To want to quit my very high paying job & go back to earning minimum wage for the sake of my mental health?

[WannaQuit]

Just want to start this thread by saying this is in no way an humble brag, and is just me trying to figure out if I am about to make the biggest mistake of my life by leaving my job behind and the salary that comes with it, or if I am right in thinking that mental health is more important and that while, yes, I will miss the income, I should be alright and won’t regret prioritizing my peace of mind and mental health which is what I am absolutely dying to do right now.

It’s gonna be long sorry but it’s such a life changing decision I would rather give as many details as possible than not enough so:

For background:

I am soon to be 30, and come from a very poor family with lots of abusive and toxic behavior, violence, social services and food banks were part of my childhood and is a big reason why I have made the choices I have made this far life wise, and also why it’s hard to currently make the choice I want to make without guilt and without questioning myself.

Mental health is normally absolutely paramount to me, as I have fought so so hard to go back to having a decent mental health after leaving my home at age 16 (currently still in therapy) but, I feel I have given up on it for money lately and on the other hand, growing up with scarsity has made me both resourceful when it comes to making money and developing my earning potential yet also VERY anxious about making any decision that negatively impact my finances.

That’s for the personal background.

Now here is my dilemma:

Over the last decade I have gone from earning well below minimum wage to earning way above what I could have ever hoped for. My current salary is about £14k a month. That’s beyond what I could ever hope to earn and also pretty much a salary I will never find again if I quit (even if I was to stick to what I do career wise at that level, I think I could go back to a £4-5k a month job, or maybeee and that would be a big maybe 7-8k) .

On the other hand for that amount of money I pretty much have no life. I need to be available 24/7, (not rare that I have finished working at 3am and then been expected to be up for work again at 6am for example).

My current working environment is also not the best. In fact it’s pretty poor.

There is is a massive lack of communication (which at times feels massively purposeful)
making everything a lot more stressful than it needs to be, my boss goes through massive mood swings that make the work environment a place where walking on eggshells is the norm and a daily occurrence. I have gone through endless passive aggressive behaviors as well as been at the receiving end of plenty of ongoing rudeness and genuinely abusive behaviors, that topped with endless schedule changes and no appreciation whatsoever. It’s ROUGH. Genuinely rough. And honestly mentally I have been feeling more and more broken as time go by.

I was in a two years relationship when starting this job as an example but this job put so much stress on me that my relationship didn’t survive, my job is also abroad so I am away from home a lot and that’s obviously hard on many levels and keeps me isolated a lot of the time.

I am at a point where I want to QUIT. I want to dedicate myself and my people time, I want to enjoy my home, I want to go back to feeling like I have a life and like my life matters, and I want to be there enough to be able to commit to doing things (going to the gym, piano lessons, fostering dogs/cats, seeing my therapist more regularly, that kind of thing that I absolutely have no possibility to do right now).

From a heart and mental health point of you my body is absolutely screaming at me to finally take that step and quit and enjoy a couple of months with no work and then going back to a much simpler life with a much lower salary (something along the lines of 20-30k a year which is still a lot more than what I was making 5 years ago). Yet as soon as I convince myself to take the step, my mind start panicking and thinking “what if I regret not holding on longer and saving more?” as obviously with this salary each month counts. A few months ago my plan was to quit next december, then it got reduced to August, then May and now I really feel like I need to bite the bullet and quit now (May is gonna be extremely busy and stressful and so I know I will be treated very poorly while working under the worst conditions likely.) Most people I am close to have either quit or are actually putting in their notice this month. It’s bad. (We don’t all earn the same but we are all equally burned out.)

From a financial point of view I am only 29 but I have tried to make “smart” choices along the way (within my limited knowledge and low financial education) and tried to secure my future as much as I could, but again I come from a poor family with massive money management issues so I am afraid what I think is secured investments and the right choices to normally be okay if I quit, are NOT actually as smart or as secure as I think and obviously my family and everyone who knows my salary keeps pushing for me to stay in this job for the money (but have no clue what it’s like to actually work at the capacity I work at) and I keep doubting myself as a result.

Currently my financial situation is as followed:

• Saving wise I have about 50k saved up (they are on saving accounts so do bring me a little bit in interests each year, I do not know enough about investing to invest them nor am I willing to risk them as they are my main tangible way out of this job.

