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Original poster

Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

381 replies

AndreaGreen · 10/04/2025 16:30

I had a video call with two colleagues earlier, from a different area of the business and who I hadn’t met before. They were from the same team so knew each other, and our call was to discuss a project coming up involving the department I’m in.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually. As I got up my DH (on his lunch break) shouted up that he’d answer it.

I went to sit back down and obviously the two colleagues were still on the screen. I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quiet clearly waiting for me to return.

I felt upset at this point so gave it a minute and typed in the chat that something had come up and I couldn’t rejoin, and that any other questions they could put in the chat to me.

I cried my eyes out afterwards, I feel stressed enough as it is and this has really hit my confidence. DH thinks I should report them but the call wasn’t recorded and it would be my word against theirs.

Do you think I’m overreacting or would you look to report this?

OP posts:
Tangerinenets · 10/04/2025 16:31

100% report it. What a pair of arse holes 😡

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 10/04/2025 16:33

I'd report it.
Was the call being recorded?
If so get a copy and include it with your complaint to HR.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 10/04/2025 16:35

Definitely complain.

Pandimoanymum · 10/04/2025 16:37

Report it. Their behaviour was not professional at all and that comment was inappropriate and sexist.

TheArcher · 10/04/2025 16:38

I don’t know if I would report it, but I would definitely let them both know that I heard exactly what they said. How nasty.

ViaRia01 · 10/04/2025 16:39

It’s all well and good to say report it but…. I would be concerned that it would be your word against theirs. However if I remember correctly you can obtain a transcript of the meeting within MS teams. Maybe someone else can confirm/ give the steps.

StartAnew · 10/04/2025 16:41

Report it . They may think you are slow on the update but they were unprofessional and sexist and also stupid. There was every reason to think you might be at your desk for an extra moment.

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/04/2025 16:41

Who would you report it to and what would you want to come of it? I’d speak to them both directly and tell them I had heard them - let them squirm and apologise.

NeuroSpicyCat · 10/04/2025 16:43

Definitely let them know you overheard and see how they reply. Then if they apologise screenshot the reply and report.

StartAnew · 10/04/2025 16:43

ViaRia01 · 10/04/2025 16:39

It’s all well and good to say report it but…. I would be concerned that it would be your word against theirs. However if I remember correctly you can obtain a transcript of the meeting within MS teams. Maybe someone else can confirm/ give the steps.

Her word against theres but who on earth would make this up? Their comments were humiliating.

Longhotsummers · 10/04/2025 16:44

Email them letting them know that you heard their very personal comments about you and ask them why they felt that was acceptable, given you were all in a profession setting. They can’t be allowed to think this is normal behaviour or acceptable.

wowwhataday · 10/04/2025 16:45

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 10/04/2025 16:33

I'd report it.
Was the call being recorded?
If so get a copy and include it with your complaint to HR.

It says in the text it wasn’t being recorded!

Twinkletoes10 · 10/04/2025 16:45

Omg I'm so sorry, that is horrible. What chauvinist pigs they are.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 10/04/2025 16:46

They were unprofessional, but everyone talks about each other behind their backs, sometimes it won't be nice. Hand on heart, have you ever made a negative remark about a colleague to another colleague?

You know yourself you were having a bad day and not coming across well. It is what it is. They will have had bad days themselves, no doubt.

I'd send them a short, factual email quoting their exact words and asking for an apology. That transfers all power in the situation back to you. Going forward I imagine you'll find them a lot more easy to deal with.

Gwenhwyfar · 10/04/2025 16:48

ViaRia01 · 10/04/2025 16:39

It’s all well and good to say report it but…. I would be concerned that it would be your word against theirs. However if I remember correctly you can obtain a transcript of the meeting within MS teams. Maybe someone else can confirm/ give the steps.

Those transcripts are done with AI. They're not accurate and should be used as a guide rather than a proper record of what was said.

Dodeedoo · 10/04/2025 16:52

This type of backstabbing and downright toxic shit is rife in my work. Pull them both up on it. Hope you are ok x

jellyfishperiwinkle · 10/04/2025 16:52

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 10/04/2025 16:46

They were unprofessional, but everyone talks about each other behind their backs, sometimes it won't be nice. Hand on heart, have you ever made a negative remark about a colleague to another colleague?

You know yourself you were having a bad day and not coming across well. It is what it is. They will have had bad days themselves, no doubt.

