To think cheating is understandable if your partner lets themselves go completely?

[MyFirmQuoter]

Obviously cheating isn’t ideal but if someone stops trying - gains loads of weight, doesn’t shower regularly, doesn’t make any effort - is it really that shocking if their partner looks elsewhere? AIBU or just being honest about human nature?

No. If you are unhappy with a partner, you LEAVE. There is no excuse for cheating, full stop.

I agree that cheating doesn’t solve anything. It often does add more pain and I’m not suggesting it’s ever the right choice.

But I don’t think “it’s too complicated to leave”is always just a cheater’s excuse. People can feel emotionally stuck, afraid of hurting others or hopeful that things will change. That’s not justification, it’s just reality for a lot of people.

The point of this thread was never to promote cheating, it was to unpack the messy, human reasons behind why some people end up making that choice instead of leaving outright. Not all behaviour is excusable but most of it is understandable when you look closely.

@MyFirmQuoter there might be a relationship break down at some point but there’s also plenty of cheaters whose partners have no idea because they never gave any indication of unhappiness.

Cheating is not ok. If they don't want to be in a relationship because of the other person's physical appearance and hygiene, then end the relationship.

You’re clearly very passionate about this and I can understand why. But no, I don’t have “something on my conscience,” and I’m not defending cheating or promoting it.

I started this thread to explore the emotional patterns and dynamics that lead to infidelity - not to excuse it and definitely not to minimise the harm it can cause.

I think it’s possible to say cheating is wrong and acknowledge that relationships are complex and people don’t always make clean, rational decisions especially when disconnection builds over time. That’s the nuance I was interested in. Not just name-calling or outrage.

Afraid of hurting others by leaving.

But not afraid of hurting others by fucking someone else.

Yeah that makes sense. It is out of the cheaters hand book. And cheaters often make their spouse believe along with ‘it was just a mistake’ and ‘it didn’t mean anything’ etc to keep the relationships together.

Because cheaters want to keep the status quo but also shag someone else. It’s that simple. But, clearly, don’t want an open relationship and let their partner go sleep with other people. Amazing they want their partner to remain faithful. While they are not.

Almost like cheaters are actually just thinking about themselves

I think it’s possible to hold space for both: that cheating is wrong and that relationship don’t usually fall apart in a vacuum. Exploring that doesn’t mean excusing it.

I think that if you want to explore what’s going on when rekationship fall apart, a good starting point is to NOT pin that down on ONE and only reason or partner. The reasons are likely multi factorial.

So your person (and I’m pretty sure you’re thinking the woman there) who has gained lots of weight, isn’t taking care of her appearance, does she have a supportive partner that will step up, wo bring asked, so she can go agd exercise? One that gets up at night so she can get uninterrupted sleep?
Are they both able to communicate their needs? And do they listen to each other rather than taking each other for granted?

I dint believe that when cheating happens or relationships break down, there is ONE person at fault. Pointing fingers and shaming one person doesn’t help anyone.

I do think that cheating shows a certain level of morals or rather lack of.
Most people have massive hesitations before leaving. It doesn’t mean they then cheat.
And a lot of cheaters actually dint want to get divorced either (just look at the number of cheaters who come back begging!)

Gaining weight, not showering as much and "letting go" aren't aren't relational predictors of cheating. You know what is? A cheat.

I can't stand them. Utterly pathetic low minded creatures, no basic sense of honour, placing no value on human relationships.

If you or someone else thought this was a reason to cheat, take a look in the mirror, do the honest thing and end it. They'd be well rid of you if your love is that shallow anyway.

I understand where you’re coming from and yes, sometimes these changes stem from deeper struggles like depression, burnout or disconnection, which is why communication and compassion are so important.

But over time, if there’s no effort to address it or reconnect - no matter how gently it’s raised - it can start to feel like the relationship is running on empty.

I didn’t start this thread to air the details of my marriage but more to explore the wider dynamic where one partner checks out in every way and what that does to connection, intimacy, and yes - desire. These things don’t happen in isolation.

You've given many reasons for your thoughts, but almost no-one agrees with you. Your excuses are just excuses, or cowardice, or laziness. But they are not justifications. Leaving, not cheating, is the correct answer.

No, it's not a reason, it's an excuse for a pathetic individual who has no respect for themselves or their partner. If things aren't working leave first. It's quite simple really.

It is emotionally loaded because of the sheer and utter devastation it can cause. Not just to one person but to both people, the third person and in many cases wider friends and family.

When someone tells you an affair has blown up their life, that is quite literal. It's not that cheaters always get away without consequences, they don't, the knock on effect can last decades for all involved.

