To think cheating is understandable if your partner lets themselves go completely?

[MyFirmQuoter]

Obviously cheating isn’t ideal but if someone stops trying - gains loads of weight, doesn’t shower regularly, doesn’t make any effort - is it really that shocking if their partner looks elsewhere? AIBU or just being honest about human nature?

“Let’s themselves go”!! What a weird saying. And so misogynistic.

And no, this thread isn’t about trying to make sense of being cheated on. It’s about how relationships unravel and how people make flawed, sometimes destructive decisions instead of having hard conversations or leaving when they should.

If your relationship has unravelled to the point one spouse is willing to cheat, then it's time to call quits not fuck someone else.

Whatever you say OP almost no one who answers here will agree with it being understandable, it isn't, simple as.

Cheating is never justified. However if there no longer is attraction, divorce / separation is the answer.

Also, I think if two people love eachother then divorce should be the final solution, not something you would look into straight away.

You mentioned if one partner stops trying to make any effort etc. then the resentment leads to cheating however why not be honest and tell them?

Yes ! It’s still wrong .
They tell the truth and separate and then they are free to do as they please with whoever they may please .

No, being unfaithful shouldn’t ever be considered.
Have a conversation first and talk through the issues.
If nothing changes or it doesn’t work out then separate.

I don’t disagree that the aftermath of cheating - the lying, betrayal, damage - is incredibly painful and often far more complicated than simply leaving would have been.

The problem is, people don’t always think in a linear way when they’re emotionally stuck. Fear, guilt, denial, low self-worth - all of those things can keep someone from leaving, even when they know they should. That doesn’t make what they do next okay. But it does make it human.

I think those “hard conversations” you mentioned should happen - before cheating. But a lot of people don’t know how to have them or they avoid them until it’s too late. The avoidance is what I’ve been trying to explore, not excuse.

@MyFirmQuoter there simply is no justification in cheating . Understandable why ? . Yes .
I mean how many is it said on here about a door being left open for a man or women to cheat if their partner, Dh , dw decided they no longer want sex. Long term that’s a decision for both people not one person to decide .

I don’t think either person should let themselves go or make decisions for both parties.

OP you've asked if cheating is acceptable yet objection handled every reason why it isn't.

It comes down to personal integrity. You either have it or you don't.

Looks fade. People gain weight. If you’re in a long term relationship you need to accept that. It’s not an excuse to cheat. If you’re feel strongly about it, it’s a reason to leave.

Leaving a long-term relationship, especially one involving marriage, children or emotional history, can feel emotionally paralysing, even when it’s the “right” thing to do. That’s the complexity I was referring to, not the mechanics but the emotional blocks that keep people stuck I absolutely agree with this. It can be incredibly hard when you’re balancing the emotional needs of children and the practicalities of where you can go and what you’ll live on, against the fact that your skin crawls at the thought of your spouse coming near you because you’re desperately unhappy. It’s really tough. So what you don’t do is introduce a third party into the mix, so that any pain caused by a divorce is magnified tenfold and you’ve got the wants and needs of yet another person to take into consideration, as well as your stbex spouse and your children.

Again, none of this excuses cheating, it just acknowledges that people often avoid hard conversations or decisions and that avoidance sometimes leads to bad, damaging choices. I think it’s worth talking about why that happens, rather than pretending everyone acts rationally when they’re unhappy It happens because they are selfish and weak. They don’t want to have the conversation about separation, either because they feel guilty or it’s putting them in a bad light or it’s just going to be really difficult. So they look for a distraction from that. Something to make themselves feel good for a while. Something that makes them feel happy for a couple of sordid hours here and there. Fuck everyone else’s happiness, or the pain it will cause the people they are supposed to care about. Name one positive of an affair for the spouse who is being cheated on? Or any children involved? There are none. And that’s because it’s all about the cheater and what they want.