• Housing wise I have bought my first property outright 2 years ago, it’s in a touristy city by the sea (not in the UK) and it’s where I reside when not at work. It’s in a country where property is still affordable so not an expensive property but it has doubled in value since I have bought it (not that it matters because it’s my home and I have absolutely no intention of selling it but just to express that worst case scenario I do have a home I could sell, and it’s in my sole name as I have bought it alone.)

• Currently I am in the process of buying a second property with someone very very close and dear to me (not a partner), I could have done without buying a second property but I really wanted that person to get access to the housing ladder and I know my salary would easily allow for us to get a joint mortgage something this person wouldn’t be able to do alone. We have been approved for a 100% mortgage. This property is located in a better area than my own home and therefore cost double what I have paid mine, but it’s an investment for both of us and the goal is to rent it out and it should easily both pay for itself and give us a little something on top (+ it’s very likely to increase in value short to long-term). The property requires some work not too much but likely about 10k worth so half of that would have to come out of my savings if not a bit more and obviously before it’s rented we would have to pay the repayments (£600/month so £300 each).

• I have a small debt linked to my first apartment, I could technically pay it off right now with my savings but I have just been following the payment plan. But obviously don’t want to stop paying if I quit.

So that’s about it, that’s the global vision of my current situation. I am extremely aware of how lucky I am. I know I have a lot more than most at not yet 30 than many will even have in their lives and I am extremely grateful to have what I have and be where I am at. On the other hand I am beyond stressed, and I feel that once you start earning a certain amount there is this monumental pressure to stay at that level and keep working harder and harder, but honestly I dream of getting back to my old life when I actually had a life, and where I didn’t sell my soul for money. I dream of doing a simple job even for minimum wage and going home every night and being PRESENT. But am I being naive? Like I have said, even 5 years ago I was still earning below minimum wage and worrying about money so it’s definitely not lost on me how lucky I am and also what the reality is. But I feel the choices I have made along the way mean that even if I was to go back to a minimum wage job I should still be okay, and less stressed? But am I being massively delusional? Parts of me feel like if I can’t relax now when I have all of this when will I ever feel like I can (I don’t have kids). But I am also currently massively massively burned out, so I am scared I will regret my decision no matter which one I take.

So what would you if you were me? Would you quit your job and accept the massive hit financially to get your life and mental health back? Or would you keep going for a while even if it means no personal life for as long as you keep at it? There will always be the possibility to get back to this career (at a much lower salary) if I quit, as I have now made a bit of a name for myself in the industry and don’t think I will lose that, but if I do quit I 100% need a proper break from this career, I have had many panic attacks this year (something I had never had before) due to this job and so would need to work in something else entirely for a while if I want my mental health to have a shot at recovering, so it’s very likely I would go back to minimum wage or 30k/year max if I am lucky in any other industry due lack of experience and studies.

I appreciate all opinions and advice including those telling me to give myself a wobble, just remember that my mental health is not currently at its best so try not to be too cruel if possible in your messages. I have massive anxieties related to both finances and abuse due to my background and I currently feel like having to pick abuse for money or lose my financial safety to stop abuse and it is an anxiety filled decision for me. I have also felt the need to name change because I have shared way too many personal information in this post but I am a long-standing member of Mumsnet.

Thank you in advance for any and all advice/ answers, I genuinely appreciate anyone taking the time to share their opinion and help me out in this decision.

Sorry to hear about your husband it must have been a very hurtful feeling but yes, I have made the same mistake and I feel so guilty about it. I loved my ex partner and just wanted them to be able to wait for me an extra year while I saved up as much as I could, for us. I regret that choice now, because I know they felt the same way, it’s done now obviously, but the break up was another wake up call for me and is a big reason as to why I feel I have been prioritizing completely wrong and that by running after savings I am gonna keep missing out on what matters, both people and connecting with life and my surroundings.

As to where I am spending my money. A few months ago I was paid less than half of what I currently earn despite being in the same position. I just renegotiated my salary, so it’s very recent that I actually earn that much, and I have used the extra income to finish renovations in my own home, pay my bills, reimburse the biggest chunk of my debt (over 20k I have reimbursed since December), help a few people out, and also treat myself and others (I like to travel and feel so lucky and so I have been trying to take my loved ones on their dream trip whenever possible) the rest I do save.

