Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

[AndreaGreen]

I had a video call with two colleagues earlier, from a different area of the business and who I hadn’t met before. They were from the same team so knew each other, and our call was to discuss a project coming up involving the department I’m in.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually. As I got up my DH (on his lunch break) shouted up that he’d answer it.

I went to sit back down and obviously the two colleagues were still on the screen. I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quiet clearly waiting for me to return.

I felt upset at this point so gave it a minute and typed in the chat that something had come up and I couldn’t rejoin, and that any other questions they could put in the chat to me.

I cried my eyes out afterwards, I feel stressed enough as it is and this has really hit my confidence. DH thinks I should report them but the call wasn’t recorded and it would be my word against theirs.

Do you think I’m overreacting or would you look to report this?

They'd have had no idea whether she could hear or not. She said she had to go answer the door and muted herself/turned the video off. But they couldn't know where her door was, or whether she could still hear the call from her door. So whilst they may not have intended her to hear it, it was incredibly foolish to assume camera off means she can't hear what they're saying.

I think that sounds like a good plan. I’d ask your manager for advice though, and not name the colleagues - more a ‘what would you do’ and ask that your manager doesn’t contact them on your behalf. I’d prefer to approach it myself, if they think you ‘told’ on them to your boss it’s more likely to get their backs up and I think I’d want to keep my powder dry for sending it up the chain of command at this point.

I agree with this but I would name them.

I’d just be concerned in that scenario that my manager would feel compelled to step in (even just to cover their own arse in case it came to light later that they hadn’t taken any action).

Why didn't you let them know you heard? You could have just said "excuse me?" or similar. It was a bit weak of you to just run off and cry.

The thing is, even if she hadn't had a sleepless night, lots of people process verbal information more slowly. I'm one of them, although I've become pretty up front about explaining this to people (I.e. "I'm not stupid, I just take a bit longer to process some information and like to reflect more before replying to make sure I've understood all the information correctly"). They were arseholes, who may just as easily have been criticising someone with a disability, such was their thoughtlessness.

I'd definitely be telling them what I'd heard because they need to know it's not OK. But yes, I'd be coming from a position of "I wasn't on top form, which probably showed in my responses, but what you said about me was hurtful, thoughtless and misogynistic".

They were rude, unprofessional and sexist and you still think the op should apologise?

Wow.

"Weak"? Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method for a reason.

Some very odd responses on here from people I would assume don’t actually work in workplaces but of course it is aibu. This absolutely is potentially a disciplinary matter. They would probably just deny it and without further evidence that would be that. But I would be speaking to my own line manager about it in the first instance. I’d want to at least send a shot across the bow that this isn’t acceptable or professional behaviour.

That would be apologising to two snarky bees wouldn't it? I don't disagree with contacting them again with some sort of explanation or comment but no apologies, these two don't deserve it

same.
Also, OP, kindly - you have to be on top of your game, bad night or not. All women are judged on how women perform in the workplace. It is shit, but that is how it is. So please try to be on top of your game all the time.

Also: pretty unprofessional, DH there or not, to end a work call early to take a delivery.

So. You may want to tell them you heard them - only you know if it will affect your working relationship with these men. IMO you just need to get on with your job, at 100% and let it go.

I’d send a message to the pair.

Hi Knobheads

Hope you understood the points I made throughout the call. Sorry I wasn’t feeling my best today and had to end the call early.

Good job I’m a looker hey or who knows where I’d be.

Have a lovely Friday!!

Then I’d report them to HR

They were nasty and out of order.

Had they called you unprofessional, you couldn't have really argued, especially as you left a meeting to take in a parcel 🙄

But what they said was personal and nasty.

I would make it known you heard and watch them learn a hard lesson

people do this all the time

The thing about the call being hard work is hurtful, but I wouldn’t report that- particularly not if I could see that I wasn’t as “on it” as I should be, and then ducked out of a call to take in a parcel.

The rest is a different kettle of fish and I would 100% report that to HR - entirely unacceptable. But be aware you’ll need to give the context for why you stepped away from the call. Depending on the kind of business you work in, that could cause its own problems. It wouldn’t in mine, but we’re not super corporate.

And does that make it any less unprofessional?

So I translate this as "men are allowed to have off days, but women are not - therefore women must never, ever make a mistake at work because all women will be judged by it if they do". What a load of shit. Maybe let's turn that argument on its head and stop holding women to impossibly high standards just so they're not judged to be brainless bimbos by the people who actually need educating about how to behave in the workplace. Jesus wept. We're women, humans, not robots. Just like men in fact.

This is how to deal with it.
Anything more including reporting to HR just makes me so despairing.
Grow a backbone and also grow some honesty.
You came accross as slow and unsure. They made a comment referring to thus. You admit you were muddles, slow and unsure. They agreed!
Commenting on your looks is a shame but it was hardly x rated.
Everyone who would report probably reported folk walking on the beach in covid.

Gosh things have changed since I worked.Colleagues bitching about someone else. Not nice but move on.

@Biffbaff

Not everybody reacts in the same way, especially to something very unexpected and even more so when experiencing sleep deprivation.

You've never been caught off guard and been a bit too shocked to say something in the moment?

They're horrible and unprofessional. It also sounds like you were unprofessional.

I think there’s a difference here.

The first comment ‘god, this call is hard work’ I would be pissed off with/upset by but I get people say things sometimes. I’d probably let them know I’d heard and was annoyed.

The second comment is foul, misogynistic, and should not be happening in any place of work. I’m assuming these were two men OP? I would one hundred per cent take this further, what form that takes would depend on the set up at my work place and the relationship with my bosses. I’m gobsmacked by any poster who suggests ‘take the compliment to your looks’ - that is not what this is.

I’m sorry you had to hear this shite OP.

I'm so glad I've never worked with some of the moaning about OP taking in a parcel! Luckily my colleagues were human and understand these things happen.

Here's a video you could send them, OP, 'After your sexist comment about me not being employed for my brains, here's a video to help you understand what sexism feels like.'