To think cheating is understandable if your partner lets themselves go completely?

[MyFirmQuoter]

Obviously cheating isn’t ideal but if someone stops trying - gains loads of weight, doesn’t shower regularly, doesn’t make any effort - is it really that shocking if their partner looks elsewhere? AIBU or just being honest about human nature?

“Understandable” in that being a lying, cheating sleazebag is not exactly hard to understand?

It’s putting the urge of the moment above a lifelong commitment to a person you claimed to love.

It means being a shitty person, betraying the one you swore to live and respect, possibly destroying a family, certainly putting a partner’s sexual health at risk, and debasing the whole foundation of your marriage for shag.

Got something on your conscience, OP?

@ThisFluentBiscuit I wouldn’t put gaining weight necessarily in the same category as letting yourself go. You can be skinny and look like an unbathed slob.

I don’t agree with cheating. However, if DH ended up doing one or all of the following and didn’t have a diagnosed medical/mental health condition: became very overweight, dressed skanky with old tracksuit bottoms outdoors, had poor hygiene - then I would leave.

I make an effort for myself and him. I would see it as him not caring about my feelings if he let himself go so I would see it as a sign that it’s over. My DH is attractive and yes we all age but it doesn’t mean you have to look a mess unless you’re ill.

Is their neglect of their physical appearance, i.e. weight gain and lack of personal hygiene due to laziness or depression?

Apart from them letting themselves go, what is your marriage like? Do you still talk to each other and still have things in common? Do you have children together?

That's dumb.

If your partner is like that you try and help them, or give them an ultimatum.

If they don't change you leave them.

I don't see why cheating is going to actually achieve here.

I would hope a supportive spouse would consider whether there was a reason for the change, eg possibly depression, and try to support their other half, long before considering just shagging someone else.

What I was exploring is understandability not justification.
Nope. I don’t think you’re going to get a lot of support on here with the view that it’s understandable to cheat if your partner puts on weight or doesn’t look like an Instagram model.
And the more you defend your stance the more you sound like Andrew Tate.
I think your expectations need reevaluation.

It's too complicated to leave but not too complicated to cheat?

Cheating requires a lot of planning, lying, sneaking around and covering up. It requires you to check out of your primary relationships and focus your energy elsewhere. It's much more complicated than 'this is not working, let's talk about separation'.

@MyFirmQuoter My friends husband gained 10 stone, he’s almost 30 stone . It’s completely unacceptable and I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s had her sexual needs met elsewhere.

Why cheat? Leave, or ask to have an open relationship.

What do you mean about "letting yourself go:
Everyone ages and some women put on weight after the menopause. Also having children changes women's bodies. Some men lose their hair.Most men get more grumpy as they get older.
If you make a committment to someone that commitment isn't untill their partner puts on weight, goes bald, stops being interested in fashion or make up.
If you want to leave someone leave them but their is no excuse for cheating while you are still with them

Yes there is a lot of people who struggle like that in a relationship. The person who has ‘let themselves go’ is probably also struggling.

How does cheating improve that relationship? How does it improve the situation at all? Or, does it just risk making everything a whole lots worse.

It’s still not ok. If you are unhappy in your relationship then the decision should be to leave.

Weird how it’s seen and fucking your partner over is an easier choice than ending the relationship

I agree with this, cheating is cowardly and never acceptable. Leaving someone if you're unhappy is still heartbreaking for them no doubt but you have to look out for yourself.

I’m not justifying cheating, I’ve said that a few times now. What I’m doing is trying to understand the emotional and relational breakdowns that can lead to it.

I think it’s possible to hold space for both: that cheating is wrong and that relationship don’t usually fall apart in a vacuum. Exploring that doesn’t mean excusing it.

First post nails it.

Since having kids I have changed by opinion on cheating a bit. I can see why people stay in relationships where a partner stops being loving and supportive in order to stay with the children full time. I don’t think cheating is a good way to handle that, because of the risk of it pulling the family apart (which is what you’re trying to avoid by staying), but I do understand it.

It's "understandable" if someone cheats - I understand the cheater to have a weak character.

I understand that I should never trust that person's vow (much less their word) and that they have very little sense of what they want or of life or how to steer their course to get it.

All very unattractive.

I think it is possible for weak people to improve and grow but the sign of that is when they take full responsibility for their actions, condemn them and can articulate why they would never do it again and what they would do differently next time. Not while they are still making excuses for choosing to sneak around deceive their partner - and seeking to blame that partner for it - rather than addressing the issue head-on or leaving.

So when I was behaving in the way you describe in you OP, due to a severe illness, during which I could barely get out of bed, it would have been acceptable for my husband to cheat.

I expect that's what my my ex might say about me.

Of course he was doing damn all for the kids, or any household requirements (ie. anything from bills to tax returns), and, when I was heavily pregnant, he'd made some comment about my hairy legs when he was basically covered in hair from head to toe, so I'd said if he just spent a month removing all his body hair like he expected me to do, I'd go back to it - and he couldn't be bothered to, so I enjoyed the freedom he enjoyed too. Bear in mind, my body hair was nothing compared to his (which not only affected his body, but the amount of shedding and therefore hoovering was considerable)

He could have been up front so I knew to end it. He could have ended it himself. Instead he decided to ignore me and the kids, 'work away' and get up to allsorts in male saunas, with prostitutes, and with women he met in clubs, until I had what was sufficient evidence to end it myself (because I'm not a jerk)

So YABU. Grow up and be up front - end it, tell them why (even though I'm sure the reason you don't want to is it seems petty).

Cheating is never acceptable.

I’m not saying cheating is acceptable, I’ve said more than once that it isn’t the right solution. But I do think there’s a difference between understanding how something happens and saying it’s okay.

My point was that when one partner completely checks out - emotionally, physically, or otherwise - it creates a disconnection. That doesn’t excuse cheating but it does give context.

If this thread has done anything, it’s shown how emotionally loaded and complex these situations can be and that’s exactly why they’re worth talking about.

30 stone??! If he’s not got a medical condition, it would be over for me. Even the previous 20 stone was out of control.

Relationships do sometimes fall apart in a vacuum. Usually because one wants to shag someone else.

But so what if relationships ‘don’t fall apart in a vacuum’. What does that have to do with cheating?

Has someone tried to convince you it’s actually your fault they cheated or you trying to convince someone else, they are responsible for your choice?