go completely?

MyFirmQuoter · 2025-04-12T15:04:45+00:00

Obviously cheating isn’t ideal but if someone stops trying - gains loads of weight, doesn’t shower regularly, doesn’t make any effort - is it really that shocking if their partner looks elsewhere? AIBU or just being honest about human nature?

Pinkissmart · 12/04/2025 18:30

Of course it's not understandable, OP. It's not mandatory to be in a relationship. People who are weak and have no moral fibre cheat. People who stay with a partner they no longer love or respect are also weak with no moral fibre ( unless there is DV- I appreciate there is nuance.)

I'm not sure what you're looking for, OP

PinkyFlamingo · 12/04/2025 18:32

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:15

Not at all, I don’t think love is just about the physical but I do think physical connection and mutual attraction matter in a long-term relationship.

If one partner completely stops making any effort - physically, emotionally, or even in basic self-care - it can start to feel like they’ve checked out. That doesn’t excuse cheating but I can understand how resentment or distance builds when the dynamic shifts that much. It’s more about the pattern of disconnection than just looks.

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Nope no justification at all for cheating. That's what ending the relationship first is for

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 12/04/2025 18:36

Divorce first then do what you want.

godmum56 · 12/04/2025 18:39

DustyLee123 · 12/04/2025 16:06

As pp said, leave don’t cheat.

This.

Actually that should go on the list wirh
penguin bollards
Ballonz
Burn the cheque

and all the other MN wisdom

MeliusMoriQuamServire · 12/04/2025 18:40

No. I divorced my ex for the exact same reason - he ballooned and became morbidly obese. No health issues, just ate lots of utter shit. Refused to stop, refused to lose weight. I'm not fucking a lard-arse, it's gross. Him huffing and puffing on top of me with sweat from his lard dripping on my face. No, thanks. I equally support a man who'd leave his fat wife. Gaining a bit of weight as you age is perfectly normal. Becoming size 18 or equivalent - is not. I didn't sign up for this.

However, I do understand why people cheat in certain situations. There was a thread from a woman the other day. Early 40s, she just decided that's it, her sex days are over, don't want it anymore, so won't have sex ever again and her husband should just suck it up. She herself said her husband is a kind, decent and supportive man, but she just doesn't want to have sex anymore.

In that case, I'd leave, personally. But I can understand if he'd cheat instead. And I wouldn't blame him.

User37482 · 12/04/2025 18:44

I think I can absolutely understand the temptation.

Most people have a family life etc which they may not want to let go of or upend but may feel apathy towards their partner for many reasons, I think the death of emotional intimacy is often the killer blow because if you lose your physical attraction to someone love is sometimes still enough. I can understand feeling let down in your marriage or feeling like there’s probably more out there.

I just think if it’s so bad it can’t be improved then it’s probably the time to leave.

housethatbuiltme · 12/04/2025 18:44

SalfordQuays · 12/04/2025 18:17

@housethatbuiltme I wonder if you’ve perhaps led a very sheltered life, but I can tell you that lack of self care does not always come hand in hand with MH problems. Some people just decide they can’t be bothered any more. Our personalities change as we go through life. Priorities change. Some people decide they don’t want to shower or clean their teeth more than once a week.

I knew someone who was a devout Christian, as was her husband. They were very conservative, didn’t swear, didn’t drink, spoke gently and respectfully to each other and everyone else. Then one day he was involved in an accident and suffered a brain injury. He recovered physically but his personality changed. He become rude, abrasive, swore a lot, talked disrespectfully to her, made constant sexual comments. The opposite of the man she’d married. She eventually left him, feeling terrible about it, because it was against her faith to end her marriage. Do you think she was being ablest? After all, it wasn’t his fault.

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Did you just tell the person with a brain injury they are 'sheltered' and that its not MH then exactly describe MH issues and basically that I don't understand and then give a story about someone being left because they suffered a brain injury.

I face ableism due to my condition every day, luckily for me my husband loves me.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 12/04/2025 18:45

MyFirmQuoter · 12/04/2025 16:43

I agree that cheating doesn’t solve anything. It often does add more pain and I’m not suggesting it’s ever the right choice.

But I don’t think “it’s too complicated to leave”is always just a cheater’s excuse. People can feel emotionally stuck, afraid of hurting others or hopeful that things will change. That’s not justification, it’s just reality for a lot of people.

The point of this thread was never to promote cheating, it was to unpack the messy, human reasons behind why some people end up making that choice instead of leaving outright. Not all behaviour is excusable but most of it is understandable when you look closely.

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People can feel emotionally stuck, afraid of hurting others or hopeful that things will change.

And how would it be understandable to cheat if this was the case? You're hoping your partner will change, but in the meantime you'll get a bit of sex elsewhere?

