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Original poster

Gender and pronouns

1000 replies

Wyki · 10/04/2025 18:55

Before I start, the daily mail and other papers can all fuck off

I’m prepared to be flamed for this as I’ve been here long enough to know how it all works but….

aibu to tell my son he can’t have his partner over any more

It’s a new relationship. My son is 21 and the new partner is 18

He barely works and is consequently on a low salary however he does help me with childcare (that I pay a minimal amount for)

the new partner is a very petite pink haired “girl” that does ballet and dance but uses the pronoun he/him

my 11 year old daughter is finding it confusing and asked if her brother is gay. I replied with “no because the partner is very feminine and is a girl despite the pronouns” (I couldn’t care less if he was gay, sexuality isn’t important)

So am I being unreasonable in saying the partner doesn’t come over as it’s just too weird and I don’t want that example being set for my daughter

OP posts:
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14
Candlekiax · 10/04/2025 18:57

Absolutely Nbu, don't allow that nonsense around your child

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 10/04/2025 19:00

Telling the papers to fuck off will do precisely nothing at all.

You can have your own rules in your own house, but it will impact your relationship with your son, and probably your childcare at some point.

PinkPonyClubber · 10/04/2025 19:00

My friend had an issue with her DDs BF, he was quite aggressive about being called they/them. (It was part of a whole list of issues).
My friend told her DD - I pay the mortgage and this is my house, no one gets to police my language in my house.
She dumped him anyway.

Devilsmommy · 10/04/2025 19:00

Yeah I wouldn't be having that crap either

Brahumbug · 10/04/2025 19:03

Your house, your rules.

BreadInCaptivity · 10/04/2025 19:06

Ah the joy of performative pronouns….

I wouldn’t say she can’t visit but I would make clear that yours is a household rooted in biological reality and linguistic accuracy.

If that means she feels it’s not a “safe space” for her then they might want to meet elsewhere.

KrisAkabusi · 10/04/2025 19:09

Yes. If you want to estrange yourself from your son, absolutely do that.

ConnieSlow · 10/04/2025 19:49

Don’t tolerate this nonsense. And an 18yo is still a child not a partner so they or whatever they are, needs to take their nonsense elsewhere. Your son can follow too, it’s your house and you have a young child.

TidyDancer · 10/04/2025 19:59

BreadInCaptivity · 10/04/2025 19:06

Ah the joy of performative pronouns….

I wouldn’t say she can’t visit but I would make clear that yours is a household rooted in biological reality and linguistic accuracy.

If that means she feels it’s not a “safe space” for her then they might want to meet elsewhere.

This is the way to do it.

I have no time for all the gender crap but don’t ban her, just make it clear if she enters your house you will not be indulging the silliness.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2025 20:02

I hope you haven’t used incorrect pronouns for her, it’s really cringe and your daughter needs to know she can trust you to say what you see and that she can too.

I wouldn’t ban her but I wouldn’t pander to made up nonsense and if DS and his GF don’t like it they can meet elsewhere.

BelfastBard · 10/04/2025 20:10

You’re not being unreasonable. Protecting your DD from ridiculous ideas that she has to ignore the evidence of all her senses and pretend someone is something they are plainly not just seems like like good parenting.
I also echo pp, no one gets to police the language you use in your own home. It’s not Tumblr.

BlueMum16 · 10/04/2025 20:20

I'm going against the rest, I wouldn't ban the partner.

Your DD will be exposed to all of this at high school and home should be a safe space to ask questions and know her parents accept their DC whoever they are and whoever they 'love'.

I would have a conversation with DS though to make him aware of your DD questions so him and the partner are not shocked and treat her kindly if she asks questions of them.

Jelliots · 10/04/2025 20:21

Not unreasonable at all. I’ve got no time for that attention seeking nonsense. Tell HER she can go and “pronoun” somewhere else

SquashedMallow · 10/04/2025 20:28

Eurgh. What a circus 🙄.

I'd just ignore it all. Don't feed the drama. Just roll your eyes and state that you won't change factual language being used by your own self in your own home for a girl that acknowledges she's a girl but wants to go by 'him'.

