Found more messages - feeling completely broken (again)

[Aud1988]

Hi all, feeling utterly devastated. Found more explicit messages from my partner to another woman on Instagram - he's told her we're not together. This is the second time in under a year, after we supposedly worked through it in therapy. We have a 19-month-old and I'm newly pregnant.
Completely blindsided as things felt so much better. Now all trust is gone and I'm full of anger. I'm so worried about breaking up our family for the kids, but I can't accept this again.
Has anyone else been through repeat online infidelity? Did you leave? How did you cope with the impact on your children? Feeling lost and any shared experiences would be appreciated

I think take a breather, talk to your therapist and get your ducks in a row.

get some advice from a solicitor. I understand it’s hard to take the jump and make the once to be alone and end the family you’ve created. But he remember it his choice.

there’s no need to rush, make a plan move quietly. You and your baby will be alright.

There are two types of men in this world. Those whose focus is to build family, and a meaningful life, and those who never grow out of the teenage years of sexual adventure and enslavement to their ego.

Honestly, this isn't about fidelity, it's about your whole future life on all levels.

I found explicit messages on my son’s dad phone six weeks after giving birth. I stayed for a while but i couldn’t get past it. 9 years later, I have a great partner who I trust completely, bought my own house, had another child and a dog. It was a hard period of my life but things do get better. I’ve got the life I’ve always dreamed off now. Hope you are ok, I was a single mum for 5 years and it wasn’t easy but it was so rewarding

Could you possibly be less kind and empathetic?

OP has already said that she wants this baby so telling her to abort is horrible. If she wants to terminate, she should be given full support for that decision, but if she wants to keep the baby, she should receive the same support. None of this is her fault.

I have him on find my app

If I was a sneaky man, I'd just leave the phone at a friend's, work etc. and use a second burner/payg phone.

You know where his phone is, you don't know where he is.

My ex was interacting with someone online promised he’d put a stop to it then it turned out he hadn’t. Definitely an emotional affair. Probably more. I realised afterwards he wasn’t who I thought, it sounds like you’re in a similar situation. It was awful at the time, he kept lying but I had completely lost trust. Your children are young it will be hardwork for you but they won’t know any different. I will say my ex moved on with someone fast which hurt again. But a few years on I’m so happy in my own right, I think everyone deserves that. I would say take one day at a time, therapy and journaling helped. Good luck op.

You jumped fairly quickly into forgiving him last time, if you're newly pregnant and he last cheated under a year ago. You trauma bonded.

But this is who he is. He's showing you that very clearly. It's barely been a year and he's at it again.

He's not very bright, and a lecherous creep.

Have the baby or not, you'll be better better off without him.

No need for such nastiness.

The only silver lining is that the kids are too young (not even born in one case obviously) to know any different than a household with you and visits to their Dad.

It's worth telling you that if you qualify for any UC, which might be in your interests to do, you get 85% childcare paid up to a cap of around 1600 a month.
You can still work some hours but obviously the more you work the more your UC goes down - until you don't receive any and then would not get child care..So somewhere in the middle is ideal.

I do have self respect, termination is not an option. I looked after my daughter quite well and I’m sure I’ll do a good job with this baby.

Not sure I would do that, but if I did, I’d include the link to this thread!

Op, when someone is behaving like this they're either not into you (even though they're happy to go along with being with you, shagging you etc.) ..... Or they're just a cheater, and it doesn't matter if they're into you or not.

In the first scenario, no point in staying with and being treated like shit by someone who's not into you.

In the second there is no point in staying and being treated like shit by a habitual cheater who's always on the pull etc.

Telling the OP that she can terminate her unborn child is absolutely disgusting. How do you know that child isn't much wanted and loved. The OP can still have her baby and not be with the cheating husband you know.

I don't understand ppl saying get a termination. You made a decision to have another child together and why should you give this up.
I haven't had the insta sort of thing but had my exh cheat whilst I was pregnant which I was told about 10 days post partum by him that he wanted to leave. I didn't play the pick me game but gave him 2 hours to make a final decision and he stayed. We also had a second child moved to our forever home and after 4 months he left me with a huge mortgage a 3 and 1 year old and debt.(He had not paid nursery)
You can do this alone. My kids were and still are my world. You are financially in a good place with a career, you can more than do this you can excel. It won't be easy at times but a life where you and your children come first is so worth it. Good luck, hope your pregnancy goes well. Look forward to the baby. Don't overthink the why, that's on him.