I'd send them a short, factual email quoting their exact words and asking for an apology. That transfers all power in the situation back to you. Going forward I imagine you'll find them a lot more easy to deal with.

Hand on heart, no I haven't and certainly not in those circumstances.

I'd be much more likely to express concern that they seemed bit tired and certainly wouldn't go off a first impression on a Teams call. And I have never made a sexist and unprofessional remark about a colleague.

Shirkingly · 10/04/2025 16:52

I don’t think I’d give it another thought. You say yourself you were exhausted and not at your best, and that you were slow to respond and muddled through one response in particular. You probably came across as dim. Not your fault, obviously, but they’re not to know that you’re not usually like that, and to be dreading dealing with you on this project. I’d take the compliment to your looks, dismiss the slight bitchiness, and be on your game next time you meet. I would probably start by saying ‘Apologies for being not at my best on our last meeting. I’d had no sleep. Let me address x again as a quick recap before we move on.’

Dodeedoo · 10/04/2025 16:53

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 10/04/2025 16:46

They were unprofessional, but everyone talks about each other behind their backs, sometimes it won't be nice. Hand on heart, have you ever made a negative remark about a colleague to another colleague?

You know yourself you were having a bad day and not coming across well. It is what it is. They will have had bad days themselves, no doubt.

I'd send them a short, factual email quoting their exact words and asking for an apology. That transfers all power in the situation back to you. Going forward I imagine you'll find them a lot more easy to deal with.

I really love this response. Your attitude is an art that I am trying to master x

AquaPeer · 10/04/2025 16:57

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/04/2025 16:41

Who would you report it to and what would you want to come of it? I’d speak to them both directly and tell them I had heard them - let them squirm and apologise.

This. It was unkind and hurtful but nothing “serious” will happen by reporting it. They’ll be asked to apologise (and honestly, I think this will come freely as they’re likely mortified)

but it will cause you stress and worry and you’re obviously having a tough time at the moment so seriously consider whether it’s worth further stress and energy, just to get a formal apology for a silly and unkind comment

for that reason I would tell them both you overheard and are very upset. Maybe email.

TuckedUpInBedWithAPackOfCremeEggs · 10/04/2025 16:57

Very unprofessional indeed, you’d be well within your rights to report it.

However, separately and unrelated to what they said…it doesn’t sound like you’re performing well at the moment. Perhaps if you’re involved in the project they’re frustrated - if I had a call with a colleague about something important and they weren’t really with it and then disappeared to answer the door, I’d be a bit pissed off.

WayneEyre · 10/04/2025 17:01

Of course my inclination is to say 'to HR, don't spare the horses!' or even 'pull them up directy'. However, they were sexist and unprofessional. But if there was no record and you yourself admit you were not performing your best, I worry they may close ranks, fudge what was said and you may end up in a more difficult position.

I don't mean suck it up or try to face them yourself directly. What's your manager like? Could you talk it through and see what they recommend? Maybe an open conversation where they feed back any actions for you that they feel you may have missed on the day, and agree a more respectful footing going forward. Or maybe a wider reminder across the office about civility and unconscious bias.

I would provide quick writeup of the meeting now anyway so they can't say anything was left unclear.

RickiRaccoon · 10/04/2025 17:08

It does sound like you didn't make the best impression. I was surprised you ran off to get the door during a small 3-person work call with people you didn't know. I actually wouldn't worry about it enough to report it but you could mention what you overheard to them.

I know there's someone at our work who is lovely but an absolute mess to deal with and we do gently laugh about what she comes back with sometimes (obviously not with inappropriate comments about looks/brains).

IdaGlossop · 10/04/2025 17:09

Very bad behaviour. No wonder you are upset. I'd go down the direct route too, and send them both a voice note. 'It's a shame you both made unpleasant, misogynistic comments about me when you thought I was out of earshot. Just as well I'm not a client. What you don't know is that I was not firing on all four cylinders in our meeting after a bad night's sleep. Please be more careful, both of you, from now on.' I wouldn't report it - no evidence and though offensive, in my view, it makes too much of it.

ThatNimblePeer · 10/04/2025 17:09

My main thought on this is that it’s hilarious they would feel entitled to criticise anyone else’s perceived lack of intelligence. How dumb do you have to be to talk smack about a colleague on an actual live work call? As we all know, muting and camera off does not automatically imply that someone is not at their desk.

In terms of your feelings, I’d take the compliment on your looks to heart and dismiss the rest. But if you want an apology I certainly think you’d be entitled to ask for one.