Found more messages - feeling completely broken (again)

[Aud1988]

Hi all, feeling utterly devastated. Found more explicit messages from my partner to another woman on Instagram - he's told her we're not together. This is the second time in under a year, after we supposedly worked through it in therapy. We have a 19-month-old and I'm newly pregnant.
Completely blindsided as things felt so much better. Now all trust is gone and I'm full of anger. I'm so worried about breaking up our family for the kids, but I can't accept this again.
Has anyone else been through repeat online infidelity? Did you leave? How did you cope with the impact on your children? Feeling lost and any shared experiences would be appreciated

This is good to read OP - you have choices and self-determination.
My stomach lurched when I read your original post - I can only imagine how sad, upset and angry you must feel. It must be clear to you now that your "D"H was merely paying lip-service to your couples counselling - he was just playing the game with no real grasp of the devastation he's caused, no real guilt about doing so, and no real intent to change his behaviour. I'm so sorry.
I don't have any personal experience of what you're going through, but can relate a couple of similar experiences of my knowledge. The first one, an acquaintance, was repeatedly cheated on by her husband of decades (they have three, now adult, children) but are still together. She clearly knew her DH was a philanderer, but chose to tolerate it (he even left her for over 3 years for an OW, but came back - and she allowed him to! 😱 ). I think she thought he'd eventually slow down in old age and start behaving himself - and it appears he has and that's obviously enough for her. On the other hand, a dear friend of mine tolerated her DH's long-term affair (for almost two decades) as they also had a young child and as my friend was the product of a broken home herself, she didn't want that for their DC. However, "playing the long game" didn't work out for her and he eventually left her for the OW (they are still together). My friend was heart-broken and will likely never get over his betrayal although she has practically moved on and created a lovely life for herself with her DC and now DGC.
Only you know what you can and want to tolerate OP, but I think it must be clear to you by now what your "D"H is and what he will continue to subject you to. As PPs have pointed out and it's sadly true, some people see forgiveness as permission to carry on just as they've been doing - they think their partners are desperate and will keep taking them back. Think about how you feel right now OP - is this the way you want to feel for years if you stay with him? Is this how you want to feel if he repeatedly betrays you and eventually leaves you? Alternatively, what sort of "prize" will you have won if he continually cheats on you but stays with you into old age?
If you carry on as you are, you will be invested in your little family while he will continue living his life as if you and your DC don't exist. Personally, I think you should tell him what an appalling "D"H and father he is and kick him into touch - but only you can decide what to do next. Very best of luck with your decision-making OP. 🤗

I stayed with my partner for the sake of the children and when the last one went to uni it was like living in a prison, I'd have preferred to drive all evening rather than go home.In my case it was about my partner's prescription drug abuse and total dishonesty.
I'm now in my late 50's, dh is dead and it's very difficult to rebuild my life. If I had it all to do again I'd have left at those early stages, like when I had my first child and he emptied my bank account, kept my bank statements from me and checked my phone daily.
You've gone through a counseling process with him and he's shown himself as being totally unworthy of you.

What a well considered response, beautifully put.

Don't be upset. Be angry. That cold calculating angry. Use that anger to get one step ahead of the cheating bastard. Get an STI check then gather documents and see a solicitor. Get the best deal for your children.

I'm glad you have support. Does he know you know?

There's no family to break up. He sat in therapy and lied to your face. Get angry and get out. You have means, so you have choice. That's more than a lot of women.

Not judging you, I get it. It’s just very sad.

I hope that when the kids are old enough you give yourself a chance to find happiness.

This is all his fault, he’s an idiot. You are worth more, kick him to the kerb. He does not deserve you. Not your problem that he has something missing from his soul that he’s done this. Don’t feel sorry for him, be disdainful and protect yourself, your assets and your children.

I'm so sorry for what your late partner put you through. It's truly disturbing what some people in this world think they can inflict on another person; as if they are entitled to do so - it's just unfathomable. I'm sure OP will find your personal experience very helpful in her decision-making - thank you for sharing it. And very best of luck with rebuilding your life now you're free of him - you will get there, one step at a time. 🤗

I pity the poor sap he's trying to get with, but then I'd be very wary of getting together with a man who had such a young child

@Redpeach I do too, but the OW he's been messaging doesn't know this pig has a partner, young child and new baby ... yet.