You don't want to hurt them by ending it, so you'll do it by hopping into bed with John from Finance?

KrisAkabusi · 12/04/2025 18:49

Sometimes the “philosophical” questions are the hardest to unpack because they sit right on the edge of real life.

This isn't hard to unpack! Nobody agrees with you. You're wrong.

Crazybaby123 · 12/04/2025 18:51

No, cheating is mean and two faced and just horrible. If you have raised the issues, tried to support them and you can't be eith them anymore then leave first.

fetchacloth · 12/04/2025 19:06

It's better to leave a relationship like that than cheat.
Cheating isn't dealing with the core problem really.

BillyBoe46 · 12/04/2025 19:09

If you're not happy you talk about it. It that doesn't work you end the relationship BEFORE you start the next one.

Buildingthefuture · 12/04/2025 19:11

There is no relationship that cannot be made worse by fucking or attempting to fuck, someone else.
If my DH stopped showering (he showers every day, has for the many decades we’ve been together) I wouldn’t be thinking about shagging someone else, I’d be looking to get help (medical or psychological) for him.

SalfordQuays · 12/04/2025 19:18

housethatbuiltme · 12/04/2025 18:44

Did you just tell the person with a brain injury they are 'sheltered' and that its not MH then exactly describe MH issues and basically that I don't understand and then give a story about someone being left because they suffered a brain injury.

I face ableism due to my condition every day, luckily for me my husband loves me.

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@housethatbuiltme I don’t really understand what you mean, but you implied that anyone leaving their partner because of changes in their mind/body was ableist. I don’t think that’s fair.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 12/04/2025 19:20

IdLikeThingToSpiralIntoControl · 12/04/2025 16:06

Well if they love their partner so little they should leave, not cheat.

👆

Jane958 · 12/04/2025 19:25

What is that saying?
Men marry women in the hope that they will stay the same.
Women marry men in the hope that they will change.

VapeVamp12 · 12/04/2025 19:53

I'll hold my hands up and and say my marriage finally came to and end because I cheated. I know in some peoples eyes it is so awful and a few members of my family feel very strongly to the point that my relationships with them now is different.

I don't have an excuse, I was married, I vowed not to be with anyone else.

He didn't let himself go. In hindsight we should have never got married. We had a son 1.5 years after marriage and from the day I got pregnant onwards my whole view of him changed. I won't go into detail because I won't convince anyone he deserved being cheated on, because he didn't. But I fell out of love with him and once my trust in him (not in a cheating way, but being there, being the person I thought he was) was gone, it wouldn't come back.

I cheated with an old friend. In some ways I am glad it happened because I don't think I would have ever left if my ex husband didn't find out and confront me. He confronted me and I apologised and I left the same day. We share our son 50/50.

I am genuinely sorry for what I did to him because it hurt him a lot but I was miserable in my marriage. It feels so hard to "just leave" when you've a house, a child, pets, entwined lives.

Ladamesansmerci · 12/04/2025 19:55

Either split up, or have a chat and express your feelings. Talk it out.

If my partner suddenly stopped showering etc I'd be concerned and worried they were depressed. I would not be thinking about cheating.

JHound · 12/04/2025 20:25

Jane958 · 12/04/2025 19:25

What is that saying?
Men marry women in the hope that they will stay the same.
Women marry men in the hope that they will change.

Yep - which seems foolish on both parts!

JHound · 12/04/2025 20:27

Hwi · 12/04/2025 17:47

Ideally this should not happen, but if it does, there are so many factors involved. Children, for example. I think it is extremely selfish to divorce if the cheater in question is a good parent, good provider and nobody knows about this cheating and this cheating does not affect family life outwardly. My friend found out and split from her partner. Overnight her and her dc lifestyle plummeted. He is self-employed, he moved out to his parents and left her in the rented flat. He and his accountant made sure he paid next to nothing to himself, ploughing all his income into his 'equipment, training, attending conferences', showing zero profit. He moved into his parents' house, then claimed he was depressed and stopped working for a year. Went to court to ensure she lets dc visit him on week-ends. I have never seen a broken person like that my friend became. She hates her mother and her friends for advising her to 'drop him and go after him and his money'.

If I were a man (I am a woman) and if my wife cheated, there is no way I would divorce and throw her out because dc need their mother more than anyone.

And I don't understand this 'letting him/herself go' - I love my dh now so much more than when I married him, I can't even describe it and he lost hair, has a belly now, i.e. he let himself go, but is it not just normal aging?

Yeah selfish to leave somebody treating you poorly but not selfish to cheat in the first place. 😂

JHound · 12/04/2025 20:28

SalfordQuays · 12/04/2025 18:00

I think cheating is understandable in certain situations. It’s not right, but life isn’t always straightforward. I’ve never cheated and I’ve never been married, so I’ve got no agenda here. Just using my imagination.

