Found more messages - feeling completely broken (again)

[Aud1988]

Hi all, feeling utterly devastated. Found more explicit messages from my partner to another woman on Instagram - he's told her we're not together. This is the second time in under a year, after we supposedly worked through it in therapy. We have a 19-month-old and I'm newly pregnant.
Completely blindsided as things felt so much better. Now all trust is gone and I'm full of anger. I'm so worried about breaking up our family for the kids, but I can't accept this again.
Has anyone else been through repeat online infidelity? Did you leave? How did you cope with the impact on your children? Feeling lost and any shared experiences would be appreciated

For your children’s sake leave him now ! He doesn’t love you or have any respect for you

Don't waste anymore years of your life hoping your husband will change. I wasted 4 years and I was convinced I had at last saved our marriage.
She would say there was no contact then I would find photographs and messages. This went on and on.
The final straw was her arranging a school trip and organising it so he was one of the staff and they could spend time together.
The constant lack of trust will destroy you if you don't escape

I have not been in this position.

I do not know what I would do.

However, I think Rosie8880

Has good advice... "Not been through this but your post popped up. I’m so sorry. From a purely financial POV I’d hold your nerve and get legal advice on your home and finances so he has no idea that you are researching your position. If you are able and have space you could use pregnancy as an excuse and that you need to sleep alone atm. This will give you space to think and also not have to sleep next to him."

Lots of practical things.

Are you married?

Do you own or rent?

Please do not do anything in a hurry regarding your pregnancy, if you want the baby go ahead but make sure your partner will be supporting both children.

Good luck.

Personally, I'd get rid. He's the one that's broken up your family, not you. Sending hugs - I appreciate you must be feeling very vulnerable right now. The cycle will only continue if you let it. You can make a life for yourself and your DC - it'll be hard at times, no doubt, but better that than a lifetime of wondering what he's doing.

I found out I was pregnant just before I found out he was cheating on me. At the time we were in what I thought a happy/loving relationship. I was very wrong.

Did he care and realise the consequences after you left?

He will grind you down overtime and treat you like a doormat.
Get out of it now Mumsnet is littered with threads where no good comes of staying for the kids because it's no life for them and it certainly isn't for you.

It’s never just messages. Messages are what you found. There will be other chats, other apps, other secrets you haven’t discovered because he’s hidden it better. You will have found the tip of the ice burg only. Cheating is addictive and whatever you think you know is not the full picture.

Fortunately, going through a breakup now won't have any negative impact on your 19mth old. Co-parenting might, but you cannot stay in this marriage. It will be much healthier for you and your children to not have this lying, cheating man in your home.

An old pal continuously took back a lying cheater for TEN years... She really regrets it now...

He took her forgiveness as a green ligjt for next affair.

He always said he'd learnt and it wouldn't happen again.

There were at least eight other women.

She only dumped him when child was 8-she was hugely damaged by it.

He eventually shagged her close pal... Vile behavior and then she finally dumped him.

It really doesn’t matter if he sees the light after you leave. You don’t leave to make him a better person. You leave because you have one life and spending it with a serial cheater is a waste and bad for your kids.

Forget about him. Concentrate on making your best life.

He's completely crapped all over your generous decision to forgive him last time. He's no good. This is going to happen again and again if you stay with him. Get rid of him because you will never have peace of mind.

Have a think over what to do about your pregnancy. I don't know your views, but maybe termination is a consideration? I'm guessing though this is a much-wanted baby and you may not be willing to terminate just because its father is an arsehole.

So sad for you xx

He's not going to change. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Honestly you deserve better. Why is he eyeing up random thots on Instagram? Your kids will sense if you are unhappy in your relationship; they're not stupid, they pick up on it. And you have a right to feel happy and valued in your relationship.

I know it's difficult but I think you need to show this loser the door....

Of course he will regret it! Because his life is harder, more expensive and doesnt have a free housekeeper in it.

Think about that.....

As a child my Father cheated repeatedly on my Mother. I never knew when and if he'd be home, girlfriend after girlfriend happened and he left us so many times. . Please, for the sake of your children leave him. Much better to have separated and happy parents than always be wondering where your Father is as a child.

Of course other people break up with people who cheat on them.

What's the urge to spin out the misery and have more kids with this guy?

Is there no one in your real life to point out how delusional you're being?

Yes terminating would be easier but I just couldn't do it. I would have so much regret. As hard as it’s going to be on my own, my daughter brings me so much joy and so will this baby.

You can’t see it now, but give it time and you will be living without doubt, without betrayal, without hope that this will be the last time he cheats. Without having to see his lying, cheating, disloyal face over the dining table every day. Living without all of the above and thanking everything you had the courage to be free of him.

Say nothing, get your ducks in a row and DO it, he doesn’t deserve a faithful partner. And you deserve peace in your life. Wishing you all the luck.

Hard though it will feel, finding those messages is a gift to you. You now know for sure how he feels and what he thinks. This information empowers you to decide how you want to live your life.

@Aud1988, you’ve been in a false reconciliation with a serial cheat and liar who has manipulated you, the counselor, and the therapy sessions.

Your children are already in a broken home. Would you advise your daughter to keep forgiving a future unfaithful partner?

Kick him out, @Aud1988. He is not a good man. If you stay, you will be sentencing yourself to a life of anxiety and mistrust, and your children will be absorbing a toxic relationship model.

I just wanted to come on here to say: if you do end up being a single mother, some of my happiest memories (and theirs) are of me alone with my two babies. Eldest is now 21. We were the 3 musketeers. So close. I’m so sorry he has hurt you. Try if you can to stay as calm as you can for that baby and for your other little girl.

Sometimes when such horrendous things happen you feel like ‘what was the point of that’ but as your life unfolds you’ll see your best life was waiting for you and was still to come.

He might end up being a decent co parent with you but for some reason (likely childhood stuff) he’s fucked this right up.

If you want to stay that’s okay too but I just wanted to let you know being alone with your kids is also very beautiful. Those are the days I wish to have back.

Sending you all the love.

♥️

But is that the best thing for your child and the baby? Practically speaking.

The children will have a loving mother who will do her best for them. That's the important bit.