I miss out on so much life that when I am allowed back into my life I do feel like I have a tendency to play catch up and maybe over indulge myself and haven’t been as savvy as I could have been (in fact I do know I haven’t). But like I have said, my environment hasn’t changed I don’t hang out with high earners, all my loved ones are on minimum wage and so I want to share my good luck and would feel terrible not picking up the tab at a bar or restaurant, etc… when it’s almost “nothing” to me but could make a real difference for them. I want to stress that I have a very very lovely group of friends and nobody is taking advantage of me or expecting me to pay their way, they would all pay their share and even my share if I let them (I just don’t want to let them though they have many times anyway). I know I could have saved more, a lot more, making different financial choices but it’s very important to me to share what I have, I would NOT be happy living in a way where I am saving every penny I earn by splitting bills with friends and keeping all of my resources to myself and not securing my siblings. It was always very clear to me that if I ever managed to get a better lifestyle I wanted others to also benefit from it, if something good happens to me I want it to be a shared experience. That mindset is not gonna change and that’s why it’s also hard to quit because I won’t have the same buying power and won’t be able to help at the capacity I have been helping so far. It’s a tough call emotionally for me, but I do feel it’s maybe a necessary step to take as I already feel lucky I have been able to help in some way and would rather preserve my own mental health over preserving my buying power/helping capacity if a choice needs to be made between the two.

Reading all this, I am grateful for labour laws in the UK and EU.

Do you think the business might be some kind of tax dodge, and that's why the employer seems to care so little about anything? I'd consider anonymously reporting them to their tax authority some time after you've left.

Are you a PA? I can imagine that being horrendous at a certain level.

TL;DR.

I didn't read past you own your property outright and have £50k saved and are not even 30.

Why would you continue? The only reason to keep a job like this is if you need that money to live. And you clearly do not.

You only get one life to live, you can't take the money with you - so go live. I'm currently working my arse off with the aim of dropping right back down to a much less intense role in a few years. I need my salary at the moment to do that though.

Hi OP. Your updates are making your job sound even worse. Particularly if your employer are causing trouble for the ex employee with immigration. Do you have your passport? I think under the circumstances I don’t think I could stick it out. There is a reason you are being paid all this money but sounds like they want their pound of flesh with it.

I appreciate you want to help your family but I think you need to think of yourself in the interim before you burn out and then when you’re in a better place and have a better job, you can resume your assistance.

You’ve done extraordinarily well for yourself to be in the position you are at your age. (I’m mid 40s and don’t even own a property) so I think you should cut yourself some slack.

The second I clocked your monthly salary was £14K I immediately thought 'you'd have to sell your soul for that' and reading further it appears you do. I've only skim read but you must have some in demand skills to get that salary, qualified or not, so don't put down your own abilities! You sound driven, hungry and smart and self aware beyond your 29 years. Once someone has 'pulled themselves up by their bootstraps' from a less privileged background I think it's harder to make the decision to step away than for someone who's had to strive less for the same. I'd say drop this job, it's clearly not sustainable. Your health is your wealth. You also don't have a contract, probably because if you are working more than you are sleeping it breaks a few employment laws. Aside from that, no contract means they could get shot of you tomorrow. I don't know or need to know what you do but dropping to a £4 to £5k income is still a high salary however you say conditions may be similar. I'm guessing you are on call in some capacity which can't be a long term life plan. You are 29, you have plenty of time to do that 5 year course, change direction, do something else and build a life of your own outside work. It's good you've realised this. And again, noone at any age earns the higher or lower end salaries you've mentioned without having a great skillset, which are always transferrable in the weirdest of ways, good luck in what you decide!

The more of your posts I read OP, the less empathy I feel. Just quit - you have the money to do so. If it’s that bad, stop procrastinating. You are young, rich for 29 and have NO dependents. You have quite a large financial cushion relatively for a single 29 yr old. Nothing bad will happen - take a few months off for a break and reassess. Most people cannot afford to be in your shoes.

I have been in your shoes but with a lesser salary at more or less the same age. I couldn’t afford to quit just like that but my way out was to apply for another job which is what most people would do. The pay differential may not be as huge but you claim to be happy with a minimum wage job so DO IT for the sake of your health. When you get to the stage that the job stress is clearly not worth the money (been there, done that!) you need to leave asap.