You are vile.

The fact that you found them on his Instagram means he wasn’t even particularly bothering to hide them. 😢

Been in a similar situation. I stopped trusting myself and stayed over and over again until I realised he is an exploitative liar and would continue to do this. Which he did with the OW / his next wife. (No sympathy for her.)

Pregnancy makes women vulnerable and some men can’t resist taking advantage of that. I left, child was 2 and doesn’t consciously remember anything of that time.

I believe my husband loved me then, I certainly loved him, and he felt I betrayed him by leaving, but he was dishonest and unfaithful and he created an unhealthy environment in which to raise our children.

i wish it could have been different but this was my response to his recurring behaviour and I protected myself and my family. I wish I’d left him earlier. Ten years on, what do you want for yourself and your children? I suspect you will never feel safe with him again. You deserve to be loved in à respectful manner.

My ex cheated after 27 years. Our children are older and they know what he did.
Please don't take him back. You are only delaying your life and healing. He will do this again and again.
Cut him loose now. He broke you up, not you. Your little one won't know any different. I honestly think if you separate when childrne are younger it hurts them less .
Mine are in counselling from what their dad did.
Im sorry your in the club.
I can recommend some fb groups for support if you're on there, as well as a really good reddit page. I spent hours on there after I caught my ex. It really helped me

There are some vile, disrespectful and unempathetic people on your thread @Aud1988 you have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for. I hope you can work your way through this latest situation. Do you have any RL support to talk things through with you and consider the right options given your current circumstances with the baby on the way?

I'm so sorry for what your going through OP. Not quite infidelity here mine was anger issues and addiction. I just wanted to echo what most other parents are saying. This is not on you this is on him. My child is thriving and to be honest we are both so much happier away from my ex. Children are very resilient and being honest its easier as they are so young to make changes now they likely will remember very little if any if the next 3-4 years. This whole thought process that children need to be from 2 parent households or else they won't be raised "properly" or be as happy as other children is quite frankly bs. If you have a daughter, would you encourage her to stay and be unhappy and just accept an unfaithful partner because that's all shes worth or because of the kids? No way in hell. Please do not suffer for the rest of your life wondering if and when he will cheat again just because you have kids to him. You and the kids will be okay in fact better than okay youl be a lot happier in a few months time. The thought of change is scary, you don't know any different. You will never be alone you will always have your children and maybe even family support. And you can't think of it at this stage but one day you may even go on to meet a genuine man who treats you with the love and respect you deserve but that one takes time to build trust and confidence again. Please stop thinking I can't and think why can't I? You are so much stronger than what you know. You do not need this dead beat guy to be happy and your kids don't need the example of 2 ppl living together one of whom will be severely unhappy and full of anxiety and paranoia on the look out for other women always wondering to be happy either. Trust your kids will be fine whether they have 1 parent or 2 parents at separate households. There are books u can use to explain things they will surprisingly just carry on as normal you have the blessing you are still in pregnancy with the other very young.

He's such a shit person and father too - doing this, knowing you're pregnant and if you found out he'd be subjecting you to a load of upset, stress etc. during pregnancy and while trying to look after his young child.

This is why I will never subscribe to the BS view that a man can be a shit partner but a good Dad; it doesn't divide up neatly like that.

The last thing a mother needs for her physical and mental health is a cheating man causing her distress.

I think you've responded to the wrong person.
My post was in response to the awful PP who said get a termination and some self-respect.
I responded saying there was no need for such nastiness.

Also, if you have the baby, your daughter will have a full sibling, which is always nice, if possible.

As for your STBX, he has no respect for you. If you’re not financially dependent on him, you’re in a strong position. Leave him to his philandering ways. Don’t worry about the impact on the kids. It’s the best time to split as they won’t remember you ever being together or splitting. To them, you being apart will be normal.

Being a lone mother is hard and you can get lonely. Holidays are the trickiest thing. So, best to go away with family and friends if you can. But there are also many upsides, such as not having to compromise with a partner or put up with all their annoying habits.

What a horrible silly man. He doesn’t deserve your tears.
He will regret this, but in time you will be fine.

In the words of nora Ephron, you didn't split the first time because you thought he had learned his lesson. Unfortunately the lesson he learned was he can fuck around and get away with it.