To think cheating is understandable if your partner lets themselves go completely?

[MyFirmQuoter]

Obviously cheating isn’t ideal but if someone stops trying - gains loads of weight, doesn’t shower regularly, doesn’t make any effort - is it really that shocking if their partner looks elsewhere? AIBU or just being honest about human nature?

Again though, if talking to their partner about this doesn't help, then the unhappy party should leave. It doesn't excuse cheating.

Leave or help them address the problem. It’s no excuse for cheating.

In an ideal world, yes, if your needs aren’t being met and communication fails, you leave. And I agree that cheating isn’t the right solution.

But I also think a lot of people don’t leave straight away - they stay hoping things will improve, or they feel guilty, stuck, or emotionally conflicted. That’s not to justify cheating but it’s to say that human behaviour isn’t always as black and white as we’d like it to be.

I often wonder this. When one partner gains weight and the other stays fit, it makes me wonder if they are comfort eating due to unhappiness and neglect in the marriage.

OP, no, it's better to leave than to cheat. But I think it's fair to ask a partner why they no longer make an effort and find out if they are no longer attracted to their spouse. If they are, but have neglected themselves for other reasons (caring for others, too much to do, illness etc) the loving thing to do would be to support them in making time for themselves and prioritising their self care.

Gaining lots of weight could well be a physical health issue. Not showering indicates mental health issues. I'd insist my spouse see a doctor for physical and mental health screening, not fucking cheat. That's an asshole move.

If they did have physical or mental health issues that they refused to treat, I would separate and seek divorce.

Absolutely no excuse for cheating. Ever.
If you’re unhappy then leave.
If your partner has ‘let themselves go’ as you call it, there’s sometimes a reason- pregnancy, health problems etc. If that’s the case and you love them you should be supportive or at least not be a dick and cheat when she’s just given birth.
Or if he’s having a really hard time and his mental health is suffering.
If you’re only interested in someone’s looks then you probably shouldn’t be with them anyway. What happens when you both age? Works both ways.

WTAF. Are we Seriousky saying it’s okay to cheat as defined by physical appearance? Holy cow. What if a partner got sick and looked ‘awful’?

No it isn’t okay and absolutely horrid to create a grey area.

Don’t like it then talk to your partner rather than selfishly embarking on a humiliating, embarrassing devastating road for your partner.

There isn’t any circumstance where this is okay maybe save someone holding a gun to your head. An actual gun - that is the level of black and white that should be applied here.

Sorry to say but anyone who sees a grey should seriously question their own morals and values.

No, of course there wasn’t and I don’t think love or commitment should be based purely on appearance.

But I do think mutual effort matters - physically, emotionally, mentally. It’s not about staying a certain size or ticking a box but about continuing to show up for your partner and for yourself.

When someone completely lets themselves go, to the point that hygiene, self-respect or basic care disappears, it can shift the dynamic in really hard ways. That’s not about vanity… it’s about connection, attraction, and effort going both ways.

“For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health”

There’s a reason those words are in the marriage vows.

if you are married you promised (and in fact signed a contract) that you loved them enough that “worse, poorer and sickness” wouldn’t stop you loving them.

I hate the drama that’s made over hen nights, dresses and chair covers - this is what people getting married should be concentrating on, “can we really keep those promises?”

And if one day after many years the answer is sadly “no”, then you leave, not cheat.

If you love them you try and help and understand what's going on.

If you have fallen out of love with them because they have "let themselves go", then you are a shallow cunt who needs to fuck off because it's probably you who caused this in the first place.

Is that the level of froth you were hoping for?

Oh please...

So things are that bad it justifies cheating.

But not that bad it’s worth leaving.

But it is worth lying and humiliating your partner. Gaslighting them. Removing their freely given consent to being in the relationship and so on.

No it’s not justifiable. It’s abusive. And let’s call it what it is. It’s selfishness. You dont care or respect your partner if you cheat. You can’t.

Because you want to change a fundamental basis of the relationship, but don’t want to hide it from them. People who cheat just want to fuck someone else and keep what they already have regardless of the consequences to anyone else

But so often “showing up for your partner” means that one partner has plenty of time to go to the gym and the other partner is holding the household together, carrying the mental load and doing all the child care.

Showing up for your partner is about more than just looking nice.

So have you spoken to them about their lack of hygiene and basic care?

I agree that cheating isn’t the right solution and I never said it was excusable. What I was exploring is understandability not justification.

Of course there are valid reasons someone might change physically - illness, mh, pregnancy, all of that. And if there’s love and communication, those things can be worked through.

But sometimes, people stop trying altogether - physically, emotionally, relationally - and that disconnection can go both ways. It’s not about perfection or clinging to youthful looks forever. It’s about effort and reciprocity. And when one person feels totally checked out, it can lead the other to disconnect too, not always in the healthiest way.

I just think these things are more complicated than “if you’re unhappy, leave.” Relationships often unravel long before anyone walks away.

What is it with all the posts lately about how much people eat and partners who have "let themselves go"? Some toxic posters here.

You are really trying hard to justify cheating aren't you OP. It's almost as if you know it is wrong but are trying to convince yourself otherwise?

Nope cheating is never justifiable. If you’re not happy - separate

But you are justifying cheating. That's the whole point of your thread - it's right there in the title. If you are no longer happy with your partner (for whatever reason), you can talk to them, try to fix it etc and if it doesn't work you can leave. Why would cheating be acceptable?

‘It’s too complicated to leave’ is straight out of the cheaters hand book. Said to appease the ow/om their friends etc.

Cheating is adding complications not solving them. Why would making the situation more complicated, help?

I've put on lots of weight over the years due to intense, longlasting life stressors. I've taken a lot of weight off and then put it on again when life's kicked me once again in the bollocks. I do not consider that I've "let myself go" - I've done the best I could under the circumstances and I still do my hair and makeup and wear nice clothes, perfume, and jewellery.

For better and for worse, numnuts.

Unhappy with partner, split and find new partner = happens all the time.
Cheating = see you next Tuesday

The only way cheating becomes acceptable in my eyes is if the person is trapped in an abusive relationship with no means of escaping.

Someone letting themselves go isn’t that - you can just pack up and leave instead of cheating.

Yes and I think that’s always the first step - open, respectful communication. No one’s perfect and it’s normal for things to shift over time. But when concerns are raised with care and there’s still no change - not even small efforts - that’s where disconnection can really take root.

Again, I’m not justifying cheating but I think a lot of people quietly struggle in relationships where they feel ignored, undesired or like they’re carrying the emotional or physical load alone. And over time, it takes a toll.