Attention seeking fuck wittery at it's finest. About time we stood up to this utter crap.

cariadlet · 10/04/2025 20:31

BreadInCaptivity · 10/04/2025 19:06

Ah the joy of performative pronouns….

I wouldn’t say she can’t visit but I would make clear that yours is a household rooted in biological reality and linguistic accuracy.

If that means she feels it’s not a “safe space” for her then they might want to meet elsewhere.

👆This

If your dd asks again, I'd repeat that your ds isn't gay because he has a girlfriend but would add that the girlfriend is female rather than describing her as feminine (and using that as part of the explanation for her being a girl).

Female = sex, biology, reality
Feminine = gendered social stereotypes.

The girlfriend could wear DMs, a donkey jacket and shave her head but she would still be female.

BunfightBetty · 10/04/2025 20:32

I wouldn’t let an 18 year old or anybody else control my speech in my own home.

I wouldn’t ban her, but wound explain gently to DS that you’re not prepared to set a bad example to your DD, so won’t be using he/him pronouns for a biological female.

Maitri108 · 10/04/2025 20:46

Unless his girlfriend was rude or disrespectful, I wouldn't ban her from the house. I would call her what she wants to be called if my son cared for her.

I would explain to my daughter that there's a fashion for changing pronouns and not to take any notice.

notwavingbutsinking · 10/04/2025 21:00

I am firmly GC/a biological realist but personally I don't think this is the best approach.

Firstly, this young woman is not a woman because she is feminine and petite. She's a woman because she is biologically female. Saying that feminine = woman is actually reinforcing the whole gender nonsense.

Secondly, there shouldn't really be any need to use pronouns. Simply refer to her by her name when talking to her and about her.

Explain to your younger child that this young woman is indeed female, but likes to pretend that she is male. You don't agree with this and it is in fact impossible to change sex. But right now this young woman believes something else, is young and inexperienced, and probably struggling with something else in her life.

I would however firmly draw the line at forcing your younger child to use incorrect pronouns and would come down like a ton of bricks if either of them demand it of her.

BlondiePortz · 10/04/2025 22:04

Brahumbug · 10/04/2025 19:03

Your house, your rules.

So a parent can do anything thing they want and child have to put up with it 'my house my rules' sounds healthy not!

I think all this gender stuff is bollocks but I love my child more than banning somone who is not doing seriously bad/illegal

What is more important op your child or 'I need to be right' and how do you want them to feel about you as they grow

Coffeeforayear · 10/04/2025 22:10

Aah these things are a nightmare 😫. Does the he/him girl have a typically male name?

I know a few girls who go by 'they' but still have kept their very typically female names.

JLou08 · 10/04/2025 22:14

Is it really worth risking being estranged from your son over? Sounds like you don't care for him much if it is. I don't buy that an 11 yo is confused about it, you're just looking for a way to justify it.

Jelliots · 10/04/2025 22:24

JLou08 · 10/04/2025 22:14

Is it really worth risking being estranged from your son over? Sounds like you don't care for him much if it is. I don't buy that an 11 yo is confused about it, you're just looking for a way to justify it.

I disagree with this completely. Why feed the bullshit? This person is female. Why the hell would you calm her a he? And why should OP expose her daughter to this attention seeking crap?

id be telling the daughter that her brothers girlfriend is female. No ifs, no buts. It’s a girl. An attention seeking girl.

Vannymcvan · 10/04/2025 22:29

Firstly, mumsnet seems to be a very anti trans place so I'm not surprised at the comments. Secondly, he can refer to himself however he wants. Unclear why this would be confusing for your daughter. Perhaps this could be a chance to discuss different attitudes towards gender identity?

Original poster
Wyki · 11/04/2025 02:08

Vannymcvan · 10/04/2025 22:29

Firstly, mumsnet seems to be a very anti trans place so I'm not surprised at the comments. Secondly, he can refer to himself however he wants. Unclear why this would be confusing for your daughter. Perhaps this could be a chance to discuss different attitudes towards gender identity?

So it would be fine for me to tell my children that I’m now a he/him and want be called daddy?

OP posts:
Kimmeridge · 11/04/2025 02:11

Before I start, the daily mail and other papers can all fuck off

Yeah that'll work 🙄

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