Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

[AndreaGreen]

I had a video call with two colleagues earlier, from a different area of the business and who I hadn’t met before. They were from the same team so knew each other, and our call was to discuss a project coming up involving the department I’m in.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually. As I got up my DH (on his lunch break) shouted up that he’d answer it.

I went to sit back down and obviously the two colleagues were still on the screen. I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quiet clearly waiting for me to return.

I felt upset at this point so gave it a minute and typed in the chat that something had come up and I couldn’t rejoin, and that any other questions they could put in the chat to me.

I cried my eyes out afterwards, I feel stressed enough as it is and this has really hit my confidence. DH thinks I should report them but the call wasn’t recorded and it would be my word against theirs.

Do you think I’m overreacting or would you look to report this?

I'd let them know you know, but wouldn't necessarily take it further.

Thankfully times have indeed moved on and nobody has to suffer being bullied or bitched about as it's completely unprofessional. If they'd have done this in front of a client and lost business they'd be in serious trouble. I would email them and let them know this - there are some great posts at the start of the thread that can be used. I run a business and if anyone came to me saying they'd been treated like the OP (and in such a careless way - the men are clearly absolute idiots) then I'd be furious with them.

Personally I probably wouldn't take it further, just because there's no proof and unfortunately we've probably all had a moan about a colleague at some point. I like the idea of letting them know what you heard in private, as long as you think you can handle any fallout from it without becoming visibly emotional, which might make people like them value you even less.

For some reason I assumed they were female when I read the OP. I'm not saying all women are that bitchy, but it sounded like something a particularly bitchy woman might say. Now I know they are male, it's just possible you could get a complaint about sexism to stick, but I'd be wary of the lack of proof and also the fact that they will probably say you behaved unprofessionally during the call. I don't think you behaved very unprofessionally - we all make mistakes or have off days - but they will probably mention it if they're trying to cover their backs, which is why I think it would probably be better to let this one go.

if you’re not going to report id try to get hold of the transcript for your own records in case you ever need it . Its sexism

Why are you making this a man/ woman thing?
Totally unnecessary.

That's terrible and you should definitely report.

However, going off to take a delivery on a scheduled call isn't a good look an is hardly going to make a good impression. If your DH was there on his lunchbreak, why would you even consider getting up to answer the door to a delivery?

That doesn't negate the fact that their comments were chauvinistic.

Tears when you're short of sleep can't always be stopped. Far better to leave a note in the chat and go than cry on screen, surely.

This

i get you're tired, and feeling a bit off, but really.. you need to stand up for yourself here. That is the kind of behaviour that absolutely needs addressing there and then.

You ought to email them both directly, tell them you heard what they said and found it really inappropriate and unprofessional and you expect an apology or you'll escalate it to their managers.

Some of the responses on here are disgusting, the fact this kind of shit is considered 'normal' these days is awful.. i work in the voluntary sector and that kind of casual sexism really isn't acceptable, and certainly not on a professional platform in a business meeting.

I'd let it go. You were obviously not coming across well . Not nice to hear and I sympathise but if its a new project surely you need to appear professional and you obviously did not. Just wow them with your brains next call!

OP - even when not at your best, I suspect you might be more on top of your game than these two idiots will ever be. (Pandemic was five years ago, any competent person knows how to use Teams/Zoom without making a tit of themselves.) I suspect they might even feel threatened by you, hence their obnoxious comments.

I’d mention it to your manager. Don’t admit to any weakness (being tired etc…) Just keep the conversation firmly and solely on their behaviour.

Your company’s response to this will enable you to assess if you want to work with them over the long term.

Sorry this has happened to you.

Oh OP that’s so upsetting, sorry. Definitely report this. It’s terrible!

This.
They were rude, but you weren’t doing yourself any favours either, especially leaving the (already rather poor) call to answer the door.

I am depressed at the number of posters who advise the OP to 'just move on' - or worse, think she should 'kill them with kindness' (women should just BeKind after all). Nobody should feel they have to just put up with behaviour like this, which contributes to hostile and demeaning work environment where these kinds of attitudes to women are bandied around.

The OP could have a look at her employer's bullying & harassment policies. This could well be construed as sexual harassment as they have commented on the OP's appearance etc....the law on this has btw been tightened up recently and placed additional responsibility on employers to take reasonable steps to ensure a safe working environment. I can't advise the OP what to do, but if she chooses to report it I would be very surprised if the employer doesn't take it very seriously indeed.

This.

You were not on your best from and then left a meeting to answer the door...

Poor first impressions all round.

Definitely report it. Disgusting they are.

Zero tolerance works both ways.

Its unprofessional to not be prepared for a work meeting. It's also unprofessional to take a parcel delivery delivery said meeting, especially with people you have not met before.

What the company policy of leaving meetings to collect parcels?

Ooh, goody gumdrops, they complimented her appearance! Isn't she a lucky girlie. Never mind that they sat there and slagged off her perceived intelligence/ability to do the job. Who cares - they think she's pretty!

I'm sorry this happened to you, OP.

Best now to think about what you want to achieve with your response.

If it's an apology, and perhaps a bit of remorse/shame from them, then it might actually be more productive (for you) to tackle this directly, but more subtly, but with the support of your line manager. Tell your manager you'd like a face to face meeting with them to informally resolve the issue, but make it clear you expect an apology from them.

Of course, you could go down the HR route, and sometimes this is appropriate. But it comes at a cost for everyone, and the actual process will be taken out of your hands, and you will lose all control of what then happens. It might also not give you what you want - an honest apology - but instead a forced one, if one at all.

Yes, HR is sometimes required, but in my experience it's a lazy or unskilled manager who is immediately on the phone to HR. But if your manager has strength and integrity, HR is often not needed and things like this can be nipped in the bud. Bear in mind that stage 1 of most bullying/harassment policies are, or should be, informal resolution.

Sleep on it, think about what YOU want from this, not what the organisation/your manager/HR wants, and take things from there.

Well you weren’t coming across well and it is unprofessional
to be so tired that you were not on top of things. Also unprofessional to answer the door during a meeting. I would say nothing and endeavour to make a better impression next time,

Hi Op,

They are totally in the wrong. You have an open goal to take all the power in this so show them what you are made of, rather than reporting them you can send them a polite but clear email calling them out, e.g. below:

Hi X & X,

I just wanted to reach out to you following our call on X. I’m an advocate for an open and transparent workplace and in the context I thought I send over a bit of feedback.

As you may have spotted on the call I wasn’t at my sharpest, this was due to a bad night with my child so apologies if I wasn’t as on my game as I usually am! Please do let me know if there is anything you’d like me to clarify or if you have any further questions.

Towards the end of the call you may remember I dropped off for a minute. When putting my headset back on I was very disappointed to hear the remarks you were making to each other about my performance and my physical appearance. Remarks which I consider totally inappropriate in the workplace.

If you have feedback for me please do let me know what in particular this is as I’m all for open feedback that helps each of us progress in our careers. My feedback to you would be twofold: to assess someone’s abilities over more than one short call and to avoid ever making any remarks about someone’s appearance in the workplace.

Happy to discuss if helpful.

X

Are you are saying that misogyny is an acceptable response to under par performance?

Wont deny I might have a moan to my wife about someone if I have an annoying interaction at work but I’m not thick enough to say things to other professionals or on a teams call for that matter

I’d absolutely report it. Horribly unprofessional and outright unkind.

Please don't mention your child! It gives misogynists like these two an excuse to say women aren't up to it and would be better at home taking care of their children.