Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

[AndreaGreen]

I had a video call with two colleagues earlier, from a different area of the business and who I hadn’t met before. They were from the same team so knew each other, and our call was to discuss a project coming up involving the department I’m in.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually. As I got up my DH (on his lunch break) shouted up that he’d answer it.

I went to sit back down and obviously the two colleagues were still on the screen. I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quiet clearly waiting for me to return.

I felt upset at this point so gave it a minute and typed in the chat that something had come up and I couldn’t rejoin, and that any other questions they could put in the chat to me.

I cried my eyes out afterwards, I feel stressed enough as it is and this has really hit my confidence. DH thinks I should report them but the call wasn’t recorded and it would be my word against theirs.

Do you think I’m overreacting or would you look to report this?

It was shitty behaviour but if you were exhausted and not at your best I’d be wary of reporting them as they could then turn it around on you and say you aren’t performing well.

I’d be tempted to shame them through kindness by cheerfully saying to them sorry about the other day, I was exhausted because of my child being ill. I expect it was hard work and I seemed a bit slow so thanks for being patient and understanding.

Terrible behaviour and quite stupid on their part, you had turned off the camera and muted yourself so of course there was a chance you could be listening……and they called you stupid!

However I would not pull them up on it unless you have an actual recording as it will be your word against theirs and they would probably deny / stand up for each other

You could report it to HR so there is a record of it though and if they do something similar again you can build on that complaint

Make sure you are fully on top of things at the next meeting and don’t be afraid to correct them and highlight their inaccuracies in meetings as I said in the above their behaviour has illustrated that they are not that bright or professional

I wouldn’t report personally but I might tell them I heard. I mean they’re saying you don’t have brains but they were stupid enough to talk about you when you/others in the house could very easily have still heard them (and you did). Now who’s stupid? I’d tell them that as well.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it

If you report them then expect yourself to be hauled over the coals for your own lack of professionalism. You really want to open that can of worms?

Can you get a transcript of the call from Teams? If yes I’d defo report this.

Oh god how horrible, I'd have to say something

It was unprofessional of you to step away from the call for a delivery, plus you say you didn't come across as competent during it.

I'm not sure it's the right time to take issue with them saying you were bad at your job.

The OP doesn’t actually mention if the colleagues were men or women.

Yes this is a good plan.

I like the way this mirrors their words but not directly quoting - they will be shitting themselves that you might have heard but won't be able to say anything! At the same time, it sets a positive tone for the rest of the project.

This

I wouldn't be reporting this and drawing attention to the fact you were putting in a sub-standard performance at work, no.

It was mean, but it also wasn't meant for your ears. Just let it go.

You admittedly weren’t on the ball and then left to take in a parcel, which is really bad form when you are meant to be working. What they said was unkind and unprofessional, but as you were also unprofessional I would just drop it if I were you.

This.

While you would be within your rights to complain, sleep on it and don't do anything while upset.

You need to consider the bigger picture. Is this a project you want/need to work on? Ultimately there's two of them and one of you, there are things they could point to about your performance and just back from maternity leave is a vulnerable position (shouldn't be but we all know it is).

If you tell them you know, it will be hard to work with them again. You may not want to in which case you tell your manager. But if not doing the project will be detrimental to your career, try and move on.

On the plus side, even with a lack of sleep and a new baby, you look great.

As for stepping away to take a delivery, everyone does this at my work if it's an internal call and we happen to be working at home. We all work hard in general but there's no point missing a delivery for the sake of 30 seconds.

I don’t think it’s you lacking brains in this situation.. the chances you would be able to hear weren’t that small!!

I wouldn’t report it, because in my experience HR poison everything they touch, but I’d definitely keep a mental note of it, write the experience down and email it to myself (in case you ever need to refer to it in the future), and be really wary of any future interactions with them. Those are horribly nasty things to say about you, and suggest your workplace might be pretty toxic.

I'd absolutely bloody say something the miserable gits

It must have been hard to hear these things amd I do sympathise. I do think it would be better for you - both professionally and for your own self esteem - to either address it quickly and directly with those involved but in a way that draws a line under it so you can all move on without it being an issue, or to accept in your own head that they were dicks and show everyone next time by being on the ball.
You said yourself you weren’t performing well and also going to answer the door wasn’t the most professional move.
You definitely would have a case with formally complaining to HR, but would that help you at work, being dragged into an investigation with two people who will most probably have each others backs?
There is definitely a place for HR getting involved with this kind of stuff, I’m just not sure this situation is above the bar when it should be triggered. Too late now, but imo its better to call people out at the time (maybe with a withering comment if you can do it in a professional sounding way) - resilience and being able to gain respect from difficult people are skills that truly successful people need. They are very hard to learn though.
I’m still learning how to do this by the way - you need a thick skin and supreme confidence in your own abilities, and I’m not there yet but I strive to be. But if you can learn to hold your head up high it’s much better for your own self esteem.
Im not trying to diminish how upsetting it was for you, I do think though that you gave a bit of power to them by letting it get to you (not your fault), and handing it over to HR or a manager without seeing how the next meeting goes is handing over even more.
I try to imagine being a bad ass character in a 90s film in these situations- you’ll show them more by being super professional and much better than them at this project.
Im aware this might not be a very popular view but it’s how I feel after years of low self esteem and letting the real or imagined opinions of others affect me. I’m trying to give far less fucks now as this approach has only held me back in the past.
A pp’s idea of sending a short, to the point email warning them to be careful what they say on teams as next time it could be a client - intimating that you find it v unprofessional rather than being upset by it - would give you a paper trail for evidence in case it does escalate into something more with these individuals. And keep an eye on them, they’re colleagues not friends.
I wouldn’t make any decisions until youve had a good rest and are thinking clearly though. Maybe write down everything today and look at it in a day or two with a fresher head.

Report it.

of a man had made the same comments you’d be reporting for mysoginy. It’s no different.

sorry you had to hear that. That’s so unprofessional.

could you do a pre emptive email confirming what was discussed and agreed and ask if they have any adds first? That way they can’t come back with saying you weren’t paying attention etc and trying to justify it - not that there’s any justification for their behaviour.

What you should have done was ask them if they had any other comments to make about my appearance and raise it with HR . There is no way I would let that go , you should have nipped it in the bud !

They were incredibly unprofessional

but

why were you answering the door during a meeting?

Can't even put in to words just how spot on this post is.

Lmao reading through some of the other absolutely unhinged replies on here — people love to be nasty on this forum just for the sake of it.

For the record, I don’t know of any company where people regularly work from home that views answering the door as unprofessional. Happened all the time in my previous job. Secondly, being tired and giving a muddled answer to a question is NOT “unprofessional.” It’s called being human. What IS unprofessional is saying a female colleague is hot but stupid. Get a grip, you absolute jobsworths.

I mean I agree. We all have off days but if on top of that you bugger off to answer the door in a meeting, what kind of impression are giving?

They were unprofessional, you were unprofessional - I would make a mental note to be more prepared and articulate in further dealings with them to override their original impression.

If they continue to be arsey report them.

This.

Yes they were unprofessional and bitchy, but nothing good would come of it if you were to report it.

You need to grow a thicker skin and ensure that you prepare for such meetings - including written pointers and ideas - well ahead of time, so that a bad night, a cold or other unforeseeable occurrence doesn't throw you.