Found more messages - feeling completely broken (again)

[Aud1988]

Hi all, feeling utterly devastated. Found more explicit messages from my partner to another woman on Instagram - he's told her we're not together. This is the second time in under a year, after we supposedly worked through it in therapy. We have a 19-month-old and I'm newly pregnant.
Completely blindsided as things felt so much better. Now all trust is gone and I'm full of anger. I'm so worried about breaking up our family for the kids, but I can't accept this again.
Has anyone else been through repeat online infidelity? Did you leave? How did you cope with the impact on your children? Feeling lost and any shared experiences would be appreciated

I’m obviously in love with him. He honestly blindsided me. Always giving me compliments. Saying that I’m the love of his life and that he couldn’t imagine doing life without me. He was proud at how hard I worked and how good of a mother I was. The list goes on. I definitely have low self worth. I feel so foolish. I’m not staying with him anymore. He doesn’t believe that I’m leaving but I am.

He may or may not have already physically cheated but the fact that he told her you are not together makes his intentions clear. I’m sorry OP but I do believe the saying that past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. At some point in the future he fully intends to cheat on you. He’s not content with what he has with you and that’s not your fault. Some men just want it all. He did it once, you forgave and now he’s done it again. This pattern is not going to change no matter what assurances he gives you. You are going to tie yourself into a pretzel wondering what he’s up to, trying to check his phone, trying to check where he is when he’s not at home. It will eat away at you. That’s no way to live. I’ve been there. I did it. I left him after about a year because I knew I could never trust him again and that’s not how I wanted to live my life. Now I’m married to a man who loves married life and wants to be with me. We enjoy doing things together including the same hobbies. Throw this one back and let him live that life. Go seek the life you really want with someone who wants the same thing.

Yeah I’ve confronted him. He admitted to everything. Told the other girl we weren’t together. He’s a piece of shit.

@Aud1988 "He doesn’t believe that I’m leaving but I am." Well that says it all, doesn't it OP? He clearly believes you're desperate to stay with him under any circumstances. I'd love to see the look on his face when you prove him wrong. Stay strong OP. 💪

I confronted the other woman. She claims to not have known about me but could see I was on his instagram

Yes but woman have done it before and so can I. If I terminated I would live with regret. I rather live a life of chaos than guilt.

I needed this. Thank you 😊

Lots of good heartfelt advice here op Definetly have your very much wanted baby. Full siblings going to dad’s house together is easier for the children. And your family could be complete at 2 so you will have fulfilled your desire to be a mum. Enjoy your children alone without a man. It’s great I made every decision for them myself based on my wishes. Ex was an asshole trying to make my life hard for years but I’m doing great my kids are very successful stable happy achieving and we are very close. Ex still around and they see him but he’s still an ass and sometimes to them now. Serial cheating is the tip of the iceberg of alot of issues and resulting bad behavior.

Good for you and for keeping the baby get every penny you can from him for his kids. I know you are ok financially but there still his kids. Can you not get him to leave? He’s more than a piece of shit. I would tell him to have a nice life with random women and you’re glad you have found out now. That you’re not stupid enough to forgive him again and he best get it in his thick head you mean it. Hopefully in the future you will find someone who will respect you and love you and you him. You will get over him eventually it won’t be easy but rip that plaster off get grieving for the relationship you have lost by the time baby comes along hopefully you will be on your healing journey.

Well done OP - I was tempted to suggest you make the OW aware of his family. Yeah, her response is as pathetic as his. 🙄

Also, to terminate a pregnancy is a deeply personal decision for no-one other than the woman involved and I do wish other people wouldn't give "advice" on this particular aspect. You will do whatever is right for you and your unborn child OP and you couldn't have made your feelings any clearer on the subject, so people just need to respect your decision.

That’s called love bombing to reel you back in. Text book abusers behaviour otherwise you’d just leave. Save yourself and children years of heartache and go.

So....don't know if this will help but...

I have a close fiend couple. Absolutely amazing people, so lovely and I have a lot of love and time for them.

