Found more messages - feeling completely broken (again)

[Aud1988]

Hi all, feeling utterly devastated. Found more explicit messages from my partner to another woman on Instagram - he's told her we're not together. This is the second time in under a year, after we supposedly worked through it in therapy. We have a 19-month-old and I'm newly pregnant.
Completely blindsided as things felt so much better. Now all trust is gone and I'm full of anger. I'm so worried about breaking up our family for the kids, but I can't accept this again.
Has anyone else been through repeat online infidelity? Did you leave? How did you cope with the impact on your children? Feeling lost and any shared experiences would be appreciated

So sorry for what you are going through.

I have no respect for a man like that. They deserve none. He knows exactly what he is doing by cheating again. He thinks you will forgive him again because you are 'trapped' as you have kids. He has shown you disrespect because he considers you are 'weak' to forgive him, rather than you being loving and trying to do the right thing for your family.

I agree with others who say that trust will never fully come back now and to quietly see a solicitor to see what you can get if you do decide to leave. You will then be able to make an informed decision.

Just to add that whatever you decide, don't let your kids grow up thinking their dad's behaviour is normal or accepted by you. They will know if he has checked out of his family and it will set them up for putting up with crap in their own future relationships.

No exact experience of this, but def would take this at my own pace.
Screenshot messages

It's safe to say if he does leave for this other woman they both have a shock coming because of the rather obvious baby coming! Also he will be paying for his kids, so single life will be quite hard.

You've obviously got access to his accounts. You could befriend her, and post some pics of baby bump. She will be stalking you on the Internet anyway.

I would be practical- a warm and comfy home, are you living a happy life, do you like being a sahm / further your career if you work?

You can bide your time, ducks in rows, sort out finances, have the baby knowing you are although not taking the mumsnet moral high ground, taking things at your pace and not struggling in a bedsit if that is your option.

You can leave for a few days and let him look after his son alone for a bit. Then come back and see how you feel. Do not leave the home for good, he can move out.

You can confront him, But then you lose access to see what he is doing. You aren't supposed to know. The ow will try to make sure you do know, to hurry up events.

Nightmare though. Fucking social media.

I have a good job and a good support network. I have enough money to support myself and my children for a year of maternity leave. I am not financially dependant on my children’s father.

So that's a good thing. But are you emotionally dependant on him though ? Because I wouldn't have forgiven him the first time and I hope for your sake you kick him out now. There is no coming back from this. He doesn't love you and he's a vile disgusting man. Yoi don't seem sure in your approach to this so I'm wondering if you have got low self-worth. Is he constantly putting you down as well? You deserve someone who cherishes you and respects you. He clearly doesn't and will just go on and on if you forgive him (but will be sneakier about it).

There isn’t any forgiving possible here. He clearly never meant anything he said in therapy. Every time he opened his mouth he was thinking ‘what can I say to fool her into thinking I’ve changed, so I can go out and try and find someone else to have sex with since she spoilt that arrangement I had. Bloody hell I hope it doesn’t take too long to convince the stupid woman, since I do want to live in the same house as my kids and have a woman looking after me.’

So sorry you are going through this. I understand why you would have given him a second chance when there is love and kids involved. However, he is not good long term. He’s selfish and immature to rock a family for a bit of flirting etc.

is he a good partner in other ways eg when you have the baby is he useful, will he pay for things etc. if yes and you’d get support you could stay but consider yourself as housemates. And live sort of separate lives but have lots of support. It’s easy enough to orchestrate coz you’ll be on Mat leave anyway and he’ll be working.

if it’s going to be too upsetting etc then I think the only advice I have is he won’t change and you deserve better. Whatever that looks like for you.

Oh and congratulations on the baby! Sorry his stupid actions have taken the shine off it. But you will come through the other side of this with 2 kids you adore and a little family unit without him.❤️

Then GTFO. Behaviour is a language—time to understand what he is saying with his behaviour.

With love - whats the point of him, then? He treats you like crap, you feel awful because of his actions, he obviously doesn't care about your feelings and you don't need him financially. Get rid

That’s great to read. No reason at all to cling on to this piece of shit then. Set a great example for your daughter and don’t allow her mum to be disrespected like this. Living without trust is terrible, I did it for 9 years. Walking away was so hard, I thought I could fix him too, but it was the best thing I have ever done. Meeting my husband taught me what true love is. Decent men are out there.

Good. And you’re not married. So what are the living arrangements? Who needs to move out and where are you/they going? How soon can this happen? The practicalities are hard but you can overcome them, as long as the scales have truly fallen from your eyes and you can detach emotionally from this pointless cheat.

@sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 has it right. He brings nothing good to you.

I have, my now ex husband was an online cheater, they were all emotional affairs and for various reasons I don't believe they became physical.

I've posted before about him so apologies for the repetition if anyone has read my story before.

My husband had emotional affairs from year 1 of our marriage and I wished I walked away sooner, I eventually left at year 17. I can assure you that 99.9% of them do not change and probably cannot change.

I didn't leave for various reasons - low self-esteem, pride, fear about my kids, all sorts of things. Early on it was also because I thought he couldn't help it due to his terrible upbringing.