You can try and justify it or make excuses for it as much as you like. But, assuming one spouse wants to remain married, there is not a marriage breakdown in the world that is going to be made easier and less painful by the introduction of an affair.

You’re male, aren't you @MyFirmQuoter?

Too much verbiage. The answer is very simple - there’s never an excuse to cheat. There’s nothing to ‘understand’.

The person has three choices

A) Talk about it. Suggest counselling.
B) Put up with it
C)Divorce

D) Flirt with and shag someone else is not a great option. It’s abuse as you are risking your spouses mental and physical health. Some STDs are life changing. Cheating can cause PTSD in some victims. That’s abuse in my opinion.

Cheating is not cool, nor sexy, or attractive.

If you eventually split and divorce at some point you will be on a date and get asked: did you cheat on your ex? What’s your response A) yes but…. (Insert pathetic excuse). Then what happens?
B) No - and you continue being the liar you were in your marriage.

Cheats have a but in their fidelity. I am faithful but not if my spouse won’t find out. I am faithful but if my spouse gains weight it’s okay to rub genitals with another. I am faithful but if my spouse let themself go it’s okay to risk their sexual health.

I am faithful for ME. My husband is annoying. But nothing he does or doesn’t do can make me cheat. I stood in front of friends and family and made vows. Those were my words, given freely. Who am I if my vows mean nothing. If my word is meaningless. I want to like the lady I see in the mirror. So I stand by my word . I am faithful for me. My husband is collateral damage to my daily choice.

Cheating is easy any loser can cheat. Being faithful or ending things correctly says a lot more about someone.

I get why it might read as personal - topics like this often touch on people’s experiences, including our own observations or relationships.

But I really did start the thread to open up a wider conversation about the dynamics behind cheating, not just the act itself but the emotional disconnection and avoidance that can lead to it.

Whether or not it’s from lived experience doesn’t change the validity of the discussion. Sometimes the “philosophical” questions are the hardest to unpack because they sit right on the edge of real life.

No. It’s not understandable. It’s a choice that weak, selfish, morally bankrupt people make because they want to have their cake and eat it.
Your posts are just spouting twaffle.

Funny. One dickhead I know superficially justified his decision to cheat on his wife stating she "didn't make any effort, had let herself go". Ofcourse she ought to have been groomed and styled when he came home from work. She only had a baby and 2-year old and a 4-year old to care for🙄

@Touchgym & @BIWI of course the op is male (and hopefully single!)

No, cheating is never acceptable, it's damaging and tears people apart.

If you are not happy, leave.

Whether or not it’s from lived experience doesn’t change the validity of the discussion. Sometimes the “philosophical” questions are the hardest to unpack because they sit right on the edge of real life.

Ahh so pretentious bullshit then.

No wonder you keep trying to push the same bollocks post after post even in the face of almost complete rejection of the idea.

I did philosophy A Level, that was pretentious bollocks too.

What you describe in your OP sounds like depression. If my husband stopped showering/taking care of himself I would be too worried about him and how to help him to think about sex- let alone sex with someone who isn’t him. I’d like to think he would feel the same if the roles were reversed.

And that's what love is isn't it. You don't just stop feelings for someone "letting themselves go", we always want to help and understand the people we love regardless.

The clue is in the word - “cheating”. It is dishonest.

So you want to know the reasons why people cheat not if it’s right or wrong ? That I can give you plenty ( I deal with enough divorces ) . Partners with incompatible libidos , partners who gave up on the relationships , partners that developed medical issues including MH issues so stopped wanting sex . Above all what I see between couples where one or both end up cheating is resentment towards each other for daily things like she gives to much attention to children , he doesn’t give me enough attention or helps enough etc etc etc .
In the last 10 years I also had a lot of women cheating with other women ( in heterosexual marriages ) , I would say a lot more than hetero men cheating with men . There is such a huge array of excuses that even after 15 years I still get shocked at times .
None of them makes cheating morally correct imo.

If your unhappy leave
don’t be a coward