But what happens with your 2nd property if you quit? At a 100% mortgage the payments are not going to be cheap. How will that go?

I presume the OP works for an A list celebrity couple

I would do another year while looking for another role. Could you consider a senior public sector role - still v stressful and less money but perhaps more rewarding and a bit more space for work life balance. I absolutely wouldnt quit with nothing to go to- the job market is awful and you don’t want to burn through all you’ve achieved and struggled for. But putting a one year deadline might make things mentally easier- just make sure you have a plan for what happens at that point.

keep me in my job no matter the conditions and that’s why I feel like each week I stay is a week where I prove them right somehow, because if that job was paid any lower than I am paid now I would absolutely not be here writing this, I would have packed and left a long time ago and not given it even a second thought.

this sounds a bit like some form of slavery, they use you but think that money excuses the appalling treatment, they won’t change, you know it is damaging you and only you can end it.

What is the job? Sounds dodgy as fuck. I hope you’re paying those taxes correctly.

Op, did I understand correctly and you are a live-in nanny abroad for a wealthy family?

if so I understand now your predicament and why you can’t go to another slightly less paying job but not minimum wage.

what sort of job or career would you be interested in? In your shoes, with the significant savings you have, I would be taking a couple of years off and get a qualification that will open doors, rather than going back to minimum wage.

have you through about any courses or training you might want?

Just to add you say you like to share your good fortune with friends by picking up the tab etc. Good fortune is a lottery win. Your salary is being paid for at a high price to you. Stop being over generous and save as much as you can.

Is consultancy an option OP? I was in the same boat and quit to do consultancy, now I get paid by the hour I’m actually paid much better!

Hi OP, I have only skim read this thread so apologies if I haven't taken in all the details.

There is obviously a lot of emotional stuff for you to unpick, but I would separate that out and try to make a practical plan. The brilliant thing about making good money so young is that it will be worth more in the long term if you use it wisely - which it sounds like you have already. You own a property outright and are (reasonably) sensibly invested in another, plus you have saved a good lump sum of cash.

There are tonnes of jobs out there that pay well without abusing you in the way yours does - even ones that pay just as much (or more). Obviously no one can advise on your actual path without knowing what you do, but you need to let go of the fear that only this one place would pay you so well. And, even if you couldn't find something at the same pay level, there are many, many increments between that and minimum wage - even more so back to where you were as a teen.

You are right to put your health first - take a week of, brush up your CV and get it out there. You can definitely do better than this and will be a virtuous cycle on top of what you have already built in terms of financial security, even if you take a pay cut. Good luck xx

Still waiting to know what the 5 languages are; my sons friend is amazing being trilingual, solely due to circumstances ( parents from different countries and then growing up in an English speaking country).
As I said it stood out from your OP that you were not a native English soeaker, though you speak it a lot better than many. Why won't you answer what your other languages are. We've got the language you were brought up in ( 1) and then English (2). What are the other 3? I'm being nosy but if I was you I would move to Brussels or NY. You will be snapped up in a second in either place. If you actually are fluent in 5 languages, It's very uncommon.

Yabu to think a lower paying job automatically means proportionally less stress.
Can't you find a new job to go to then leave.

My languages are:

Spanish, English, French, Italian and German (though German is the one I have mastered the least).

Don’t want to specify which is my native language and which is the language of the place I live in because that would be massively outing but pretty much I grew up with one language (my family is monolingual) and I have learned the rest by living in countries where those languages were spoken.

As for moving to NYC or Brussels well it’s not so simple. Moving to the US for work purposes is extremely complicated you need very specific visas with proper sponsors and usually that requires proof of a specific degree etc… not saying it’s impossible just that it’s not so easy as “wanting to move to NYC”. NYC is also incredibly expensive, it’s eye watering actually and workers rights are very poor in the US. I have never lived in NYC (though I love going) but I have lived in the US (similar city to NYC) for several years, and it’s tough.

The US culture is extremely grinding and there you are definitely a paycheck away from losing everything, between rents that are sky-high, most professions being at will profession (so you can be fired at any moment for any reason), health insurance costing you an arm and leg, no real system that gives back to you, guns and their issues + just the general violence that is culturally accepted and is part of daily life.

