To think cheating is understandable if your partner lets themselves go completely?

[MyFirmQuoter]

Obviously cheating isn’t ideal but if someone stops trying - gains loads of weight, doesn’t shower regularly, doesn’t make any effort - is it really that shocking if their partner looks elsewhere? AIBU or just being honest about human nature?

Only trash people try to rationalise their cheating.

Leave.

Just leave. Divorce, separate.

Or be honest and open. Tell them that given they have “let themselves go” you will be now be having sex with other people.

Give them the chance to leave you.

Has your wife had the audacity to gain a few pounds since you met @MyFirmQuoter ?

Hmmmm, like an overworked, over committed mum with a husband that is spick and span but never lifts a finger with housework, childcare, school run etc?

Yeah, the cheating is not understandable. What would be understanding would be kicking his lazy arse out.

I agree it’s emotionally layered.

It’s not just selfishness that causes someone to cheat but it does suggest poor/undesirable personality traits.

Needs an ego boost. Inability to self soothe. Poor communicator. Prepared to lie or omit the truth. Require smoke up the arse. Low self esteem. People pleaser. Cowardice. Addiction issues.

Double standards. Thinks it’s okay to play by different rules. Arrogance. Abusive. Okay with putting your spouse at risk of STDs. Selfish.

It’s really not cool. I’d run a mile if a person I was dating said they had cheated on a spouse as it suggests they have undesirable personality traits.

I think it’s possible people can grow from this but it’s not worth the risk (to me), too many decent people. I would end the date as quickly as possible.

If someone is unhappy - talk, fix/shut up or walk.

Reasons can be anything - Wife works too hard in the office - so I missed the attention and felt emasculated, whereas stay at home Susan cooks homemade cake and her nails are so pretty.

My wife doesn’t work and Susan in the office works 60 hours a week, climbs mountains on a Sunday and can wield a chainsaw.

It’s all bollocks and is just to justify the cheats poor choices.

We are proactive about attraction in our relationship, so if he started gaining weight I’d tell him. It wouldn’t get to the point he was so fat I didn’t find him attractive. If he stopped showering, in the first instance it wouldn’t probably be a “babe get in the shower you stink”, but if it was a reoccurring issues I would be concerned for his mental health. If he stopped making an effort I’d be worried, maybe worried he’s cheating or about his mental health, it’s hard to say because it’s not happened. I don’t think I would let it get to the point where I wanted to cheat and I know he wouldn’t.

Most of the times I’ve heard “she let herself go” argument comes from men whose wives just had a baby. Often from dads who don’t really do much to help… the only reason I lost baby weight was because I could leave them with DP while I exercised, and I wasn’t worried because I know he’s present and competent. I am very sceptical about the “she let herself go and gained weight/didn't lose the baby weight” line from men especially, because until you have a child you don’t know how hard it is.

At the end of the day, there’s no excuse. If you love them you should speak up before it gets to the point you lose attraction. If it’s past the point of no return, leave.

Ideally this should not happen, but if it does, there are so many factors involved. Children, for example. I think it is extremely selfish to divorce if the cheater in question is a good parent, good provider and nobody knows about this cheating and this cheating does not affect family life outwardly. My friend found out and split from her partner. Overnight her and her dc lifestyle plummeted. He is self-employed, he moved out to his parents and left her in the rented flat. He and his accountant made sure he paid next to nothing to himself, ploughing all his income into his 'equipment, training, attending conferences', showing zero profit. He moved into his parents' house, then claimed he was depressed and stopped working for a year. Went to court to ensure she lets dc visit him on week-ends. I have never seen a broken person like that my friend became. She hates her mother and her friends for advising her to 'drop him and go after him and his money'.

If I were a man (I am a woman) and if my wife cheated, there is no way I would divorce and throw her out because dc need their mother more than anyone.

And I don't understand this 'letting him/herself go' - I love my dh now so much more than when I married him, I can't even describe it and he lost hair, has a belly now, i.e. he let himself go, but is it not just normal aging?

No, cheating is never ok.
Leave if you're not happy.

Cheating, as in being with others and lying/covering it up is always wrong/selfish…. It’s trying to have your cake and eat it by denying the other person the knowledge and power they deserve to make their own decisions.

I do think in the kind of circumstances you describe OP there is a more transparent option prior to the leaving…. Assuming you have raised these issues, asked for change and been open to changing yourself…. And no improvement,,,, then I think asking for an open marriage is very reasonable…. Or, in extremis, declaring one. Ie say to your partner “I love you, respect you, think we make a great team and want stability for the kids…. However, over years now, this aspect of our marriage has made me unhappy and it hasn’t improved, despite me raising it and trying to help make it better. So I want you to know I can’t continue like this. From now on, I may be pursuing sexual contact with others. I’ll do this responsibly, with care for your and my health, and I can do it as discreetly or transparently as you want. We can talk about boundaries of how we might do this if you want. But I don’t want to lie to you and pretend it’s not happening or pretend everything is ok in this way. If you prefer to break up, I understand and respect that. But I can no longer continue living the way we have been.”

100%

I think it's the lazy option. The other two options could be help your partner if theyre struggling mentally or leave. Staying and cheating is the most pathetic of the three.

No, a partner “ letting themselves go” doesn’t justify cheating.

But, I’ll be honest and admit that it can cause relationship tensions when it’s not caused by a medical condition and the partner refuses to address it.