Totally agree with @Backagainformorepunishment - it is HIM who has broken up your family. I went though this many years ago, both my DC were babies. I was financially dependent, I was absolutely horrified at the thought of my children not having a typical 'family unit', BUT, I knew in my heart I could not forgive infidelity long term. It shattered all my dreams of what actually cositituted a 'happy family', he had had an affair, I was blindsided, but the lying, the deceit, the pathetic signs of remorse, etc.. just didn't cut it for me. My gut told me I had to divorce and move on. It turned into a horrendous separation and divorce, he made my life hell for years, (also cheated on OW), but I stayed local to him and (resentfully) co-parented, even though I wanted to run away at the time to get a million miles away from 'him'. However, 20 years down the line, I am the happiest I could ever be. I remarried and then separated, (again my gut told me that the relationship was never going to make me happy), but for different reasons. I am finally living the dream; sat in the sun in my own garden, with my dogs and cat, nobody can take the roof over my head away, and I now I have two kids who grew up to be healthy and happy and are now living their own lives with their partners. They also remained close with their dad. It can be done but it is devastating at the time. Try and get through the upset of now - and one day, you will look back and wonder how one SINGLE human being, could have had such a devastating impact on your life. Be strong - you've got this.

I can only add to this from a child's point of view. My Dad was unfaithful to my Mum time and time again. All I remember from childhood was Mum finding out, screaming/shouting/rows, lots of hysterical crying, then forgiveness and hysterical bonding again. For a while all would be calm, then we'd start the cycle over. It only stopped when he fell in love with one of them, and left for good. It took me years as an adult to trust a man. Even though I adored my Dad unconditionally, I didn't want to be a victim of one myself... and DH took years to break though the steel walls I'd built around myself.

Once a man cheats and you forgive, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of that repeated behaviour. Show your DC better.

If you're newly pregnant, do you definitely want to continue with this pregnancy? Having a termination at this stage would be far easier than going through pregnancy/childbirth/parenting a baby with someone who cheats on you and denys your existence. Having 2 small children will make navigating this even harder for you.

I just don’t agree, sorry. Parents that can pretend for the sake of the kids and get along fine is better than the awful awful moving between parents houses/ new partners/ sad times at special occasions.

Yes, I agree with this. It’s hard when a woman thinks she’s got one of the first category but he turns out to be from the second. Realistically he’s not likely to change. Life will always be full of anxiety and suspicion if you stay with a bloke in the second category. OP is in a strong financial position and I hope she can focus on her worth and her needs, and how her DC will benefit from a happy and calm mum, and dump this cheating bastard.

What a bastard! Does he know that you know?

You have your answer right there.
He has no respect for your relationship whatsoever. You’ll try to fix it, you’ll soldier on forgiving him and taking his empty promises that he won’t cheat again. But he will and his excuses will be he felt locked out because of the baby, you were too tired for sex because of a new baby—- it’ll never be his fault, his choice to look elsewhere. He has no qualms about lying about you.
Your children will never know any different than they will live with a happier mum who’s not always having to check up on a cheat.

Of course there is family. @Aud1988 will soon have 2 children.

That is @Aud1988 's family unit.

You need to leave, I left with an 18 month old. He didn’t make it easy for me but she’s almost 12 and we are really happy. He just repeated the same pattern with another woman. My daughter just told me this week she doesn’t want to stay over anymore because all they do is argue. Men like this do not change from my experience.

I have lived this experience multiple times (probably 10 or more) with the same partner..over 18yrs of my life and 3 children together. Every time followed the same pattern and every fall out would result in love bombing and I’d try and convince myself he would never do it again..but in the end I carried all the emotions and it resulted in physical and psychological distress. I have therapy and one of my saddest realisations is that I have very few memories of my children as babies/young children due to anxiety that I was carrying at this time. It consumed my life.

In my relationship he engaged in emotional affairs (probably physical too) exchanging photos etc. all with women from his work..I couldn’t see it at the time but it was actually a small part of a highly abusive and controlling relationship...if there are any signs/signals of abuse in your relationship leave as soon as possible for the benefit of your children.

My absolute regret is not leaving when they were young..because I was pregnant/had young children/ wasn’t working etc.i believe now he intentionally acted in the moments when I was most vulnerable knowing I couldn’t leave..it has taken me years to get out of a very toxic situation and my children have suffered terribly.

i also kept everything secret from family/friends because I feared judgement. I now believe if I’d shared/been honest about what was happening in our home it would have helped me to have support to leave much sooner.

It's already broken, though. He lies and cheats. There's nothing to save.

Agree with 101Nutella

"Oh and congratulations on the baby! Sorry his stupid actions have taken the shine off it. But you will come through the other side of this with 2 kids you adore and a little family unit without him.❤️"

Please do not terminate a baby you want because your husband is a shit.

But do get legal advice before showing your hand.

This is such good advice - there is no family now.