Found more messages - feeling completely broken (again)

[Aud1988]

Hi all, feeling utterly devastated. Found more explicit messages from my partner to another woman on Instagram - he's told her we're not together. This is the second time in under a year, after we supposedly worked through it in therapy. We have a 19-month-old and I'm newly pregnant.
Completely blindsided as things felt so much better. Now all trust is gone and I'm full of anger. I'm so worried about breaking up our family for the kids, but I can't accept this again.
Has anyone else been through repeat online infidelity? Did you leave? How did you cope with the impact on your children? Feeling lost and any shared experiences would be appreciated

It's not you breaking up the family : it's him.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. He obviously thought that because you forgave him last time it meant he could behave how he wanted and you would forgive him again.

Not been through this but your post popped up. I’m so sorry. From a purely financial POV I’d hold your nerve and get legal advice on your home and finances so he has no idea that you are researching your position. If you are able and have space you could use pregnancy as an excuse and that you need to sleep alone atm. This will give you space to think and also not have to sleep next to him. Once you feel confident you Hve all the data you need you will be better informed on should you want him to leave your rights, money, assets that you will want. Never leave the house once you’ve told him you want to leave btw .I hope you had a good friend IRL you can. Share this with who can be your rock X

At 19 months and in utero if you end it now they’ll never have known anything different than Mummy and Daddy don’t live together. He’s scum, utterly disrespectful

As name suggests - NC for this reply.

I did, multiple times. I understand how stupid that makes me look and I fully expect to be judged hard for this via other posters but I chose to suck it up for the kids and the mortgage and the life I’ve piled all my efforts to build. There was no physical infidelity (literally no time for this as well as I have him on find my app so I know where he is), but the paranoia did eat away at me for a long time, as did the checking his phone that I am mortified at the fact it made me THAT person. A few huge rows, I now bottle up my anger and resentment as I know I can’t keep throwing it back in his face (2 years since the last time) but I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t still in my mind.

Im so sorry. You have to tell yourself you already dont have a family to break up, you have a man who knew you'd work through no matter what to keep the 19 month old in a two parent household. Then added another baby to put another metaphorical deadbolt on the door of your relationship, ensuring you'll be as vulnerable and desperate to prove it can work that he can do what the hell he likes and you cant leave. Prove him wrong and see how you and your babies thrive

You’re not breaking up a family he has ,
yes I’m from where you at? I forgave did the therapy thing stayed together for the family and he just kept doing the same thing over and over again get free. I know it’s hard especially in your situation. Get rid of this arsehole.
your priority is you and your children I promise you staying with someone like this won’t help them in the long run you’ll be so pleased you got rid

Why are you newly pregnant given the situation? How new is new, is it too late for a termination?These situations are too frequent on MN. End it now he's obviously not interested in changing or his family. At least your child is young and won't know any different. Take him to the cleaners, hope you have some family support.

I would leave. Sorry you’re going through this but it’s unforgivable.

He will do it over and over and then cheat for real if he isn’t already.

He took your forgiveness as a sign that you would just continue to excuse or ignore his shitty behaviour.

I am surprised you were having unprotected sex with him, given the recent background. Do you think you will continue the pregnancy?

Clearly you can’t trust him, so the relationship is over. Doesn’t sound like you are married. What’s your housing/financial situation and how much support will you get from family?

He took your forgiveness as a sign of weakness now he thinks he can cheat whenever he feels like it and you will just suck it up. Prove you are worth more. Leave him.

You aren't breaking up your family, he has chucked it away by messaging this woman on Instagram and previously cheating on you!

You need to put you and your children first. You don't have to accept it again and you shouldn't.

Repeat infidelity for me wouldn't be worked through. I would be getting all my ducks in a row and getting some advice and dumping him!

You need to leave. He's lied to you after gaining your trust.

Depending on how far your pregnancy is, I would unfortunately consider a termination.

I stayed after he crossed a massive line but didn’t actually have an “affair”. It is honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever done and he has spent every day since showing me how much he regrets the choices he made ( it was not a mistake and I have never countenanced any such shite)
If I found out he was doing it again? My foot would be so far up his arse, he’d be tasting my pedicure.
Fuck that op. I obviously agree with second chances, but they are a one time deal only.
If you haven’t had solo therapy, I highly recommend it. Mine helped me to recognise that what he did was absolutely nothing to do with me. His choice, his decision, and he’s a grown up. His fuck ups are his alone. You should feel no shame, no guilt and no responsibility. I don’t because I did nothing wrong.
You gave him a second chance and he fucked it up. Boo hoo for him. He’s out.

