To think cheating is understandable if your partner lets themselves go completely?

[MyFirmQuoter]

Obviously cheating isn’t ideal but if someone stops trying - gains loads of weight, doesn’t shower regularly, doesn’t make any effort - is it really that shocking if their partner looks elsewhere? AIBU or just being honest about human nature?

Some people gain weight owing to an injury or from taking meds. It isn't always cut and dry.

Lots of waffle from you trying to get people to give you permission to cheat on your partner. Just leave the poor sod.

YABU and your attempt at logic is a joke.

Too emotionally paralysed to leave but not to jump on someone else’s cock? 🤣 get a grip.

And your other reasons, hoping things will change etc, also a load of shit. If you’re hoping things will change you don’t do that from someone else’s bed!

You’re a complete cunt if you cheat, point blank, simple as. If you’re not happy, leave. If you aren’t prepared to leave then it’s not had enough to warrant jumping into bed with someone else to “wait and see if things improve” or because you feel sad, what a load of shit

Having your cake and eating it is the phrase that covers the question 'why do people cheat'.

No one’s trying to shift blame or dodge responsibility here, I’ve said repeatedly that cheating is wrong.

My point has always been that relationships usually decline over time, not overnight, and that people don’t always make rational or healthy choices in the midst of that breakdown. That’s not the same as excusing those choices, it’s just looking at what leads up to them.

If we only ever talk about cheating as a sign of being a bad person who just wants to “shag someone else,” we miss a lot of the emotional complexity that leads to disconnection and we probably miss the chance to prevent it too.

It is not complicated OP. Relationships and emotions are complicated. Cheating is an action and a choice.

Cheating is never ok , even if the other person did the same . You can do the right thing and choose to leave . You never have to cheat

I think there’s a lot less nuance than those who cheat like to claim there is. “She doesn’t understand me”; “the marriage died years ago”; “I’m only staying for the children”…

No matter what the background, it ultimately boils down to “I wanted to so I did.”

That want overrode all other considerations.

I have seen so many decent people hurt by lazy, selfish partners who prioritised their sexual urge over love, commitment, family, respect and loyalty.

If you can cheat, you can leave. Cheating is the lazy, cowardly option. Having your cake and eating it.

Yes relationships do decline overtime.

Thats nothing to do with cheating.

Cheaters cheat because they think they can. And they want to maintain their status who because it benefits them. But they also want to cheat.

Cheaters don’t suggest open relationships because they want to maintain their status quo. They want the benefits they have from the relationship so lie and deceive their partner. Thats love of even respect.

They do it because they believe their needs and wants are above everyone else’s. It’s that simple. Relationships ending are understandable. Cheating is simply selfish

OK, so this isn't personal, it's just a philosophical debate?

It's just that it sounds like a personal experience. A more open and less personal question would be, for example, 'is cheating ever justified?'.

Echoing what others have said. Leave them if you’re that bothered.

Again, none of this excuses cheating, it just acknowledges that people often avoid hard conversations or decisions and that avoidance sometimes leads to bad, damaging choices. I think it’s worth talking about why that happens, rather than pretending everyone acts rationally when they’re unhappy.

Your original premises was that cheating is understandable where attraction has faded. You have continuously been told that that's not true. Your attempts to justify it are trying to make it an almost inevitable response. Again, thats not true. Your logic is flawed, you're at odds with reality. You can try to justify it to yourself all you want but you won't persuade anything that it isn't a choice and it's the wrong one.

I can see why they might want to, but there's no excuse for doing it - they should leave

You leave the marriage then. You don't cheat.

Are you trying to understand why your partner cheated?

Cheating is NEVER understandable.

If you want out, get out and start a new relationship.

Absolutely no need to go behind someone's back.

This kind of bollox is how some women give excuses for men's poor behaviour and, well, fuck THAT!

Some people may make truly irrational decisions when they are in the midst of serious mental illness. In any situation besides that or abuse you are making a choice. Serious mental illness is not, in my humble opinion, caused by a chubby or grubby partner. Feeling a lack of connection or lack of attraction again is not a serious and exempting mental illness in my view.

Most people I know who have cheated did it because they wanted to, were too cowardly to leave their partners before testing out a future partner, or simply wanted a shag and didn't care about others.

I actually agree with most of what you’ve said here. I don’t believe relationships breakdowns come down to one person or one flaw and I never said the person who “let themselves go” was solely at fault. The point I was trying to make is that disconnection and resentment tend to build over time and both partners contribute to that in different ways.

I’ve said repeatedly that cheating is wrong, and that leaving, not betraying, is the mature route. But I also think it’s with examining the dynamics that leads to infidelity, especially when both people have stopped showing up for each other. It’s not about shaming one partner or excusing poor behaviour, it’s about understanding how relationships unravel in reality, not just theory.

I really appreciate your response, it brings in the kind of depth and nuance I hope to explore when I started the thread.

I don’t think there is any way to justify cheating. If you’re not happy, your partner has let themselves go, stopped trying or being a complete twat, just leave.

if you feel guilty, or bad or you stay for the kids, cheating is never the solution.

The dynamics that lead to infidelity are simple: a partner makes a choice and cheats.

this must be the "post-nuptial" poster, or his equally delightful sibling!! 😂

Decent people don't cheat on their partners.

If you are tempted to cheat then the time has come to act like a responsible adult.

End the current relationship first, then you can enjoy the excitement of getting to know someone new with a clear conscience. There is never any excuse for sneaking around, lying, and being a deceitful coward.

I actually don’t think cheating is some unsolvable mystery but I do think it’s often more emotionally layered than just “selfishness.”

Sure, for some people it’s about taking advantage but in many cases, it’s about emotional disconnection, avoidance, feeling stuck or handling dissatisfaction badly.

And no, this thread isn’t about trying to make sense of being cheated on. It’s about how relationships unravel and how people make flawed, sometimes destructive decisions instead of having hard conversations or leaving when they should.