They have been married 15+ years but apparently she found out just before the wedding that he had cheated on her a number of times. ( before I knew them). She decided to forgive and carry on with the wedding and now they have children, gorgeous house, decent income and absolutely can't stand each other.

It's horrendous. We do family days out and even the kids have picked up on the animosity. She snarks at him continuously, he used to just try to placate her but has lately started to snap back etc. She resents him massively for the cheating and just can't cope with the emotions.

I think the world of them but sometimes wish they'd just split and be happy apart. The children have stopped reacting now, which is the saddest part as the atmosphere has now become so normal to them.

And I reiterate, 15+ years of this and still going

Good for you. I would have felt the same. I'm fine with other people making a different choice but I don't think I could ever have done it.

Your decision is made - don't let anyone make you feel guilt over it xx

Has he given you any explanation of why he has done this to you and put a bomb under your marriage?

Thanks for your words - I do understand all of that, and often I’d be the one telling others LTB. I’ve only replied with this as I didn’t want the OP to get bombarded with LTB comments and not get the answer to her question.

I’ve sort of ‘gotten over it’ as time went on. It was disrespectful, had a massive effect on me at the time, and whilst I still think about it, I’m nowhere near as affected now as I was then.

For me a life where my kids had to see their dad on the weekend, or being a single mum in a flat somewhere, bringing step parents in to my kids lives was a worse scenario in my head than just turning a blind eye and in my own time getting in to a better place. I didn’t just do it for the kids (it may sound like that) but I also worked really hard to jointly buy my first home, first car, TTC, - I didn’t want to give all that up. It’s not about the material things in a way, but the energy that went in to gaining those things.

if there were physical affairs, I’m sure I would have felt different.

I would be a single parent living in flat any day over exposing myself and child to that 24/7 my daughter goes 2 days a week and decided she’s happier with just her mother a peaceful loving home. I would alays see leave over pretending. Kids are not stupid

Yes, an innocent, as yet unborn child cannot be killed. As OP says, she would live with the guilt of having done that, for the rest of her life.

This !! It absolutely astounds me that women feel comfortable advising other women to have an abortion, especially when they’ve not only expressed no desire to do so, but have in fact made it explicitly clear that they very much want their baby! Honestly , what is wrong with people?!

I think this is very wise. Plus you'll have so much anger towards him if you terminate a wanted baby. He could later tell your daughter that you terminated her sibling, too.

It’s not “disgusting” at all. It’s a possible option for her, and a sensible and practical one at that. Much easier to be single mum of 1 than 2. Less ties to Fuckwit.

But OP has said she doesn’t want to, after this poster posted, so that’s fine, but there was no harm in anyone asking if it’s an option before she replied - particularly posters who know how hard it is to be a single parent to very young children. It’s also a consideration how she would cope if her second child has any additional needs which might affect her career and ability to work to support them.

Many people suggested it before the OP indicated a strong preference to the contrary. Simply because it is a practical solution, and one many would choose. The OP doesn't want to, and that is totally valid.

when I asked him he said he doesn’t know why he does it. All he gets is the thrill of another woman flirting with him and he would never go any further than that. I asked him if he feels guilty when he’s writing these sexual messages and he says no. He has addictive behaviours. It’s a dopamine hit for him.

@Aud1988 So he feels no guilt whatsoever whilst betraying you online? Wow. And the reason he indulges in this behaviour online is because it gives him a thrill? Despite the fact that, having worked with a counsellor and you forgiving him previously, he knows the damage it does to your marriage. Just wow.
I wonder how much of a "thrill" he'll get when sexting is all he has left and you are creating a lovely life for you and your DC?
Yup, sorry OP, your characterisation of him as a POS is entirely accurate - a juvenile, pathetic POS at that.

Sadly it's all about him, him, him. Nothing you've said there suggests he is in anyway bothered about the effect his behaviour is having on you. He really isn't relationship or marriage material, that's the unvarnished truth.

its good you're finding a way through this, with dignity because he sure as hell doesn't have your best interests at heart.

your parting gift to him is "off you go and have your dopamine hit elsewhere, I'm outa here"