Each time you forgive them and believe the lies they tell you that they will never cheat again, they despise you just that little bit more and want to cheat all the more.

A cheating partner doesn't mean that he can't be a good father to your children though if you split up.

I’m not a frequent poster but I have some experience here. I went through this early in my relationship up until after my first DD was born. She’s ten now.
It was really tough and our relationship has not been easy, but we did get through. I don’t want to defend your partner at all, he’s an utter twat and deserves to be dumped.

I stuck it out through love, fear, low self esteem and feeling trapped.

Over the years I’ve improved my self worth, built confidence and built the belief that I can go it alone. Over time my partner matured, dealt with his own insecurity and realised that I was ready to go it alone if he didn’t step up.

And we’re here, still together and pretty happy (with the help of an amazing therapist). We’ve rebuilt trust and gained respect for each other. It’s by no means the fairytale.

I’d recommend doing a deep dive into what’s behind his behaviour, while getting your ducks in a row and keeping one eye on the door.

It doesn’t sound like its practical to walk away right now, but you could focus on yourself, improve your self esteem and be as selfish as you like until you get yourself ready to go. It’s possible he will see what’s happening and also do some work on himself.

Growing up with a father who is so disrespectful of their mother and a mother who is understandably unable to trust their father is worse for your children than growing up with parents who have divorced, especially when they're so young. He can't or won't control himself, even after being caught once. He didn't take it seriously. I'd say the writing is on the wall. I think I'd loathe him too much to stay with him.

Are you married? If not hopefully you can be independent of him financially through your job/housing situation. People like him don’t change, it’s unfortunate you trusted him after the first time but lots of us have been there. You’re in fool territory if you stay this time though.

I would consider a termination and separate if I were in your shoes. He won’t change.

Hi OP
Sorry you are going through this. I’ve no practical advice but from the point of view of the children, i left my ex when my child was 2. He doesn’t remember life before this and so hasn’t known any different, he is 10 nearly
now but when we speak about when he was younger he remembers living in our apartment we rented after we left but thats all. So don’t feel too bad about the children, they are young enough they won’t remember. Be kind to yourself, none of this is your doing.

You will never be able to trust him.

Are you planning on keeping the recent pregnancy?

I did solo parenting from when my kids were 9 months and 2 and the youngest it turned out had significant special needs which made it REALLY hard.

If he is that selfish and disloyal you may get no support. If I had had any choice I would not have put myself in that situation but staying was not something I could have done (for other reasons not infidelity but still).

I don’t think it has anything to do with you. There’s something fundamentally wrong with him. It might be issues from his childhood, or a feeling of never having enough or a dozen other reasons, but nothing will ever be enough for him. It wouldn’t matter who you were or what you were offering him; he would still feel that need to fuck it up.

He’s taken your marriage and screwed it up into a ball. It won’t seem like it now, but the biggest favour you could possibly do for yourself is to let that screwed up ball go. If you don’t, you will be condemning yourself to a life of pain and hurt and mistrust and, when you finally reach your limit and feel sick at the sight of him, you will be angry at yourself for wasting time you could have been rebuilding your life. Leave him now and I promise you that you will eventually feel nothing when you look at him.

Only one comment..... none of this is your fault xx

@Aud1988

OP, please screenshot the messages so he can not deny, and delete your browsing history. As a previous post suggests, take him the cleaners. I hope you have family and friends support to help you with your children. I can't imagine what this would do to your sense of trust in the future.

I 'forgave' a cheating partner, his was more than just messaging though, because I wanted to 'fix' the relationship. My forgiveness, just made me appear weak in his eyes, and he took it as a green light, to chest again, and then again. There got to a point when I had to accept I couldn't 'fix' the relationship because there wasn't one to fix! I had to accept that he didn't love me, he had zero respect for me and he didn't give two craps about my feelings. It was then, I decided enough was enough, and left. We weren't married, there were no joint finances and the house was his only - I left with my clothes and a few boxes of belongings. Your partner, like my ex, has seen the fact you want to fix the relationship, as a green light to carry on as before, because there were no real consequences. Honestly, if you stay in the relationship, this will be your life - and eventually, the messages will lead to physical cheating. It won't stay at just messages, and you will have to deal with the fall out from that too. You don't deserve to be treated in this way. Your family unit falling apart, is not your fault. It is your partner's.

Sorry you are going through this again but he obviously doesn’t care about you or his family and he’s not going to change if you stay you will be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust and if it was your dd you would be the first to say get out. You are not breaking up the family he is but seriously don’t put up with someone who thinks so little of you. Good luck op.