Couple with kids own a house between them, both working, earning just enough to cover bills and mortgage. Neither of them could individually afford to buy a house big enough to have the kids stay over.

Husband’s job changes so he works from home, and doesn’t have to meet people any more. He stops showering, doesn’t clean his teeth, eats crap all day, gains several stone. Refuses to help with any childcare, doesn’t clear away any of his mess, doesn’t do any household chores. As soon as his working day is over, he sits on the settee drinking beer in the same clothes he’s worn for the past 2 weeks.
Wife is run ragged. She works full time out of the home, comes home to a mess every day, does all the child related stuff, all the cooking, cleaning etc, literally everything. She begs her husband to help but he says he can’t be bothered.
She assumes he must be depressed because he wasn’t always like this, but he says he’s fine, just says he’s enjoying not having to get dressed up for the office any more. Flatly refuses to admit there’s a problem. Won’t shower, won’t wash, won’t clean his teeth, won’t help out.
Eventually wife says she’s had enough, says she wants to split up. “Fine” he says, “but I’m not moving. If you want to split, you can move out”. Except she can’t afford it on her own, so she’s stuck. And she can’t rent a tiny flat, because there wouldn’t be room for the kids.

So they carry on as they are. Wife gets more and more depressed, holding everything together while her husband does nothing. Not sleeping because he smells so bad. No sex of course. She doesn’t find him attractive any more, because of the smell and the 10 stone he’s gained. And the attitude. Her life is pretty miserable, she feels exhausted and unhappy, and she can’t see an end to it.
Then someone at work starts paying her attention. He’s nice, funny, clean, attentive, interested in her, makes her feel like she’s more than just a skivvy. Eventually they start an affair.

It’s not right, but you can see how someone might get to that point.

I genuinely don’t see how any of that leads to somebody cheating. There are multiple other choices.

JHound · 12/04/2025 20:30

Init4thecatz · 12/04/2025 17:56

Lol, imagine if men used that excuse (although I'm sure many do)...

"She had a baby a few years ago, she's put on loads of weight, has stretchmarks, has let herself go, and no longer looks like the woman I married..."

I think OP is a man (also you know that stretchmarks are natural right? They are not something you control?)

JHound · 12/04/2025 20:34

MeliusMoriQuamServire · 12/04/2025 18:40

No. I divorced my ex for the exact same reason - he ballooned and became morbidly obese. No health issues, just ate lots of utter shit. Refused to stop, refused to lose weight. I'm not fucking a lard-arse, it's gross. Him huffing and puffing on top of me with sweat from his lard dripping on my face. No, thanks. I equally support a man who'd leave his fat wife. Gaining a bit of weight as you age is perfectly normal. Becoming size 18 or equivalent - is not. I didn't sign up for this.

However, I do understand why people cheat in certain situations. There was a thread from a woman the other day. Early 40s, she just decided that's it, her sex days are over, don't want it anymore, so won't have sex ever again and her husband should just suck it up. She herself said her husband is a kind, decent and supportive man, but she just doesn't want to have sex anymore.

In that case, I'd leave, personally. But I can understand if he'd cheat instead. And I wouldn't blame him.

If that’s the same one I read she offered an open marriage. He was shocked and refused.

UpsideDownChairs · 12/04/2025 21:06

Daydreamingforever · 12/04/2025 17:40

If your unhappy leave
don’t be a coward

Exactly this.

Oh, it's too complicated, oh, it's difficult. No, you're just a coward, seeing what you can get away with before the other person has had enough.

Be an adult. End it yourself, don't treat the other person so poorly that they have to end it for you.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/04/2025 21:21

@MyFirmQuoter

I think there are two types of cheats.

The 'habitual cheat' needs no reason to cheat. They could be married to someone who looks like <insert fav movie star>, keeps house like Martha Stewart, parents like 'Super Nanny', and greets them at the door with a drink and slippers, ushers them to their easy chair, and says "Don't lift a finger, Darling. You work so hard, leave the rest to me" and that person would still cheat. They thrive on the thrill.

There's the (for lack of better words) the 'emotional cheat'. This is the one who is unhappy in their marriage for some reason and is looking for something to 'make up for it'. But you never solve problems inside a marriage by looking for solutions outside the marriage. I think this is what you're referring to when you talk about 'reasons' or 'deficiencies'.

So yes, there are things that may happen in a marriage that make someone want to cheat and to justify cheating to themselves. But it's still wrong. It can't be justified by "I don't want to break up my children's home", "I can't afford to leave", "He/she 'let themselves go' or 'doesn't fulfill my needs'". Nope. No justification whatsoever. Not even being cheated on justifies 'cheating back', nor does abuse. Get the hell out, but don't cheat.

Always, always leave with your dignity and your self respect intact.