Living in the US is not for the faint-hearted and I was there for 3 years and honestly after a while it got too much for me. I started missing feeling SAFE. I got overwhelmed from turning on the news and there being shootings or road rages resulting in death (including in the death of children) and those were the local news not even the national news. Like I have said I am part of various minority group and Trump is currently in power, I have already lived in the US under Trump and the increased racism was out of this world. I am not ruling out ever moving back to the US but I wouldn’t do it under Trump & the current under current happening over there right now.
Plus I would need to find a sponsor etc… which is no easy feat with no degree nor experience.

Brussels I have lived in for a bit through another position in my industry, I loved the city but haven’t looked at other opportunities outside of my field there as it’s only now I am being severely burned out by my field so will look into it a bit more and see what I find that might suit me.

But the point for me really is that I would ideally like to be able to be home and enjoy my home and my people. I barely see them and barely ever sleep in my own bed. Moving abroad again would defeat the point because I have already been living abroad and moving from countries to countries for work the whole of my 20’s and moving abroad in a different field would likely require me to house myself (pay a local rent) which then defeats the purpose of not having a mortgage on my own home, so I would have more expenses and yet likely would see my own place people even less?

I think if I am ever going to be working for a company abroad it will need to be either remote so I can be home or not full-time so I am not forced to move permanently to that new country.

Keen to hear ideas of remote work that might fit my profile as I know the local job market where I live is tough and extremely seasonal.

@monkeysox I don’t think that at all.

I would even say that the hardest and most grueling jobs are low-paying ones unfortunately.

What I meant is minimum wage job are the most accessible jobs as in not easy but in accessible to someone like me with no degree nor experience outside her field. I cannot quit tomorrow and walk into a tech job or finance role. That’s not realistic but I can probably find a job as a cashier or at the counter of a tech repair shop.

That’s what I meant.

I am very aware minimum wage jobs are equally stressful, if not more, one of the only “plus side” (if there is one) is that because minimum wage jobs/entry level jobs are available in almost every field, it’s a good way to experience different area of work without the stress that if you quit you won’t be able to find equal pay or better. Which is a bit what I am looking for right now, experimenting with different fields figuring out where I “belong” and going from there.

And I am trying to be realistic that even if I speak several languages etc… I will likely have to start at the very bottom. That doesn’t stress me out (not because the jobs won’t be stressful) but because like I have said, I have started at the very bottom of my industry, earning below minimum wage for most of my 20’s so I am not worried about starting low and know I have the motivation required to progress in any field I might happen to enjoy working in. It’s about finding that field I suppose.

The obvious thing to me now is to get a degree and maybe postgrad in an area you’d interested in working in.

You are being unnecessary mean to OP. Her English is excellent. It’s perfectly sufficient for a high paying leadership role in tech/finance (although other skills and experience are needed- but that’s not the point). OP is clearly not wanting to be a professor in English at Oxbridge.

Does the city your home is in have tourists visiting? Could you get work as a personal guide? Though if your current field is as a private nanny or personal assistant this might be not enough of a change,

OP is American , that's obvious,

2 languages as a miminum (that's standard in the non - English speaking countries as a first language world.) English speakers as a first language are most likely to never learn another language except for a specific reason. Bilingual is not unusual ( thinking of people marying outside their country, or needing it for work etc.)
Triingual is amazing but unusual, as you need IME parents who speak different languages as well as the language of the country you are being raised in,

OK what I think you are confusing is languages that are acknowledged in a country and people that can speak 5 languages. @Ubertomusic
They are not the same thing, One means the language is recognised as a dialect ( lots of countries might have 5 of these) . That does not mean that everybody in that country speaks 5 languages

OP can obviously speak 2 as English is not her first so add the first language and that makes two. I have honestly never met a person who can speak 5 languages.
Still waiting for the OP to say what they are. My money is on one plus bad English and the OP gave me Russian vibes. Serious apologies if you do speak 5 languages fluently ( as well as you do English, as I picked you immediately as a non-native speaker) but fairly fluent.
I'm weird though I can tell what state you grew up in from one or 2 sentences ( Aus not US). I'll be watching the telly and say " damn, another Queenslander" watching a quiz show .
Interested to know your 5 languages OP. 5?? Are you including Latin?