It's often something that people who cheat don't think about. They experience jealousy they probably never felt before usually int he form of if I can get away with this so can my spouse. The arguments, the stress of keeping secrets. The worry someone somewhere knows something, that the third person will mention it to someone etc. Family and colleagues will get suspicions, the person having an affair changes usually for the worse.

Keeping secrets is incredibly bad for your mental health.

So for their own peace of mind not just their spouses, leaving is preferable to cheating.

This is from someone who had a serial cheater as an LTP and who even went on to accept it. Wrong thing to do, his jealousy of me was astonishing, he came to hate me for allowing it and then leaving him. From mutual friends he still doesn't forgive me for any of it and I never once took another partner. The damage it did to us both makes a truth of the saying that old sins cast long shadows.

Err, nope, not complicated. As many, many others have already said, if you are so shallow that you can't be attracted to your partner because of some physical thing, or even a health issue that is causing them to neglect themselves - and not because they are abusing you, then it's clearly not love and you should go.

When you say making no effort, now if you mean they don't make an effort to talk to you, care for you that is different. It still would never excuse cheating tho, but in that case I would say walk away. I would walk swaying that instance.

In this case though, if as I assume, they haven't emotionally.checked out, then no I personally wouldn't leave if I loved someone not at all, not if it were purely a physical thing and emotionally they were still "there" for me. If they had emotionally checked out and had a mental health issue I would stay and support of course, but if it was just a lack of effort, I would leave.

Love is supposed to be difference between wanting to shag someone because you fancy them and being willing to be with someone if they became bald, even if your prior preference were for men with hair, or fat if your preference were for muscular men, or if they had an accident that meant say they became an amputee and needed your help and care. You likely wouldn't stay with just a shag, or even in a relationship where it wasn't love, if those things, with that context happened.

But you would if it were actually love. Sounds like it's either not love, therefore you should do your partner (and yourself ) a favour leave, or that you are trying to rationalise having your cake and eating it. It's not complicated actually.

@MyFirmQuoter 🤡 👑

@Radarro no, she expected him to stay the same . I think she’s getting her needs met elsewhere and I don’t blame her . Not everyone wants to have 50/50 family time with her kids and being stuck in a sexless marriage must be tough .

I agree that cheating is complicated but not necessarily in the same way.

Leaving a long-term relationship, especially one involving marriage, children or emotional history, can feel emotionally paralysing, even when it’s the “right” thing to do. That’s the complexity I was referring to, not the mechanics but the emotional blocks that keep people stuck.

Again, none of this excuses cheating, it just acknowledges that people often avoid hard conversations or decisions and that avoidance sometimes leads to bad, damaging choices. I think it’s worth talking about why that happens, rather than pretending everyone acts rationally when they’re unhappy.

YABU. If you would rather be with someone else other than your partner for the reasons you describe, or any reasons really, you should leave them.

The point of this thread was never to promote cheating, it was to unpack the messy, human reasons behind why some people end up making that choice instead of leaving outright. Not all behaviour is excusable but most of it is understandable when you look closely.

imo it simply comes down to ‘because they think they can’

Somehow cheating on their partner makes them feel good. Maybe they feel that having two women competing for them makes them irresistible. Maybe it’s fulfilling some needs of theirs. Excitement. Whatever.
For that to happen they need to first think they can do it and get away with it. They need to see themselves invincible enough that they can cheat and still keep their nice cozy marriage. Just like people shoplift. Go over the speed limit etc….
And then they need to comfortable with taking the risk of hurting their partner and children.

OP, I think your attitude shows that you are both immature and have low emotional intelligence.

It's not hard to understand why someone cheats OP. It's because they see benefit to themselves at the expense of their partner. It suits them to use their partner for money, childcare, housework, whatever. It's a selfish and destructive decision but it's not a mystery by any stretch of the imgination.

Are you wonder why someone cheated on you instead of ending the relationship?

I get the curiosity but I’d rather keep the focus on the topic than make this about my personal life.

I started the thread because I think the emotions behind cheating (and how relationships unravel) are often more layered than we admit. Whether someone’s lived it or just observed it, these dynamics affect a lot of people.

Do you mean someone stops making an effort in the relationship?

What about the years of hard conversations once it’s found out?

Or the hard conversations about why you won’t leave your unhappy relationship for the person you are shagging?

What about the hard conversation every time you lie to your partner about where you are or who you are with, who you are texting?

What about the gaslighting you will do if they suspect? Is that not as difficult?

The emotions behind cheating are not 'layered' lol. They're pretty basic actually.

Yes okay there are complicated feelings in relationships. But the way you act on those shows your character.

The only situation in which I think that cheating is morally acceptable is in relationships where there is abuse and the abuser has therefore made it unsafe for their partner to leave readily, and essentially destroyed the relationship anyway through their own actions (if someone abused you they have broken their vows/the relationship in my view).