My DH has good hygiene, has no medical conditions ( he has an annual physical), has always had good MH, and is about two stone overweight. His doctor has advised him to lose the extra weight, but he isn’t. He likes snacking and buys himself large bags of crisps, chips ( as in chips and salsa), pretzels, etc.

I do sometimes feel resentful, because i can’t understand why he doesn’t try harder! No one else in our household is overweight, because we don’t eat those bloomin’ snacks! If he cut down on them, I think a stone would fall off him tbh.

It also bugs me as I have an underactive thyroid and had two large babies, yet I work to maintain a healthy weight. Not as slim as I was 20 years ago, but still in the healthy range.

But, I’m not going to cheat on the daft bugger, he has to decide to address his weight and get rid of his middle-aged tummy.

Lol, imagine if men used that excuse (although I'm sure many do)...

"She had a baby a few years ago, she's put on loads of weight, has stretchmarks, has let herself go, and no longer looks like the woman I married..."

Kind of relevant, why women lose weight and glow up after divorce.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdNE84R7/

absolutely not being unreasonable. Its even in the wedding vows ‘For richer or poorer, better or worse, all the days of our lives forever and ever, (oh except if you are a munter of course, then I’m gonna bang Kathy from accounts and you can’t be mad!) Amen’.

I personally wouldn’t find it shocking if a partner cheated and eventually left under these circumstances

If you are inclined to cheat then go ahead and do it, there will be consequences and they won't be nice...

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdNE84R7/ .

sorry, previous link didn’t work

I think cheating is understandable in certain situations. It’s not right, but life isn’t always straightforward. I’ve never cheated and I’ve never been married, so I’ve got no agenda here. Just using my imagination.

Couple with kids own a house between them, both working, earning just enough to cover bills and mortgage. Neither of them could individually afford to buy a house big enough to have the kids stay over.

Husband’s job changes so he works from home, and doesn’t have to meet people any more. He stops showering, doesn’t clean his teeth, eats crap all day, gains several stone. Refuses to help with any childcare, doesn’t clear away any of his mess, doesn’t do any household chores. As soon as his working day is over, he sits on the settee drinking beer in the same clothes he’s worn for the past 2 weeks.
Wife is run ragged. She works full time out of the home, comes home to a mess every day, does all the child related stuff, all the cooking, cleaning etc, literally everything. She begs her husband to help but he says he can’t be bothered.
She assumes he must be depressed because he wasn’t always like this, but he says he’s fine, just says he’s enjoying not having to get dressed up for the office any more. Flatly refuses to admit there’s a problem. Won’t shower, won’t wash, won’t clean his teeth, won’t help out.
Eventually wife says she’s had enough, says she wants to split up. “Fine” he says, “but I’m not moving. If you want to split, you can move out”. Except she can’t afford it on her own, so she’s stuck. And she can’t rent a tiny flat, because there wouldn’t be room for the kids.

So they carry on as they are. Wife gets more and more depressed, holding everything together while her husband does nothing. Not sleeping because he smells so bad. No sex of course. She doesn’t find him attractive any more, because of the smell and the 10 stone he’s gained. And the attitude. Her life is pretty miserable, she feels exhausted and unhappy, and she can’t see an end to it.
Then someone at work starts paying her attention. He’s nice, funny, clean, attentive, interested in her, makes her feel like she’s more than just a skivvy. Eventually they start an affair.

It’s not right, but you can see how someone might get to that point.

I love my husband for him as a person not his looks... he could be burned to a crisp, waist away, struggle with hygiene due to MH and have his face ripped off by sharks I would still love him.

This isn't just shallow but is also disgustingly ablest.

If you don't love someone anymore break up with them, don't toy with their emotions and treat them like doormat so you can have your cake and eat it, its just a shitty selfish thing to do.

Have a medal x

Someone lets themselves go? You mean the person who doesn't find the other attractive, well just leave

I know someone IRL ( I no longer speak to him) whose wife was in a serious car accident. She physically recovered, suffered a brain injury that she largely recovered from, but obviously it took months.

During that time, he hooked up with an old gf, because his marriage “wasn’t the same” as it had been. 😡 They split up and I literally couldn’t speak to him or his nasty gf.

What was incredible was that he didn’t seem to understand why I no longer wanted to be friends! He’s such a louse.

If you don’t want to be with someone anymore, or want to be with someone else, you should leave them. Not go behind their back.

@housethatbuiltme I wonder if you’ve perhaps led a very sheltered life, but I can tell you that lack of self care does not always come hand in hand with MH problems. Some people just decide they can’t be bothered any more. Our personalities change as we go through life. Priorities change. Some people decide they don’t want to shower or clean their teeth more than once a week.

I knew someone who was a devout Christian, as was her husband. They were very conservative, didn’t swear, didn’t drink, spoke gently and respectfully to each other and everyone else. Then one day he was involved in an accident and suffered a brain injury. He recovered physically but his personality changed. He become rude, abrasive, swore a lot, talked disrespectfully to her, made constant sexual comments. The opposite of the man she’d married. She eventually left him, feeling terrible about it, because it was against her faith to end her marriage. Do you think she was being ablest? After all, it wasn’t his fault.

Yes. Separating is always understandable if you've gone off someone for whatever reason. Staying with someone because they pay the mortgage or look after the kids and then cheat isn't understandable.