Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

[AndreaGreen]

I had a video call with two colleagues earlier, from a different area of the business and who I hadn’t met before. They were from the same team so knew each other, and our call was to discuss a project coming up involving the department I’m in.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually. As I got up my DH (on his lunch break) shouted up that he’d answer it.

I went to sit back down and obviously the two colleagues were still on the screen. I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quiet clearly waiting for me to return.

I felt upset at this point so gave it a minute and typed in the chat that something had come up and I couldn’t rejoin, and that any other questions they could put in the chat to me.

I cried my eyes out afterwards, I feel stressed enough as it is and this has really hit my confidence. DH thinks I should report them but the call wasn’t recorded and it would be my word against theirs.

Do you think I’m overreacting or would you look to report this?

Being tired is not an excuse for being inarticulate in a meeting. You have to bring it when required however tired. I’ve done meetings on no sleep at all so it’s not excuse.

‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’

To be honest this comment says a lot about them and their self worth being tied up with how men view them. Pretty pathetic.

I wouldn't think twice on it or care about the opinions of people like this.

I’m so glad I don’t work with you!

In all seriousness, I completely disagree. Answering a question poorly and calling your colleague fit but dim are NOT equivalent. You’ve lost the plot.

I work from home a lot and am very busy - if I have a meeting with people I’ve not met before about a work project I need every second of that time to get my head round it. Yes in a one to one or more informal meeting with colleagues I knew well I might excuse myself if the door rang, but not in this situation. Even though it’s technically an internal meeting it sounded like an important one if it’s about a new project with unknown people collaborating. Working from home is great cause you can get laundry done/answer the door etc but not if you’re in a meeting.
Im actually moving to an office based role on purpose due to this because I don’t think the blending/bleeding of work and home life is good for either our work life or our home life. For every time I’ve had to interrupt work stuff for home stuff, it’s worked the other way around too.

To be fair, it's perfectly human to have a moan about your colleagues from time to time, especially if they're acting unprofessionally.

Was going to say pretty much exactly this.

There are some very odd people out there and certainly makes me glad that my workplace understands that I'm human!

It is, but saying something that personal and below the belt on a video call is absolutely outrageous. When I saw the subject and started reading this thread, I was expecting “she’s annoying” or “I don’t like her” or whatever — but the actual comment is vile.

@AndreaGreen That's awful. 100% report it, even if you don't have proof. You may be able to get a transcript automatically from the chat -- if your horrible colleagues aren't in IT, you should be able to ask them if it was set up on that call. A lot of orgs have it as a default setting.

https://support.microsoft.com/en-us/office/view-live-transcription-in-microsoft-teams-meetings-dc1a8f23-2e20-4684-885e-2152e06a4a8b

Not sure how you can report that you were hard work because you weren't 100 per cent despite supposedly being at work.

It's not right that they commented on your appearance, but it was in comparison to how switched on you seemed. Again, not appropriate to call people thick, but a reasonable level of attention and articulacy can be expected.

If you muddled your explanations, popped off to answer the door and then disappeared because something 'came up', and if you have mentioned your dd and lack of sleep, they're probably right to think you need to step up.

What's less professional, being a bit tired or calling someone hot but stupid as soon as you think they're out of earshot?

There's human and then there's just unpleasant, unprofessional hideousness.

If you dont want to report them, do as others have said and be 100% on the ball next time, and work in some comment that mirrors enough of what they said for them to recognise it, without actively calling them out on it.

If you tell them directly and suggest you'll be reporting, you'll give them time to come up with a story and cover for themselves

Can't believe some of these replies. You absolutely should report this, OP. They were communicating in work time, on work equipment, for business purposes. Commenting on your looks/perceived lack of brains was sexist, unprofessional and bullying.

If you reread my posts I didn’t say anything about equivalence.

Mm, of course not. I think you made your terrible point perfectly clear, nonetheless!

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

This is not their issue this is yours, it’s not their fault your child didn’t sleep.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually

You're working for goodness sake, I’d be mighty pissed off if a colleague went to answer the door in a meeting. That's unprofessional and I’d say something about it.

I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quite clearly waiting for me to return.

You weren’t fully present during the call which you’ve admitted as your child was up during the night then went to answer the door while working, no wonder they said the call was hard work. If you were in the office I suspect you’d have been picked up on this. Their comments were inappropriate but they have every right to put in a complaint about you too. You’re kicking the arose out of working from home.

Edited to add no wonder so many employers are going back to expecting staff back into the office if this example is anything to go by.

The comment wasn't for OP's ears though. Ridiculously stupid of them to say it on a Teams call, but it was intended to be a private conversation between two people.

It's delusional to assume these kind of conversations aren't happening in workplaces up and down the country. I'm sure plenty of colleagues have had a bitch about me behind my back after I've fucked something up. The idea of going to HR to complain about it is laughable.

Good God, where do some of you people work? Genuinely alarming that so many of you think this is normal work chat and also understandable because OP was tired.

I worked in a toxic workplace for nearly a decade and people talked a lot of shit, but never that sexist and disgusting.

Well since one actually affects the job they're doing (or not doing in OPs case) and one doesn't, probably the OP's behaviour.

Absolutely!

😂😂😂 OK, you’re def just posting to get a rise out of people.

'Genuinely alarming' that a colleague might bitch about another colleague behind their back? Pull the other one.

As noted above — you’re clearly trying to bait. Pretty pathetic tbh. 👋

I would either

1. email both of them tell them you heard the conversation and it was unacceptable and you expect an apology
2. report to management

Sounds to me like everyone on that call was unprofessional in some way or another. The OP should have rescheduled the call if she was so ill-prepared and sleep-deprived - and should not have left to answer the door in any case; and the other colleague was out of order to comment on the OP's looks. The third colleague who made the 'hard work' comment was just a bit tactless, and the least guilty of the three.

Sorry, I’ve read back and didn’t state in my OP that the colleagues were male, which is why I think it touched a nerve so much.

I would be supportive if colleagues I was speaking to were a bit tired, everyone has been there, and it happens sometimes that it takes a couple of attempts to clarify something.

Answering the door takes literally 30 seconds and everyone does it in our company/is understanding - obviously if it was a difficult people related call/hearing it would be ignored.

Although the poll results are mainly YANBU the replies are more varied and have given me food for thought. I’m going to sleep on it, I might mention to my manager as I have my weekly catch up tomorrow morning.