After I left I realised how emotionally (and financially) abusive my marriage had been so that was likely another reason. I was so out of sorts from that I couldn't see the wood from the trees and lived in a state of hypervigilance.

The first time I caught my husband he denied it despite me seeing it with my own eyes. He behaved for a few months and then did it again, this time he admitted the previous emotional affair and denied the new one. That cycle continued for years until I reached the point I no longer cared and stopped checking his phone. I have no doubt he continued having emotional affairs as he was always glued to his phone.
His emotional affairs were usually with people from Facebook, usually friends of friends or people he knew from years ago. Once it was a very pretty work colleague.
My ex-husband had low self-esteem and confidence and did it for an ego boost.

When we eventually split and he moved out, despite me telling him it was over he thought I was just punishing him and would let him back so a while later when I met someone else he went absolutely mad, stalked me, broke into my house to steal stuff, just generally was mentally unwell and attempted suicide a few times. He was also sectioned.

Despite him begging I never went back. He told me he did it for the ego boost and never planned to leave me - gee thanks!!
I'd grown in strength and could say no. I told him it was the lack of respect for all those years that ground me down and there could be no going back.

My ex has also been a Knight in shining armour and I think this is where most of his emotional affairs started, women would post on Facebook something negative and he would message them being supportive and it would grow from there.

He hasnt changed at all, he started supporting a work colleague with her difficult marriage and they used to message a lot and spend time together and it became an affair and then she left her husband and they now live together.
The only problem being that she moved into the house my daughter lived in with her Dad with no warning or no meeting and so my DD promptly moved out as she didn't feel comfortable in her own home. (DD still did 50/50 between me and her Dad even after she left school).
The relationship between my DD and her Dad is hanging by a thread and has done for the last 18 months which is very hard to see.

My advice would be to run and don't look back.
You're independent and you can do this.

Get evidence of income, savings, pensions etc. Whose place do you live in? Kick him out. File for maintenance etc.

he’s forced your hand to do this. Don’t stay with him as he’s shown his true colours and feelings already. He’s scum.

@Aud1988
“I'm so worried about breaking up our family for the kids, but I can't accept this again.”

You 100% wouldn’t be breaking up your family by leaving him. HE is breaking it up by messaging other women and denying your existence. If family life is what he wants, he can step up and ensure he co-parents fairly and respectfully, and funds his children.

The other point about the pregnancy, which is 100% your decision and you have to live with - either way. You’re giving off a the vibe that you would deeply regret any decision not to continue. And to that I say 2 things.

1. so many women on here say that parenting with a deadbeat cheating partner is far harder than solo parenting. At least they don’t have a man baby to look after too.
2. In life, we play the hands we’re dealt. You’ll find a way to make it all work, because you will have to. But that’s life. And your babies will grow up with a strong woman as their role model.

This man is bringing you stress which is exactly the opposite of what you need when you’re pregnant.

What a loser. - you will be better without him. It’s wonderful that you are practically fine without him. Focus on your self and your children and be glad you found out early enough to make his departure an early fact in their lives. You could have wasted so many more years - non of this is your fault. Now he gets to see if he can be a better father than partner.

So sorry you are going through this.
Better to end sooner as the kids are so young they will never remember the two of you being together. That being said I agree with Rosie888- make a secret escape plan before you just up and leave.
When you confront him be prepared he will try to lie to you and say he had no actual intentions with the woman and that he will never do it again. Be strong - don't fall for his lies.
He is breaking up your family, not you. Feel no guilt for that.
Surround yourself with people who will support you emotionally.
Do you have any family toy can live with ?

Do something now before you have a third pregnancy, why on earth do you think he will change?

Do something now before you have a third pregnancy, why on earth do you think he will change?

This is on him, not you

I would argue that by showing his true colours, he's done you a favour

Be the naster of your own ship. Don't let him dictate your life

Stay strong, and remember, you deserve better

So sorry you going through this
There is nothing better in life than feeling safe , security and never worrying about what someone else is doing
Being a single parent is completely doable, allow him to be a father if he is worthy but fuck him right out of your bed and your heart

Fool me once . . . He won't change so if you want to have a better life you'll have to change yourself. Bin him or continue to have years more of this. Where you see forgiveness, he sees acceptance and permission to continue his behaviour.

Here's what I'd do. I'd write on that instagram; "yes you are with me, you cheating bastard. Second time I've caught you. We have a 19 month old and another on the way. News to me that we're not together!"

Catch him out like that. And the woman will see he is a cheating bastard cheating on his pregnant partner at the same time. Two birds, one stone.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. No matter what they say. If they are not doing it physically, they are doing it on-line.
I am shocked at the level of cheating described by PPs, but more shocked that many have repeatedly stayed 'because of the children'. Why martyr oneself when in effects, the kids know that their parents (their mother at least) are unhappy and that they are trying to put on an act. They note the little snipes, the dirty looks, the furtive phone calls, the moaning to other friends....

This is in no way judgmental because you are in a terrible position, but please don’t live your life like this, how can this person who treats you with so little respect be worthy of your time?
Bottling up anger and resentment is a recipe for disaster, it has terrible effects on your physical and mental wellbeing. Life is short, don’t spend it with someone who behaves like this.